Monday, March 09, 2009

What Sucks…The Watchman

Who Will Watch the Watchmen? More like, “Who will watch the Watchman’s Blue Junk?” If you saw this movie this weekend, unfortunately you know the answer was YOU. You will watch the Watchmen’s blue junk. That’s right, you will. Hope you enjoyed watching the Watchmen’s blue junk. Oh ah, sorry –SPOILER ALERT.

So, yeah you get to see a blue dick for a large portion for the movie, which unfortunately SPOILER ALERT is a long time seeing that this movie is like two hours and forty minutes but don’t worry, there are other things to distract you from the fact that you’re seeing a lot of blue flaccidness, like SPOILER ALERT rape scenes and scenes where SPOILER ALERT rape is “okay” because it gave a woman her daughter.

And SPOILER ALERT a scene where a super hero dude prematurely ejaculates.

Lookit, I know there are a lot of people who looked forward to this movie for a long time, and I also know that there are a lot of people who saw this movie and want to think it was the greatest thing ever made, to them I say, ah, sorry and you’re wrong. I know we’re deconstructing the super hero myth here, right? But can we leave it constructed enough to where I don’t have to see a dude climax after dry humping someone for 45 seconds?

Damn this movie blew. And 2:40 minutes? Couldn’t it have been cut down a little? Like say the numerous times where we see Dr. Manhattan’s “Long Island”? (NOTE: Long Island in that last sentence means “dick”.)

Yes the CGI stuff was cool, and also mercifully not on display when Dr. Manhattan grew to 7 stories tall, but still with CGI in full effect I could still tell that the Comedian was played by the dude who plays Denny on Grey’s Anatomy, so how good was it?

And why was everyone sweating Dr. Manhattan (SPOILER) getting detached from the human race? Good, LET him be detached, you want that guy walking around really into his girlfriend? He was doing us a favor- you want him aroused? It was dangerous enough seeing him in that SPOILER ALERT sex scene where he cloned himself 4 times- that’s 4 times the amount of erect blue privates!

Finally, if the main bad guy SPOILER ALERT is the smartest guy in the world, is destroying New York City and framing his buddy for it REALLY the best plan he could think of? He REALLY couldn’t come up with a plan to re-program all the launch sequences of the world’s nuclear weapons and keep the codes for himself? No?

All in all, I give this movie 12-15 flaccid blue penises. Oh wait (SPOILER ALERT) that's what the movie gave us.


Anonymous said...

Referenced your article in my post of my latest cartoon.

a.zeteki said...

God, you sound like all of the morons in the theater that snickered every time we got a glimpse of Dr. Manhattan's otherwise average blue wang.

But yeah, that movie did really suck.

dick riley said...

Man, this articles author is really really gay.

Like, crotchless leather pants gay.

wow. Id explain my position more, but it would just be retarded if you couldn't see what I mean.

deluca said...

thank you, dick riley.