Friday, January 30, 2009

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Burglars of Amy Winehouse’s Home, Amy Winehouse, Blago, Ted Haggard, New In Town, Renee Zellweger

…Thieves Burglarizing Amy Winehouse’s Home

WTF? What are you, the “used crack-pipe bandits”? When you broke into the house were you like “Shit, someone already hit this place!” What were you looking for? You have someone who fences loose teeth for you?

…Amy Winehouse

Playing Scrabble topless? How many points can you get for the word “throwupinmymouth”? What is wrong with you? Aren’t there any drugs you could be taking?

…Rod Blagojevich

Hey, you lost your impeachment vote 59 to nothing, now maybe you can run for President…of…say it with me, HAIR CLUB FOR MEN! Whoo-hoo! No, seriously, you should be put in jail.

...Ted Haggard

Look dude, when you’re busted having your 2nd and 3rd affair with a dude, you’re not engaging in “sordid conversations” and “improper relationships”, you’re gay. Once you admit it you can move out of the world of gay hustlers and illicit affairs and into the world of art show openings and fancy restaurants. It’s much less seedy.

…New In Town

I can’t believe that in 2009 I am still being asked to believe that Renee Zellweger is hot. What am I, a "girls sucking lemons" fetishist? This should have been settled years ago, Obama is right- we are afraid of making tough decisions!

What Sucks...Windertech: A Funny Web Video

My friend, the very funny Eric Drysdale through together this video just before the new year- I wanted to post it but for some reason never got around to it. Check it out and don't forget to vote "funny" for it.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What Sucks Presents…A What Sucks Message From God, To Mankind

Every once in a while, I get an email from the Lord and He tells me he'd like to do a guest post on What-Sucks, who am I to say no?

Apparently he's not a fan of foot binding.

This was hot for Chinese men by the way? WTF, pervs?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

What Sucks...The Reaper

The great John Updike, RIP.

A personal apology to this man from this blog for connecting him on any google search, with the film, Delta Farce.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What Sucks…The Song From Cheers, If It Weren’t For Cheers

Yes, you read that correctly, I’m saying the song used as the theme from Cheers, sucks.

It’s true and I know what you’re all saying- “that song is a classic”, “I love Cheers”, “Is today the day this blog finally talks in depth about adult braces porn?” (NSFW)

Well, this isn’t about Cheers, and it isn’t about adult braces porn, you perv, and sometimes to find out what sucks you have to dig deep. Suckage needs to be “uncovered”, viewed in the sunlight for what it is and this song “Where Everybody Knows Your Name”, sucks.

Let’s take a look at the lyrics. Here’s the part we’re all familiar with…

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away? 

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. 

You wanna be where you can see, 
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name. 

You wanna go where people know, 
people are all the same 

You wanna go where everybody knows 
your name. 

Yeah, I get it- it’s a great song, it’s comforting, and you grew up watching the repeats on channel 11…but this post isn’t about sitcom opening billboards that suck- it’s about a song that blows and what this in-depth, What-Sucks report is saying- for the first time publicly, is that not only are there many more lyrics to this song, but those lyrics in question make the song suck.

All those night when you've got no lights 

The check is in the mail; 

And your little angel 

Hung the cat up by it's tail; 

And your third fiance didn't show; 

Sometimes you want to go 

3rd fiancé? Check is in the mail? What are you talking about?

Where everybody knows your name, 

And they're always glad you came; 

You want to be where you can see, 

Our troubles are all the same; 

You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright; 

And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write; 

And your husband wants to be a girl; 

Be glad there's one place in the world

Shrink ran off to Europe and didn’t even write? Whose shrink writes? HUSBAND WANTS TO BE A GIRL?

This is the Captain Jack of sitcom theme songs! I feel like shit now- why not just have the chorus say… (sing to the tune of the Cheers theme song)

Where everybody knows your name, 

And they all know your life’s lame
You want to go where people know, 

Got problems? You’re the one to blame-
You want to be where everyone knows
You’re a loser.
Hey, no shit you’re going out to drink,
I would too if I was as miserable as you are.
You know it’s a week night but what do you care
Drink yourself till you’re numb!
You wanna go where you can drink till you're numb!

Try throwing Woody Harrelson’s or George Wendt’s credits over that. There have been few songs out there that have benefited more from editing than “Where Everyone Knows Your Name”.

Song Sucks.

