Thursday, July 31, 2008

What Sucks…John McCain

“Nice Job”

A What Sucks Poem

Hey John McCain, that your ad?
Nice job.
Obama’s like Britney?
Nice job.
Obama’s like Paris Hilton?
Nice job.
A shot of Obama speaking at a massive gathering in Berlin, being received in Europe as if he’s the love child of Bono and Princess Di in an ad that’s supposed to be AGAINST him? Seriously, nice job.

We heard you challenge Obama to go overseas.
But we couldn’t hear you criticize him for taking the trip, because you were bashing him from some aisle in a supermarket, and your voice was drowned out by cashier asking for a price check.
Nice job.

Nice job going on TV and telling the world we need to pay close attention to the border of Pakistan and Iraq. They don’t share a border. They’re separated by an entire country.
Nice Job.

You’re old.
Your campaign knows the election is not taking place on Opposite Day, right?
I am now more convinced than ever that this historical 2 year Presidential election campaign will end with you throwing a tantrum while wearing a bathrobe.
Nice job.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What Sucks Flash Poll Asks: What Crap Are You Sure You Haven’t Eaten In Your Food, When You’ve Ordered Taco Bell? is asking readers to be honest with themselves. Sure, we all eat Taco Bell, and sure when you eat Taco Bell there is a tacit arrangement you will be eating something you yourself would never put in a taco- but what are you CERTAIN you haven’t eaten?

Are you almost positive you haven’t eaten a band-aid? How bout a bug? How bout a discarded joint? It’s possible. Spit? Well, there’s always a chance.

Vote now- write ins can go in the comment section (don't be racist though!)

What Sucks…Saudi Arabia

Religious policeman could be such a cool job. You could battle the devil, take on demons- someone steals a chalice and you track it down- instead, you choose to ban cats and dogs. What a downer, on top of that- you do it in the name of Alla… er, I mean the one who we dare not speak his name who apparently, is a huge cockblocker.

Hey religious police- you’re shitty, shitty wingmen. Also, you’re under the impression your chicks are way, way hotter than they are. What, if they don’t wear a sleeping bag every time they leave the house they’re gonna get jumped? I think you guys are just overly horny.

Hey Middle East, you have a shitload of religious nutjobs over there, and that’s coming from someone who lives in America, where there's an assload of religious wackos.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Khloe Kardashian, Gas Prices, Shia LaBeouf, Sharks, Robert Novak

…Khloe Kardashian

Is DUI a crime in LA? This chick isn’t even a celebrity and she’s doing less time for a felony than it takes to drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica at rush hour. Can we make the punishment for driving while intoxicated longer than the season premiere of Heroes? Also- you should spell your fucking name with a “C”, like everyone else.

…Gas Prices

If these things were any more steep they’d come with a friggin’ sherpa! People are worried about the “five-dollar gallon”? They should worry about the “4 integer gas sign”!

…Shia LaBeouf

Drunk driving? A pretty boy like this won’t last 30 minutes in the big house! Luckily, the way we sentence celebs, he’ll only have to last 15!


For years I’ve been railing against these killing machines, and this weekend they have the chance to attack, to take out, to remove once and for all from the face of the earth Ryan Seacrest- and they blow it. Thanks for showing up, sharks.

…Robert Novak

What, are brain tumors slumming?

Monday, July 28, 2008

What Sucks...Livia Ionce And Having 18 Kids In 23 Years!

Who is Livia Ionce? Well, for a percentage of you reading in Canada, she could be your mom. For everyone else, she’s the 44-year old woman in Canada who just had her 18th baby in 23 years.

Let me say that again for those of you who know there’s a difference between vaginas and tents, 18 kids!

We don’t know the amount of water this woman has broken hasn’t contributed to rising sea levels! Looking for a baby gift? How bout some mace for her husband?! Hey Mr. Ionce, we get it, you’re fertile! Can you keep your hands off your wife for 5 minutes? You’ve been married for 25 years, you’re not supposed to be having sex! It’s one thing to have a lot of kids, this woman uses her uterus as a goddamn clown car!

On the bright side, for this women’s sons and daughters, it’s almost impossible for kids at their school to make fun of her. What are they gonna say…

“Yo, last night I did your mom.”?

Last night? No, my dad was in there. Again.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What Sucks...Shine by Collective Soul

Enjoy the suckage and see if you can find the sucky things in this video. Feel free to list them in the comments section (no racism!).

Psst: I'll give you a hint- its more than 8 things.

I hope your privates have a good weekend.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

What Sucks…Brooke Hogan Posing For Playboy

You’re kidding me, posing for Playboy? What, do they have a lampoon edition? Maybe they’ll shoot her in one of those sexy poses where she’s leaning over, across a chair or a table- she can balance on her dick. WTF, Playboy being a men’s magazine doesn’t mean you should be showing pictures of men.

