Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Just trying get a little bit of a handle on my readership once again, you know so I can better serve you all as your, I don’t know “blogger who tells you what sucks”. So vote where appropriately, remember, this is totally anonymous, so you can be honest and no one will ever know that you’re into feet.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I had the pleasure of working with a dude in the very funny sketch/ short video group Derrick Comedy and this past spring they made a movie. Check out the trailer here, and send it around or post it where you can. The Mystery Team! is from the guys at Derrick Comedy, who if you’ve never checked out, you should.
Suckage claimed a major victory this weekend when the Reaper took the great Paul Newman at the age of 83. Newman starred in a litany of classic films, among them Cool Hand Luke, The Sting, Hud, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Hustler, The Verdict, The Color Of Money and the great Slap Shot. I know I’m forgetting some, but that’s not a bad list of films for a guy when you’re naming them off the top of your head.
In addition to his great movie career, Paul Newman was also was responsible for huge amounts of money donated to charity through his Newman’s Own brand salad dressing, cookies, popcorn and other stuff.
Finally, he also managed to stay married for over 50 years to the same women, no small feat when you consider he was one of the best looking dudes to ever walk the face of the earth and probably had more women throwing themselves at him than even me.
Simply put, with his passing, the world is less classy today. And to make up for it, we’re all gonna have to step it up class-wise. Good luck with that, planet Earth.
Paul Newman, RIP.
Friday, September 26, 2008
…The Mets Bullpen
These guys have blown more leads than the cops investigating the Jon Benet case. Jerry Manuel must look forward to calling his ex-wife more than he does the friggin bullpen. You’d think that the fact that hitters in general, fail over 70 percent of the time would at least be worth a couple of saves to these losers.
NOTE: This joke is dedicated to the great sound man Josh at Manhattan Place Entertainment, he loves the Mets, and they are killing him.)
Imagine how bad she would have done in these Katie Couric interviews if she DIDN’T have all those years of experience as a hockey mom. I’d write more but I’m heading up to Alaska with a torch and pitchfork.
Lying in a hole in the ground, standing on top of a pole, sitting on ice, hanging out in a box and now hanging upside down. These are only tricks if you get your cat to do them! The real magic will be finding a new mundane activity to try and pass off as a trick!
Kicking off the season with a 2 hour premiere? Come on, can’t you at least ease those of us who have to watch this show because of our wives into it a little easier? And what’s the mantra for this season, make everyone on the show LESS likable? If so, you’re off to a quick start!
With the Federal Government seizing, then selling Washington Mutual, financial analysts throughout the country are ready to upgrade “old mattresses” over banks in general as places to keep your money.
The announcement is set to come this weekend, after the analysts in question remove all their money from banks. “Right now, the market is showing us that an old mattress can offer consumers more piece of mind, and possibly better CD rates than a bank.” said one economist.
Speculation is that the announcement will only set the stage for one next week where “old shoe boxes” will pass banks as well.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Really? Clay Aiken’s gay? Wow. You sure? Holy cow. Take a bow People, can’t wait for your exposé next week on the sky being blue- oh wait, here’s an advanced copy!
Wow, well done- such in depth reporting. Amazing- oh wait- didn't you win the Pulizer for this?
And wow- this follow up- amazing.
Well, okay People Magazine, keep me posted. I can't wait for the next issue that tells me something I friggin know.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Some good friends of mine, and some SUPER talented animators I know threw this together and today it's on Youtube's front page- so check this out and click on it a bunch. It's called "On The Bubble". Leave a comment too if you like- but don't be racist or pervy.
Well, at least don't be racist, I know a lot of you can't control the monster.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I mean, the secret’s out, right? We know that rubbing alcohol, which burns when it’s put on a cut, is no longer necessary- and hasn’t been necessary probably since the early days of the 20th century- to use when trying to clean a scraped knee. Yet moms across the nation, including my own, have been keeping the vicious people who run the Isopropyl alcohol industry in business for years. It has to stop.
Look, it’s been a while since this has personally affected me, but still, it has to be said- that shit (rubbing alcohol) burns! And blowing on it when its on your open wound doesn’t help. Why not juice pour orange juice on my cut too so you can have a screwdriver? Rub in some salt- jam a celery stick in there and make it a Bloody Mary. Better yet, why don’t you just sit me down mom, and slice open my other knee.
