Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What Sucks Democratic Convention Coverage- Dem Leaders To America: Follow Us For Our Ideas, Not Our Fashion


Dateline Denver. Hillary Clinton thrilled the party faithful tonight with a rousing speech on the importance of party unity and the need for a major change in Washington and she did it, wearing a giant orange pantsuit.

“It was like this large peach talking to us with great wisdom and a message of unity.” said one observer. “I mean, the peach put it out there- no matter what are differences are, we can’t have McCain as our President.”

Clinton’s speech, which was extremely well received, was preceded by another rousing address by Brian Schweitzer, the current governor of Montana. Schweitzer hammered John McCain as a representative of “four more years” of the Bush administration, while wearing an bolo tie leading many of the delegates in the venue to question whether or not he was going to a gig as a old-timey ragtime piano player, after the convention. The governor’s staff did not comment on the subject.

Tonight the convention continues with speeches from former President Bill Clinton and Vice Presidential Nominee Joe Biden. In light of Hillary’s speech calling for unity, many observers are interested in what Bill will have to say, and whether or not he will wear the shirt below.

Monday, August 25, 2008

What Sucks Presents…A What Sucks Douche Off



Joe Francis V. Spencer Pratt: Who is the bigger douche?

In this corner…super-duper douche bag, Joe Francis…




In the other corner, Spencer Pratt douche-deluxe Spencer Pratt...



Who’s the bigger d-bag? Vote once, vote often and if you have a special “write-in” candidate, well that’s what the comment section is for!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

What Sucks…Bush’s Ability To Look Into Souls


Hey Bush- you suck at looking into souls. AND you suck as a President. For a President who looks into the soul of other leaders to see if they’re good guys or not- you REALLY suck.

I’m simplifying this but do we need bullshit from Russia right now? Are we not under enough of a threat of Global Thermo-Nuclear War? The Georgia thing, now getting Poland to sign for our missile defense crap- we’re fucking with Russia again. Both these countries are right next to Russia- they’re not gonna just walk away from this- they’re gonna do something and more shit is gonna get complicated.

Hey Bush- go look into the soul of a cock- ride out the rest of your term- go on vacation again or something. Or how bout this- finish one of your wars before you start another one!

What Sucks…Yang Yang (The Chinese Catcher Dude)



Say what you will about the US/ China baseball game the other night where there were 7 hit batsmen, 2 big home plate collisions and a ton of bad feelings between Team USA and Team China- the Chinese player (Yang Yang) who hit the home run at the end and then ran around the bases with his hand raised high before jumping demonstrably on the plate needs to chill. Dude, you were losing 9-0 when you hit that home run. The final score was 9-1. Scoreboard.

What Sucks…The Republican Convention


Nice job booking speakers for your convention- a guy who voters didn’t want for President, the most UNpopular President in 100 years, a Vice President who’s even more unpopular than him and the guy that Vice President beat. If you need a loser that night to speak at an event, that’s NOT the GOP convention, they’re gonna be tough to find. Who’s doing the keynote, the coach of the Washington Generals? (The basketball team, not actual Generals in Washington, who are also losers.)

What Sucks...The FBI


So now it appears they may have screwed up this Anthrax thing after all, letting the guy who they ended up blaming the whole thing on, work in close proximity to the weapon he was possibly using to kill people. Please tell me the FBI doesn’t suck this bad and this case was mistakenly delivered to Female Body Inspectors, and they tried to do the best they could.

What Sucks…Chinese Olympic Cheating


In many ways, China is coming off really well in the Olympics- the city has looked great- that cube thing is insane, but in some ways they are not looking so good. It’s not good when the leading argument against your country using 12 year old gymnasts is that “Can’t be- all our 12 year olds are in factories working!”


China's gymnastic hopefulls for 2012!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What Sucks…Pakistan


Hey, nice country- we can install Crispin Glover as leader over there and improve on the stability. Way to move up in my “When The End Of The World Starts, It Starts From Here” pool. Vegas has you guys ranked #3 now, just below a nuclear Iran and Detroit!

