Wednesday, February 27, 2008
What Sucks…On “The Sauce” On Fuse, Tomorrow (2/28) 11AM Be There Or Be At Work Like A Normal Person!
Can’t get enough of the magic of “What Sucks” in its blog form? Have a cable box that goes to 4 digits? Then you can catch me, on the same show as Ashlee Simpson by the way, on Fuse’s “The Sauce” the number one rated show on Fuse, probably.
Check your local listings for what channel Fuse is- in Hoboken, it’s Channel 56, but in your town it may even be higher!
That’s “The Sauce” on Fuse, tomorrow morning 11AM. Originally airing last night at 6, but I couldn’t post in time.
Or online here- at http://fuse.tv/tv/thesauce/index.php
Check under “Saucy Bits”.
Snakes will eat your dog. In front of you. In front of your kids.
Here’s what we know about snakes.
They slither around on their bellies.
They can swim and climb trees.
They can disengage their jaws to eat things bigger than their mouths.
They have long tongues they use to smell.
Horses are scared shitless of them.
Many of them are poisonous and their bites, fatal to humans.
And now, they stalk and kill dogs.
Nice job making these things, God seriously way to fucking go. The world has enough flowers that cure diseases? Couldn’t make a rainbow that came after a snowstorm? No, let’s make a huge muscular thing with no arms or legs than can rattle, skim across a pond and eats its food whole. Way to friggin go.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The race for the Peabody or Pulitzer or Oscar or whatever the hell award you give for journalistic awesomeness is appears to be over as MSNBC today issued a stark warning against lemons, sure to rile anyone who was about to have an iced tea, diet coke or Corona. MSNBC’s warning comes after much speculation as to whether or not lemons have poop on them. Turns out, they may.
Be careful out there people, go with the lime today.
Tomorrow on MSNBC, is there chunky puke in your egg roll. Part one of a 6 part series.
Also, next week, on MSNBC, is there an ass-hair in one fifth of all empanadas made in the northeast?
Finally, one month from on Hardball with Chris Matthews, after you go home from work, is someone putting their dick in your company’s water cooler?
Monday, February 25, 2008
For the longest time I have wondered why magazines like People, US Weekly and even Vanity Fair would lay out so much coin for the “first, exclusive” shots of some celebrity’s baby. I mean, who gives a shit? It’s a baby- they’re all over the place and they all look pretty much the same. You see them everyday- on the street, in a stroller- why the excitement? What is this, “Children of Men”? Who cares if it belongs to J. Lo, Tori Spelling or character actress Diane Weist.
Then the pictures of Christina Aguilera came out and it hit me- this isn’t about babies at all…
…it’s about boobs. People and magazines like them are just trying to capitalize on the swelled boobs of recent moms. Pervs! That’s why you never see dads on the cover of these magazines proudly posing with their newborns- I guess because their crotches don’t swell after birth, only, sadly before.
So nice try pervs at People, Us Weekly and other gossip rags pretending to bring the public the “news” on celebrity birth. At least “Juggs” and “Ready To Drop” are honest about what they are doing.
…Nader Announces Bid For White House, America Avoids Eye Contact, Looks At Shoes
At a press conference today Ralph Nader confirmed what he said on Sunday’s Meet The Press, that he will once again run for President. Nader then took questions, the first 23 of which being “You’re shitting me, right?" WhatSucksBlog has obtained this transcript of part of the press conference.
Nader: I will now take your questions…
Reporter 1: Michael Greenwood, Omaha Daily Press. Are you shitting me?
Nader: No. I am not, I believe that Americans are unhappy with the current system and…yes…
Reporter 2: Joel Steinart, The Sacramento Bee. You shitting us?
Nader: Again, ah, no.
Reporter 3: Jessica Boru, Detroit Free Press. You’re you shitting me, right?
Nader: Like I said before…
Boru: And I have a follow up- are you shitting the people?
Nader: No. No I’m not. Yes, you sir.
Reporter 4: Lyle Weldons, Tampa Reporter. Is there anyone, with this announcement, you are shitting?