Monday, January 26, 2009

What Sucks… Bernie Madoff Being Under “House Arrest”

How is this guy allowed to be under house arrest? He lives in a penthouse on 5th Avenue! What’s the punishment here? That Madoff wasn’t allowed to pick the house? Poor guy had his heart set on his Gulf Coast estate.

The whole point of arrest is punishment, isn’t it? Isn’t being arrested for stealing billions of dollars from people and ruining a shitload of lives supposed to lead to bad things? What’s with this judge? I heard if Madoff doesn’t clean up his act soon, he may not be allowed to watch his hi-def 72 inch TV anymore while ordering in from Nobu.

Unless this guy somehow lives with a bunch of dudes from the Latin Kings who feel they were recently crossed, I say this is serious bullshit. He should be worrying about getting shiv’d right now not whether or not he needs to upgrade his satellite TV deal because he’s gonna be spending a lot more time “around the house”.

Friday, January 23, 2009

What Sucks…Grey’s Anatomy

Look, as I have told you all before, I’d rather watch Arli$$ while someone punched me in the privates with a Fredrick Kreuger glove on, than watch this show every week, but I happen to live with someone who if I left, would cost me half my shit (ahem, and break my heart), and I don’t have a lot of shit, so Thursdays at 9 my ass is watching ABC.


…it blew even more than usual. This show by the way is falling into what I can only call a “Suck-Nova”. A sucking so powerful it threatens to destroy everything around it.

Here’s a quick recap in case you’re doing the right thing and not watching:

RECAP #1: The Izzy Fucking a Ghost situation:

Izzy continues to fuck a ghost, but now there’s “trouble in paradise”- other than he’s dead- as she feels he’s beginning to crowd her a little. He, the ghost, tells her he’s “there for her” and that she may want to look into the fact that she is seeing him, you know, through the eyes of a “scientist”, she figures it out that she’s not well and then gets mad at the ghost, and slaps him in the face calling him “selfish”. The ghost apparently, proving you CAN take it with you, if what you want to take with you is low self-esteem, agrees with her that he’s selfish and wonders aloud if he’s in hell. Yeah, you are buddy- it’s called watching this show.

Nice job Izzy, by the way- you’re a doctor and you’re fucking a ghost for like 6 weeks and only NOW you begin to consider that you may not be well? Why, because all the other times when you fucked a ghost the relationship worked out? Why aren’t you then married to a ghost then? I’ll tell you why Izzy, because you’re very needy and that’s a turn off to men both alive AND dead. You’ll always be alone.

RECAP #2: Stoltz V. McDreamy

Even though he’s a successful brain surgeon, McDreamy has to get the last laugh on serial killer Eric Stoltz, and perform a procedure on him that will allow to live, even though he’s scheduled to die 5 days later by lethal injection, all this happens while a totally innocent and by all accounts precocious, 9 year old boy, who needs organs, walks the fine line between life and death.

Meredith and Bailey are made to look like psycho rouges because of their suggestion to let Stoltz die, even though not only did he SAY he wanted to die, but his death would have then made it possible for said kid to live. McDreamy self-righteously belittles Bailey in an O.R.- asking her if he is a “surgeon or an executioner” as he pads his resume on a dude who the state will only kill 5 days later. He then fucks with Meredith’s already (very) fragile psyche by telling her it’s always good to save a life- even though, he fucked up 2 lives to save Smoltz, who again, was just gonna be killed in 5 days.

His inability to get the big picture forces the Chief, who let’s face it has let the hospital go to shit by hiring a bunch of sex addicts, strong arm some new widow for the organs of her brain dead husband. So, if you’re keeping track at home, and there’s no reason you should be- because McDreamy won’t play ball, he fucks up the dying kid, the new widow, and a person unknown who could have received much needed organs that end up eventually going to the dying kid.

On top of this, Meredith is guilted into going to Stoltz’ execution, and McDreamy a) let’s her go, then b) after her subsequent break-down dumps her in Yang’s apartment because he can’t put the pieces back together. This is a couple that should not be together and I say that as someone who introduced Jon Mark Carr to Jonbenet Ramsey (who knew?!)

I wouldn’t spend so much time on this if I hadn’t, while looking for a picture of Denny come across this at ABC.Com

Who crossed the line trying to save a 9 year-old kid?! Who crossed the line by doing everything they possibly could to keep the kid alive?! Who crossed the line by suggesting that perhaps a worthless piece of garbage serial killer might be of use to society by donating an organ to a little kid only at the beginning of his life? Yeah, I have a problem with McDreamy not being a choice on the list.

