Friday, February 27, 2009

What Sucks...El Vacio: A Funny Web Video

El Vacio: Snuff Film Outtakes

Here's another Web Video from the new web series I created, wrote and was in- El Vacio. Click on this bad boy- I we need to get as many clicks as the Dramatic Chipmunk by the end of day Sunday and right now we're only 2 million and change behind.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

What Sucks…Val-Pack Coupons

Hey Val-Pack, thanks for filling my mailbox up with crap. Thanks for that monthly envelope of coupons for shit that I either would never need (buy six Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt cups and get one free) or didn’t know exists (Del Monte makes sweaters?). I’d be less embarrassed walking into a supermarket using food stamps than one of these things.

Also, thanks for putting all that information in there about laser eye surgery. Cause that’s where I want my laser eye surgery info to come from- direct mail. And also, after you have lasers pointed at your eyes, it’s always good to know that in your pocket, you have a coupon good for 15 percent off.

This stuff is printed on paper. Trees died for this, you know. I think people should have to answer to trees for the reasons some of them are cut down.

“You killed me because something called ‘Jiffy Lube’ was offering 20 percent off a future car wash?”

“I was chopped down because you wanted to sell Welch’s new AquaJuice™ drink?”

“You felt there needed to be a Joey Lawrence Biography?”

I just threw that last one in, because it exists and I think a tree would be generally pissed about it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What Sucks...American Apparel (For Babies!)

Whew, that was close- I was beginning to think I’d never have a chance to dress a baby like it is an eastern European runaway. Look at these kids, I don’t know whether to buy their “onesie” or to introduce them to the nice couple who lives down the hall from me, looking to adopt.

What are the odds these kids know how to pickpocket? They’re friggin Gypsys! Check out young Demetri here, he certainly hasn’t been orphaned by fashion- he likes to lounge around in an “infant rib tank” perfect for sifting through the rubble of your recently bombed out home in Chechnya or for mixing it up with your friends in the underground clubs of Bucharest.

What Sucks…Blog News: El Vacio- A Web Series I Created

A web series I wrote and created called El Vacio is debuting this week on Comedy Central’s original web video outlet. Check it out and watch these videos- every Tuesday a new one debuts. Click on this, you bitches- Viacom is trying as best they can to monetize the internet- let’s all give them a hand by making it look like people are watching my videos!

El Vacio: Office Workout

Monday, February 23, 2009

What Sucks…The Oscars

I was going to Live-Blog it, but it’s hard to live blog something that doesn’t end. No one wants to see a live blog like this…

8:31 Hugh Jackman is doing a musical tribute to the nominated films.

8:34 Anne Hathaway is now in it.

8:35 An over the shoulder shot of Marissa Tomei reveals that either Sarah Jessica Parker or Secretariat is sitting behind her.

8:46 Halle Berry, Tilda Swinton, Angelica Houston, Whoopi Goldberg and what Goldie Hawn would look like if she was invaded by “the bug” in Men In Black 1, hit the stage and talk directly to the Best Supporting Actress nominees.

9:27 The new James Bond guy presents a few awards with what is either the upcoming nemesis from his next movie, or Sarah-Jessica Parker.

9:45 Ben Stiller is doing an impression of Joaquin Phoenix oh god, this is never gonna end, is it?

10:15 Ben Stiller is still doing this Joaquin Phoenix thing.

11:00 Hugh Jackman is doing a SECOND musical number. This is the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Dwarf porn. Hillary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry” had a smoother coming out.

11:05 They did it! They made Beyonce look like a non-hot elf.

11:15 I have just been told the musical is back. It isn’t.

11:45 Sean Penn won, Richard Jenkins was robbed. Seriously, Mickey Rourke took his wallet in the restroom earlier in the night.

12:01 AM: Alicia Keyes became Asian.

12:31 AM: Sophia Loren has gone from a sex symbol to men, to now a sex symbol for Ostriches.

7: 25 (The Next Day) This show is still going on. I have lost all hope. The stubble on my chin is fast becoming a beard as my stomach growls. I haven’t eaten since this thing started- I am weak, dehydrated, fading…

9:35 (Day 2) Is Jackman going to sing again, the mystery as to whether he will or not has become the reason for me to stay alive.

?:?? (Day 3?) I can no longer tell what time it is as too many suns have risen and set. The days have spun into each other and I have not looked at a calendar in weeks. I am alone. So alone. It’s cold here and I am thirsty. Affiliates have long abandoned any hopes of their local news broadcasts carrying relevant local news.

?:-- (Winter, 2009) The days grow dark earlier and earlier and the sun’s visits decrease in their frequency. To anyone still reading. I loved you. Night blankets the land once again…oh but to give pause…Slumdog won. Oh, and who told Miley Cyrus she could wear that dress? It is over.

Friday, February 13, 2009

What Sucks…Congrats “Having Sex With An Old Woman”!