We have Peroxide, and Neosporin, and even good old fashion soap and water to clean cuts. Rubbing alcohol is just some passive aggressive way of getting back at kids for all the marriages they ruin and the divorces they cause!
Children of the world, unite! Speak out against cleaning your scraped knees with rubbing alcohol! Having a scraped knee is painful enough, we don’t have to make it burn!
The time to take back the experience of scraping our knees, and send a message to the sadistic moms who use rubbing alcohol to clean them!
Monday, September 22, 2008
As we close down Yankee Stadium a lot has been made of the greats of the game, let What Sucks be the one to make a lot of the sucks of the game. Dale Berra, the shittiest baseball player to ever play in Yankee Stadium. (Reprinted from “The Nosebleeds”)
Let’s see, your dad was a gunner’s mate in the D-Day invasion in WWII and then after saving Europe, he returned home to embark on a baseball career that would see him go to 14 World Series, 15 All-Star games, and win 3 MVP’s. Oh yeah, he also took both the Mets and the Yankees to the World Series as a manager before going into the Hall of Fame in 1972.
In addition to this, he invented “Yogi-isms”, an endearing way of putting things- (“90 percent of the game is mental, the other half is physical”) which made him beloved and a national icon.
You, on the other hand, were an early to mid-80’s middle infielder for the Pirates and Yankees who is famous for being fined 10% of his salary for admitting to using cocaine on and off from 1979 to 1984. You also, after being traded to Yanks where your dad was the manager, were fined for public urination and resisting arrest.
And if that wasn't enough, later that year you were the 2nd of two players to be thrown out at home plate in the same play. And, as you can see, you had a cheesedick mustache.
Behold, Dale Berra, the worst Yankee, worst baseball son of all time.
Not since Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker has there been a wider gap between the accomplishments and legacies of a father and a son. Well, maybe Tom and Colin Hanks.
Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, sometimes the apple gets on a plane and travels 3000 miles to a bus which drives for 2 days to a boat which sails across the Ocean and docks next to a rocket ship which launches into space and travels to the far reaches of the galaxy.
Hall of Fame, Hall of Fame Douchebag.
A Mecca of non-suckiness closed last night.
Yankee Stadium, a place where 26 championship banners hang, where Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford and Yogi Berra played, shut it’s doors for good last night after 85 years of greatness.
It’s too depressing to think that this incredible stadium has to be shut down- that there is no way to save it- so, as a public service, and to make everyone feel better, to make it less painful, let’s remember Yankee Stadium this way…
Yankee Stadium, home of such players as Larry Milbourne, Mel Hall and Andy Hawkins, the only man to ever pitch a no-hitter and lose 4 to nothing, is shutting its doors after 85 years of suckiness.
The Stadium, the place where Kevin Brown and Javier Vasquez allowed the Red Sox to win game 7 of the 2004 championship series something like 11 to nothing, the place where legends such as Roy Smalley, Dave LaPoint and Wayne Tolleson roamed freely, will be demolished next year.
To commemorate the occasion, Major League baseball released this all-time lineup, (at least in my lifetime) of Yankees who suck:
1B: Kevin Maas
2B: Enrique Wilson
SS: Bobby Meacham
3B: Dale Berra
LF: Mel Hall
CF: Jerry Mumphrey
RF: Oscar Azocar
C: Chad Moller/ Matt Nokes
DH: Ken Phelps
SP: Carl Pavano
SP: Ed Whitson
SP: Kevin Brown
SP: Randy Johnson
SP: Melido Perez
RP: Steve Howe (Dead)
What Sucks Flash Trivia Question:
Yogi Berra, is the greatest living Yankee, who is the worst living Yankee Stadium?
Answer in next post.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
If major investment banks were in Glengarry Glen Ross, they’d be pounding coffee and driving around in Cadillacs. Why, my friends? Because they are…closing. Commercial banks are right behind them by the way, not to panic or anything but WAMU’s current stock price is 2 bucks. Today I bought a large iced tea at Dunkin Donuts for $2.50. Large iced teas are more valuable than the stock of my bank.
