Wednesday, December 31, 2008

What Sucks Hero

The following is from the upcoming What Sucks off-Broadway production of “Righteous DWI: A Legend in Scotsdale”.

The house is dark. A police siren lights up the stage revealing a cop, who approaches Barkley in his SUV.

Officer: You realize you went through a stop sign over there…

Charles Barkley
: Yes. Look, I’ll be honest, I was in a rush to get blown. Come on, you have to admit this girl is hot. Hey, if there’s anyone in this police station who can get me out of this DUI, I will tattoo my name on your ass! Wait, I mean I will tattoo, YOUR name on MY ass…

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Rod Blagojevich

Normally when WhatSucksBlog salutes giant balls, it likes to give readers 3 or 4 examples of folks who have giant balls for them to peruse and discuss with their parents over an early morning beer. But this dude- Rod Blagojevich, the corrupt governor of Illinois, gets a special mention all to himself.

I’ll be honest here, I’m not even trying to follow this story. After the election this year I’ve tried to stay away from shitting on people in politics- sure they all suck- without exception- but after a little while they’re a downer to write and read about on a blog. I’d much rather be telling you all about how lice sucks, how PUBIC lice sucks even more and how Glenn Frye’s video for Smuggler’s Blues sucks worse than both of those things (all coming in 2009!). But after only hearing a little about this douche-nugget I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t at least list for you all what a loser he be. By the way before I do that, think for a second about what you have to do these days to stand out as a douchebag among governors- anyway…

1) The Hair.

If the guy wasn’t a corrupt douchnut basically auctioning off a Senate seat- Obama’s Senate seat by the way- you still have to deal with his hair. Jesus dude it’s like Shatner’s toupe fucked Burt Reynolds toupe and then they threw the result of that horrible union in a dumpster where Rod Blagojevich saw it and was bribed to put it on his head- what’s worse- I’m pretty sure that’s not a toupe.

2) The Corruptness.

So he’s reported to the Feds and caught on tape trying to solicit payment for the appointment of a Senator to fill Obama’s vacated seat. Yeah, not exactly what the doctor ordered but politicians are scumbags so not exactly a shocker…

3) The “Giant Balls” Part

After being outed by a special prosecutor as a special variety dick, Blagojevich goes ahead and STILL appoints the guy he wants to take over as Senator setting up what will have to be the most awkward confirmation hearings in quite some time.

Dude, you were arrested by the FBI for trying to sell the Senate seat, then a week after that, you’re gonna appoint the guy you want? Balls. Large ones.

Monday, December 29, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: NFL Edition! The Detroit Lions, The Jets, The Cowboys, The Bucs, The Broncos

…The Detroit Lions

Kid Rock performed this year at the Country Music Awards and did a respectable job with the song “All Summer Long” and...

…therein lies pretty much the only thing somebody from Detroit can be proud of these days.

Holy shit is there anything about Detroit right now that doesn’t suck? The mayor is finishing out his term in the big house, the town’s main industry (cars) may be bankrupt by the time I finish writing this sentence and now the football team has gone 0 and 16- that’s ZERO WINS SIXTEEN LOSSES- that’s the first winless season (in the 16 game era) and only the second winless season ever in the history of the NFL.

I guess the lucky ones are the ones who are killed in the street due to the nation’s highest (or 2nd highest) crime rate.

Well, at 0-16, welcome to the pinnacle of suckage.

…The Jets

What a disgrace. 5 weeks ago you were 8-3 and you just beat the undefeated Titans- a week after beating the Patriots. Yesterday, you were beat by Chad Pennington. CHAD PENNINGTON! Who you let go earlier in the year because you got a quarterback who ended the season looking older than Cameron Diaz when she made that cameo on SNL a few weeks back. (There’s Something About Mary came out in 1998!)

This latest Jet collapse might be the most puzzling one ever. Honestly, if I was a Jet fan, I’d feel better about my team right now if they had the Jets, the early 80’s R&B band going out there every Sunday. Snap the ball, tell the other team they have a “Crush On You” and then get on with your lives.

I’d settle for the Jets from West Side Story- take a look at that video- you’re telling me that dancing crap wouldn’t have worked at least as good as what the Jets have been doing the last 5 weeks? They West Side Story Jets DEFINITELY would have beat Seattle- don’t forget, they stabbed a guy in that movie- at least they have the killer instinct!

…The Cowboys

It’s unbelievable a team could fight all year to get themselves in a position to “win and be in” the playoffs, and then come out, show no emotion, and lose 44-6 to the Eagles. Where do you start? Tony Romo? What, is stupidity an STD now?

You made Eagles fans feel good and they are among the worst people in the world. I swear in another land- these are the people who join things like the Janjuweed.

…The Broncos and Bucs

The Broncos and Bucs between them had about 9 different shots to get in the playoffs and wound up blowing them all. The Broncos had a three game lead on their division and wound up getting crushed by the Chargers last night 52-21! The Bucs were at one time 9-3 only to finish at 9-7. For that they deserve to have their old, gay-ass logos shown.

Look at the gayness!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Grinch

Sure Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 1: The Grinch!