RECAP #3: Oh yeah, and McSteamy literally, breaks his dick.

Okay, so everyone is caught up now. Oh wait, Yang starts a relationship off with an alcoholic who clearly has PSTD from the Iraq war and there is a new, blond doctor who is vaguely lesbianish, who can’t seem to pull the trigger on hooking up with Callie O’Mally, who, by the way, would basically fuck a fern if she thought it would give her some attention.

Grey’s Anatomy is on ABC, Thursdays at 9!

What Sucks…Old People News: A Funny Web Video

Old People News

I’m a fan of writer, comic and comic-actor Kevin Maher. Here’s a short he did for Atom Films called “Old People News”. It makes fun of the elderly- which is enough for me right there- those fuckers need to be taken down a peg or two- even though it pisses them off- hey geezers, truth hurts!. Check it out.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

What Sucks…The Premiere Of Lost, The Hand Cutting Off Guys

I wish I could go back in time to when it was easier to follow this show. Then I wish I could go into the future to where I understand everything they were trying to set up last night.

By the way, writers of Lost, have some frigging respect for the Space Time Continuum. I mean if Marty McFly even HINTED to Doc Brown anything about the Flux Capacitor, he’d get all worked up and give Michael J. Fox a 20 minute lecture on how not to disturb it. You guys are fucking with it constantly.

I suppose there was a reason why Locke (SPOILER ALERT) had to be shot by Ethan? I mean, why him? Did he need a few more minutes of screen time to get his SAG card? How bout (SPOILER ALERT) the band of 3 “hand cutting off commandos” that show up, threaten to cut off Julia’s 2nd hand (the first one was an automatic to them) and are then (SPOILER ALERT) killed 15 seconds later by Locke?

By the way, those guys made a serious run at being the biggest dicks to ever appear on Lost. First off, their leader looked like that nerd guy Neil who was (SPOILER ALERT) killed by a “flaming arrow” (MORRISSEY'S FIRST BAND), secondly, they tell Sawyer if he doesn’t talk, they’ll cut off Julia’s OTHER hand, basically saying that they’re cutting off her first hand because they’re just dicks. Then, they get their asses kicked by one single, solitary dude (Locke) who has a bad leg- and who was paralyzed not to long ago, who’s also old and is probably missing a kidney.

LOST (SPOILER ALERT) sucks, and is on 9 PM Wednesday nights!

What Sucks...The 4th Hour of the Today Show

Holy shit.

They’re stretching the shit out of this thing by adding a THIRD hour- a FOURTH is absolutely ridiculous. This thing gets any longer, it should be called the “day” show- because my friends, that’s how long it will be on- a whole, fucking day. (Thank you.)

And by the way, producers of the Today Show- you’re not making this thing move any faster by putting Kathy Lee Gifford on it. Every time she talks it's like the 4th hour has a built in 5th hour. The stage version of Benjamin Button moves quicker.

Come on, get your shit together- your competition is The View, you could literally air ANYTHING other than this and you would be giving the world a giant present.

Oh and by the way, take a look at the award winning clip above if you want to know whether or not ALL of Lisa Rinna’s lips are filled with collagen. (And yes, I’m proud to be the 9000th person to make that joke.) And by award winning I mean “Best Clip of an Old Bag, Showing Her Vage” (There really is an award show for everything!)

What Sucks...Inverted Question Marks In Spanish

¿What gives, Spanish? ¿You’re telling me that before you ask me a question, you have to show me an upside-down question mark so I know it will be a question? ¿And then you STILL have a question mark at the end of your question? That’s bullshit and you are too liberal with your use of punctuation! Look how silly the beginning of this paragraph looks! ¿Are you happy now that you’ve made this post look ridiculous?

A question mark at the end of the question, and an inflection of voice at the end of said question should be enough!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What Sucks…Cone Shaped Water Cooler Cups

Hey, whoever designed these things- nice job, and by “nice job” I mean, “shitty job”, what else are you designing, a urinal made of herpes sores?

Really, did you come up with the idea of making a cone shaped cup and NOT spend the extra 1.5 mili-second to think of how to improve your invention? Are you so self-consumed you couldn’t picture the next logical innovation to your “cone shaped water cooler cup”- a cup with a FLAT bottom?

What were you saying- “Ah, yes – you’re welcome universe- the cone shaped water cooler cup, now where do I go to cash my check for a zillion dollars?”

