Thursday, January 31, 2008

What Sucks…Celebrity Apprentice: Why should I give a shit?



This show is just Steven Baldwin and Gene Simmons competing in a boardroom against each other and Carol Alt, right? I’m not missing anything, am I? Omarosa’s in it? Big Pussy from the Soprano’s Season 3, too? I’m not like, missing something?

Look, I’m no Trump but you want to fire somebody, you should make it the sonnvabitch who put the word “Celebrity” in the title here. For Christsakes, Tiffany Fallon’s charity is more famous than she is. If any of these people were any good in the business world- they’d actually be in the business world.

I heard that when Marilu Henner first signed up to play, the charity she offered to give to was “Marilu Henner”. Oh and check out this press release the Special Olympics came out with when they found out Nadia Comaneci was playing for them…



…not too excited to say the least. Seriously, Trace Adkins, Jennie Finch, Nely Galan? I bet Jeff Conaway fired his agent after he found out he didn't get this gig. "Celebrity Addiction? I could have been in some conference room with Trump!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

What Sucks…Rudy Giuliani


That’s it? You’re out?! Damn. 2 months ago you were going to be such a kick-ass President we were going put you on the $9-11 Dollar bill. Today, you’re out of the race. Wow. What a difference a few months and “getting to know you” makes.

I’m pissed I missed the press conference where the announcement came. What reason did Rudy give? He was leaving the race to spend less time with his family? He wanted to devote himself full-time mentioning 9-11? While you were running I was going to make a joke about Judy Nathan becoming the 1st Lady, but no one knew for sure if you’d still be married to her when you were inaugurated (he's gets married a lot).

Not to make you feel bad but, you lost to this guy.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

What Sucks News…The Florida Primary: Geezers And Shirtless White Trash Head To The Polls To Determine Rudy’s Future


In a bold move that many are calling “idiotic” and “a major fuck-up”, Rudy Giuliani has put his future in the hands of Floridian voters (people about to die and people about to get arrested), who today go to the polls in walkers, rascals and stolen cars respectively, to choose their favorite Republican candidate.

Giuliani’s gamble, that old people and drifters will rescue his bid to be President is not unprecedented. 145 years ago, Lancaster Phelps, running at the time on the Wig ticket- a party comprised solely of people wearing ridiculous wigs, not to be confused with the Whig party- a legitimate party at the time, made a similar wager and lost “big time” when he was killed by a Seminole Indian.

Giuliani is hoping his constant mentioning of 9-11 will trick seniors into thinking that 9-11 wasn’t almost 7 years ago, but rather, last week. And his multiple marriages are something he is hoping brings out the many, many divorcees who live in the areas of Florida you would never in a million years vacation at.

Monday, January 28, 2008

What Sucks…America’s Movie Goers This Weekend


Above are the 1st, 2nd and 3rd place finishers in weekend box office hauls. Now let me take a moment to dispel a few myths that may be floating around out there.

MYTH: “You Can Get Hepatitis C From Opening A Book.”

- Not true. Not even if the book is about Hep C.

MYTH: “‘Meet The Spartans’ Is Based On A Novel By John Updike.”

- Again, no. Not true at all.

MYTH: “Watching Films Like “Meet The Spartans”, “The Chipmunks” And “27 Dresses” Makes You A Better Lover.”

- There is no evidence to support this whatsoever.

MYTH: “You Can Go Blind From Watching A Movie That Has Plot, Character Development And Dialogue That Makes Sense.”

- Once again, no. No one has ever gone blind from watching a film with plot, character or sensible dialogue.

MYTH: “There Is A Special Message At The End Of Meet The Spartans’ Credits, That If You Stay And Read In The Theater, Will Give You A Really, Really Amazing Orgasm.”

- Not true . (That is “How She Move”).

Look, I know pickings are slim and I’m not telling you to go see or rent a foreign film or something but, come on- “Meet The Spartans”? Really? Have you ALL seen “There Will Be Blood” already? And I know the top three grossing films will never include “The Diving Bell And The Butterfly”- nor should they but “Meet The Spartans”? Come on America- you're a little better than that. Or maybe not. But still.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

What Sucks…Glass Joe


Worst.
Boxer.
Ever.