Passive aggressively firing their manager last year who got them to the playoffs for 13 straight years, because he wasn’t getting far enough in the playoffs only to be “clinging” to 3rd place this year with Sidney Ponson starting games in September. Nice job, doucheburgers.
It takes the women of the View to get in McCain’s old face and ask him tough questions before the "media" grows a pair and does the same. How sad. Now if we can only get him on The Golden Girls, maybe we can find out how long he actually thinks we’ll be in Iraq.
Not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is even though it’s the reason her son is going to Iraq + a 17 year old daughter getting knocked up does not equal "small town mom" it equals crappy parent. And 5 kids? Come on, is “Drill, baby, drill!” a call for more oil exploration or the motto of her husband. Hey dude, use a condom! Do we really want to put ourselves in a position where this country could have her as a President? I don't want to live out a real life "King Ralph".
He’s on the ballot again all over the country and in Florida. At this point he’s beyond ruining his legacy as a crusader for consumer rights, he’s moving dangerously close to ruining his legacy as an just an ordinary A-hole.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Warning graphic video, so don’t read today’s blog entry with a small child, unless you’re teaching that small child that wolves are evil.
Over the top ad above aside, do we seriously need to kill wolves from planes? Come on, how outdoorsmanish is that? Kind of a pussy move, right? I mean unless Wolves can also get in a machine and fly, I’m thinking get down on the ground with your powerful rifle and it’s extremely accurate scope, and shoot the thing like a man. I’m not trying to be anti-gun here, after all I have two of them myself (right arm, left arm). But I don’t get the planes. Why not just bomb Wolf enclaves?
Again, I’m not anti-hunting, I get it- as a matter of fact I went hunting last night (poontang) and although I didn’t get anything- I did get the scent and I WAS on the trail.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Happy 2nd anniversary to WhatSucksBlog.com and thank all of you for joining in our, small, fun community.
I started this thing on an everyday basis on 9/11 2006, and now two years later, I still get to rail about how George W. Bush has allowed Osama Bin Laden to live to see all three Spiderman movies, 7 years after 9/11. (I understand people in the know say OBL is currently living on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where he is busy “adding aps” to his iPhone.)
Anyway, in the past two years I’ve thrown up about 650 posts about things that suck and it would seem I haven’t even made a dent in the vast multitude of sucking. But we have gone from 3 or 4 readers to over a thousand for a little while, and now to about 550 or so a day pretty consistently- so thank you for that. Also, we’ve seen WhatSucksBlog go onto TV, on The Fuse’s late great show “The Sauce”, so thanks to visionary producer and all around cool dude, Joel S. (buy the movie he wrote). and everyone over at Fuse for that.
Mostly, thanks to everyone who pops by, or links me to their blog, or who leaves a comment that is not creepy. I appreciate it and take seriously the opportunity to tell you about things that suck.
What does the future hold? Well, it’s hard to say- there could be surprises, and a big announcement coming- also there could be interviews and perhaps some video- oh yeah, and I may actually set up a real website, instead of using Blogger for free, like a lazy ass.
650 posts, and the only thing people really seemed to disagree with me about was Queen’s Greatest Hits. (Got some nasty comments on that one.) Overall though, not too shabby a batting average.
So, to recap, thanks so much for stopping by, whether you come here everyday, or are just googling the term “Fluffer”- I hope you continue to stop by and join in fighting the good fight against suck.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hey A-holes, let’s not kid ourselves, by now this guy is living in a home. Caveman didn’t stay in caves after 7 years- they went out, tested the area to see if it was safe, and then built or moved into homes.
It’s been 2,555 days since 9/11/2001 and Osama still lives free. It’s embarrassing to think the guy has not only seen Eric Bana play Bruce Banner in the Hulk, but he’s also lived long enough to see Edward Norton take a shot at the roll too. (To be said in a thick, offensive, stereotypical Middle Eastern accent: “I got what they were trying to do with the first film, but I’m glad they went the different direction with the second. Norton was good.”)