You want me to believe she’s hot? I have an easier time believing her pop legitimately slammed Andre the Giant.

Her VH1 show is called “Brooke Knows Best”, knows what best, how to deemphasize an Adam’s apple? How to find size 14 pumps? She’s her dad in a dress! Sorry, she’s not my cup of tea, I guess it’s because I don’t drink “Chicks Who Look Like The Hulkster” Tea.

What Sucks News…Lion Training Couple Releases Beautiful, Touching, Penultimate Lion Video

Don’t know if any of you have seen this on the web yet- it’s been around a while, but I thought it was so sweet and beautiful that these folks released their second to last lion video to the public.

I myself will be watching it over and over again and its availability on YouTube will ensure that the heart-warming shots in it will remain forever close to the heart, long after these filmmakers are killed in their next video featuring lions.

BLOG NOTE: Not to be a downer, but I did take the above clip completely out of context because I figured the sequel to that video would be called "The Unfortunate Lunch". The real story behind it is pretty interesting, check it out if you're interested, here. And here.

What Sucks Presents: Things That Would Be Better Parents Than Britney Spears- A What Sucks Photo Essay

Today, after a picture came out last week showing her kid grabbing a pack of cigs (and a lighter), presents a small list of things that better parents than Britney Spears.

A Wolf.

A Woodchipper.

A Downed Powerline.

An Extinguished Pilot Light.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

What Sucks…Adults on Sesame Street

I haven’t seen Sesame Street in a long time so maybe someone can tell me, has child services stepped in yet to take the kids away from these careless, irresponsible, reckless bastards?

I guess what I’m saying is…

“Hey Gordon, Bob, Maria and Mr. Noodle, if those are your real names, Count Von Count…

…is a fucking Vampire!”

I don’t know, maybe a little adult supervision would be nice, before some kid gets hurt and his parents end up suing both you AND the letter “S” for all you’re worth.

I saw the thing in Texas with the polygamists, Sesame Street has to be next, right? What, you can marry off an 11 year old but if you put one next to an 8 foot bird, its okay?

Someone please tell me that around the corner from Sesame Street there’s a white van with three cops inside monitoring surveillance equipment. Someone please tell me that right before The Count hit’s #5 on his count-list, right after the thunder rolls and the lightening strike- right before he snaps and makes a B-Line for some kid’s jugular, we’ll have a guy there with a wooden stake all set to take him out.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What Sucks...The Reaper

Estelle Getty, Sophia from The Golden Girls, RIP.

Hears hoping she gave the reaper as hard a time as she gave Blanche when he came to get her.

Thank you for being a friend. (That's from the Golden Girl's theme song.)

What Sucks…Offices In Frats

First off, I should state I wasn’t in a frat. When I was in college I had to go out and earn all my date rapes all by myself. There was no formal, college-sanctioned body to help me out. I did not have someone encouraging a girl to do a keg-stand 15 feet from my bedroom. So naturally, I’m not a huge fan of frats, but I will admit they do provide alcohol for young college girls and that allows them to lose the inhibitions put on them by society and religion and thus make it seem okay for them to kiss each other in public, often on dance floors, so I will respectfully acknowledge the good work they do.

That being said- I don’t get offices in frats.

I’ll give you “President”. I suppose the frat needs a face- someone to talk to the police, someone to decide if girls will be encouraged to drink grain alcohol or just straight out be given roofies when a vote is taken in the frat and there is a tie. But isn’t every other office in a frat overkill? What does the VP of a frat do? Can’t the President also be the Treasurer? And the worst, what the fuck does a frat need a “secretary” for? Is their correspondence going on? Is someone recording the “minutes” while the dude down the hall pukes on his balls because he drank too much?

What's gonna happen? Someone’s gonna walk into his office and be like "Take a letter...”

July 22, 2008

Bob "Fitzy" Fitzsimmons.
University of Nevada Las Vegas


Dude, what the fuck? Dude, I was so hammered. Dude. I was hammered. Dude. Duuuuuude. Dude.

In closing, bitches.

Yours in Christ,


P.S. Enclosure: a moose head with panties on his horns.

Monday, July 21, 2008

What Sucks…Circus Peanuts

Candy is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to make you smile. It gives kids fits because they love it so much that they try and eat as much as they can of it, then go crazy as sugar takes over their bodies and makes them insane savages for the next hour until it burns them out and leaves them in a collapsed, comatose state.

That’s what candy is supposed to do.