Well, F-You pal. Cone shaped water cooler cups effectively give me

a) a thimble sized amount of water
b) a cup that one has to balance in their hands like some kind of douchebag, because it is impossible to put down without spilling and…
c) a cup that can never be re-used so thusly, its bad for the environment.

Nice job, all I wanted was to get some water, now my day is more stressful than it ever was, AND trees had to die. You’re a real asshole.

I don’t normally say this, and I know it may sound harsh to those who read this blog from time to time, but if you’re out there, designer of cone shaped water cooler cups, hang yourself.

Yes, that’s right, hang yourself. All I talk about at the water cooler these days is what a douchebag you are.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What Sucks...A Historic Day: A What Sucks Photo Essay

What Sucks…Bush

It’s an emotional day here at What Sucks as we say goodbye to a legend of suck. In a few moments, George W. Bush will no longer be President.

Oh Bush- what you’ve done for suckage can never been understated. If I know you, you’re kicking yourself right now- like Liam Neeson at the end of Schinder’s List- well, actually not like that, kind of like the opposite of that, yes you had 8 years- yes you are a suck-god and I know you are probably, right now wishing you did more- or less, as it were.

What else could have been? A second American civil war? Is their water that flows in America that is still ok to drink? Were there animals who at the beginning of your time, on the verge of extinction, that live still?

Be easy on yourself. Relax weary suck warrior, breathe. Exhale and put down the phone. Call off those last minute laws that make strip mining legal. Let the guys in the white van who you have surveilling Muhammed Ali’s house, because his name is Muhammed, take a 20 minute break. Rest easy there’s plenty for you in your last few moments not to react to in the areas of unemployment which is now at 7.2 percent, social security which is on a collision course with bankruptcy and health care.

Your work is done. Exhale.

Now, go back to Crawford and clear that brush your always trying to clear but can't seem to get done either.

Monday, January 19, 2009

What Sucks...Casanovas! A Funny Web Series

Hey guess what- I have a lot of funny friends and I'm gonna throw their videos up here from time to time for you to check out. That's right- videos. I think pretty soon, a lot of people are gonna be watching videos on the web- call it a feeling I have. Casanovas stars my friend Kip Madsen- he's a funny dude.

Friday, January 16, 2009

What Sucks…Caption These Pictures Contest Winners Announced!

Congratulations to everyone who entered our latest “What-Sucks Caption These Pictures Contest”- it was an amazing response to our contest and believe me, deciding who to choose as the winners, was a very, very tough decision.

But taking home first place was Lena Francisco of Brooklyn, NY whose entry “Holy Shit!” took home the prize for this photo…


And let’s not forget Reggie Mooney of the Bronx who came up with this gem…

“Are they on the wing? In the fucking Hudson River? Holy Fuck-Shit!”

And honorable mention goes to Nick Demarco of East Brunswick, NJ who gave us this caption-

This is the guy should be blown!

Congrats once again to all the winners, and thank you to everyone who participated.

What Sucks…Geese

Phase 3 of the Geese V. Humans War kicked into high gear yesterday when a flock of geese took out the engine of a small plane, causing it to crash land in the Hudson River.

Phase 1 obviously being to eat something and then poop it out immediately, on a public grass of some sort, phase 2, being able to hiss like a goddamn cobra if you get too close to them in an effort to chase them away- if you’ve never experienced it, try it- then change your pantaloons.

Well, it’s been clear to me for some time now and it should be clear to all of you- animals want us dead. Now, if those a-holes would ever learn to work in conjunction, against us, they may have a chance.

Don’t worry, by me writing that, it’s not gonna give them any ideas because- they can’t read and they certainly can’t operate a computer and find this blog on some search for anything other than “Fluffer”.

F You geese!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What Sucks…The Reaper

Que es mas macho? El mesaniero de la muerte o’ Ricardo Montalban?

Mesaniero de la muerte….



The reaper yesterday took the great Ricardo Montalban. Many will remember him as the star of Fantasy Island, Mr. Roarke, others will recall his epic role as Kahn in the second Star Trek Movie, in which he engaged in fierce battle of over-acting with William Shatner that spanned across the universe.

Still others will remember him as the bad guy in the first Naked Gun Movie, in which he was excellent.

Ricardo Montalban, RIP.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What Sucks...2008

Alas 2008 is gone and while you can try and spin it as a year in which we as a country achieved things never before achieved, in reality, you’re only kidding yourself. Yeah, we had a pretty special election but other than that and a dude who could swim fast, let’s face it, 2008 was a colossal shit storm in which we were all caught without umbrellas- not that umbrellas do much to help when it’s raining shit, but nonetheless, you get the point.