Nader: (SIGHS) Next question.
Reporter 5: Claire Owens, Staten Island Advance. Are you shitting me?
Reporter 6: Steve Henderson, The Lincoln Tribune. Are you shitting me?
Reporter 7: Brian Giles, Salem Chronicle. Are you shitting me?
Reporter 8: Michael Greenwood, Omaha Daily Press. Come on, you’re shitting us.
Nader: Is that a question? No. No I’m not…
…Busey At The Oscars: Tracking A Psychopath
5:35 PM PST. In the biggest security breech since no one checked a book depository in Dallas, Busey, allowed on the red carpet at the Oscars, thinks he recognizes noted tool Ryan Seacrest from a bonfire he was hanging around or something at and yells to him.
5:37 PM PST. Seacrest, scared, immediately approaches Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner, thinking you can simply ignore an engaged Busey without having to put him down- a lesson learned the hard way by Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 1”, and by Steven Segal in “Under Siege” and by an airplane in “The Buddy Holly Story.”
5:39 PM PST. Busey, now borderline agitated moves to Linney, who he congratulates, then to Garner- where is security? Where is Affleck (F-ing Kimmel?) Where is Seacrest? Moving in slow motion, he kisses her neck- Garner, thinking that this just may it for her, sees her life flash by her eyes, and sadly, is forced to watch all of “Catch and Release” (even sped up, that sucks) before Busey is away again and Garner is forever changed.
February 25 9:44 AM PST. A day later: in the safety of his radio studio, Seacrest calls Busey, and is told the following…
“Well, what I wanted to do was when I first saw you working, I said, "Who is this guy?" And I said, "Oh God, this isn't going to work." And then you captured me. You are to me, when you're working, an innocent champion of honesty. Your heart has a way to embrace the truth in your delivery without looking like you are reading a script. Everything looks spontaneous. What spontaneity is—spontaneity comes from an invisible idea that is there before the creation began. And you have that naturally, so I just wanted to pay you a compliment. But I didn't know you were in the middle of an interview, I was just moving through there.”
Friday, February 22, 2008
:04 a fat man with a garden hose has entered talking about a plan in which he connects the gas line from his home, to his gas powered barbeque grill.
:07 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:10 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:13 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:16 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:19 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:21 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:24 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:27 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:30 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:33 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:36 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:39 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:41 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:44 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:47 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:49 I hope Jim and his friend die.
:51 They live. By all accounts, they should be dead.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sorry I couldn’t find a better clip than this one from the other night, but Jeezus- this is a VICTORY speech? (Fast forward if you can to the 1:50 mark where you can get a taste of the general tone.) What did we win, a stark warning against hope? This thing looks like it was written by John Locke from Lost. What’s the shorter version, McCain comes out and yells “Boo!”? I’m not sure but I think in the full transcript he tells the audience to "Get off his lawn!”
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
What Sucks News…ABC Announces New Dancing With the Stars Lineup, Takes Even More Liberty With Term “Stars”
ABC today announced the lineup for their most recent edition of Dancing With The Stars, a cast containing surprisingly few stars even by Dancing With The Stars standards.
Among the celebrities an outrageous amount of people will tune in to watch dance are, Penn from Penn & Teller, Adam Corolla and, I shit you not, Steve Guttenberg, star of the films Cocoon and Short Circuit (Number Five is Alive).
The show will also feature former Tennis star Monica Seles, Olympic Champion Kristi Yamaguchi and standout Miami Dolphin defensive end Jason Taylor thus continuing its tradition of booking complete losers except when it comes to athletes.
Rounding out the cast, Elvis’ ex-wife and one time 14-year old girlfriend, Priscilla Presley and Marlee Matlin, who is deaf. Presley, who is 62, told Entertainment Tonight she will not dance to Elvis songs, nor will be wearing any skimpy outfits, a statement considered very tough to take by Elvis obsessed pervs.