But WTF is a circus peanut? If it’s a candy- and it often is classified as such- who eats them? Who likes them? Are they ever not stale? Why are they seemingly only available in 24-hour gas station shop-marts and drug stores? Who are they being marketed to?

Something is up. We have a bad candy- that kids don’t like- that is never fresh- that is only sold in truck stops and drug stores- that are called Circus Peanuts. On top of all that- they don’t taste like peanuts. From everything I read (I’m not tasting these things for this study) they are banana flavored.

Why is there a market for stale, banana-flavored peanuts sold only at gas stations and drug stores?

And what’s the connection to circuses? I’ve been to circuses, I’ve had cotton candy- I’ve bought a light that I twirl around in a circle- but I’ve never eaten circus peanuts there. Shouldn’t they be sold at circuses?

If they’re in stores, someone must be buying them, right? But who? Have you ever been in a 24 gas station and the guy in front of you is getting circus peanuts for the road? Where is he going? Why won’t the Slim Jim just do? Have you ever been to a Rite Aid and watched someone pick up a pack after getting their prescription filled?

Some things that suck I don’t pretend to understand. Circus peanuts are one of those things. They must be stopped. They must be destroyed and removed off the face of the earth.

Friday, July 18, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Tour de France, Gas Prices, Britney Spears, Rock Band 2, Jesse Jackson

…The Tour de France

WTF? Is it me, or is there more juicing going on here than at a Smoothie King being run by Jack LaLanne? (That's not a rhetorical question, commenters!) It’s a 21 stage bike race that covers over 2200 miles- it’s okay if you finish it in more than a day.

…Gas Prices

Just awful. I drove by a Hess station the other day- Regular was 4.38, Plus was 4.55 and Supreme was “If You Have To Ask, You Can’t Afford It”.

…Britney Spears

Forget about what it says about you as a parent that you give sole custody of your kids to K-Fed, think about the precedent this sets for the upcoming cases “Electric Eel V. Young, Single Mom Who Likes To Party.”

…Rock Band 2

This thing looks amazing- there’s an actual G&R song on it from “Chinese Democracy” in it, but in order to play you have to unlock a code that will make the guy singing lose his mind, fire everyone and get dread lock plugs.

…Jesse Jackson

Using the “N” word and threatening to rip off Obama’s nuts? Yeesh. Could have been worse for Obama though, at least he didn’t endorse him! (You can use that one, folks- but pretty soon, I’m gonna be asking for a little pay pal action for this gold!)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

What Sucks…The World’s Greatest Dad

For years I have been calling for greater supervision as to who gets these T-shirts and how they are awarded, and now you see why.

For those of you who didn’t see this on the net, numb-nuts (pictured above) was arrested for trying to engage in sex with a minor AND this T-Shirt is what he wore to meet up with the kid.

I admit sometimes I just grab the first thing in the draw but come on, it doesn’t occur to you as your leaving the house to go fuck a kid that you should maybe change your shirt? Why not dress up as Santa Claus next time?

Either this guy was at one time the “world’s greatest dad”, or this is a stunning indictment on how far we’ve fallen as a nation of dads.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What Sucks...Jib Jab

I can’t really think of anything less funny than this video right now. Baby seals being beaten? Children getting TB? Carlos Mencia? (NOTE: don’t click on those links- very disturbing.) I’m at a loss.

Let’s try an experiment. Show this video to your friend. Then tell them…

“149 acres of rainforest are lost every minute, globally.”

Which got more laughs? You or the video?

Let’s raise the stakes a little- show someone else the video. Then tell them…

Tobacco use, which is highly preventable, can be directly linked to 18.1 percent of total deaths.”

Are you still getting more laughs than “the jab”? Me too. Crazy huh?

Let’s go for broke- roll the video...

And now hit them with…

“Every day, almost 16 thousand children die from hunger-related causes. One child per 5 seconds.”

You have to be hearing more crickets than that Jib-Jab video, right? Wait, don’t tell me.

In closing, let me say I’d rather see a spot on my X-ray than another one of these Jib-Jab videos. Or a hair in my food. Or an Adam’s Apple on a date.

And seriously, if they got to use Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin" without having to pay for the rights to use that song, there's something wrong with our parody laws.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What Sucks…New Yorker Magazine

Hey snobs, you’re not helping. Unfunny covers? What, are you branching out? Stick to the unfunny cartoons! (Say that out loud, then turn to the guy in the cubicle next to you and Hi-5 them- you, my friend, are the king of the world!)

Oh, I’m wrong? The cartoons are funny? Then what the fuck is this (below)?

What Sucks…Meet Dave

Holy box office poison. I don’t want to date myself but I’m older enough to remember when Eddie Murphy made cool movies. More people have seen Mullah Omar than this thing.

