Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What Sucks...2008

Alas 2008 is gone and while you can try and spin it as a year in which we as a country achieved things never before achieved, in reality, you’re only kidding yourself. Yeah, we had a pretty special election but other than that and a dude who could swim fast, let’s face it, 2008 was a colossal shit storm in which we were all caught without umbrellas- not that umbrellas do much to help when it’s raining shit, but nonetheless, you get the point.

2008 was such a bad year it changed the meaning of certain words. “Bankable” for one, now needs to be completely re-thought. Also for many, “retirement” may not mean what it used to. Oh, and for those of you who care, the meaning of “torture” was changed too, by our own government- see that readers, you weren’t paying attention for a second and I put a mirror in front of your face- DEAL WITH IT!

The world went to shit so much this year that “piracy” made a come back- actual pirates on the open seas- not, you know stealing music from your friend- which by the way, needs to make a come back. PIRATES! What, if 2008 was 13 months instead of 12, would we all be getting raped by Vikings? What does the future hold- attacks from a hoard of Mongols? In this day and age no one should have to worry about walking planks!

And yeah- our crowning achievement of the year- our country electing its first ever African American President. Now, while that was a remarkable accomplishment, in reality isn’t it also the result of choosing a guy in the PREVIOUS election that was so incredibly shitty that a black dude with a Muslim name could be chosen as his replacement? What I’m saying is, don’t bust your arm patting yourself on your back, America.

So what was 2008 all about? Boil it down to one word, and that word more than likely is “douchebags”. And now, while the taste of those douchebags is still fresh in our mouths like the taste of a burp where you throw up just a little- let’s take a look at them and reflect.

As always, the following is just a small window into the endless supply of DB’s out there who made 2008 the year it was. If you’re not named in this post it doesn’t mean you ain’t part of the problem- I’m looking at you- everyone involved in the incident where a woman drank so much water- in order to win a Wii- that she died later that day- and you, lady who drew a “B” on her face because she thought it would inspire people to vote for John McCain, and you, producers of those “Disaster Movie/ Meet The Spartans” type films.

10) The Hogan Family

Not exactly a red letter year for these guys and I know a lot of this crap happened at the tail end of 2007 but still, let’s not quibble- it sucked and it needs to be talked about.

A drunk Nick Hogan put his friend in a vegetative state after a huge car accident (in 2007), then went to jail (in 2008) where he cried and whined to the point where- and I have this from a good source- he just wasn’t sexy to the prisoners there.

What a disappointment- a dude with blond hair and fair skin- and it turns out he’s a turnoff in the big house. It’s like the jailhouse equivalent of that email you get from a friend where he sends you a picture of a really hot chick and then on the bottom of it, it says “someone, somewhere is sick of her shit”. Maybe it was a good strategy employed by Nick to survive “federal pound you in the ass prison”, now its no longer “kick someone’s ass the first day”, its “be annoying and turn everyone off.” What I’m saying is, I guess it’s not a pretty mouth when all it does is say bad things about a guy who you put in a coma.

So, Nick and his family members commiserated with each other on the phone about him “having to do time in jail” before things got really ugly when Brooke, Hulk’s other son, threatened America with posing in Playboy.

For my younger readers who may not remember this, it got pretty tense there for a while. Like, real tense. Like, Cuban Missile Crisis tense. Rumors were flying all over the place. Brooke was the one saying “no”? Playboy approached her? Was this conclusive evidence that Heff had Alzheimer’s? What was Playboy doing, using reverse psychology? Turns out the crisis was avoided and Brooke Hogan didn’t appear naked- but there we’re definitely some white knuckle moments there- and not the good kind when you think of Playboy.

Oh and, throughout all this, Linda Hogan, Hulk’s former wife, who’s 47 and gave birth to these ‘tards, dated a 19 year old.

9) Governors

Have trouble in 2008 scheduling time with a hooker, or getting someone to return your call about a bribe you wanted to give? Could be because of one or two of these a-hole governors were just so friggin’ busy this year. In NY, a state populated by the way with a lot of people who employ hookers, the Governor used so many hookers, it was no longer tenable to let him keep his job. Too bad too, because the thing he liked SECOND most to hookers? Fighting corporate fraud.