WhatSuckBlog readers have spoken in record What Sucks Flash Poll numbers (61) and have said that “Having Sex With An Older Woman” is A-Rod’s biggest disgrace, beating “Frosting His Hair” and “Sucking In The Post Season” by a close margin with “Taking Steroids” getting only 2 votes. Apparently if some a-hole wants to pump drugs in his system in order to beat the records of a man who endured tremendous adversity due to racism you don't care- but if he wants to "F" grandma- screw him! Whatever, no one's judging except me and everyone else.

So anyway, congrats to “Having Sex With An Old Woman”, and congrats to all those who voted and as a special shout out to those who left comments on the last blog post, I am NOT Justin Long.

What Sucks…Live Blogging Things That Should Not Be Live Blogged: The Trailer For “He’s Just Not That Into You”

There are at least 14 things wrong with the trailer for “He’s Just Not That Into You”. And by “wrong”, I’m not talking about continuity issues in the film, or production errors, I’m talking about things that are seriously wrong – like shit that’s just not right- abominations in the eyes of God. This In the 2:30 trailer, I found about 14. How many can you find? If you can beat 14, put it in the comment section. If you’re right, I’ll let you have sex with 3 of my Facebook friends.

1) At a critical time in her development, a mom gives her child a mixed message regarding standing up for herself and setting healthy boundaries while simultaneously teaching her to equate abuse with love.

At this point the movie should turn into a stark drama about a women trying to wrestle her demons. And NOT have a Sister Hazel song kick in.

2) A friend, who is an adult, should never have to script what another friend would say in someone’s voice mail message.

3) In the part of said message in which the female lead loses her place, her natural reaction is to mention something regarding the equality that should and does exist between men and women, if this is what she truly believes, the entire premise of the film would be unnecessary.

4) A 33 year old Drew Barrymore A) refers to Myspace and then B) uses it as a verb.

5) The two people to whom she tells about said “Myspacing” A) do not walk away from her in disgust, B) do not correct her and C) reinforce her bullshit by saying that “Myspacing” (a verb that doesn’t exist) is “the new booty call”, this too is also not true as this film is not a period piece from the early 2002.

0:53 – 1:07
One conversation that would never happen occurs, followed by another.

7) No one is so dumb that they would try and comfort a friend by comparing her to Al Pacino.

8) No adult woman should have a pink phone. This woman should have a sleek, black cordless phone, no wonder no one is calling her back, she is a child.

9) No self-respecting bartender would ever spend one minute talking to a woman this un-self aware. They become bartenders in order to avoid this shit.

10) A series of conversations that would never happen occur, and they occur on a boat.

11) Scarlett Johansson takes off her clothes and tries to seduce the bad guy from Wedding Crashers.

12) A girl is so desperate to get laid, when the guy from the Mac Ads says he’s “going to bed” she says “is that an invitation?” and then says “oh god, that was cheesy” a phrase not used by anyone over 13 since 1988.

13) They destroy the meaning of a Cure song for anyone who has the unfortunate experience of watching this trailer.

14) Drew Barrymore, a professional women in her early 30’s, describes to a friend her struggles to speak to a man, in a manner that would suggest she is experiencing the phone, email, Backberry and texting for the first time.

What Sucks…Flash Poll Update: “Sex With Old Woman” Leading “Frosting Hair” With 8 Hours To Go as A-Rod’s Greatest Disgrace!

Apparently none of you seem to put great weight on taking steroids, and why should you? I’d gladly pump myself full of roids if it meant I would never be known for bedding Madonna or frosting my hair!

Still some time to vote- remember, your vote is important, one day A-Rod could google himself and come across this posting!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What Sucks…Chris Brown

I have been withholding comment about this because I wanted to get as much information as possible regarding this heinous act so I would be reacting to the facts instead of just salacious gossip. But everyday it gets worse and worse and by this time- with all the information coming out- Chris Brown (shown above apparently scowling at a woman) beat her unconscious, there were bite marks on her, SOMEONE- (the police, a lawyer for Chris Brown)- would have said whether or not Rihanna was running her mouth and they haven’t so I have no other choice but to say Chris Brown sucks. Big time.

KIDDING about the running her mouth thing- this is a comedy blog folks, relax. Chris Brown should be punished to the full extent of the law. As a matter of fact I’m a little uncomfortable about how bad this is- so I’ll just try and express my horror by posting a picture here that I think accurately expresses horror. (I stole this from DLISTED.Com, who apparently stole it from TMZ.)

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What Sucks…CNN Quick Vote Grabbing At Shit Today

Hurry up everyone, hurry on over to the most trusted name in news, CNN (Clinton News Network) and scroll down on their home page to vote on whether or not elevator rides without Muzak would be better or worse for your elevator riding experience.

Because its important to use space on your home page to talk about Muzak, you know cause there’s not a major stimulus bill to discuss with your readers- and there’s no need to talk about whether or not its important to have some kind of accountability from the banks for the billions of dollars we’ve already poured into them- please, how do we feel about instrumental versions of “Angel In The Morning” (they suck, maybe 5 people in America would disagree) being taken away from us- THAT’S what’s on the minds of Americans.

Related article- Muzak filed for bankruptcy.