2008 was such a bad year it changed the meaning of certain words. “Bankable” for one, now needs to be completely re-thought. Also for many, “retirement” may not mean what it used to. Oh, and for those of you who care, the meaning of “torture” was changed too, by our own government- see that readers, you weren’t paying attention for a second and I put a mirror in front of your face- DEAL WITH IT!

The world went to shit so much this year that “piracy” made a come back- actual pirates on the open seas- not, you know stealing music from your friend- which by the way, needs to make a come back. PIRATES! What, if 2008 was 13 months instead of 12, would we all be getting raped by Vikings? What does the future hold- attacks from a hoard of Mongols? In this day and age no one should have to worry about walking planks!

And yeah- our crowning achievement of the year- our country electing its first ever African American President. Now, while that was a remarkable accomplishment, in reality isn’t it also the result of choosing a guy in the PREVIOUS election that was so incredibly shitty that a black dude with a Muslim name could be chosen as his replacement? What I’m saying is, don’t bust your arm patting yourself on your back, America.

So what was 2008 all about? Boil it down to one word, and that word more than likely is “douchebags”. And now, while the taste of those douchebags is still fresh in our mouths like the taste of a burp where you throw up just a little- let’s take a look at them and reflect.

As always, the following is just a small window into the endless supply of DB’s out there who made 2008 the year it was. If you’re not named in this post it doesn’t mean you ain’t part of the problem- I’m looking at you- everyone involved in the incident where a woman drank so much water- in order to win a Wii- that she died later that day- and you, lady who drew a “B” on her face because she thought it would inspire people to vote for John McCain, and you, producers of those “Disaster Movie/ Meet The Spartans” type films.

10) The Hogan Family

Not exactly a red letter year for these guys and I know a lot of this crap happened at the tail end of 2007 but still, let’s not quibble- it sucked and it needs to be talked about.

A drunk Nick Hogan put his friend in a vegetative state after a huge car accident (in 2007), then went to jail (in 2008) where he cried and whined to the point where- and I have this from a good source- he just wasn’t sexy to the prisoners there.

What a disappointment- a dude with blond hair and fair skin- and it turns out he’s a turnoff in the big house. It’s like the jailhouse equivalent of that email you get from a friend where he sends you a picture of a really hot chick and then on the bottom of it, it says “someone, somewhere is sick of her shit”. Maybe it was a good strategy employed by Nick to survive “federal pound you in the ass prison”, now its no longer “kick someone’s ass the first day”, its “be annoying and turn everyone off.” What I’m saying is, I guess it’s not a pretty mouth when all it does is say bad things about a guy who you put in a coma.

So, Nick and his family members commiserated with each other on the phone about him “having to do time in jail” before things got really ugly when Brooke, Hulk’s other son, threatened America with posing in Playboy.

For my younger readers who may not remember this, it got pretty tense there for a while. Like, real tense. Like, Cuban Missile Crisis tense. Rumors were flying all over the place. Brooke was the one saying “no”? Playboy approached her? Was this conclusive evidence that Heff had Alzheimer’s? What was Playboy doing, using reverse psychology? Turns out the crisis was avoided and Brooke Hogan didn’t appear naked- but there we’re definitely some white knuckle moments there- and not the good kind when you think of Playboy.

Oh and, throughout all this, Linda Hogan, Hulk’s former wife, who’s 47 and gave birth to these ‘tards, dated a 19 year old.

9) Governors

Have trouble in 2008 scheduling time with a hooker, or getting someone to return your call about a bribe you wanted to give? Could be because of one or two of these a-hole governors were just so friggin’ busy this year. In NY, a state populated by the way with a lot of people who employ hookers, the Governor used so many hookers, it was no longer tenable to let him keep his job. Too bad too, because the thing he liked SECOND most to hookers? Fighting corporate fraud.

As for Blago, holy shit every time I try and talk about how he was going to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat the highest bidder, I get mesmerized by that incredible mane. Good lord, that dude will never be bald.

8) John Edwards

Early in the presidential campaign John Edwards was a hero to many for being the only major Presidential Candidate to continually champion the cause of poverty, who knew at the time he was probably doing it because he felt that making child support payments to cover his illegitimate kid was gonna cost him a bundle.