Am I right? Look, sometimes on this blog I have to take a tough stance. I have to say the ugly truth that no one wants to hear. Like the time I came out against the Zack Braff film “The Last Kiss” when compared to “Network”, or when I called bullshit on “The Mama’s Family DVD” or when I say this…Ronald Reagan wasn’t that cool! (Seriously, check it out- that time wasn’t as cool as you may remember it. He was kind of a shitty President.)

Anyway, this is one of those times- just look at the numbers…

1 Win
199 Losses

And that doesn’t take into consideration the countless time he was pnw3d by me- many times with him not landing a blow. This guy was and is the worst boxer of all time. Looking back, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised- he was 58 years old and from France. The question is, how’d the hell did he win one fight? Who’d he beat? “Osteogenesis Imperfecta Joe”? (Think Sam Jackson in “Unbreakable”).



You know what I’m saying? This dude couldn’t beat Mohammed Ali now! Three of his losses came against punching bags. He’s been knocked to the canvas more times than Tina Turner when Ike was on that whole portrait painting kick. (Anything? No? Okay, I’m sure all your favorite blogs will write Glass Joe jokes for you.)

Look, I don’t want my video game to be ultra challenging all the time, but they should be able to beat Abigail Breslin in a fight.

Oh and by the way, an underrated thing in Punch Out, on your way to the title, you have to beat a series of racial stereotypes. Piston Honda? Come on. Soda Popinski? That’s not supposed to be a bottle of Vodka in his hand? Who are you fooling?



Sucked as a boxer.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Amy Winehouse, Denise Richards, Fred Thompson, People Who Say “Excuse My French” When They Curse


…Amy Winehouse

Smoking crack on film? Come on Winehouse, leave a little mystery! Seriously, is there a drug this girl does that I haven’t seen her do on film? Her next video take place in a meth lab? And by the way, forget all that stuff you heard about crack-heads looking like zombies, this chick proves you can smoke crack and still look good!*

*denotes: no she doesn’t.



…The Judge Who Let Denise Richards Use Her Kids In A Reality Show


What a no-win situation. What else was on his docket, The People V. A Tree Falling Down In A Forest With No One Around To Hear It? King Solomon would excuse himself from this case. Let’s see, let these kids be put on a reality show with their mom Denise Richards, or have them go live with Charlie Sheen. Shit at least with the reality show there’ll be a filmed record of who is fucking those kids up. Any way you look at it this is a major set back for Charlie Sheen and hookers who like to be around little kids.



…Fred Thompson

That’s it? You’re out? I honestly thought I’d have more time to mock you. Come on, like after a debate I wanted to say- “People compared you to Reagan? Really? Was it late 1990’s Reagan?” That would have been a good zinger.


…People Who Use Foul Language And Then Say “Excuse my French”

Dude, if your French is so bad it sounds like “mother fucker”, I’d prefer it if you would stick to English!

What Sucks…What Sucks Flash Poll UPDATE: Under A ½ Hour Left- Greenspan Pulling Away


Voters have turned out in record What Sucks Flash Poll numbers to speculate that Alan Greenspan does, to the best of their knowledge, have the saggiest balls when compared to 3 other famous guys named “Alan”. Unofficially, in the last 2 hours, Greenspan has surged to triple the number of votes his closest competitor, Alan Alda. At this point, it would take an incredible run of people who think Alan Alda’s balls are saggy, for him to overcome Greenspan. Further, WhatSucksBlog is prepared to call it for Greenspan. The people have spoken and, apparently feel that when compared to Alans; Alda, Thicke and Arkin (a surprise 1 vote), Greenspan has the saggiest ballsack.

UPDATE II 5:58 EST: It's official- Greenspan wins!

What Sucks…With 2 Hours To Go What Sucks Flash Poll Too Close To Call!