As for Blago, holy shit every time I try and talk about how he was going to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat the highest bidder, I get mesmerized by that incredible mane. Good lord, that dude will never be bald.

8) John Edwards

Early in the presidential campaign John Edwards was a hero to many for being the only major Presidential Candidate to continually champion the cause of poverty, who knew at the time he was probably doing it because he felt that making child support payments to cover his illegitimate kid was gonna cost him a bundle.

Dude- the poor have it hard enough without the only dude who spoke up for them in the most high profile Presidential campaign getting caught fathering a love child with another woman while his wife bravely faces a terminal diagnosis of cancer. And hey, and by saying you had the affair when she was in remission, like you did, you’re not helping!

Seriously, what do you want people to say?

Person 1: Did you hear John Edwards cheated on his wife, who has been battling cancer, and MAY have had a love-child with some wacko woman who makes shitty films?

Person 2: You're kidding me, what a scumbag.

Person 1: Well, his wife was in remission at the time.

Person 2: Oh, well then all bets are off. If she was in remission, I have no problem with it.

7) The R. Kelly Jury

Jesus, what do you people need? A videotape of a guy peeing on an underage girl SHOT IN HI DEF? I’m sorry they didn’t have a lighting guy and a grip on site. This dude should be jailed for the Trapped In The Closet videos alone! Memo to juries- we’re convicting people now when there’s overwhelming evidence! This is the year OJ went to jail!

6) The People Who Gave The Following People Shows- And Yes, Even Though I’m Not Naming The “Charm School”, “Real Chance at Love”, and “Rock of Love Tour Bus”, It Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Pigs.

“Keeping Up With The Kardasians”, “Living Lohan” and “It’s Complicated” are all a part of “E”. Jeez, what was the mandate this year…

EXEC 1: We’re getting a lot of research that people want to see shows about high maintenance whores…

EXEC 2: I concur, and may I suggest, some of these shows about whores feature young girls, still unproven in the world of whoredom, teens per say?

EXEC 1: Yes, like a young girl- a sister or daughter of a whore, still in her teens- still with a theoretic chance to be a non-whore. Excellent. Yes, let’s retard the growth of children!

And if you watch these shows, or just about anything on VH1, you’re part of the problem too. You’re only encouraging them to make more of this. Remember- one man’s “guilty pleasure” TV is another’s “perpetuating racial stereotypes” TV.

At first glance a lot of these shows are even named the same. You have “Real Chance at Love” Tila Tequila’s “Shot At Love” and now the new show “Double Shot At Love”? Doesn’t matter, folks, the only thing you have a shot at with any of these shows is…say it with me…chlamydia.

By the way “Shot At Love” couldn’t even get Tila Tequila to come back, it’s like the “Highlander 3” of shitty TV shows that will give you herpes. Now it’s offering a set of twins for the fake lesbians and fake straight guys to fake compete for.

In the case of “I Love Money”, viewers are tuning in to watch former contestants from “Flavor Of Love”, “I Love New York” and “Rock Of Love” compete against each other. These are not even the winners from the 3 aforementioned shows. These are people who Flavor Flav, the “winner” from the first “Flavor of Love” someone named Tiffany Pollard, or Bret Michaels would not fuck twice. I can’t believe this show was even made- did you know Lost had to be pitched like 10 times before it got a green light?

And “Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious” may be the worst. Is it anyone’s dream to be a “Pussycat Doll”? I mean anyone who’s not already been coerced into dancing at a strip club in the Midwest? This is America- really- is that your dream to be in the Pussycat Dolls? Go back to sleep and dream again, you're not doing it right.

Don't I wish my girlfriend was hot like you? Sure, but I'll take the slightly less hot, syphilis-free girl I have right now, thank you very much.

5) Republican Scumbags

One would be remiss if they didn’t include Rudy Giuliani on ANY list of biggest douchebags, the fact that he mentions 9-11 more than and 911 operator (Hello, you’ve reached 9-1-1) is reason enough to put him here, and while I don’t want to rehash a ton of political stuff, his speech at the 2008 RNC basically dared those who make douchebag lists not to include him. Well, I’m not taking that dare, douchebag.

