Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What Sucks…Turkeys Are Dicks Part 3

It has become somewhat of a tradition at this time of year to have this blog point out for its now 500 daily readers, who, as Thanksgiving nears, may be feeling a little antsy about the vast amount of Turkeys (200 million nationwide) that are about to be eaten, that they shouldn't sweat it too much.

The simple facts are, my friends, that there is no reason to feel bad about this pending turkey massacre when you take into consideration that Turkeys are major dicks. Please consider the following facts from of all places, the Sierra Club, that will hopefully make you feel better.

…A turkey is the one who suggested to Susan Smith, that after she drowned her kids by driving her car into a local lake, that she try to blame a black guy for it.

…A turkey is who first coined the term “TMI” meaning “too much information”.

…Turkeys are responsible for the design and marketing of “Crocs”.

…Turkeys account for 78 percent of the audience of the re-vamped Knight Rider on NBC.

...A turkey was the one who recently convinced Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson Wentz to name their kid “Bronx Mowgli”.

Hopefully that will make you feel better.

Have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, and if you’re the a-hole that comes over someone’s house every Thanksgiving and makes people uncomfortable by drinking too much and talking about “the immigrant problem”, try this year to suck less.

WhatSucksBlog will be back on Monday.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What Sucks Presents: Switching "Duty"

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Heidi And Spencer, Pirates, Triple Decker Sandwiches, Stuart Scott

…Heidi And Spencer

Married? Nice. The biggest douche merger since Massengill joined forces with Summer’s Eve. What did the priest say– “…if there’s anyone here who DOESN’T object let them speak now or forever hold their peace…” I wish I was invited just so I could be asked by an usher- “Douche-side or ‘tard-side”?

…Somali Pirates

Reason #3021 that Africa sucks, Pirates (PIRATES!) are still a major factor there. Seriously, the only reason that place isn’t being overrun by Vikings is because the commute from Norway is too long.

…Triple Deck Sandwiches

What’s the appeal of another piece of bread? Am I supposed to be impressed? You’re clearly padding your sandwich! Plus, now when I take a bite, the meat shoots all over the place!

…Stuart Scott

Worst Sportscenter guy ever? What the hell is he talking about? And by that I mean, whenever he talks. Dude, you’re making football highlight shows un-fun and you have worst catch phrases (“Must be jam, cause jelly doesn’t shake like that…”) than AYDS Diet Plan (Lose Weight, With Ayds!)

Monday, November 24, 2008

What Sucks…Grey’s Anatomy

A group of people conduct medical experiments on a living human- while she’s awake, in a cold, dark basement room, located next to a morgue. A woman fucks a ghost.

No, these are not the latest story lines from the next Frank Miller graphic novel, nor are they excerpts from the upcoming “Hostel 18” they are the “A” and “B” story-lines from last week’s Grey’s Anatomy (I don’t DVR it, the most important person in my life does- leave me alone!)

Used to be this show was about doctors having sex- now, it’s about doctors having bad sex that brings about the realization of nightmares- I knew producers wanted to go in a different direction this year, but what they say? “Ahem, yeah- let’s make this show more like ‘Lost’ as directed by an angry Tim Burton!”

In the past 8 months Izzy alone has slept with George (destroying his marriage), Alex (on the rebound from a psycho girlfriend) and a ghost, (her dead, ex-boyfriend, who she killed at the end of season one).

They’ve had the least hot lesbian affair in the history of TV with Callie O’Malley and Dr. Hahn- so un-sexy, by the way that they had to fire Dr. Hahn as an actress. Dr. Sloan (McSteamy) has morphed from a misogynist who F’d his best friend’s wife, to an “all-around” good guy who helps kids cope with their father’s night tremors. By the way, McDreamy has forgiven Sloan for F-ing his wife and ruining his marriage, but can’t seem to get over the fact that Meredith has roommates. Also, we sit upon the precipice of Yang starting a relationship with a guy who has PTSD- just you watch. Ugh! I know too much about this shit!