This one looks like its going down to the wire as Greenspan and Alda battle it out as to who probably has the saggiest ballsack. Vote (the poll is to the right) and remember, if you don’t- you have no right to complain about any of those guy’s saggy balls.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

What Sucks…Golfweek Magazine


Jesus! You see this thing? This is GOLFWEEK MAGAZINE! That cover would be considered too much for Noose Monthly! What’s on the inside- “How to use your wedge to commit a hate crime”?! “Effective Putting Techniques While Wearing A Hood”?! A letter to the editor by Michael Richards as dictated by Trent Lott?

By the way, how many racists work over there for this thing to get past the guy in charge of headlines, the guy in charge of the art department, all the editors, the printing press guys, the ad sales guys, the editor-in-chief and kid on the street saying “Extra, Extra!” (I like to think 1920’s paper boys are the main source of information distribution.) Thank god this magazine deals with Golf, or black people would actually see it and be offended.

And yes, they fired the editor but something tells me they still don’t get it.


(click to enlarge)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What Sucks Presents...Things That Suck That Are Also Awesome



…Tornados

A giant whirlwind, sometimes the size of an apartment building moving at 250 miles per hour, that destroys everything in its place. Awesome. Yet, when it tosses your trailer 350 feet in the air, very sucky.




…Motley Crue
Their music is retarded, they wore a ton of make-up, their lead guitarist is a walking skeleton, their bassist was dead for about 10 minutes in the late 80’s, their lead singer killed a guy drunk driving and got ridiculous plastic surgery and their drummer is best known for steering a boat with his giant penis. Yet they rocked and knew how to put hot chicks in their videos.



…Portuguese Man O’War
A bad-ass hybrid of 4 different polyps with tentacles that on average extend 30 feet underwater and could extend to 165 feet in some cases. Strong enough to kill large fish and even a man and sometimes found in groups of 1000 or more floating in the world’s oceans- can sting you even when their dead.




…Satan
Tells G-d to shove it, gets his ass thrown out of heaven, goes on to run his own place where bad guys go to burn for eternity. In charge of demons and rock music for years. Yet, if you believe your local clergy, is constantly trying to fuck things up for man and every once in a while jumps into a little girl and makes her puke pea soup.



…Scientology
Founded by a science fiction writer who was addicted to drugs. Tells people the earth was invaded by aliens a million years ago and that these “aliens” are responsible of all the evil in the world. Takes over the careers of some of the biggest stars in Hollywood and is basically responsible for the film “Battlefield Earth”. Also, they do everything they can to discredit psychiatry because if you’re into Scientology, you need a shrink. But the sheer ability to declare themselves a religion, gain tax-free status and take over the city of Clearwater, Florida can be viewed as awesome.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

What Sucks…People Who Refuse to Mock Britney Spears


In a disturbing trend, it seems a growing number of people are now refusing to make fun of Britney Spears. The latest to contribute to this unfortunate fad being noted dick-jacket Mr. Blackwell, who, after mocking numerous Hollywood actresses- including calling anorexia survivor Mary-Kate Olson “a toothpick”- issued the following statement at the end of his 2007 Worst Dressed List.

***Britney NOTE - For those of you who were expecting to see Britney's name adorn the 2007 list, I felt that it was in appropriate at this time to make comment, when her personal life is in such upheaval. I hope 2008 is a better year for her.

WTF? Are you shitting me? I’m supposed to think you have some kind of class or are “above” mocking Britney, in this, the time of her greatest accomplishments…er, in this the time right before she dies? Bullshit. You’re just lazy. Britney is committing public travesties faster than you can keep up with her- don’t hide behind some “her personal life is in such upheaval” bullshit- in the last ten days alone she’s fucked a paparazzi guy, shown up to a custody hearing and after apparently not being able to find a parking spot- took off, possibly wrote a suicide note, began speaking with a British accent, walked around a Betsy Johnson’s in Sherman Oaks, CA naked, got a restraining order filed against her by K-Fed AND may have gotten pregnant again (although at press time, it appears that is a hoax). This of course is well after she shaved her head and beat a car with an umbrella. She is pulling out the big guns, the least you can do is show up for work.

That being said, I now pledge to each one of you 442 readers (up lately- thanks!) who stop by daily for a page view that I will never, ever take time off from mocking this walking result of sex between a train wreck, a shit storm and a pig-fuck. I will mock her today, tomorrow… all the way up to next week when she dies either on the floor of some LA Club bathroom or wrapped around some telephone pole.

