Tuesday, December 02, 2008
What Sucks…Plaxico Burress
To stand out as an A-hole in the NFL these days, it takes a lot. You really have to go above and beyond in the field of A-holishness. You’re swimming in a sea of jag-offs the likes of which are rarely seen in American society. Around you are dudes who have been busted using something called “the Whizzinator” to try and pass a drug test- guys who have broken into a woman’s dorm room and pooped in her closet- dudes who run over traffic cops because they don’t want to put their joints out- people who have set up dog fighting rings after aggressively spreading STD’s across the country under an alias of “Ron Mexico”- men who legally changed their name to “Ocho Cinco”, but not in time to benefit from it from a licensing perspective vis-à-vis jersey sales, AND Terrell Owens.
Plus, you have to contend with a guy named Pac-Man Jones, who after being suspended from the NFL for “making it rain”- which lead to a fight in a strip club where a dude got shot and thusly paralyzed, became a pro-wrestler and then after getting back into the NFL got into a fist-fight with the dude who was hired by the Cowboys (his new team) to keep him out of fist-fights. Oh yeah and when he was in the strip club referred to in the beginning of that last sentence, he was temporarily robbed of a garbage bag he had on him that contained 81 grand.
But Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants carved out a special place in the pantheon of NFL A-holes by shooting himself in the leg, in the middle of a NYC club. It wasn’t so much that Burress carried a gun perhaps without a NY or NJ State license- it’s more that he kinda kept it in his sweat pants without the safety on, and when it fell down his pant leg, it went off.
Hey a-hole, you just basically lost 30 million bucks (your current contract), and are now faced with recovering from a gunshot wound INSIDE prison, because you couldn’t put the safety on your gun that you had in the waistband of your sweat pants at some NYC club. A club that ALLOWS sweatpants!
Let me be more clear- if you stayed in over the weekend, you wouldn’t be fired by the Super Bowl Champs and forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail and you wouldn’t be recovering from a gunshot wound! Wait, if you kept your gun at home AND STILL went out to a club you wouldn’t be fired from the Giants and be forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail. Hell, if you kept the safety on your gun, when you went to the club you went to you wouldn’t be fired and, well you get the point.
Welcome to the elite a-holes of the NFL. By the way, here’s the latest list of NFL A-holes.
1. PacMan Jones
2. PLAXICO BURRESS
3. Michael Vick
4. Travis Henry (didn’t mention him because he’s out of the NFL right now, due to breaking the league’s substance abuse policies, but he’s fathered 9 kids with 9 different women!)
5. Chad Ocho Cinco
7. Randy Moss