Incidentally, here’s my latest rankings of “When The End Of The World Starts, It Starts From Here”, last week’s ranking is in the parenthesis.

1) Middle East: Israel Region (1)

2) Russia/ Georgia (8)

3) Pakistan (5)


4) Middle East: Iraq (2)

5) Middle East: Iran (3)

6) Middle East: Saudi Arabia (4)

7) China/ Russia Border (Unranked Last Week)

8) Russia/ Chechnya (7)

9) North Korea (6)

10) Detroit (10)

On the bubble: Ukraine, Eastern Europe in general, Haiti (voodoo shit can hit at any time), Russia/ Poland area (moving up fast), Chad (disease factor), Myanmar, Afghanistan, Venezuela, Syria, Turkey.

What Sucks…CNN: Grabbing At Shit Today, Stealing What Sucks Flash Poll Ideas



Hey CNN, back off. Not enough happening in the world today? You REALLY want to know what animal we’d eat if we had to? Like today, you HAVE to know for some reason. Yesterday the President of Pakistan resigned- today a VP candidate may be announced, but you want to run a poll, like What Sucks would run, only not as cool.

And why is this on your World page? Are you saying people in other countries eat dog, lizard or rat? Are you keeping someone in your basement and just taking a poll to see what they're most likely gonna have for dinner tonight when you get home?

Monday, August 18, 2008

What Sucks Exclusive- Who Obama's NOT Naming As His Running Mate


With the press completely a jitter with the news that Barack Obama will be naming his running mate in the morning and with the Obama campaign itself sending out notice to expect and early morning announcement, WhatSuckBlog.com has been able to confirm through various sources that Obama’s running mate will NOT be former California Representative Gary Condit.

Condit, who is chiefly associated with the investigation of the murder of Chandra Levy, a a Washington intern Condit admitted to having an affair with, has been out of politics since losing his seat in 2003, to a guy who is not associated with killing an intern.

When told that Levy’s murder remains unsolved and that Condit is not considered nor was ever named a suspect, sources at the Obama campaign said “Yeah. Well, still. Come on.”

What Sucks…Beverly Hills Chihuahua (A What Sucks Call To Action)



Countless animators worked on this CGI effect driven movie about Chihuahuas. I’m not sure of what the plot involves, watching the trailer it would appear that a number of Chihuahuas have united to say they no longer are interested in taking any shit. I could be wrong, but it looks like they are gathering behind a leader- Papi- who is bringing out in them some kind of Chihuahua Nationalism. Singing and dancing about how great they are- managing in the process to come off even gayer than they do normally- they appear to be joining forces to be heard and have their demands met, which will in all likelihood serve as a precursor to a Chihuahua massacre.

Obviously, Disney would never market a movie like that, no matter how cool THAT movie might be, so one must assume Beverly Hills Chihuahua will be a lame musical comedy aimed at your children that teaches them its okay to have a dog that weighs 3 pounds while in the process, defaming Latino culture and reinforcing Mexican stereotypes.

Clearly scores of musicians and composers (singers, etc.) contributed to the music here. Countless animators, as I have mentioned before designed this art- working on powerful computers that cost a lot of money. Someone wrote a script or at least an outline of a script that they are all working off- all of this energy expended plus money to market this film- in a time of war…

Is it really that inconvenient for your kid to read a book? Is your kid really that annoying that you need to take him or her to this film so you can get away from them- occupy them for the hour and a half that it runs? If so, why are you raising such an asshole?

Let’s use this as an opportunity to improve our communities. Look at it this way- it costs 7 bucks for a kid to go to this movie, and 11 bucks (probably) for an adult. This film if you have the average American family of 2.5 kids, is looking to cost you about 27 dollars before popcorn to see it.

Take a stand. Don’t do it.

