Monday, February 23, 2009

What Sucks…The Oscars

I was going to Live-Blog it, but it’s hard to live blog something that doesn’t end. No one wants to see a live blog like this…

8:31 Hugh Jackman is doing a musical tribute to the nominated films.

8:34 Anne Hathaway is now in it.

8:35 An over the shoulder shot of Marissa Tomei reveals that either Sarah Jessica Parker or Secretariat is sitting behind her.

8:46 Halle Berry, Tilda Swinton, Angelica Houston, Whoopi Goldberg and what Goldie Hawn would look like if she was invaded by “the bug” in Men In Black 1, hit the stage and talk directly to the Best Supporting Actress nominees.

9:27 The new James Bond guy presents a few awards with what is either the upcoming nemesis from his next movie, or Sarah-Jessica Parker.

9:45 Ben Stiller is doing an impression of Joaquin Phoenix oh god, this is never gonna end, is it?

10:15 Ben Stiller is still doing this Joaquin Phoenix thing.

11:00 Hugh Jackman is doing a SECOND musical number. This is the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Dwarf porn. Hillary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry” had a smoother coming out.

11:05 They did it! They made Beyonce look like a non-hot elf.

11:15 I have just been told the musical is back. It isn’t.

11:45 Sean Penn won, Richard Jenkins was robbed. Seriously, Mickey Rourke took his wallet in the restroom earlier in the night.

12:01 AM: Alicia Keyes became Asian.

12:31 AM: Sophia Loren has gone from a sex symbol to men, to now a sex symbol for Ostriches.

7: 25 (The Next Day) This show is still going on. I have lost all hope. The stubble on my chin is fast becoming a beard as my stomach growls. I haven’t eaten since this thing started- I am weak, dehydrated, fading…

9:35 (Day 2) Is Jackman going to sing again, the mystery as to whether he will or not has become the reason for me to stay alive.

?:?? (Day 3?) I can no longer tell what time it is as too many suns have risen and set. The days have spun into each other and I have not looked at a calendar in weeks. I am alone. So alone. It’s cold here and I am thirsty. Affiliates have long abandoned any hopes of their local news broadcasts carrying relevant local news.

?:-- (Winter, 2009) The days grow dark earlier and earlier and the sun’s visits decrease in their frequency. To anyone still reading. I loved you. Night blankets the land once again…oh but to give pause…Slumdog won. Oh, and who told Miley Cyrus she could wear that dress? It is over.

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