Dude- the poor have it hard enough without the only dude who spoke up for them in the most high profile Presidential campaign getting caught fathering a love child with another woman while his wife bravely faces a terminal diagnosis of cancer. And hey, and by saying you had the affair when she was in remission, like you did, you’re not helping!

Seriously, what do you want people to say?

Person 1: Did you hear John Edwards cheated on his wife, who has been battling cancer, and MAY have had a love-child with some wacko woman who makes shitty films?

Person 2: You're kidding me, what a scumbag.

Person 1: Well, his wife was in remission at the time.

Person 2: Oh, well then all bets are off. If she was in remission, I have no problem with it.

7) The R. Kelly Jury

Jesus, what do you people need? A videotape of a guy peeing on an underage girl SHOT IN HI DEF? I’m sorry they didn’t have a lighting guy and a grip on site. This dude should be jailed for the Trapped In The Closet videos alone! Memo to juries- we’re convicting people now when there’s overwhelming evidence! This is the year OJ went to jail!

6) The People Who Gave The Following People Shows- And Yes, Even Though I’m Not Naming The “Charm School”, “Real Chance at Love”, and “Rock of Love Tour Bus”, It Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Pigs.

“Keeping Up With The Kardasians”, “Living Lohan” and “It’s Complicated” are all a part of “E”. Jeez, what was the mandate this year…

EXEC 1: We’re getting a lot of research that people want to see shows about high maintenance whores…

EXEC 2: I concur, and may I suggest, some of these shows about whores feature young girls, still unproven in the world of whoredom, teens per say?

EXEC 1: Yes, like a young girl- a sister or daughter of a whore, still in her teens- still with a theoretic chance to be a non-whore. Excellent. Yes, let’s retard the growth of children!

And if you watch these shows, or just about anything on VH1, you’re part of the problem too. You’re only encouraging them to make more of this. Remember- one man’s “guilty pleasure” TV is another’s “perpetuating racial stereotypes” TV.

At first glance a lot of these shows are even named the same. You have “Real Chance at Love” Tila Tequila’s “Shot At Love” and now the new show “Double Shot At Love”? Doesn’t matter, folks, the only thing you have a shot at with any of these shows is…say it with me…chlamydia.

By the way “Shot At Love” couldn’t even get Tila Tequila to come back, it’s like the “Highlander 3” of shitty TV shows that will give you herpes. Now it’s offering a set of twins for the fake lesbians and fake straight guys to fake compete for.

In the case of “I Love Money”, viewers are tuning in to watch former contestants from “Flavor Of Love”, “I Love New York” and “Rock Of Love” compete against each other. These are not even the winners from the 3 aforementioned shows. These are people who Flavor Flav, the “winner” from the first “Flavor of Love” someone named Tiffany Pollard, or Bret Michaels would not fuck twice. I can’t believe this show was even made- did you know Lost had to be pitched like 10 times before it got a green light?

And “Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious” may be the worst. Is it anyone’s dream to be a “Pussycat Doll”? I mean anyone who’s not already been coerced into dancing at a strip club in the Midwest? This is America- really- is that your dream to be in the Pussycat Dolls? Go back to sleep and dream again, you're not doing it right.

Don't I wish my girlfriend was hot like you? Sure, but I'll take the slightly less hot, syphilis-free girl I have right now, thank you very much.

5) Republican Scumbags

One would be remiss if they didn’t include Rudy Giuliani on ANY list of biggest douchebags, the fact that he mentions 9-11 more than and 911 operator (Hello, you’ve reached 9-1-1) is reason enough to put him here, and while I don’t want to rehash a ton of political stuff, his speech at the 2008 RNC basically dared those who make douchebag lists not to include him. Well, I’m not taking that dare, douchebag.

You can YOUTUBE it but here it is in a nutshell. This asshole, along with Mitt Romney, got up there and shat on Barack Obama, with a straight face saying that Obama “looks down his nose on small town America” because SMA is not “sophisticated enough for him”. Fine, a hacky jab at a politician is nothing new but RUDY WAS THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY! (And Romney was to Gov. of Mass.) SHITTING ON SMALL TOWN AMERICA IS PART OF OUR CITY’S CHARTER!


At least have one of the shit-kickers in the Republican Party give that speech, not this douche-god! As mayor of New York you’re supposed to start your speeches off like this…

“Yeah, some dude peed on your leg in the subway this morning, and yeah the apartment next door to was robbed at gun point, but hey, at least we’re all not living in Crawford, Nebraska. Am I right?” - Fiorello LaGuardia

Plus Rudy gets extra douchebag points for blowing the nomination. At one point, he was way up in the polls, hell, they were handing it to him, he was all ready to go too- Judith Nathan was gonna be First (Goofy Looking) Lady, and Rudy was all set to put himself on the 9-11 Dollar bill- next thing you know, he’s out of the race.