DWTS, which is in its 6th season, has in the past featured such stars as Joey Fatone, Drew Lachey, Laila Ali, and I’m not sure but I think, Joseph Alois Ratzinger, Tucker Carlson and Tidla Swinton.
Sources close to the production say that if this season goes as well as past ones, producers will probably do a spin off called “Dancing With Ordinary People”.
ABC announced their newest cast, in the form of something called “Dancecenter”, a Sportscenter type program they aired in the middle of Dancewar, hosted by Kenny Mayne, Lisa Rina and Jerry Rice, arguably the greatest wide receiver in NFL history, who must owe money all over town.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
“It wasn’t the bullets that killed this beast, it was beauty.”
No dude, it was the bullets and, by the way, thanks.
Look, call me “unromantic” and all but if there’s a 60-foot gorilla running around New York City throwing cars, crushing people and climbing the Empire State Building- (the freakin’ Empire State Building!) kill it. Kill it with planes, shoot at it with guns- kill the 60-foot gorilla that has taken a woman in his hands and has begun to climb one of our greatest architectural accomplishments.
G-d bless those dudes in the bi-level attack planes, they did the right thing. You think the Peter Jackson version of King Kong was too long? Well, they left out the scene where the guys in the fighter planes get a parade up the Canyon Of Heroes. Those guys saved a city from a giant, vicious gorilla.
And just to save me a future “Bad Guys In Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad” entry, you can apply all of the above to the military in “Short Circuit (Number 5 Is Alive)” and “ET”.
Yeah, I want the army called when a robot decides it knows how to love. When a robot begins to “think” for itself, that’s the perfect time to call in the big guns.
And no, I’m not buying the idea that the military was wrong in the first place to make Number 5, because technically it was the military- industrial complex that gave birth to Number 5, just like Eisenhower predicted.
Yeah, sorry for a boring, unimaginative post on something as universally reviled as congress, I mean I bet you’re like “Congress sucks? Really? No, I thought they were great. Seriously they suck? They do? No way. You sure? Congress right? Wow, (you call into the next room) honey, did you know Congress sucked? Yeah. Me too, I was totally shocked to find out. You know what, I bet getting hit in the nuts with an anvil sucks too.” To which I would have said “Jeezus! Enough with the sarcasm. I get it.”
What particularly sickens me is something that went down, I think last week, and I think it needs to be said that as much of a colossal pig George Bush is, and he is a serious pig, congress is pretty much, almost as bad and in some ways, worse.
Last week the Senate passed a bill that would grant “retroactive immunity” to the telecom companies that helped spy on Americans without a warrant. Just like that. They give a free pass the corporations who let the government, without any question, tap into your phone calls, etc. Completely just rolled over and guaranteed that no one from any corporation would ever have to be accountable for letting the government listen in on calls without a warrant.
If the world worked this way, there would not be 5 seasons of the Wire- there would be one episode. “Oh, Avon Barksdale deals drugs? Eavesdrop on him and arrest him.” Orlando from season one lives, and we never really get to know Omar.
Just a note here- I’m not bitching about whether or not warrantless wire tappings are excusable in the context of national security, this is about the congress, recently elected under the guise of holding the Bush administration and republicans in general accountable for their action, with a few exceptions, basically bending over on a major issue probably because they were either too in the pocket of corporations in the telecom industry, or they didn’t want to be confronted on national security by their opponents. Disgraceful. These are the assholes everyone worked so hard to elect so they would stand up to President Bush, now 0 for 11 in standing up to Bush on issues regarding our the war and our liberties and freedoms.
I don’t know what to say- I guess write your Senator a letter. Everyone but Chris Dodd, who was a big voice against this. And of course, if you don’t feel like writing a letter, you can cut and paste the one below into an email.
Dear Senator Douchebag,
I can’t believe what a pussy you are. Way to give retroactive immunity to the telecom companies who so readily let the government listen in on our calls. Way to basically say “no problem” to the biggest invasion of privacy by our government in our lifetimes. What to lay down every time Bush violates our freedoms or circumvents our law- and way to constantly bitch about where he took the country, while not doing a thing to stop him. To call you pussies is to insult pussies.
