Thursday, March 12, 2009

What Sucks Investigative Report: Bear Stearns Failure In Retrospect Not Surprising At All


Dateline Hoboken. After an exhaustive and extensive 15-minute investigation into the collapse of the venerable financial institution Bear Stearns, What-Sucks has concluded the firm’s collapse should have come as a surprise to no one and, furthermore, should have been “obvious” and “clearly only a matter of time” to even the most casual observer, after it was determined- by them (the blog)- that the company was run by former major league catcher John Stearns, and an actual bear.

The controversial report and which took 15 minutes to complete (chiefly because the crude photo-shopping of a picture of a bear and John Stearns posing in front of a “Bear Stearns” sign took longer than was originally thought) levies some heavy accusations at the corporation whose demise signaled the beginning of our current financial meltdown.

Among the many charges in the report is the particularly stinging allegation that the company’s board of directors exercised poor judgment in A) assigning Stearns, a former Met in the late 70’s and early 80’s, to a position of leadership in the firm when he had little or no experience in the financial sector and NO experience dealing with bears.

“Stearns could easily have been killed by the bear…” stated the report, which is not available for print, “…it is only by the grace of God and his ability to play dead for long periods of time, that he is alive today.”

The blog goes on to suggest, albeit with no proof, that the firm’s poor performance was due to Stearns’ time being entirely taken up by playing dead, thus making it impossible for him to make any executive decisions. They also claim that Stearns, who in 1978 led the Mets with 25 stolen bases- a rarity for a catcher- received little or no help from the bear, his “co-manager” and technically the CFO of the firm because he was “always looking for salmon, trying to find a cave or scratching his back against some tree".

Also lambasted in the report was the SEC, who was harshly criticized for their lack of oversight on the firm, who was able to keep Stearns and the bear’s hiring a secret from them and most stock holders.

In retrospect SEC officials say they should have become suspicious after the company asked the federal government for a bailout which included 42 billion dollars and “some berries”.

What Sucks Blog has been unavailable for comment due to the report they are currently working on, a stinging indictment of Merrill Lynch for hiring controversial director David Lynch and noted, deceased, baritone Robert Merrill as CEO’s.

2 comments:

Ben said...

You know, it's all well and good to joke about this, but a lot of people lost nearly all the pic-a-nic baskets in their 401Ks.

Renee said...

This is the kind of hard-hitting, investigative journalism that keeps me coming back.