Black is white, right is wrong and up is down at Seattle Grace. Hey folks- we don't watch Grey's Anatomy because we want bad sex- even if you put it to a “hip”, “indie”, soundtrack. I can have bad sex on my own to the latest “Shins” album, thank you very much. We watch it because we want to see hot, GOOD sex- and because our wives are into the show. (Honestly, if it were up to me- I'd be watching PBS!)

Grey’s Anatomy is on ABC- Thursday’s at 9!

Friday, November 21, 2008

What Sucks…Sarah Palin

Look, I’m the first to admit the closest I come to being an outdoorsman is waiting on bus stops in the morning with the rest of Hoboken, but I don’t get this woman’s comfort with being around animals getting killed.

Seriously, WTF? I can google like 3 or 4 pictures on the net where she is literally either holding the head of dead animal or standing 5 feet away from one. Check out this video (warning: it’s a little gruesome- unless you hate turkeys) she’s talking to a reporter right in front of some dude who’s just going to town killing turkeys. Look at her, she’s not batting an eyelash- this woman does two things- give birth and hang around dead animals.

And nice reporting, whoever’s she’s talking to- doesn’t occur to you to ask additional questions? There she is babbling on and on- how bout, “Oh yeah, and Governor- quick follow up- WHY ARE WE STANDING IN FRONT OF SOME DUDE KILLING TURKEYS?”

Add this to her stance on shooting wolves from airplanes (ahem, for it), and she’s like the “Murder She Wrote” chick for wildlife. She’s the friggin animal reaper for Christ sakes. What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Apparently, hockey moms are much better armed. Oh and, dude killing turkeys in the background, just so you know, you’re burying the needle on the “creepy meter”.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What Sucks…Ayman al-Zawahiri

Really? Gonna go there? A racial epithet? Cause we were all kind of on the fence about you being a dick. It really could have gone either way- so THANK YOU for making it perfectly clear that, you know, you’re an asshole. So, yeah, I guess, you know- we get it, you’re a dick. A huge one.

By the way, can we get this guy now? We can’t just put a team of dudes in a white van outside every Best Buy in the northern part of Pakistan? Funny Or Die doesn’t post as many videos as these guys.

So, you’re a terrorist and a racist. Nicely played. You know those Dave Matthews “Mean People Suck” stickers? Well, take a look in the mirror, pal.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What Sucks...The Big Three

Really, the demand for gas guzzling SUV’s is going down? I had no idea that would happen- so hard to see in the future sometimes- you know, middle eastern country’s basically holding us hostage at the pump- I guess its time for you guys to shift over to your more fuel-efficient models- you know I think I read somewhere that the environment is a concern people have and they might want to buy things like the Toyota Prius. Oh, you don’t HAVE a plan for a roll-out of cool, non-gas guzzler car? No, no problem, I’ll totally pickup the tab so you don’t have to go into bankruptcy.

If we give you the money, can we then call you the “Big 3 Douche-muffins”?

Monday, November 17, 2008

What Sucks..Axe Body Spray

BLOG NOTE: As a public service, would like to address the young men of America who think that using Axe Body Spray, Deodorant or Shower Gel will aid them in getting laid. It will not.

Dear Young Men Of America:

Sometimes in the haste to make the journey from boy to young man, we succumb to various pressures we find along the way. These “pressures” may lead us to decisions we later regret- mistakes if you will, from which we must form our values, learn our lessons and hopefully develop character.

Some of these mistakes are understandable. A buddy offers you a smoke in the school parking lot- tells you it’s no big deal- everyone’s doing it- it looks cool. He has a point- it does look cool and often it impresses chicks- that kind of peer pressure is difficult to overcome.

Some mistakes are brought on by society. By not erupting violently at the thought of “30 Seconds To Mars”, society passively condones the band and leads you, confused, to download a song of theirs, or let girls you know “get into them”. Next thing you know, you have to navigate your way through emo-music and deal with guys wearing mascara.

With the above instances, often more important than making the mistakes is your reaction to them. If we can learn from our errors- well then, we are on our way to navigating life.

Sadly, however, there is another “mistake” we sometimes face, that all too often is born of fear and ignorance.

It is in these particular instances that we must be vigilant. We must find the strength to conquer these blunders before they take hold. I’m talking of course about the idea that one could possibly think- even for a second- that Axe Body Spray (Shower Gel or Deodorant) could in any way shape or form, help one get laid.