Go out into your neighborhood. Find that retired teacher who still lives in the area- the one who got into teaching when public schools were decent and not as f’d up as they are now. The one who stayed around as a teacher when the schools got screwed up because she wanted to make a difference and because she still had some years to do before she could retire.

Find her. Take her to the library- and each one of you parents, give her 5 of the 27 dollars you would normally give to Disney, and have her read from a book, to your kids. First time out, I’ll suggest “Strega Nona” by Tomie dePaola. Kids will like it- its about a town that gets flooded with spaghetti.

You get 20 kids in your hood, you’ve just taught them about libraries- you just gave the retired teacher 100 bucks and you just saved yourself 22 dollars before popcorn- which by the way, is bad for you. A win, win, win.

If not, take a look at the “plot summery” line I lifted from IMDB- you may have to click on it to enlarge.



That’s right- a Chihuahua gets lost in Mexico and must find her way home- apparently Chihuahuas in Mexico, are a prideful bunch who sing and dance. No wonder Mexicans are trying to come into this country.

Friday, August 15, 2008

What Sucks Named Secondary Obama Smear Site


A few weeks ago the Obama campaign announced they would be launching a website devoted entirely to decoding, disproving and handling the various smears put out against Barack Obama by various right wing groups during this presidential campaign.

In the past such smears have included scurrilous rumors that Barack Obama was a Muslim, that his wife Michelle had angrily used the phrase “whitey” in a speech once and perhaps most damaging, Obama is actually the guy Alanis Morriesette was talking about in the song “You Oughta Know”. (Not true.)

Now with the release of “Obama Nation” (get it? Sounds like “abomination”, like the movie Alien Nation sounded like “alienation”), by noted scumbag Jerome Corsi- who’s other books include “Unfit For Command” (the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth thing) and “15 Meals in 15 Minutes: Get Your Tummy Flat The Conservative Way”, the Obama campaign’s “Fight The Smears” site has gotten a little overwhelmed and has asked WhatSucksBlog.com to help out a little and pick up some of the slack.

So, we’re proud to announce we’ve been given out 1st Obama smear to debunk. So here goes…

Obama is not Irish!

You may have seen far right wing groups, in an attempt to turn off some voters (understandably), writing his name like this…



...O’Bama- hinting that the man is, gasp, Irish. He is not. As a matter of fact, when I contacted the Obama campaign they told me they deplored this fear-mongering, low-road tactics and instructed me to set the record straight and to “Tell them anything- tell them I’m Muslim, anything but Irish.”

Obama. Not O’Bama and not Irish.

What Sucks Flash Poll Results: Apparently You Want Me To Believe You Don’t Have Open Sores!


Whatever. I guess a very small percentage of you have open sores. I’m sure you’re all perfect specimens of human beings. At press time, (with an hour left to respond) 37 of you have responded and the overwhelming majority of you claim not to have open sores. I’m not gonna come out and say you’re lying, but I don’t think 80 percent of the people in your office are without open sores. But okay, what can I do- I accept the results.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

What Sucks...Earnest Borgnine



Thanks for the mental picture!

What Sucks Flash Poll Surveys Readers: Do You Have An Open Sore?


In an effort to better serve readers of WhatSucksBlog.com, What Sucks is surveying them, anonymously, to see if they currently have open sores, and if they do, do they itch.

“You can never know too much about your audience,” said blog author Chris DeLuca, he himself the owner of various sores “it’s all in an effort to serve them better.”

Vote once, vote often- and feel free to discuss, non-racistly- in the comment section.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What Sucks…Spain’s Basketball Team


Come on! What is this an ad for? Racism? Offensiveness? Peeing-in-coke prevention?! (I’M KIDDING!)

Spain’s National Basketball team was WAY out of line in posing for this picture (used for an ad in Spain, apparently for a courier- “Unsubtle Couriers” is my guess- When it absolutely has to be there overnight, and you have no time for any nuance.)