As a matter of fact – to make up for the few quitters out there- here are a few Britney jokes.

…Spears missed numerous court dates, but the judge has been sympathetic, offering to move the hearing to a place easier for her to make, like next to the dick of the next dude who buys her a drink.

…Spears angrily yelled at reporters to “get the hell out of my way!” They weren’t offended however, as everyone knew it was just the “Nyquil and Red Bull” talking.

…Spears missed her last two custody hearings, however the judge seemed confident she’d make the next one, because he was going to have “Cheetos”.

...Britney’s sons are Sean Preston, age 3, and Jayden James who is almost two. I say this in case Britney has just stumbled home and is wondering who these kids are.

…Britney Spears entered rehab today, this time under court order after selling her children for a carton of cigarettes and three shots of Windex. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a joke from next week.

And if you feel the need to construct some for yourself, follow this easy exercise.

1. Take the subject of your joke – in this case “Britney”.
2. Report an action- in this case “buying pregnancy tests with her latest boyfriend- that paparazzi dude”.
3. Confront that action with a horrible, but true thing in Britney’s life.

So here you have…

“Britney and her scumbag boyfriend who’s a member of the paparazzi bought pregnancy tests this week in LA. The tests are probably for her because, well, her 16 year-old sister Jamie Lynn is already pregnant.”

See? Easy. Try again?

Subject: Britney
Action: Judge suspending her right to see her kids.
Horrible truth in Britney’s life: she’s a terrible mother.

A judge today issued an order refusing to allow Britney Spears visitation rights for her two kids. A defiant Spears called the decision “disgraceful” and “an abomination” to the person who had just taken the latest picture of her vagina.

See? There should be no reason anyone is ever at a lost for Britney jokes- make 'em now before she dies next week and they're not as funny!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What Sucks Presents...Where Are They Now?



Eva Peron- former First Lady of Argentina!

Dead!

Buried in Buenos Aires, in a heavily secured tomb (there are two trap doors so her body won’t be stolen- again!)



Vince Lombardi- legendary football coach.

Dead!

Buried in Middletown Township, NJ!



George Marshall- Nobel Prize Winner, and Secretary of State during the “Marshall Plan” to which he gave his name!

Dead- buried in Arlington National Cemetery!



Secretariat- Triple Crown winning racehorse.

Dead!

In a bottle of glue! Only kidding, he’s buried (as a whole) in Kentucky!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What Sucks...American Gladiators


Surprised people are watching? I’m not. People followed Stalin.

What I can’t believe is that this a part of a network’s response to a writer’s strike. No wonder NBC/ Universal has been so long in getting back to the negotiating table, they have to drag those pumpkin-sized balls up there every time.

TV had 15 years to improve this thing and all they added was Hulk Hogan? Look, I’m all for divorcees’ and single parents trying to make quick a 100 grand going up against ‘roided up psychos like Helga but don’t tell me because 12 million people watched this thing when it debuted it’s a break out hit. People would watch books right now if they were as aggressively marketed as first run shows.

Thank god Jon Stewart is writing the first 2 acts of “’A’ Daily Show”, or there would be nothing on TV to watch.

American Gladiators is on NBC, Monday Nights at 8PM!

Monday, January 14, 2008

What Sucks...The Dallas Cowboys



Disclaimer: Go Big Blue.

T.O. crying- Tony Romo running off with Jessica Simpson- this is awesome- look at this video it’s a disgrace- the only time Michael Irvin cried was when the party he was at ran out of coke!

Friday, January 11, 2008

What Sucks...The Reaper


A sad day for Sherpas and non-Sherpas alike as Sir Edmund Hillary, first (white) guy to conquer Everest, died.

Hillary will be forever be remembered as "that guy who paid us to climb our mountain, and thus doing so, started others coming to pay us to climb our mountain."

Anil Goway, owner and proprietor of Sir Hillary’s, a fast food restaurant at the base of Mt. Everest, called Hillary “A very nice man.” Adding, "That crazy sunnavabitch, he paid for our yachts.”