As for Rush Limbaugh, he made repeated calls to action to his listeners to hold the line and all it resulted in was a Democratic, black President. Can we stop referring to him as a force in American politics now? That goes for the people out there who are poor-man’s Rush Limbaughs of which there are a ton of. And “Barack The Magic Negro”, is not satire, its racist. For those of you who care, the LA Times reference to a “magical negro” was referencing the Hollywood phenomenon of having a black guy like Will Smith in movies like “The Legend Of Bagger Vance” or Morgan Freeman in “Driving Miss Daisy”- and it’s concurring effect on the white people in those films. Not, the fact that a black guy got elected and was seemingly unqualified. In the LA Times article- he’s magical because of his effect on a white person, not as Rush and the dude who wrote the parody would have it, “magic” because he pulled one over on white people. It’s not cool the use the term “negro” if you’re white- the last person to do it and get a laugh was the dude in Animal House and that was like 1977.

Sorry to harp on this but racism really pisses me off, especially when it’s done wrong- be original out there, racists! There are so many great reasons to hate each other- please, don’t get lazy!

4) People Who Got Rich Off The Bullshit That Was Going On In Finance, People Who Took Mortgages They Had No Business Taking and People Who Gave The Mortgage to Them AND The CEO’s of Major Companies With Their Hands Out

So here’s the deal. This is not a post about the need for regulation and all that boring shit about how greed run amuck is the cause of all our problems- I get that people saw an opportunity to make some big-time money by packaging shitty mortgages and selling them off to other people who then sold them on and on, so forth and so forth. I get that people got mortgages they normally would never have gotten because of this and I get that no one put a gun to those people’s heads to take those mortgages. I understand that people want to make money out there and so do I.

What sucks is that no one, anywhere along the line, seemed to think about what would happen when the ride was over and now we, people who didn’t get crazy rich over this, have to pay the price. So now it’s harder for me to get a mortgage, the guy who lives next door to me is gonna lose his job because people in his firm were selling bullshit and finally got called on it, and now folks are gonna not get jobs because the people who normally invest money in companies that cause the creation of jobs, are all hurtin’ for certain, because the stock market tanked.

So we all lose while a very small percentage of assholes sail away on yachts. Oh and forget about those people who had a ton of money tied up in their 401K’s, they’re all shitting their pants for the next 4 years.

Add on to this how the disgusting, corrupt pigs who represent us making it easy for Sallie Mae, credit card companies, (some of the most evil mo-fo’s on the planet) and phone companies, etc., to basically rape young people and students with their outrageous interest rates/ payment schedules. We’re eating our young- and you know what- it doesn’t taste too good because most of it is fat.

I just threw that cigarette executive picture in there because those guys suck too and I like that picture.

3) Joe The Plumber

Sorry to over-use the phrase but, wow, what a douchebag. I mean really. Are we really referring to this guy as the “average American”? Because if we are, and I’m an “average American”, I’m pretty fucking insulted. Are we saying the average American is an a-hole?

Let’s review the evolution of this ass-clown.

The guy stopped Barack Obama as he was campaigning one day and asked him a question about his small business tax policy, misrepresenting himself as

a) a potential small business owner
b) a plumber
c) a guy who’s name was “Joe”

Obama went on to earnestly respond to his question (let’s see if McCain would have spoken to someone he knew wasn’t gonna vote for him- it was all he could do to look at Joy Behar when he was on the View) and tried to explain his position. Later that week, John McCain drops his name about 1000 times at the Presidential Debate and then the rest of us are subject to this jack-ass for not only the rest of the campaign, but apparently unless he’s killed by a Hamas rocket, and those assholes can’t hit water if they fell out of a boat, for the rest of our lives!

2) Sarah Palin

Wow what can be said about this douche monger? I'll tell you one thing, there was no middle ground with this public figure- you either HATED her, or were completely ignorant.

By the way, politics aside, she should be on the list just for the names she gives her kids! Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow? But let's not give her too much crap for Piper and Tripp- after all, grandmas don’t get to name their grandkids!