I can only imagine what this ad would be like if the Olympics were in Ireland. Although, just so you know the courier in question, Seur, remain the absolute best company to use if you have to transport white hoods or bricks for throwing through windows overnight.

What Sucks…Mirrors!


Mirrors! Oh my god- help me- I’m scared shitless! Mirrors!!!

Mirrors!!!!!

When I saw the preview for this like most of you, I thought "Shit, Hollywood has finally run out of original ideas that don't involve putting Dane Cook in film." Then I found out Mirrors is a re-make of a Korean film, so turns out Hollywood has only run out of ideas for recycling other, already done ideas.

By the way, you really want to be scared Hollywood, whoever green-lit this thing, should take a look in the mirror! Yes, hey new Siskel and Ebert guys- I’m available! How’s this one for you- whoever green-lit this thing is looking at 7 years bad luck! Or this- things in shown this movie are suckier than they appear! All right, I can’t keep giving this stuff away.

By the way, my favorite part of the trailer is when Kiefer Sutherland yells at a mirror, then touches it, and the mirror cracks, causing him to yell. It’s one of the few times in the preview he’s not whispering by the way. What happened to that guy, he’s like the new Danny Glover! (I had to watch the last two Lethal Weapon films with the friggin closed captioning on to even know he has any dialogue. I hated reading that he was too old for that shit by the way, it really took the dramatic sting out of it.)

Incidentally, I should say I have never seen the original Korean film it is based on- however I have no doubt its scary. I’m sure it involves a part where a dude looks into a mirror and sees an Asian person staring back and I challenge anyone not to be scared of that crap-

“Whoa! I’m not Asian! What the hell!?!!! (RAISING FIST) Mirrors!!!”

Kidding!

On a personal note, this film does well it’s nothing but good news for my recent screenplay “Tweezers!” I got the idea when my wife left our medicine cabinet open. It’s really gonna be great. When I get home, I’m gonna demand she knock over her purse-

“This fall…one man will look for some change, and he’ll find it. Change, that is. Wallet.”

I’ll call you when I’m a huge screen-writing legend. I’ll have a pool party and you can come, let's just not make it a sausage fest.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What Sucks...Buy This Book



The very funny Chris Regan wrote a book and those of my readers who are into weird shit like reading (pervs!) should check it out.

Here's the amazon link for Mass Historia.

Monday, August 11, 2008

What Sucks…The Phrase “Manny (Or Anyone Else For That Matter) Being Manny”


Can we all agree the phrase “Person A” being “Person A”, as used in “Manny being Manny”, or back in the days of Ricky Henderson, “Ricky Being Ricky”, or in just about any sports context, means the person “being” the person in question, is an asshole?

Why the code? Why the passive aggressive way of not calling someone out for being a dick? Especially in sports, where I’ve heard things screamed by fans that would make a Def Comedy Jam audience blush, are we using this weird way to describe someone being a douchenut? From now on, let’s just say he’s a douchenut.

Imagine a world where the next time TO calls out his QB, or Kobe doesn’t take a shot because he’s not the first option in a particular sequence, or when Manny doesn’t run out a ground ball, you hear, “Oh, that’s just a case of Manny, TO or Kobe being a huge douche.”

Much better, huh?

And by the way- if you’re a guy who’s been referred to as someone “being” someone, in a smaller setting- like an office or a summer house share, it’s not a colorful way to describe you. The phrase is never employed to describe something cool (Oh, she donated money to the poor, that’s just Mother Theresa being Mother Theresa…) it’s a pseudo-polite way to call you a dick.

What Sucks…John Edwards


Not helping.

Also not helping, his mea culpa containing the phrase “I have been stripped bare.” Yeah, no shit.

What Sucks…The Reaper


Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef on South Park, and the singer of bad-ass tunes you make babies to, died yesterday at the age of 65.