By the way, even in this shitty economy, good riddance, what those people did to the songs of Hall & Oats, they should be imprisoned for.

By the way, hey CNN- stop ripping off my dumb poll ideas!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What Sucks Flash Poll…What Is A-Rod’s Biggest Disgrace? is asking readers to vote on what they determine to be A-Rod’s biggest disgrace. Can a man who took performance enhancing drugs and lied about it on national TV consider that his lowest moment even after he destroyed his marriage to have sex with Madonna (in 2008- not 1987 when that shit might have meant something)? Can taking steroids be a bigger disgrace than his dismal performance in the post season in 2005, 2006 or 2007? Finally would you rather hang with a dude who pumps himself full of ‘roids, or a dude who frosts his hair? Tough choices for WhatSucksBlog readers to choose from.

Also, if there’s something I’m missing that you want to write in, feel free (don’t be racist.)

Vote in upper right hand corner of the blog!

Monday, February 09, 2009

What Sucks…A-Rod Is A Disgrace Because He Cheated/ A-Rod Is A Disgrace Because He Slept With Madonna: A What Sucks Point/ Counterpoint

By allegedly taking performance enhancing drugs, as reported this weekend by Sports Illustrated, Alex Rodriguez has shamed himself and the game he purportedly loves.

According to the report, Rodriguez was found to have tested positive for steroids in 2003, while he was with the Texas Rangers. His name appears along with 103 other names of major leaguers who also tested positive for banned substances.

Widely seen as the greatest player of his generation, Rodriguez’ implication in the scandal is yet another reminder of the sorry state Major League Baseball is in vis-à-vis it’s ability to keep steroids out of the game.

Adding to this, A-Rod, or A-Roid, or A-Fraud, recently stated in an interview with 60 Minutes that he never used the drug.

Alex Rodriguez because he used a foreign substance AND lied about it is a disgrace, he has disappointed his team, himself and his many, many fans.

A-Rod Is A Disgrace Because He Slept With Madonna

Alex Rodriguez has the richest contract in professional sports. He plays 3rd base for the New York Yankees, the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports and he is on pace to be one of the greatest players, if not the greatest player in the history of the game.

He had it all- everything a young man could dream of- riches, ability, good health, and he chose to sleep with Madonna, a woman who was old as shit when she released “Ray Of Light” 11 years ago.

Alex Rodriguez let down fans, teammates and all non-“sex with the elderly” fetishists when he slept with Madonna, whom it is not completely unprovable that she is 100 years old, and may actually be patient zero for some advanced strains of the clap.

Alex Rodriguez is a disgrace for sleeping with an old lady, as recently as last fall, who has had more men in her than 85 percent of the world’s submarines. On top of this, he had frosted hair.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

What Sucks…The Octuplet Mom!

8 kids? And 6 more at home? I know pregnant dogs who think that’s a little much. This woman’s birth announcement has as a table of contents! A uterus should not be used as a clown car!*
By the way, an unwed, unemployed mother of 14? Good luck finding a husband- better start looking in the Reverse Mormon Church, located in Bizarro-Utah.

WhatSucksBlog has been able to get an exclusive shot of her sonogram by the way, check it out…

*Denotes: I’ll make the Uterus Clown Car Joke every time a woman has a bunch of kids!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Michael Phelps, Barack Obama, The Pro Bowl, The Vagina Monologues

…Michael Phelps

Maybe this dude eats massive amounts of calories for breakfast because he has the munchies! Is he on the box for Wheaties? ‘Cause I’m thinking the dude may be more of a fan of Cap’n Crunch! You love weed – no need to apologize!


Dude, anyone you know pay taxes? Seriously, who’s vetting your potential cabinet guys, the ghost of Red Foxx? Don’t get me wrong, we are in love with you but don’t make me read about HUD Secretary Willie Nelson getting turned down because there was a tax issue you didn’t know about.

…The Pro Bowl

Worst All-Star game in professional sports- and by professional sports, I’m counting hockey! I know medical procedures that are looked forward to more than this thing. Why play the game at all- Vegas has the over/ under at 46- PEOPLE WHO CARE!

…The Vagina Monologues

You hired Tiffany Pollard- New York from the first Flavor Of Love to be in this? This is a woman who competed with a bunch of other women, to sleep with Flava Flav! Are you adding a chapter about VD? Is the show being re-branded to “Tales From The Cooch”?

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

What Sucks…A Funny Web Video: Night Rascal!

Hey, my idea of throwing funny videos that were done by friends of mine in 2009 marches on! If you're bored at work, or waiting to meet your mistress in some hotel lobby and she's running late, check out this baby done by my friend Chris Regan who works over at the Spike Feresten Show (Talk Show With Spike Feresten) on Fox. . Remember to vote "funny" on it, and then, by the time its over, hopefully your mistress will have arrived and you can go enjoy your illicit affair! It’s a win-win!

Added bonus, once again it’s a video that mocks the elderly!

Monday, February 02, 2009

What Sucks...This Guy

Portrait of a gigantic yssup. (Spell it backwards.)

I'm the guy at the end who gets in his face. In spirit.