Reached for comment at his home off the coast of Thailand, Santosh Bishnu, 73, the owner of "Santosh Oxygen Tanks, Inc." an oxygen tank business, called Hillary “a true gentlemen”, and Roja Narayan a seller of tents, concurred saying he planned to take his private jet to New Zealand for the memorial service.

Officials in the Nepalese government have already announced they will observe Hillary’s death with 3 days of mourning in which flags will be kept at 1/2 staff and state-wide memorials will show the first 25 minutes of “Raiders Of The Lost Ark”, the highest tribute that can be paid by the Nepalese government to an individual.

They also announced that Hillary's image will appear on the Nepalese $10 dollar bill. Hillary's image had previously appeared on the $1, $5 and .25 cent piece- a record for appearances on Nepalese currency. . (Previous record holder, character actress Karen Allen appears on the nickel, twenty and rarely seen $30 dollar bill)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

What Sucks...Time Magazine: Perv Watch V.16


Nice. I’ll make this quick so these pervs can go get their Pulitzers. By the way, memo to the people who organize the Pulitzer’s- put bananas on your hors' devours list this year otherwise the shit will be flying. You know what, shit will be flying anyway, these pervs will be bringing monkey hookers to your ceremony.

So clearly some perv at Time Magazine is not only trying to have sex with a monkey, but he/she is trying to have sex with a monkey who is a prostitute. So apparently, unlike the folks over at US News And World Report, they can’t even get a monkey to like them enough to have sex with them without having to pay for it. Very nice.

Now of course, I could totally be looking at this headline and taking it the wrong way. It’s entirely possible that the writer is hooker him/ herself and is merely looking to sell themselves to monkeys for sex but come on, in that scenario, isn’t that even worse? What could a monkey possibly pay you for sex? A few seeds? A banana? Lice from another monkey?

Bottom line, writers at Time magazine should not be using their jobs to try and fuck monkeys be it for payment or otherwise- and I expect all you readers to agree with me.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

What Sucks…Roger Clemens Fights Off Roid Rage Long Enough To Deny Taking Roids


Speaking to what looked like a catcher’s mitt but could have been 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallace, Roger Clemens, a 46 year-old man who throws a baseball in the low to mid 90’s on a consistent basis, denied he took steroids Sunday night in a televised interview.

The next day, dressed in a blue shirt, he had a weird press conference in which he played an audiotape of a phone conversation with the man who has accused him of taking steroids, Brian McNamee who’s son is apparently gravely ill. In both instances the only one saying that Clemens did not take steroids, was Clemens.



Clemens, who chose Wallace to meet with because he wanted to talk to someone close to him in age, and also because he feels comfortable dealing with catcher’s mitts, admitted playing the McNamee phone call to “make everyone feel uncomfortable”.

Reaction to Clemens’ possible steroid use has been mixed with many baseball fans being extremely disappointed by the 7 time Cy Young Award winner but the vast majority of “bizarre pubic meltdown” fans remaining thrilled.

Monday, January 07, 2008

What Sucks...ABC News, And Oh, Yeah Britney Spears


Heads may need to roll at ABC News, specifically the “investigative division” if they are even remotely serious about this headline. First off, they’re citing People magazine in their sub-headline. Secondly, the answer to their question is quite clearly, “Drugs”, or more likely “Massive Amounts of Drugs”.

Is ABC News headquartered in a cave? Who wrote the article, Britney’s mom? The first line is “It seems no one’s quite sure what set off Britney Spears’ latest breakdown.” Really? Who’s not sure? Who isn’t absolutely positive that it wasn’t “Drugs” or “Massive Amounts of Drugs”?

The girl is rumored to be drinking “Nyquil, Vodka and Red Bull”. NYQUIL! That makes no sense- who drinks Nyquil in a drink with Vodka and Red Bull? If you can afford Vodka and Red Bull, you can afford something other than Nyquil to drink it with! You only drink Nyquil to get drunk when your underage and can’t get booze, or your so broke, you raid someone’s medicine cabinet. Britney is a millionaire- she’s choosing to drink NyQuil? No wonder they called Dr. Phil. She’s completely out of her mind and has terrible taste in drinks.