I don’t get it, the reaper lets Dick Cheney slip through his fingers 5 times (at least), Mario Lopez is allowed to live to at least 34 (and counting) but this weekend we’re not allowed to have Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes? Damn you reaper.

On a personal note, I’m pretty sure while I was working at NBC (page), I witnessed Isaac Hayes race Conan O’Brien around the 7th floor of 30 Rock on a dog sled. There’s no clip on YouTube of it, so part of me thinks I imagined the whole thing, but another part of me feels I didn’t, and it was pretty cool.

Issac Hayes, RIP.

What Sucks…The Reaper



The reaper, the sick bastard that he is, seems to be on a great comic kick lately- relax Dane Cook, you’re safe.

Bernie Mac, the star of the underrated Bernie Mac Show, a few flicks including the great Bad Santa, and about a zillion stand up performances all over the country where he would just flat out dominate and destroy sadly passed over the weekend at the WAY too young age of 50.

Bernie Mac, RIP.

Friday, August 08, 2008

What Sucks Presents…Embarrassing Google Searches!



Before you leave for the weekend make sure you close your browsers down- you don’t want to go away for 2 days and have these babies on your desktops!



Everything ever done by Glen Frey? Good luck explaining this one on Monday!



Oh good Lord, you think it makes it okay that you're excluding small dogs? And it's one thing to google something horrific...



...but get the spelling right so you don't make the people of google do your dirty work!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Detroit, Rush Limbaugh, Cannibal/ Head Chopping Off Bus Riders, Exxon, Anthrax Guy Who Killed Himself


…Detroit

Say what you will about the Earth’s shitholes (Newark, East St. Louis, that area outside of Rio where City of God took place) at least their sitting mayors are not in jail. If the weather were nicer, San Andreas could sue the entire city for copyright infringement.




…Rush Limbaugh Buying the Rams

You think the Rams’ offense is conservative now, wait till this guy takes over and instead of running on 3rd and long, they’ll come out against gay marriage! (Author stands and bows. Thank you, thank you all so very much.)




…People Who Decapitate And Eat The People Next To Them On The Bus


By the way, this has only made long distance travel on a bus SLIGHTLY worse than it is normally- was the guy who lost his head sitting near the bathroom? If so, NO ONE deserves that.



…Exxon

I know its fashionable to dump on these guys for making record profits as the rest of us get butt-raped at the pump but come on, aren’t they just trying to put food on their tables...that are made of solid gold and elephant tusks?



…Anthrax Guy Who Killed Himself

What a bastard- and don’t think I missed his final F-you to us- leaving a suicide note- who’s gonna open it?! Also, why he go to all the trouble to OD on various drugs when he could have just dropped himself a self addressed stamped envelope?

What Sucks…Brett Favre- UPDATED 8/7/08




Its gotta suck to be Aaron Rodgers. I don’t like to count people out before they get a real shot, but honestly- this guy will never measure up to Brett Favre as a QB…who’s passive aggressive.

Hey may throw for 500 touchdowns, but will he get all pissy on you after he realizes your organization is moving on subsequent to the 40th time he’s told you that he’s retiring? There’s just no way to tell.

What a soap opera. Here, read this in the voice of Brett Favre- if you don’t know his voice, just do the very high pitched/ breathy thing you do when you’re mocking your roommate or wife behind their back-

“I’m retiring… wait I’m gonna text you and tell you I want to come back…but I’m only coming in as the starter…I have to compete for the job? Release me then, I’ll go to the Bears, THEY love me…you don’t want to release me? Fine, I’ll come in and compete for the job…no, NOTHING’S wrong, I’m just going home on the day camp opens…you know what? Forget it, this isn’t going to work out- there’s too much that has happened!”

Jesus, Green Bay fans are used to dealing with this behavior from their wives!

Best thing to do, is have both the Packers and #4 go their separate ways, sure it’ll seem weird seeing Favre throw into triple coverage in another uniform, but eventually we’ll get used to it, and if not, well, we’ll always have those great memories of Favre throwing into triple coverage as a Packer.


