Monday, December 22, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls

…Burger King

Makers of “Flame” body spray and possessors of huge, coconut sized balls. You guys made a fragrance? A cologne? Something you claim to be the “scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. I don’t follow- people don’t smell enough like shit? Have you not ridden in an elevator recently? A subway car? An airplane? We need MORE bad odors? People reek as it is, I don’t need to be smelling feint hints of your crappy fries. Show me an onion ring you guys have made that doesn’t taste and look like it was made in 1977 and MAYBE I’ll consider you going into the perfume business. Stick to making shitty foods, what’s next – an album?

…Parents Who Are Left Their Kids in Nebraska

Nebraska had a “safe haven” law on its books that allowed for parents to take their kids to a local firehouse or hospital if they are feeling overwhelmed by parenthood. They can leave their child in the care of a nurse (or fireman) without fear of punishment from the authorities. Just about every state has a version of the law which is aimed at preventing dumpster babies, but technically, the version in Nebraska, had no provision to keep parents of ANY child from dropping their kid off in Nebraska. Well, now it does because a bunch of parents started heading to Nebraska to drop off their kids. One dude dropped off 17 kids! One woman came from Florida to dump her 12 year old! Balls!

…Guy Who Named His Kid “Adolf Hitler”, And Then Got Pissed When ShopRite Wouldn’t Write His Kid’s Name On A Cake

Dude, scientists and mathematicians are currently struggling to calculate the shear circumference of your balls. Not only did you give your kid the first and middle names of “Adolf Hitler”(last name ‘Campbell’, so the kid’s name is Adolf Hitler Campbell), you also named your other kid after Himler and another kid “Aryan Nation” (Joyce-Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell) all the while keeping your name of “Heath”. What a douchenut. Your name is relatively normal, yet your little kids are sentenced to a lifetime of awkward explanations of why their names are hate crimes. THEN, you get pissed when some poor slob at a ShopRite refuses to write their names on a cake. Here’s an idea, why don’t you write their names on your huge, basketball sized balls.

Honorable Mention: Walmart

You douchenuts actually wrote the name on the cake
. So if your employees want to organize for health benefits or overtime pay it’s a big fat “no”, but anytime they want to write the Fuhrer’s name on a cake, that’s ok? That’s F-ed up and that’s coming from someone who has written a lot of F’ed up things on cakes!


Darkly said...

That nazi mom is only 25 years old, when I first saw the picture of them I thought they were both middle aged lesbians.

ZenDenizen said...

Is it possible the parents are so stupid, they don't even know who Adolf Hitler was?

The Idiocracy is here!