I don’t care if she “tested clean”, that just means she doesn’t leave her house without a vile of someone else’s pee. Please copy and paste the bottom of this entry into an email and send it to ABC News, cause people don’t beat cars with umbrella’s and shave their heads in the middle of the night without drugs.

Hey Woodward and Bernstein's AKA ABC News:

In response to the question you asked in your headline “What Caused Britney’s Breakdown?”

The answer is drugs.

Yours in Christ,

(Your Name)

What Sucks Breaking News…Apparently Only Thing That Doesn’t Irritate Andy Rooney Are Giant Eyebrows


Dateline New York. Andy Rooney, a man who from time to time rails against infants and is driven crazy by the fact that coffee cans are a) not the primary container in which coffee is sold from anymore (paper sacks) and b) are no longer filled to the “tippy-top”, is apparently unfazed by giant, two-inch long eyebrows.

Although Rooney, who’ll turn 109 next week, hasn’t officially stated his fondness for eyebrows that, come on, let’s face it, have to occasionally obstruct his vision, those familiar with the 60 Minutes commentator feel that a man who has repeatedly bashed the milk industry for overwhelming him by offering 2%, 1%, Skim and Whole milk, all at the same time, would have said something now about long eyebrows if in fact they caught his ire.

“We know how he feels about having to watch dog food commercials and what he thinks of fabric softeners, I don’t know why he’s being so coy about the eyebrows.” said one woman who preferred to remain anonymous as to not attract Rooney’s wrath.

Among other items suspected to not bug Rooney, who’s heart scientists estimate beats an astounding 3 times per minute, are “longer than they have to be” yellow toe nails, jowls and ear hair.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

What Sucks...2007



NOTE: Sorry for taking so long in between posts, I made a vow to myself recently that I wasn’t going to blog anymore until someone came out with a special edition DVD of Blade Runner that finally shows the director’s “true vision” and by golly, they did. Jesus, this thing has been released more times than Jeff George. I’m gonna back date post so history will be kind to those who check out archives, nevertheless, enjoy, you crazy 324 page viewers who clearly are bored at work and shit, Happy New Year!

2007. Wow. What a shitfest. As a race we may have outdone ourselves, although I doubt it. Anyway you cut it, the Gods of Suck (read: God) must be exhausted, but man did He deliver this year. Think of the lowlights- Iraq, the continued abuse of our environment sprinkled with public ridicule for anyone who publicly speaks out against it, Spiderman 3, and a media complicit in all the bullshit we find ourselves steeped in. (Only the children’s magazine “Highlights” was able to see things for what they really were.)



Looking back at 2007 you have to ask, why live? First person to put a good reason in the comment section wins a subscription from me, to the insightful Highlights Magazine, or “Over 50”, whichever periodical you like to get your truth from.

So with the past year fading into memory, and 2008 just emerging from the gooey mess that is Father Time’s birth canal, time to take a look at a some of the people behind 2007. Directly behind 2007. Directly behind 2007, giving it to us rough and hard. Now, note- I won’t be able to count everyone who made the past year suck- let’s be honest, it would crash the internet before I got out of the “B’s”, so here are some especially big douchebags who contributed to the past year.

One more note: just so you know, if you DON’T appear on this list it doesn’t mean you weren’t a total dick- I’m talking to you, guy who constantly votes against stem cell research, and you, nurse who’s rude to someone in the emergency room when all you’re trying to do is get some information and you, Jim Davis author and creator of Garfield. And I’m also talking to anyone in 2007 who hung a noose over something, shot a gun on any kind of campus, cried for three days on national TV over a dog getting adopted or who’s a member of the Janjaweed.

By the way, the BEAST does a pretty good end of year a-hole head count too.

10) Michael Vick



For an athlete to make a 2007 Shittiest People in the World List he must be a real a-hole. I mean he’s competing with douchebags the likes of Alberto Gonzales, Dick Cheney and Curt Schilling. But Michael Vick is no ordinary a-hole. Hence his well documented case. Bottom line, here was the deal the universe offered this douchenut…

…we’ll pay for your college education.
…you can make millions of dollars playing pro football.
…you can try and sneak weed through an airport.
…you can flip the bird to an entire stadium of fans.
…you can even give women herpes under the name “Ron Mexico”.