In closing, let me say I hope an anvil falls on your dick. Do us all a favor and go blow a badger.
Yours in Christ,
Monday, February 18, 2008
Today is President’s day, where we honor our Presidents, but let’s be honest, really the ones we’re honoring are the ones born in February, George Washington and Abe Lincoln- pretty much the only ones worth a damn. We used to have off on both of their birthdays, now they’re combined into one – it’s called “President’s Day” but let’s not shit ourselves, folks- this day is not for William McKinley. No one is toasting Calvin Coolidge and the mattress sale you are attending is not in honor of Franklin Pierce. It’s all Washington and Lincoln.
Now Washington’s accomplishments and legacies have been well documented. He was our first President, he invented the game “Scrabble”, he had wooden teeth and if he never stepped down from his Presidency, we’d have a king these days, and not a democracy, which we kind of don’t have. But, as you know, painfully little is known about Lincoln.
We do know this- he was tall, he had a beard but not a mustache and he was killed during a play, by an actor, the a-hole pictured above, John Wilkes Booth.
Nice job John Wilkes Booth, you dick. Seriously, way to buzz kill our President’s day. If it weren’t for you, we'd be drinking with Abe Lincoln, toasting his on his 199th birthday. (Actually last week.) Making matters worse, recently released photos of Booth, have caused many to believe his violent assassination of Lincoln was a product of his love of video games, further making it harder for people of our time to love and enjoy them.
F you John Wilkes Booth.
(Funny picture by the funny Luke Simmons.)
Friday, February 15, 2008
Perez Hilton may have an incredibly popular blog that has even spurned a TV show on VH1 or E! (ha, what’s the difference, right folks? Oh yeah, VH1 is racist.) But the public has only recently shown a taste for the type of humor Perez employs- a type of humor his family has been doing for years, with nowhere near the acceptance he has these days.
I guess it was the times- America was at a crossroads, people didn’t know where their next meal was coming from and they had no time for a person who wanted to mark up pictures of them with fart noises and fake man-juice.
Families needed to feed their mouths, not have them made to look like they had fake jizz coming out of them.
And even thought President Hoover was the villain of the day, people still had no time for someone who would draw fake antennae on his head- they could have taken that antennae and made their family a nice meal with it.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Way to go Hiltons, your children (Baron Hilton was arrested for DWI in Malibu the other day and may have run down a gas station attendant which is saying something in California because everything is self serve and Paris is currently starring in “The Hottie and The Nottie”) are collectively menaces to society and it’s time to call you two out for what you really are…
…horrible judges of nannies.
Seriously, did you even show up to meet the people you were going to put in charge of raising your children, or did you let one of the senior nannies handle it? Finding a nanny is one of the most important decisions a multi-millionaire mother and father can make- it is not to be taken lightly. If you make the decision to have kids, you have to take the responsibility to show up to the job interview for the nanny you eventually hire to raise them. This entire incident with Baron only serves to illustrate that you did not learn the lessons you needed to learn while hiring the nannies of Paris, and for that you should be ashamed. Seriously, there are countless families out there, many of them less well-off than the Hilton’s financially who seem to get this right.
I understand your son may have run a gas station attendant over- well that guy, if he was run over by that Porsche, has your failure as nanny-interviewers to thank. How many more people have to suffer?
Wolves and badgers are just a few of the many animals who could serve as better parents than you- with any luck you won’t have to send out a family picture next Christmas, you can just direct friends and family to their local mugshot book. Only Nikki has not been arrested- thank god being stupid is legal.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
It’s over. By the way, I stole this link from the great Boing-Boing. Put headphones on I guess, if you’re gonna watch this around your place of employment, it’s got some foul language in it, then I suppose you should tell your loved ones how important they are to you, pack a bag and move out of your home, into the woods and begin subsisting off the land and befriending bears like Grizzy Adams because society is over. We’ve come to the end of the internet. Funny, us going out like this- some little girl, calling me the n-word, telling me off, then telling me to, if I have a response, say it to her face, or her motherf-ing my space.