UPDATED: PACKERS TURN OUT TO BE MORE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THAN EVEN THE GREAT FAVRE!

The Green Bay Packers have the last laugh on Packer legend Brett Favre, sending a message that reads loud and clear to him and the entire NFL- don’t mess with us, or we’ll trade your ass to the Jets!

Reaction from players was quick said one player who wished to remain anonymous, mostly out of fear “Wow, I know the Pack was uncomfortable with Brett going public with how he wanted to come back, but the Jets? I mean egomaniac or not, the guy gave the best years of his life to the team. Damn, that’s cold.”

The Packers announced the trade late last night that they’ve sent Brett Favre to the Jets for something like a a 4th round pick. The team said it looks forward resuming camp and is confident there will be no more problems with anyone.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

What Sucks…Brett Favre



Its gotta suck to be Aaron Rodgers. I don’t like to count people out before they get a real shot, but honestly- this guy will never measure up to Brett Favre as a QB…who’s passive aggressive.

Hey may throw for 500 touchdowns, but will he get all pissy on you after he realizes your organization is moving on subsequent to the 40th time he’s told you that he’s retiring? There’s just no way to tell.

What a soap opera. Here, read this in the voice of Brett Favre- if you don’t know his voice, just do the very high pitched/ breathy thing you do when you’re mocking your roommate or wife behind their back-

“I’m retiring… wait I’m gonna text you and tell you I want to come back…but I’m only coming in as the starter…I have to compete for the job? Release me then, I’ll go to the Bears, THEY love me…you don’t want to release me? Fine, I’ll come in and compete for the job…no, NOTHING’S wrong, I’m just going home on the day camp opens…you know what? Forget it, this isn’t going to work out- there’s too much that has happened!”

Jesus, Green Bay fans are used to dealing with this behavior from their wives!

Best thing to do, is have both the Packers and #4 go their separate ways, sure it’ll seem weird seeing Favre throw into triple coverage in another uniform, but eventually we’ll get used to it, and if not, well, we’ll always have those great memories of Favre throwing into triple coverage as a Packer.

What Sucks…John McCain



Your campaign has at this point has now caused me to see Paris Hilton TWO additional times than I ever asked for or wanted to. Additionally, in one of those times, you are being pw3nd by her. She one of the worst people on the face of the Earth and you’re making her a sympathetic figure.

Who is running your campaign- the committee to NOT elect John McCain? What are you doing with these ads on the net? Trying to “go viral”? Your demographic is frightened by computers! Stop being so petty in your ads whining about who’s a celebrity- if you’re gonna win this thing its because voters choose you as the person they most want to have an Ensure with- and no one wants to drink Ensure, with a grumpy old coot.

By the way, nice job trying to convince me Obama is the Anti-Christ with your other ad. I already know its Celine Dion.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

What Sucks…Miley Cyrus


Hey Billy Ray Cyrus, can you ah, maybe pull your daughter aside for five minutes and tell her to chill out? I know she probably doesn’t listen to you, because she’s at that age when teens don’t listen to their parents, AND you’re, well, Billy Ray Cyrus, but still- there has to be a way you can take away her Sidekick before Google News makes us all an accessory to a crime. This chick has taken more “racy” photos than Jeff Gordon’s 6 year-old nephew after his mom let him play with her digital camera.

Ahem, when he was visiting with Jeff Gordon. At the Daytona 500.

This chick has released more “racy” photos than Jimmie Johnson’s NASCAR publicist?

...more "racy" photos than the official Klan photographer at a career retrospective?

No? Nothing? Fine.