History has been kind of, well, kind to the Grinch. Ask yourself, what do you remember most about him? That his heart grew 3 times that day? That he carved the “roast beast”? That once upon a time he learned a valuable lesson about Christmas?

How about that he concocted and executed with disturbing aplomb a plan- which can only be described as insidious- to rob an entire community of a beloved holiday?

Kind of gets lost in the shuffle, doesn’t it? Why, because he decided in the end to “bring stuff back”? Just for the record, let’s review what this animal did-

- A conservative estimate of about 12-15 instances of “breaking and entering”. Which in Whoville or not, is a felony.
- I’ll low-ball estimate the monetary value of the stuff he took- let’s put it in the range of 50 thousand dollars- grand larceny by any measure, a felony.
- I’ll throw in “endangering the welfare of a child”, a felony.
- Numerous instances of cruelty to animals, a felony.

Right there we are looking at a criminal the likes of which we seldom see. And why? Because his shoes were too tight? Because his heart was too small? Because he couldn’t take noise?

I’m sorry, this guy is a dick. I remind you he stole ice cubes out of someone’s freezer, the pedals off a poinsettia AND a crumb from a mouse. He stole ice cubes from someone’s ice tray! Look at the film!

Not only that, multiple times he endangered his dog by either forcing him to act as an accomplice to precariously parking his sleigh on the peak of a mountain, with Max still tied to it.

The dude should be in the Whoville county jail.

The Grinch- a serious Christmas A-hole.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What Sucks...Santa Baby: A What Sucks Classic!

What the fuck? Are we trying to give Santa wood? Jesus, kids are listening to this thing for Christ Sakes.

Check out some of the lyrics...

“…come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany…I really do believe in you, let’s see if you believe in me too.”

Subtle. Now imagine this clear invitation to fuck as it is sung by the Pussycat Dolls...

I'm sorry, that's basically NSFW! Especially if you're an Elf.

And they're not the only ones to take a shot at this song. You had Madonna...

Kylie Minogue....And just to prove it isn't a new phenomenon, silent film star and former Cat-Woman Eartha Kitt has been doing it since before WW2!

Hey ladies, keep it in your pants- the guy has a busy enough night as it is. Plus, last time I checked, you home-wrecking pervs, he's married. No wonder Mrs. Claus has self-esteem problems, she's like Jackie O when Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday Mr. President. Here's the actual transcript by the way for that, rarely seen in its entirety...

MARILYN: (FINISHING HER SONG) ...Happy birthday Mr. President...happy birthday to you...


JACKIE O: (TO JACK) What the fuck was that? I'm sorry, is there draft in here, oh, did I say draft? I meant whore. Is there a whore in here Jack? Jesus Christ!

Monday, December 22, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls

…Burger King

Makers of “Flame” body spray and possessors of huge, coconut sized balls. You guys made a fragrance? A cologne? Something you claim to be the “scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. I don’t follow- people don’t smell enough like shit? Have you not ridden in an elevator recently? A subway car? An airplane? We need MORE bad odors? People reek as it is, I don’t need to be smelling feint hints of your crappy fries. Show me an onion ring you guys have made that doesn’t taste and look like it was made in 1977 and MAYBE I’ll consider you going into the perfume business. Stick to making shitty foods, what’s next – an album?

…Parents Who Are Left Their Kids in Nebraska

Nebraska had a “safe haven” law on its books that allowed for parents to take their kids to a local firehouse or hospital if they are feeling overwhelmed by parenthood. They can leave their child in the care of a nurse (or fireman) without fear of punishment from the authorities. Just about every state has a version of the law which is aimed at preventing dumpster babies, but technically, the version in Nebraska, had no provision to keep parents of ANY child from dropping their kid off in Nebraska. Well, now it does because a bunch of parents started heading to Nebraska to drop off their kids. One dude dropped off 17 kids! One woman came from Florida to dump her 12 year old! Balls!

…Guy Who Named His Kid “Adolf Hitler”, And Then Got Pissed When ShopRite Wouldn’t Write His Kid’s Name On A Cake

Dude, scientists and mathematicians are currently struggling to calculate the shear circumference of your balls. Not only did you give your kid the first and middle names of “Adolf Hitler”(last name ‘Campbell’, so the kid’s name is Adolf Hitler Campbell), you also named your other kid after Himler and another kid “Aryan Nation” (Joyce-Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell) all the while keeping your name of “Heath”. What a douchenut. Your name is relatively normal, yet your little kids are sentenced to a lifetime of awkward explanations of why their names are hate crimes. THEN, you get pissed when some poor slob at a ShopRite refuses to write their names on a cake. Here’s an idea, why don’t you write their names on your huge, basketball sized balls.

Honorable Mention: Walmart

You douchenuts actually wrote the name on the cake
. So if your employees want to organize for health benefits or overtime pay it’s a big fat “no”, but anytime they want to write the Fuhrer’s name on a cake, that’s ok? That’s F-ed up and that’s coming from someone who has written a lot of F’ed up things on cakes!