Well, I don’t play like that. I will respond, all day as a matter of fact, however, it will be behind her back, to my friends, and then, perhaps if I’m feeling up to it, in writing at some other time- like this.
Dear Lil J:
Hey. What up. As per your suggestion, I am writing because I have something to say. However, I am bypassing saying it to your face and hitting up your myspace. The things I have to say are as follows.
Nice shirt. I see it depicts some kind of beach. There’s an umbrella one uses at the beach along with a palm tree. I’ve had shirts like that in the past and have always enjoyed them. Yours looks to be saying something about some island, but I can’t make it out because of your hair. What island is it? You know what a cool island with a beach is? Long Beach Island off the New Jersey Shore. You should check it out. Also, I hear Block Island is nice too.
Also, shut the fuck up cause I DON’T play and I WILL drop you and then walk to jail! You think you roll hard? You don’t know shit, bitch.
Okay, thanks and again, cool shirt.
Yours In Christ,
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Nice job Reaper taking this guy out un-ironically with a quiet death in Little Rock, Arkansas when you could have had him go swimming in the ocean and die victim of a shark attack. Seriously reaper, way to go. You fucked this up twice- first killing a quality character actor once again, and secondly, not having him taken by shark.
Incidentally, Jaws has been called (by me) one of the most realistic depictions of vicious, human eating sharks to ever appear on film. The thing might as well have been a documentary.
Godspeed Roy Scheider. With him now departed, along with Robert Shaw, both not of wounds suffered in a shark fight, the Reaper is only left with Richard Dreyfuss to kill, with a shark. Don’t fuck it up, reaper.
Friday, February 08, 2008
…The Bill Frist/ James Carville Coke Commercial
I’m supposed to drink Coke now because Bill Frist drinks it? Really? Cause I was going to hold out until I saw what Rick Santorum was drinking. Let me get this right, you pay 2.7 million to put an ad on during the Super Bowl and while Pepsi is using Justin Timberlake, you take two of the most repulsive human beings on the planet, Bill Frist and James Carville, and you base an ad campaign on them? I wouldn’t have these guys advertise “douchiness”- and they’re huge douchebags.
Not looking good. Seems like the only record he has that won’t have an asterisk on it is “most consecutive denials of taking ‘roids.”
…Anyone Who Saw/Or Would See “The Hottie and the Nottie”
I was going to put “Hollywood” here, you know for the contempt they to have for audiences but I thought, why should I blame them? After people paid to see Norbit, and that Wayans brother movie where they put a midget in a diaper and then super-impose another Wayans brother’s face on that midget and everyone acts like they’re dealing with a baby, why shouldn’t “The Hottie and the Nottie” be released? It should be released in a damn festival. There is literally no reason to see this film. Paris Hilton stars in it. The “nottie” in real life is someone who wouldn’t date you in a million years. If you saw this, or actively plan to see it, clearly you’re punishing yourself for molesting a collie somewhere in your past and you need to hurt yourself to see if you could still feel.
Never have so many people voted and not said anything decisively*. Hillary won big states like NY, CA and NJ, but Obama won some states too- an example of people not being decisive in this Super Tuesday** On the Republican side, John McCain won a lot of contests, but not enough to knock Mike Huckabee or even Ron Paul completely out of the race***. And overall, the 2008 Presidential picture is not 100 percent clear****.
* denotes “except that they don’t like Mitt Romney”
** denotes other than saying they don’t like Mitt Romney.
***denotes “unlike Mitt Romney”.
**** denotes “other than the fact that Mitt Romney is totally fucked”.
…Mitt Romney Stepping Down
This has to be painful. For a guy who spent the amount of money he spent to be president, he polled at 23 percent- and folks, that’s only among his wives! Only joshing everyone, he has been married to one woman his entire life but seriously, he does believe the Garden of Eden was in Missouri.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
With just under two hours left to vote on which semi-famous guy named Gary has left the least impact on planet Earth in their lifetime, the race seems too close to call. With voting exceeding even last week’s record breaking amount on the question of “Which famous Alan as the saggiest ballsack?”, clearly this poll is going down to the wire.