As usual for this time of the year, no one is talking about it- not even that country hating jack-ass Keith Oberman. Fine, I guess its unrealistic to think the fact that this guy is still out there after 7 years would be a big story, but at least let us not kid ourselves into thinking “yeah, well he may not be dead, but he’s not comfortable.” Let me tell you something, I lived in Weehawken for 2 years- yeah, it blew, but after a few months, I made it comfortable.
Every year I have to write this post and to be honest, its a drag. I mean, Jesus, by this time, he could have had 72 virgins on his own. Let’s hope next year we get some good news, like, you know, we find out that instead of an in-ground pool, he has to make do with an above ground one.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
So after 14 months of running on “experience”, you’re now gonna try to run on “change”? You, who have been in Washington for 26 years, part of the Republican Party that’s had the White House for the last 8, that has sat around while our country has circled the toilet, are now gonna tell people with a straight face, to vote for you, for change? Even though you’ve voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time- even after he personally smeared you when you first ran for President in 2000- your message is that you can “bring real change” to Washington- where you’ve been for 26 years? Add to this, your opponent- a young, fresh faced, extremely accomplished African American Senator who’s campaign slogan has been “Change You Can Believe In” has been running his campaign on change for the past 15 months. Balls. Huge ones.
I have now seen 3 different YouTube clips where you’re speaking and supporting the infamous Alaskan “Bridge To Nowhere”. Yet you continue to be pitched as a reformer who said “no” to the project. The only thing you are reforming are the expectations we have as to how many kids a Governor can pop out. You rip Barack Obama for proposing a tax on windfall profits of oil companies, yet your state makes all of its money charging a tax on the oil that is drilled in Alaska. Finally, no one knows who the fuck you are- except that you like your kids to play hockey and were the mayor of a town with 6000 people in it before you were governor for 15 months, and you freak out and accuse people of misogyny when they want to ask you questions. Balls. Large, shiny ones.
…The McCain Campaign
You release this ad, which not only refers to articles that were in reality more anti-McCain than Obama, it also claims at the end, that Obama wanted to give Sex Ed to Kindergartners when in reality, the proposed law was designed to educate children to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching. Also, parents of said kids could opt out of the class if they chose to and oh yeah finally, ah, Obama didn’t write it. Grapes.
…The White House
The White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino said yesterday that the US doesn’t have “Super powers” to catch Bin Laden, adding this “isn’t a movie”. Really- after 7 years and two wars, you “don’t have super powers” and “this isn’t a movie” becomes an acceptable way to answer the question as to “why don’t you have Bin Laden yet?” Gigantic, pumpkin sized balls.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
A member of the sad fraternity of airlines that suck.
7 bucks for blankets and pillows? Really? I know airlines are getting squeezed at the pump because of gas prices but why don’t they just come out and charge us for THAT- I mean, I know they are, but why all the passive aggressiveness with charging us for other things- it’s like we’re being punished. Oh, you want to use the restroom? Did you know we have a “peeing on a plane” fee?
Look, this won’t effect me personally as when it comes pillows and blankets used by strangers on cross country flights before me, I will not pay more than 4 dollars, but for the rest of you out there it is becoming more and more clear that jetBlue sucks. As a matter of fact, here’s a little riddle for you…
What’s the difference between riding on the wing of a plane, and taking a flight on jetBlue? Answer: on the wing of the plane, you don’t get Vh1 Classic and a bag of crushed Doritos. That’s basically it. A couple of never-before seen live cuts from Fleetwood Mac, and a few snacks- all crushed- from the Dorito family. By the way jetBlue- in that Dorito variety snack bag- everything tastes like Doritos. Anything- you can put duck a l’orange in a bag with Doritos- will taste like Doritos.
10 hour delays on the tarmac and 7 bucks for blankets and pillows? jetBlue sucks. “Cheap flights and satellite TV” pretty quickly turned into “Vh1 Classic and bag of Doritos at 30 thousand feet”.
What Sucks Bonus…Blankets and Pillows On A Plane
I think it’s more of the principle of charging for blankets and pillows that’s gotten to me. It’s just that I thought they were free, I thought their “freeness” was intrinsic in that they have been used by complete and total strangers flying from all different parts of the country.
