Monday, December 29, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: NFL Edition! The Detroit Lions, The Jets, The Cowboys, The Bucs, The Broncos

…The Detroit Lions

Kid Rock performed this year at the Country Music Awards and did a respectable job with the song “All Summer Long” and...

…therein lies pretty much the only thing somebody from Detroit can be proud of these days.

Holy shit is there anything about Detroit right now that doesn’t suck? The mayor is finishing out his term in the big house, the town’s main industry (cars) may be bankrupt by the time I finish writing this sentence and now the football team has gone 0 and 16- that’s ZERO WINS SIXTEEN LOSSES- that’s the first winless season (in the 16 game era) and only the second winless season ever in the history of the NFL.

I guess the lucky ones are the ones who are killed in the street due to the nation’s highest (or 2nd highest) crime rate.

Well, at 0-16, welcome to the pinnacle of suckage.

…The Jets

What a disgrace. 5 weeks ago you were 8-3 and you just beat the undefeated Titans- a week after beating the Patriots. Yesterday, you were beat by Chad Pennington. CHAD PENNINGTON! Who you let go earlier in the year because you got a quarterback who ended the season looking older than Cameron Diaz when she made that cameo on SNL a few weeks back. (There’s Something About Mary came out in 1998!)

This latest Jet collapse might be the most puzzling one ever. Honestly, if I was a Jet fan, I’d feel better about my team right now if they had the Jets, the early 80’s R&B band going out there every Sunday. Snap the ball, tell the other team they have a “Crush On You” and then get on with your lives.

I’d settle for the Jets from West Side Story- take a look at that video- you’re telling me that dancing crap wouldn’t have worked at least as good as what the Jets have been doing the last 5 weeks? They West Side Story Jets DEFINITELY would have beat Seattle- don’t forget, they stabbed a guy in that movie- at least they have the killer instinct!

…The Cowboys

It’s unbelievable a team could fight all year to get themselves in a position to “win and be in” the playoffs, and then come out, show no emotion, and lose 44-6 to the Eagles. Where do you start? Tony Romo? What, is stupidity an STD now?

You made Eagles fans feel good and they are among the worst people in the world. I swear in another land- these are the people who join things like the Janjuweed.

…The Broncos and Bucs

The Broncos and Bucs between them had about 9 different shots to get in the playoffs and wound up blowing them all. The Broncos had a three game lead on their division and wound up getting crushed by the Chargers last night 52-21! The Bucs were at one time 9-3 only to finish at 9-7. For that they deserve to have their old, gay-ass logos shown.

Look at the gayness!


swandad said...

I would tell you to throw in my Cleveland Browns but that would make the article redundant. Otherwise, well said.

Walking Spanish said...

As an Eagles fan, I take umbrage at the notion that we're ALL the worst. Granted, indeed, Philly fans are some of the worst ever - but I try not to paint with such a broad brush...


Ben said...

Detroiters have got to be psyched that they look like a decent bet to repeat as Stanley Cup champions this year. What's more, the Red Wings just won a game played outside at Wrigley Field.

Of course, that's hockey, and of absolutely no consequence in this country.