As it stands now, Gary Marshall, director of Pretty Woman, The Other Sister and creator of Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley is in the lead with 11 votes- one more than Gary Berghof- the dude who played Radar on MASH. Trailing distantly behind, Gary’s Trudeau and Coleman, whom I guess people feel like will have a lasting legacy.
On an editorial note- I don’t understand Marshall being in the lead- this is about legacy, and impact- the least you could say about him is that he put a lot of people to work- Trudeau, writes a comic strip nobody gets and F’s Jane Pauley all day. Who has had more impact? Doesn’t matter though, this is about what the people think- I am just a reporter here and so far, the people believe the guy who played Radar in MASH has had less of an impact than the dude who coined the phrase “What you talking about Willis?”
Keep voting though, this ain’t over yet!
UPDATE II: Berghof wins! By one vote- the closest What Sucks Flash Poll ever! Congrats Berghof, out of three other Gary’s the people thought when you die, they’ll most likely be all like “eh” most.
In a stirring tribute to one of the greatest centers in NBA history, the Phoenix Suns, acquired Shaquille O’Neal yesterday from the Miami Heat for 1999 prices.
Shaq-Fu, who has won 4 Championships over the course of his dominant career, was in the midst of his worst NBA season, averaging somewhere around 14 points per game and barely playing for the Heat, one of the NBA’s worst teams. To get O’Neal, an old 36, the Suns gave up Shawn Marion, a 4-Time All Star who has averaged a double-double for the past 8 years, can guard just about any position, hit an open three, finish and start a fast break and who is just 30 years old.
With the Suns, who are lead by slashing, run and gun stars such as Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire, basically a running team- famous for their fast-paced offensive style, adding O’Neal- a 315 pound, 7’1 monster in the paint, makes a lot of sense- back in 1999.
“I am honored and touched by this deal,” Shaq Daddy told reporters before leaving Miami, “I feel like the NBA is saying ‘Thanks for everything you gave to the league’. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a chance to be in movies once more. Everything old is new again.”
Also honored by this deal, Knick coach and General Manager, Isiah Thomas. “Hopefully, this is the start of teams asking themselves before they make a deal ‘What would Isiah Thomas do?’, I mean besides lose a sexual harassment case. I am also truly honored.”
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Vote now, vote often as to which Gary you feel has had the least impact on our planet and your day to day life. Make sure you put some thought into this as these guys will definitely see this crap if they ever get to page 2 of their hits when they google themselves!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Heidi Montag sucks. As a singer, she sucks more but to be honest, I really don’t know all that much about her, because, let’s face it, they don’t show “The Hills” on PBS, and if its not on channel 13, I don’t watch it.
But come on, look at this piece of crap. It’s like this was shot by a rich Russian guy who was looking to make his new American girlfriend a porn star. She obviously has contempt for YOU if she thinks she can put out an album and have you buy it. So here’s the experiment- YOU’RE gonna write this “What Sucks” in the comment section. I’VE posted the video of this idiot, who can’t sing, who’s lip-synching along the beach in her front yard, after not eating for three weeks. There’s plenty of material here for you to hit up so, go nuts.
All I ask from my hardcore readers- no racism!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
Hey everyone with cable at work (7 people) check out What Sucks in its 2008 premiere in the rebroadcast of Fuse's The Sauce today at 11! I'd have told you yesterday but my beloved G4 crashed like Amy Winehouse after a six day bender where on the 7th day she flew in a Blue Angel's Air Show with her pilot Billy Joel! (You see what I'm doing there- there's a lot of crashing going on- the in flight movie is Paul Haggis' terrible "Crash" and Dave Matthews played the event live via satellite and they do "Crash".)
I'm devastated about my computer by the way, I had to bring it to the 5th Avenue Mac Store in NYC, it was like identifying a body at the morgue.