You can YOUTUBE it but here it is in a nutshell. This asshole, along with Mitt Romney, got up there and shat on Barack Obama, with a straight face saying that Obama “looks down his nose on small town America” because SMA is not “sophisticated enough for him”. Fine, a hacky jab at a politician is nothing new but RUDY WAS THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY! (And Romney was to Gov. of Mass.) SHITTING ON SMALL TOWN AMERICA IS PART OF OUR CITY’S CHARTER!


At least have one of the shit-kickers in the Republican Party give that speech, not this douche-god! As mayor of New York you’re supposed to start your speeches off like this…

“Yeah, some dude peed on your leg in the subway this morning, and yeah the apartment next door to was robbed at gun point, but hey, at least we’re all not living in Crawford, Nebraska. Am I right?” - Fiorello LaGuardia

Plus Rudy gets extra douchebag points for blowing the nomination. At one point, he was way up in the polls, hell, they were handing it to him, he was all ready to go too- Judith Nathan was gonna be First (Goofy Looking) Lady, and Rudy was all set to put himself on the 9-11 Dollar bill- next thing you know, he’s out of the race.

As for Rush Limbaugh, he made repeated calls to action to his listeners to hold the line and all it resulted in was a Democratic, black President. Can we stop referring to him as a force in American politics now? That goes for the people out there who are poor-man’s Rush Limbaughs of which there are a ton of. And “Barack The Magic Negro”, is not satire, its racist. For those of you who care, the LA Times reference to a “magical negro” was referencing the Hollywood phenomenon of having a black guy like Will Smith in movies like “The Legend Of Bagger Vance” or Morgan Freeman in “Driving Miss Daisy”- and it’s concurring effect on the white people in those films. Not, the fact that a black guy got elected and was seemingly unqualified. In the LA Times article- he’s magical because of his effect on a white person, not as Rush and the dude who wrote the parody would have it, “magic” because he pulled one over on white people. It’s not cool the use the term “negro” if you’re white- the last person to do it and get a laugh was the dude in Animal House and that was like 1977.

Sorry to harp on this but racism really pisses me off, especially when it’s done wrong- be original out there, racists! There are so many great reasons to hate each other- please, don’t get lazy!

4) People Who Got Rich Off The Bullshit That Was Going On In Finance, People Who Took Mortgages They Had No Business Taking and People Who Gave The Mortgage to Them AND The CEO’s of Major Companies With Their Hands Out

So here’s the deal. This is not a post about the need for regulation and all that boring shit about how greed run amuck is the cause of all our problems- I get that people saw an opportunity to make some big-time money by packaging shitty mortgages and selling them off to other people who then sold them on and on, so forth and so forth. I get that people got mortgages they normally would never have gotten because of this and I get that no one put a gun to those people’s heads to take those mortgages. I understand that people want to make money out there and so do I.

What sucks is that no one, anywhere along the line, seemed to think about what would happen when the ride was over and now we, people who didn’t get crazy rich over this, have to pay the price. So now it’s harder for me to get a mortgage, the guy who lives next door to me is gonna lose his job because people in his firm were selling bullshit and finally got called on it, and now folks are gonna not get jobs because the people who normally invest money in companies that cause the creation of jobs, are all hurtin’ for certain, because the stock market tanked.

So we all lose while a very small percentage of assholes sail away on yachts. Oh and forget about those people who had a ton of money tied up in their 401K’s, they’re all shitting their pants for the next 4 years.

Add on to this how the disgusting, corrupt pigs who represent us making it easy for Sallie Mae, credit card companies, (some of the most evil mo-fo’s on the planet) and phone companies, etc., to basically rape young people and students with their outrageous interest rates/ payment schedules. We’re eating our young- and you know what- it doesn’t taste too good because most of it is fat.

I just threw that cigarette executive picture in there because those guys suck too and I like that picture.

3) Joe The Plumber

Sorry to over-use the phrase but, wow, what a douchebag. I mean really. Are we really referring to this guy as the “average American”? Because if we are, and I’m an “average American”, I’m pretty fucking insulted. Are we saying the average American is an a-hole?

Let’s review the evolution of this ass-clown.