Now I know as young people, you are inundated with mixed messages from the media telling you that what you look like or who you’re getting laid with is the most important thing in the world. Granted, it of course is- but we must remember to use our heads.

Do you really think that running out and buying Axe Body Spray or Shower Gel is going to get you chicks? That stuff smells like shit. As a matter of fact, it smells worse than shit. It smells like someone ate shit, and then shit the shit they ate, out. It smells like digested, double shit. It’s gross and you can all do better if you think that using that crap squared, is gonna help get you some tail.

Further, if I may direct this next sentence to those who have a bottle of Axe Shower Gel in their bathrooms, or a stick of Axe Deodorant in their medicine cabinets. Would you be so quick to run out and get your Axe product if you knew that not only would it not help you in your quest to get laid, but it might in fact NEGATIVELY effect your chances of fucking?

Well, sad to say- it’s true.

In your haste to buy stuff that may get you laid, you’re actually buying something that HURTS your chances of getting over on some girl. A sobering thought, indeed.

I am so convinced that Axe Body Spray, Shower Gel, etc. is a hindrance to getting laid, that if one (1) woman can honestly write in the comment section of this posting- that she’s had sex with a guy wearing some Axe product, and can prove herself to be real- I will buy dinner for her and her Axe wearing, douchebag boyfriend at an Applebees of her choice.

In closing, allow me to restate that despite what you see on commercials and depicted in media, Axe Body Spray smells like poo, and will not help you get any action. For Christ sakes, and women will back me up on this, visible herpes sores act as a better aphrodisiac.

Axe Body Spray will not get you laid*.

*denotes: by a woman.

Would never happen.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What Sucks…Quantum of Solace

Sure I may not be the first to shit on the title of this movie- I may not even be the 100 thousandth, but for the next few hours I can certainly be among the most recent so, having said that…

Damn that title sucks! Quantum of Solace? The title to my car reads better. (Thank you.) As a matter of fact, here’s a good ol’ top-ten list of things that read better…

10) THIS WOMAN’S job title
9) A unabomber letter as read by a sleep deprived Crispin Glover!
8) An ill-prepared Mark Wahlberg reading for the part of the father in “Long Day Journey Into Night” at an audition!

And while we're on the subject- is there any reason a James Bond movie should suck? I know there are many that do – but why? It’s got to be the 2nd easiest movie franchise to run, but their batting average is not as good as it should be. Bad-ass guy hooks up with multiple hot chicks, gets into fights and then drives fast in a cool car 2 or three times. The rest of the time, give him cool gadgets to use to beat up bad guys with- all this- combined with putting him in any imaginable locale in the world (or Space) and him being a wise-ass to his bosses should make for an interesting and fun hour and twenty minutes every time.

We should all be excited when a James Bond movie comes out- we should live for it- we shouldn’t be struggling to pronounce it’s title!

First easiest movie franchise by the way would be The Hulk.

Quantum of Solace hits theaters this weekend!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What Sucks...According To Jim

Sure, when I get behind on my blog (big blog announcement still coming!), I’ve been known to hit YouTube and fish up a clip of “According To Jim” to post in all it’s suck-glory™. And yeah, ATJ has never let’s me down, and yeah- its lazy to do that on my blog- and YEAH, the show’s pretty much not even on TV these days other that repeats in small, southern markets, but that does make it right for a man to teach his daughter math in the way that is depicted above!

Monkeys take more care and are better at expressing themselves than this guy and I know the show is supposed to illustrate the attempts of a “typical” male trying to do right by his family and out-of-his-league wife, but these kids should have been taken by child services a long time ago.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

What Sucks…Shark Virgin Births!

More news from the world of sharks, and as usual, it ain’t good.

As reported here once already, scientists have now confirmed a 2nd instance of sharks giving birth asexually. What does that mean? Sharks can have babies without having sex, you know, like the British. Why would sharks be interested in doing that? Well the only reason I can come up with is I guess it gives them more time to try and kill us.