Just don’t have dogs fight each other to the death in the backyard of your mansion. Apparently that last one was a deal breaker.

9) The Britney’s, the Lohan’s, the whoever the hell else you want to throw in there



Just a few years ago, the prospect of feeling this much disappointment after seeing the privates of these women seemed like an impossible, far-off dream. Alas, we are wide awake and it is a reality I for one did not see coming. As a matter of fact, the last time I found someone’s naughty parts so unappealing I have to go all the way back to myself. They’ve made the upskirt and the nip slip boring- soon the net will be filled with pictures of girls with horn rimmed glasses reading books and you’ll all know who to thank.

8) The AMPTP


I know this doesn’t necessarily effect everyone in the same way but…

The media is controlled by about 7 companies. They make outrageous amounts of money and control basically everything you see and experience in the way of entertainment. They distribute their content vertically to ensure maximum profit- i.e. Warner Bros. releases “The Golden Compass”, wait, that blows, they release “The Dark Knight”, a news story on its popularity runs on CNN, it is advertised on the CW, promoted to AOL users, fans of Ellen tune in to watch Heath Ledger talk about it and after it hits theaters- which in some cases are owned by the parent company that owns the film, (in this case not,) it’s put out on DVD. Maybe there’s a spin off animated series that plays on the Cartoon Network, and when the movie is aired on TV, it’s aired on TBS or TNT. Everything there is owned by Time Warner, and every dollar you spend to see it, including when you watch it on the 13 different HBO’s where it makes it’s pay-cable premiere, goes to Time Warner. So they’ve made a lot of money on this particular movie especially when you consider how many times they make you pay to experience some form of entertainment associated with it.

Here’s an example involving Shrek with a cute little joke at the end. You see Shrek. You rent Shrek. You purchase Shrek on DVD. Your kids play the Shrek video game. You go to Universal Studios in Florida and do the whole “Shrek 4D Adventure” thing. You just paid 5 times for Shrek- no wonder that guy is green! (Feel free to use that gem.)

The Writer’s Guild of America, which makes 4 cents on a 20 dollar DVD, is looking to start their negotiations for the future of entertainment (the net) at 2.5 cents on the dollar. The AMPTP won’t even sit at a table with them. After reaping the benefit of their services and paying very little comparatively for it, they cynically follow the corporate, union busting playbook and drag the entire city of Los Angeles down with them. An alternative to this could be coming to the table, and staring negotiating at 2.5 cents on every dollar made in the internet, a medium they are already profiting from.


7) The Republican Candidates For President




I’m totally open to the idea of having an entry on this list entitled “Democratic Presidential Candidates”, it would probably exist too if I did the top 20 or 25 a-holes of 2007, but honestly, they’re not the ones championing a deceitfully sold, horribly planned war, questioning the age of the earth, and pointing to the millions of illegal aliens in our country as the great evil of our time, without saying much about the corporations benefiting from the work those illegals do.

These pigs are in a constant battle to outdo each other on who’s crazier, they’re like a bunch of jealous high school girls competing for the attention of the big football player, however the “football player” in this scenario is god. F them. Honestly, does anyone doubt the WORST Dem candidate (Biden? Hillary?) wouldn’t make a better Pres than any of these ass-clowns?

Please note, not sure any of the above applies to Duncan Hunter as I have no idea who the fuck he is. Actually, that’s a joke, he’s a douchebag.

6) Bill Kristol



It’s difficult to be wrong about something as many times as Bill Kristol has been about Iraq. It’s like finding a puppy, and then saying “Oh, I know what this is, a sex toy!” and then 45 horrible minutes later saying, “wait a second, this isn’t a sex toy, it’s a artificial heart!” and then, after 14 hours of surgery to install a puppy as someone’s heart, and then corrective surgery to take the puppy out, you say “Duh. That’s not an artificial heart, it’s a very important part of a jet engine, let me put it on this jet that only carries very sick children back and forth from hospitals.” And then, after the fire trucks leave, saying “wait a minute, this thing is a Shrinky Dink, let me put it in the oven…”

He’s the Isiah Thomas of Iraq. At this point he must say something about the war and even Bush is like “Dude, we’re not doing that.”