And no, pervs, I’m not putting the pictures in question up here, you can hit them up on some other blog written by some dude who’s not afraid of going to the slammer. I wouldn’t last a minute in there. Mostly because I use the phrase “The Slammer”. Besides, my connections within the Latin Kings aren’t as strong as they used to be and I’d need them backing me up should I go “inside”. The Aryan Nation is not an option for me- I'll get shanked the second they see the giant “Urkel” tattoo on my back. There's no way to hide it and those guys are always taking their shirts off when they hang out.

Back to Hannah Montana- a young woman her age in Hollywood should be busy doing drugs right now- showing her privates on the internet is supposed to come years later. What, is she a “Lohan-savant”? She needs to chill. She hosted the Teen Choice Awards the other day- is she looking to host the “Jailbait Awards” as well? (Coming to Spike in the fall- I'm writing for it!)

I know many will think I’m being alarmist but if you made a flip book of every picture that’s come out over the past few months, it would be a remake of “The Crush”.

Billy Ray is not doing his job- it concerns me that the phrase “Miley, we should talk about the photos you’ve been taking lately.” Is vastly less overheard in the Cyrus household than “Hey, what’s Chris Hansen doing in the kitchen?”

Monday, August 04, 2008

What Sucks…Ear Hair


Apparently G-d thinks it’s too easy to get laid for men 33-58.

Seriously, Lord, if that is your real name, thanks for the ear hair. Thanks for allowing hair to grow on and out of an ear.

Oh, don’t worry- it doesn’t effect hearing at all- one can still hear the screams of terror of anyone who happens to look an “ear-hair victim” in profile.

Reason #10 Zillion that religion is full of poo-poo: the dueling concepts that G-d is a Divine Mystery of Perfection, and that man, whom He created in His image, has ear hair.

So either the Big Guy upstairs is NOT perfect, or he is, and looks like your Uncle Frank who in turn, looks perfect. Something to think about the next time your asked to fork over a few bucks for the collection at your local parish- you’re giving money to someone who looks like your Uncle Frank. Might as well just give the coin to Uncle Frank, he probably needs to buy some smokes.

In the meantime, press G-d for an answer on why ear hair exists and you won’t get one. It can’t be “ear warmth”, there’s far too little hair on the average ear for that. Was it an insurance policy against runaway self-esteem in men as they age? Perhaps. Either way, thanks G-d for the ear hair, seriously we appreciate it.

And thanks for only giving us this as a weapon against it.


Thanks God.

Friday, August 01, 2008

What Sucks Presents…Nip Slips We Don’t Want To See!


Whoever is in the range of my voice please do what you can to make sure the following women wear bras, do not wear low-cut, lose fitting tops and are very careful when they bend over.



Barbara Bush!

Keep those covered up George-H.-W.-Bush's-involvement-in-Iran-Contra style. No one wants to see this- if you have to, throw another layer of pearls around that neck- make her look like Mr. T if you have to!




Charlotte Rae!

Keep Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life bra’d and turtle necked at all times!



The “This house is clean...” lady from Poltergeist!

Forget about the light, don’t go into that neckline!

Think I'm over-reacting? I guess you want THIS to happen again!



Ugh. Jessica Fletcher, there's a body in the back alley and I just threw up in my mouth.

What Sucks Flash Poll: Used Band Aid Running Away With It!


The recent What Sucks Flash Poll in which readers were asked to take their best guess as to what disgusting foreign substance was NOT in Taco Bell food they’ve ordered during the course of their lifetime, is showing far and away that most readers do not believe they have eaten a used band aid.

It’s the most lopsided victory in the history of What Sucks Flash polls as with 2 hours left, Used Band Aids have gotten 81 percent of the vote.

Other What Sucks Flash Polls have been much closer scenarios with readers coming down to the wire to decide which semi-famous guy named “Gary” has left the most important legacy should he die un-expectantly and who readers would least like to eat body sushi off of (Hillary Clinton beating out James Garner, by a hair.)

Clearly, the readers of this blog feel they would have remembered biting into a taco or a Burrito Supreme, or a Chalupa for that matter, and pulling out a used band aid.