I guess I just always felt the basic construct was the airline telling you, “You’re cold? Well, we have this blanket here, but its been used by someone who for whatever reason, had to fly from Kansas City to Atlanta, though.” The idea that it was used being a key factor to it being free- otherwise it would be, “Oh, you need a pillow? I have one here that a guy who was flying from Vermont to Seattle to protest free trade, used- but I can’t give it to you unless you pay me 7 dollars.
Monday, September 08, 2008
The long running Broadway hit Rent closed its doors for good this weekend, after something like 5100 performances. G-d bless ‘em, but I could never get through that show. I’d get too caught up- I’m too practical for it.
I’d see these kids, running around the stage, singing about their problems; who’s strung out- how they can't pay their rent. I’d be in the balcony, yelling...
"Get a temp job! They're hiring down at Career Blazers!"
"All right now, you don't wanna share that needle! That's a bad idea!"
"The junkie in the blue pants should wear a condom!"
I feel bad. I ruined it for everyone. Got so bad that by intermission, this guy comes out and says "We regret to announce the second act of Rent will be canceled, due to a solution to our problems. Thanks a lot sir." Yeah, like I'm the bad guy. I'm the oppressor. Hey pal, I think you have me confused with your landlord!
All of a sudden I'm getting escorted out of the theater "Hey, HMO's aren't all bad! Stay away from credit cards- they screw you!"
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
What Sucks Presents…Things That Suck That Have Nothing To Do With Politics- A Three Part Series, Part One: Piranhas
I guess the good Lord, or should I say the “good” Lord, was making fish one day and said to Herself “Okay, just about done with all fish- oh wait, did I make the relatively small one yet, with the razor sharp teeth that attack in groups and that can strip something of its flesh in about 30 seconds? No? Okay, everybody- listen up- 2 more fish then we’ll take a break- the razor sharp teeth one, and then the little one that can swim up your dick-hole. Then- we’ll call it a day.”
Stay Tuned For Part Two: The Films Of Tony Danza!
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
The next time “One man” is forced to “rise up- above all others”, “in a world”, where “justice has no name”, it may not be as fun because the reaper today decided to take the King of All Voice Overs, Don LaFontaine at the young age of 68.
“In a world…where the Reaper is a major asshole…and decides that he has to take Don LaFontaine as well as the star of Smokey And The Bandit 1 & 2, Jerry Reed, we say…Rest In Peace.”
First off, let me say, yeah I know, more politics stuff on this blog, I’m sorry I know it’s a drag, but it is convention season and I feel like I can’t very well do a “What Sucks…Being Hit In The Balls With A Ball-Peen Hammer”, and ignore the whole thing- at least not until I say something about the conventions and the suckiness contained within them- thanks for your patience. So anyway…
Look-it, to be honest, I don’t really care- if our country is gonna elect a cranky, 72 year-old, 5-time cancer surviving, old coot, then we deserve to have his VP be a 45 year old “naughty librarian” type from Alaska. Why not? Seriously, who gives a shit? I certainly don’t. As a matter of fact, I welcome the pick- it’s been a while since we had a Vice President we could masturbate to (Mondale, admit it) and it’s high time we got back in the groove. But I DO want to point out since Sarah Palin was announced to be McCain’s running mate, it has been learned that…
…she’s under investigation for using her office to fire some dude who used to be married to her sister.
…her hubby had a DWI.
…she “hasn’t’ focused on Iraq”.
…she is closely tied to indicted Senator Ted Stevens.
…she initially supported (contrary to what John McCain said) the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere”.
...she thinks “creationism” should be taught in public schools.
…she’s a huge supporter of “abstinence only” sex education, and thusly the proud parent of a 5 month pregnant 17 year old daughter.
And it’s only been 3 days since she’s been announced!
CTU from 24 does a better job of vetting people. Jesus, I can’t wait till she’s in the public eye for one full week, and by that I mean, I can’t wait for pictures of her blowing a moose!
McCain only spoke to her twice before naming her as the VP. We all know people we’ve spoken to only twice- now think about you asking that person to be the Vice President. Ladies and gentlemen, Vice President, my Asian neighbor who I see once in a while when we happen to bring the recycling down at the same time!