Officially, scientists have determined that a female blacktip shark, which had recently died, was carrying a pup fetus. They can say for sure this shark was never in contact with a male blacktip shark in the 8 years it was in their tank- nor is it possible that the shark was impregnated before it entered the tank (8 years ago). So, either sharks can spontaneously produce off-spring, or some male blacktip shark has been sneaking into the tank at night, and doing the nasty with the female shark.

Either case shows a strong evolution in sharks that do not bode well for humans.

I guess its only a matter of time before sharks develop wings, learn to fly and become unstoppable forces- get used to stories like this on your local news…

“…A woman who was jogging today was killed when a Great White Shark swooped down from the sky and ate her. Witnesses say the shark was doing a sudoku puzzle at the time of the attack."

Thursday, November 06, 2008

What Sucks…California’s Proposition 8

The next time someone starts telling you how crazy Scientology is and how much they suck, tell them you can’t take seriously anyone who discriminates against a people because of their religious beliefs- without first acknowledging, how F’d up Mormons are. Tell them they are clearly ignorant and let them know you won’t be audience to anyone who discriminates so indiscriminately.

Mormons, who by the way, wear special undies that are supposed to bring them “closer to god”, and who think the Garden of Eden is/ was in Missouri, have been the leading sponsor for Prop 8, the ballot initiative in California that seeks to ban, by constitutional amendment in the State’s constitution, gay marriage.

Mormons. Standing up for what they call “traditional” marriage. So it’s okay for them to have 8-9 wives, but Ellen can’t have any. Well, I guess it’s obvious why they need to marry so many people, clearly it’s to have someone to help carry around their gigantic balls.

Unfortunately, Mormons got this thing on the ballot, but the suckage doesn’t end there- a lot of people in California voted for it, which is also disturbing. Why do people have a problem with two homosexual people getting married? If these people want to be married and want to be just as miserable as everyone else, who are we to stop them?

Seriously, you people are so gung-ho to defend marriage- where were you when Larry King was tying the knot for the 7th time? Why do people have an issue with 2 adult women who want to get married? What, Jesus is the only guy not into Lesbians? Come on- let these people tie the knot- some of them have adopted kids- why must you make their kid think they’re weird because mom and mom (or dad and dad for that matter), can’t be officially recognized as a couple?

When Californian courts allowed gay marriage, the US became one of 6 countries to recognize the unions legally, the other 4 being the Netherlands, Spain, Canada, South Africa and of course, Homoguay. Let’s keep it that way and Mormons, stay out of people’s bedrooms, you wouldn’t want any of us going into your compounds, would you?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Suckage Takes A Major Hit

Nice job America- and I mean America- not just the East and West coasts- your country was circling the crapper and you capped off 18 months of Presidential campaigning to vote, en masse, for a black dude with a Muslim name. What happened, bummed that Mullah Omar wasn’t running so you went with the next best thing?

Joking of course. Tuesday night represented an amazing thing that happens all to rarely in our country- our people voted and…dare I say- got it right? Actually, if you count David Cook’s triumph over David Archuetta, and Vince Cater not getting voted into the NBA All-Star game, it’s kind of happened 3 times in a row now- perhaps it’s the start of a new trend of us, maybe at this year’s “People’s Choice” Nickelback will go home empty-handed. Could it be, as a people we’re “Getting It”? Oh wait, their making a Sex and the City sequel- oh well- it was fun while it lasted.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

What Sucks Election Coverage: Undecideds Struggle With Decision Whether Or Not To Be Racist

With mere hours to go before the most important election of our lifetime, undecided voters across the country continue to struggle with the choice before them- vote for an old dude who’s party has put the country in the place where it is today, and who selected a moron as his running mate, and who has tried to make a hero out of a right-wing, wannabe plumber, or for one day at least, don’t be a racist.

It’s really coming down to the wire for these “undecideds” who, before they go to the polls, have to balance their desire to be racist, with their desire to not lose their home, and to perhaps one day retire- ah to have the wisdom of King Solomon.

Many polls indicate a close race between those who have already decided whether or not they’re going to be racist, with Obama leading racists in some polls by only 2% so either way, it looks like undecided racists could have a big say in this election.