The guy stopped Barack Obama as he was campaigning one day and asked him a question about his small business tax policy, misrepresenting himself as

a) a potential small business owner
b) a plumber
c) a guy who’s name was “Joe”

Obama went on to earnestly respond to his question (let’s see if McCain would have spoken to someone he knew wasn’t gonna vote for him- it was all he could do to look at Joy Behar when he was on the View) and tried to explain his position. Later that week, John McCain drops his name about 1000 times at the Presidential Debate and then the rest of us are subject to this jack-ass for not only the rest of the campaign, but apparently unless he’s killed by a Hamas rocket, and those assholes can’t hit water if they fell out of a boat, for the rest of our lives!

2) Sarah Palin

Wow what can be said about this douche monger? I'll tell you one thing, there was no middle ground with this public figure- you either HATED her, or were completely ignorant.

By the way, politics aside, she should be on the list just for the names she gives her kids! Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow? But let's not give her too much crap for Piper and Tripp- after all, grandmas don’t get to name their grandkids!

I just want to make it clear that this douche-queen got a really raw deal from the media. Not at one time did they use the term “cunt” to describe her and I seriously feel she put in the effort to earn it. Wait, does “hockey mom” mean “cunt”? Let me wiki that one…nope, well I guess the media, liberal or otherwise never gives you the credit you deserve. It’s just a shame.

Oh and while we’re on the subject of the media, I have a question for them if they happen to be reading…did Sarah Palin “excite the base”? Because I’m not sure she did, you only mentioned it 16 million times. Like, whenever she came up, like whenever there was a videotape of her asking a crowd to grab pitchforks and head into town.

How bout and expose on this base who are excited by this fem-turd. They’re okay with her being VP? One heartbeat away from the Presidency? What, the people of Alaska decide they want a governor they can “F” and that’s all that has to happen for someone to hold the most powerful office in the free-world?*

* deonotes: 2nd most when Cheney steps down.

1) ….?

To be the number one douche on this list you have to “out-douche” a lot of people. This is no run of the mill DB here, you have to surpass Spencer Pratt, Heather Mills, Elizabeth Hasselbeck and even Madonna. You may ask is there a douche with those kind of powers out there? Sadly, the answer is yes.

Is it Bernie Madoff? Ha, no. He stole money from the rich (and charities) and gave to himself- he’s kind of a douchey Robin Hood.

Is it the “Pregnant Man”? Naw. He’s a douche no doubt, plus, more than that, he’s a woman. (He has ovaries and stuff- it allows him to get prego!)

Is it John McCain? No, but it could have been, he is responsible for #3, and #2 on this list but no I’m gonna go with…

George W. Bush.

Now before you tell me this is a lifetime achievement thing—like when Pacino won Best Actor for “Scent of a Woman”, you have to look at the year the guy had. I mean for a dude who had exceeded his political relevancy a long time ago, he had a very strong douche year.

Like the time when he tap-danced while waiting to “endorse” John McCain. Wow, what was going through McCain’s head then? “This guy torpedoed me in 2000 with lies and slander, then fucks the country up for 8 years straight making it impossible for me to get elected and here I am to get one photo with him, and he’s tap dancing? Balls.”

Bush is a real champ of suck. You just have to take your hat off to him. Anyone else would have coasted down the stretch. I mean, how do you top not being able to catch Bin Laden, the loss of an entire city and going to war by choice rather than necessity? How bout presiding over the Great Depression 2? And then, when you think he HAS to be finished, when he’s lost his White House for his party- does he lie down? No, goes to Iraq and gets shoes thrown at him. FUCKING SHOES! It’s amazing- it's like Ted Williams hitting a home run in his final at bat. I can't wait for the inauguration- Bush is gonna be like Detective Frank Drebin at the ceremony welcoming Queen Elizabeth in the 1st Naked Gun Movie.

Many people who support Bush point out that history in the long term may judge him differently than we expect. Well, in order for that to happen Iraq has to become a thriving democracy, the economy has to make a U-Turn and America has to regain all the respect it’s lost over the last 8 years, OR…future historians all have to become assholes.

So there you have it, 2008 in the books, 2009 already showing signs of being a banner year for suckage. Well, I’ll be here chronicling it, and it will still be free, so all your broke, or soon-to-be broke asses can read along.

1 comment:

Roast said...

One word: "Misunderestimate"