I just want to make it clear that this douche-queen got a really raw deal from the media. Not at one time did they use the term “cunt” to describe her and I seriously feel she put in the effort to earn it. Wait, does “hockey mom” mean “cunt”? Let me wiki that one…nope, well I guess the media, liberal or otherwise never gives you the credit you deserve. It’s just a shame.

Oh and while we’re on the subject of the media, I have a question for them if they happen to be reading…did Sarah Palin “excite the base”? Because I’m not sure she did, you only mentioned it 16 million times. Like, whenever she came up, like whenever there was a videotape of her asking a crowd to grab pitchforks and head into town.

How bout and expose on this base who are excited by this fem-turd. They’re okay with her being VP? One heartbeat away from the Presidency? What, the people of Alaska decide they want a governor they can “F” and that’s all that has to happen for someone to hold the most powerful office in the free-world?*

* deonotes: 2nd most when Cheney steps down.

1) ….?

To be the number one douche on this list you have to “out-douche” a lot of people. This is no run of the mill DB here, you have to surpass Spencer Pratt, Heather Mills, Elizabeth Hasselbeck and even Madonna. You may ask is there a douche with those kind of powers out there? Sadly, the answer is yes.

Is it Bernie Madoff? Ha, no. He stole money from the rich (and charities) and gave to himself- he’s kind of a douchey Robin Hood.

Is it the “Pregnant Man”? Naw. He’s a douche no doubt, plus, more than that, he’s a woman. (He has ovaries and stuff- it allows him to get prego!)

Is it John McCain? No, but it could have been, he is responsible for #3, and #2 on this list but no I’m gonna go with…

George W. Bush.

Now before you tell me this is a lifetime achievement thing—like when Pacino won Best Actor for “Scent of a Woman”, you have to look at the year the guy had. I mean for a dude who had exceeded his political relevancy a long time ago, he had a very strong douche year.

Like the time when he tap-danced while waiting to “endorse” John McCain. Wow, what was going through McCain’s head then? “This guy torpedoed me in 2000 with lies and slander, then fucks the country up for 8 years straight making it impossible for me to get elected and here I am to get one photo with him, and he’s tap dancing? Balls.”

Bush is a real champ of suck. You just have to take your hat off to him. Anyone else would have coasted down the stretch. I mean, how do you top not being able to catch Bin Laden, the loss of an entire city and going to war by choice rather than necessity? How bout presiding over the Great Depression 2? And then, when you think he HAS to be finished, when he’s lost his White House for his party- does he lie down? No, goes to Iraq and gets shoes thrown at him. FUCKING SHOES! It’s amazing- it's like Ted Williams hitting a home run in his final at bat. I can't wait for the inauguration- Bush is gonna be like Detective Frank Drebin at the ceremony welcoming Queen Elizabeth in the 1st Naked Gun Movie.

Many people who support Bush point out that history in the long term may judge him differently than we expect. Well, in order for that to happen Iraq has to become a thriving democracy, the economy has to make a U-Turn and America has to regain all the respect it’s lost over the last 8 years, OR…future historians all have to become assholes.

So there you have it, 2008 in the books, 2009 already showing signs of being a banner year for suckage. Well, I’ll be here chronicling it, and it will still be free, so all your broke, or soon-to-be broke asses can read along.

What Sucks…Me! (BLOG NOTE)


Wow, what a douchebag I am to ignore this blog for the first 15 days of the year, I am sorry to all those who have stopped by to see What Sucks and to find only things that sucked from the end of last year. My bad.

Believe it or not I really was trying to get up and going again before Jan 14th, but all sorts of work crap has been popping up lately as it has been for the past two months, I know, I know you don’t come to this blog to hear me make excuses, you come here to see pictures of chubby women in high heels stepping on balloons, wait a second, that’s my OTHER blog.

BLOG NOTE, NOTE: Seriously, I don't get that kind of porn- and I “get” a lot of porn. Back to the “Blog Note”.

BLOG NOTE: So, anyway, sorry for the delay in the posting, I was gonna post date this sonnavabitch so history will show I got it out the first week of the year and all that crap but you know what, I’m gonna try honesty for a change, also, no one will care.

But on the bright side I’m back on the Suck-Watch and will not let you down. I’m gonna throw all sorts of crap up here too: things that sucks, videos done by friends of mine, recipes that suck- here’s one now, anything in the style of tradition English food- seriously, blood pudding? Oh there’s so much to be excited about!

Anyway, enjoy, or, dis-enjoy, to coin a phrase, the upcoming year and the following post.

Picture Note: I’ve been told I look like a young Alan Alda.