Friday, December 19, 2008

What Sucks...A Video I Was Involved In: El Vacio

El Vacio: Office Workout

A small side project I did with the very funny Jon Gabrus and Dominic Dierkes called "El Vacio", Spanish for "The Void", was sold to and will be up on their site after the new year- here's a little sneak preview featuring Gabrus in his "Arnie Christian" character- sometimes its hard to see where Gabrus stops and Arnie Christian begins.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What Sucks…

Nice headline, CNN guy.

What do you say to this?

- When you’re right, you’re right?!
- So say it in song!
- …so that’s why the folks at Hallmark have designed THIS special series of cards…
- so consider skywriting!
- so why bother?!

Ever get the feeling that every once in a while the guy in charge of CNN Online takes off and hands the reigns to the guy who’s worked there for a few years and has recently been through a rough spot? Keep refreshing, you don’t want to miss the “your dog’s dead” Or the “hey, doctors have found a Chlamydia super-bug in your wife!” updates.

In other news, WhatSucksBlog is back, baby. Thanks for hanging in there- I had an ass-load of work recently which seems to be subsiding a touch. So if you’re a regular reader, or just someone who googled “Fluffer”(I get a lot of hits on that one), I hope to go back to pretty regular postings.


Kid sob stories rule the day at CNN!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What Sucks...The Video Game Awards

Sorry I haven't been up here much in the last couple of weeks- it ain't because things have stopped sucking.

I've been out in LA head writing the Video Game Awards for Spike- this year hosted by Jack Black. (Hence the promo above). They air live this Sunday night so it's been a real ball-buster to post anything for the blog. I hope you all missed the blog though. I hope your lives have been a little more empty since last Tuesday when I posted something last- no? Just more time for you to search the net for "Foot Porn"? I thought so, pervs.

Will be back soon. With more stuff that sucks. Don't worry, I'll win you all back! (I'll post pictures of my feet!)

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

What Sucks…Plaxico Burress

To stand out as an A-hole in the NFL these days, it takes a lot. You really have to go above and beyond in the field of A-holishness. You’re swimming in a sea of jag-offs the likes of which are rarely seen in American society. Around you are dudes who have been busted using something called “the Whizzinator” to try and pass a drug test- guys who have broken into a woman’s dorm room and pooped in her closet- dudes who run over traffic cops because they don’t want to put their joints out- people who have set up dog fighting rings after aggressively spreading STD’s across the country under an alias of “Ron Mexico”- men who legally changed their name to “Ocho Cinco”, but not in time to benefit from it from a licensing perspective vis-à-vis jersey sales, AND Terrell Owens.

Plus, you have to contend with a guy named Pac-Man Jones, who after being suspended from the NFL for “making it rain”- which lead to a fight in a strip club where a dude got shot and thusly paralyzed, became a pro-wrestler and then after getting back into the NFL got into a fist-fight with the dude who was hired by the Cowboys (his new team) to keep him out of fist-fights. Oh yeah and when he was in the strip club referred to in the beginning of that last sentence, he was temporarily robbed of a garbage bag he had on him that contained 81 grand.

But Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants carved out a special place in the pantheon of NFL A-holes by shooting himself in the leg, in the middle of a NYC club. It wasn’t so much that Burress carried a gun perhaps without a NY or NJ State license- it’s more that he kinda kept it in his sweat pants without the safety on, and when it fell down his pant leg, it went off.

Hey a-hole, you just basically lost 30 million bucks (your current contract), and are now faced with recovering from a gunshot wound INSIDE prison, because you couldn’t put the safety on your gun that you had in the waistband of your sweat pants at some NYC club. A club that ALLOWS sweatpants!

Let me be more clear- if you stayed in over the weekend, you wouldn’t be fired by the Super Bowl Champs and forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail and you wouldn’t be recovering from a gunshot wound! Wait, if you kept your gun at home AND STILL went out to a club you wouldn’t be fired from the Giants and be forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail. Hell, if you kept the safety on your gun, when you went to the club you went to you wouldn’t be fired and, well you get the point.

Welcome to the elite a-holes of the NFL. By the way, here’s the latest list of NFL A-holes.

1. PacMan Jones
3. Michael Vick
4. Travis Henry (didn’t mention him because he’s out of the NFL right now, due to breaking the league’s substance abuse policies, but he’s fathered 9 kids with 9 different women!)
5. Chad Ocho Cinco
6. TO
7. Randy Moss

Monday, December 01, 2008

What Sucks…Dying At Walmart

Still looking for things to be thankful for? How about not being knocked to the ground and trampled over by a mob of people who were so intent on buying Rock Band 2 at Walmart that they couldn’t even be bothered to step over you?

Everyone who was at the Minneola, LI Walmart around 4AM last Friday needs to take a long look in the mirror. What the hell is wrong with you people? I don’t want to even go to a Walmart, much less witness an involuntary manslaughter there, can we get our shit together please? Now I’m hearing the poor guy who was trampled was 6’5 270lbs? How does a guy that sized get trampled at a Walmart? You people are animals. This is like if "Jingle All The Way" was a snuff film.

What the hell are you all doing at Walmart at 4AM on “Black Friday”, anyway? Are your families so annoying you need to get out of the house and away from them before the sun comes up? Deal with your problems!