5) The Media



For all the railing against Fox News people do, it gets lost how shitty the ENTIRE media is. Think about it, we have two 24-hour news networks, three if you count MSNBC, and is watching any of them insightful and informative? Endless stories on John Edwards’ hair cut overshadow all legit reasons to not like him. And the Anna Nicole coverage I would rail about but clearly, she’s a national figure.

Just today the “most popular” story on CNN is Amy Fisher and her hubby promoting their sex tape. Can you imagine if you were from outer space and you first landed on Earth in 1992 when the whole Amy Fisher/ Joe Buttafuoco went down and you witnessed the whole media sensation surrounding it and were like “I’m out of here.” And then, you came back this week to give Earth a second chance and saw that CNN’s number one story was Amy Fisher, Hubby Promote Sex Tape”, I think you’d shoot the Earth with a big, fat “WTF? Ray Gun” ™

4) Karl Rove



Karl Rove did more of his damage in major election years like 2002, 2004, etc. but this is the year he left the White House so I think it’s important to remind people as he heads out into the sunset what a tremendous douchebag he was/ is. So don’t forget, all who read this, he is a tremendous douchebag.

Often referred to as “the architect” or “boy genius”, his legacy of engineering political victory for his party was built on getting religious people all riled up about gay marriage, putting that item on ballots across the country and using it to get people anxious to vote against 2 dudes getting married, to also vote for his candidate.

Inspirational. Seriously, nice job. Aim for the sky why don’t you.

He also presided over the era of the Swift Boat Ad, an political ad so negative in which an opponent is lied about in such an egregious way that the term “Swift Boating” became synonymous with the act of putting out false information about someone and attacking their character. That’s kind of like having a candy bar named after you that kills butterflies.

The final component of his legacy? Luck. He went up against John Kerry.

3) George W. Bush



George W. Bush in 2007 took it to the next level, it’s like he’s daring you not to hate him. Vetoing health care for kids. Being out smarted by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Pardoning Scooter Libby. The whole Walter Reed Hospital thing. It’s to the point where I am convinced that the 29 percent of the people out there who approve of the job he’s doing must think they’re being asked about pussy. Or Busch Beer. Makes sense that 29 percent of Americans like Busch Beer. But 29 percent for George Bush? That’s high.

2) Alberto Gonzales




A truly remarkable douchebag. That's him on the left.

First Latino Attorney General becomes first Latino Attorney General to resign in disgrace. His legacy? Approving torture, domestic spying, limiting Habeas Corpus and politicizing his job as Attorney General by firing US attorneys who didn’t play ball with Republican party honchos. He’s only number two on the list because his visit to a disoriented, post-op John Ashcroft (also a world class douche) to talk him into allowing domestic spying did not take place in 2007. Seriously, this guy makes John Ashcroft NOT the worst AG hired by Bush. Bonus douchebag points for passive aggressively kicking his dad as he resigned in disgrace.

“I have lived the American the American Dream- even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days.”

What does that mean? Who the hell was his father, Augusto Pinochet? Good thing this dude’s memory sucks, he probably can’t recall being such an ass-hat.



Hey Latinos, good luck getting another Attorney General.

1) Dick Cheney




All jokes about this guy shooting a dude in the face and not telling anyone about it for 2 days aside, something I’m sure if you did the police would be fine with, he is a serious, serious douchebag. In everything from forming his own intelligence gathering arm of the government to using Blackwater as a means of outsourcing the war in Iraq to just being in general, a pretty dicky guy, Cheney reigns supreme as a 2007 dickbag. As a matter of fact, he’s a douchebag for the ages. He beats Bush here because, let’s face it, he should know better, you don't blame the dog for shitting on your lawn, you blame the owner.

Well, that’s it for 2007, 2008 you have a lot to live up to, I’m sure you won’t let us down.