What Sucks…Mini Me Sex Tapes

Memo to sex tape makers the world over. Sex tapes should contain things we WANT to see. Their function should be one where “arousal” can in fact, be possible. As a general rule, they should NOT be the thing of nightmares. They should not, through their release, force Satan to rethink the stuff he would show you in the 8th circle of hell.

Monday, July 14, 2008

What Sucks…The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest (For Most Of The Outside World)

(Part of the "Some stuff I missed from last week" series.)

Like Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” and “What Would You Do?”, Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest is somewhat popular here. It’s on TV (ESPN), a bunch of people show up to watch it live (Coney Island), and it’s usually the last story on your local news, after they’ve told you about whatever local politician in your town was busted with a hooker this week.

But outside of the US, this thing garners headlines and HUGE ratings where people are starving and can’t fucking believe what they are seeing. Don’t take it from me- read some of the headlines...

I understand the dude who won, Joey Chestnut- who ate 64 hot dogs in 12 minutes said after his victory that he was “going to Disney World…to throw up.”

What Sucks...The Reaper

Courageous, classy and beloved New York Yankee Bobby Murcer passed over the weekend. Whether it was in the booth as an announcer or on the field as a clutch hitting outfielder, Bobby Murcer will always have a place in the hearts of Yankee fans. His brave stand against cancer was inspiring and his Oklahoma twang and friendly smile will be missed.

Among the many great moments he had on the field was his performance in 1979, in the first game the Yankees played without their captain, the great Thurman Munson. After delivering a eulogy at Munson's service, Murcer knocked in 5 runs, including two in the bottom of the ninth to win a nationally televised game against the Orioles.

RIP, Bobby Murcer.

Friday, July 11, 2008

What Sucks…Madonna And A-Rod (Redux)

Sorry, I know I’ve been harping on this but I still can’t fathom how A-Rod will be giving up ½ of everything he owns because he had to be with Madonna.

A-Rod, say it ain’t so! It’s a big misunderstanding, right? You only met her when you were helping an old lady across the street, and that old lady turned out to be Madonna.

What are you thinking? I don’t want to say she’s ancient but she’s had songs on the compilation albums Now 22, 8, and “Negative 5”!

She’s kissed both Jose Canseco and Britney Spears in their respective primes.

For Christsakes, the crabs she has now are 4th generation!

For a while she told everyone she was “Ester” and then someone named ESTER was a huge whore.

Enough already. I know, she’s the queen of reinventing herself but there’s a big difference between “Who’s That Girl?”, “Blonde Ambition”, and “Lady Who Uses a Walker To Get To The Next Guy She’s Blowing”.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

What Sucks…The Media Obsessed With Old People “Doing It”: Perv Watch V.21

Excuse me, media? Ahem, excuse me, the venerable Washington Post, CBS News, ABC News and MSNBC? Sorry to bug you while you’re reporting on septuagenarians getting it on – I know you clearly want us to know that they are “F-ing”, and also enjoying “F-ing”, but I thought I’d just let you know, you’re pervs.

Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a war on now- or one whose legally was questionable- then you wouldn’t have to tell me how geezers are really “getting some trim” these days. Or better than that- what if there was an environmental disaster looming and the leadership of the world was doing nothing- then you probably wouldn’t have to report on grandmas who are constantly getting “boned”.

Oh wait a minute, those things ARE happening, and yet you still chose to tell us about those who use walkers, who also happen to be “throwing a hot dog down a hallway”*.

Once again, only US News And World Report has chosen to cover this responsibly.

*denotes a term given to me by a sick dude who works next to me.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

What Sucks…According to Jim

No truth to the rumor that when I get home late and realize I haven’t posted yet I throw up a clip of “According To Jim”, but come on, let’s face it, this show sucks- to use the parlance of our time- “serious monkey dick”.

Take this particular clip. So much wrong here, but I’d like to shine the retard spotlight if I could on Jim. Seriously, watch the clip – it’s only a 1:19- I’ll wait. Watch it? Good…

Who the fuck opens potato chips like that? What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Is he having a stroke? I know violent retards who are not allowed to handle kittens unsupervised because they don’t know their own retard strength who have more social grace. Someone taze that asshole. Sloth from The Goonies acts more human.

According to Jim, assholes are allowed to crush potato chip bags and pour them into bowls. By the way- if he’s such a “man” what’s he eating out of a bowl for? Use the bag, you fucking douchenut.

And what’s with the rest of that mongoloid family? Where’d the grow up- in that town from The Hills Have Eyes? That poor sonnavabitch son can’t pour a glass of milk, and the monkey daughter is left to climb on the kitchen cabinets and throw a plant to the ground. Somewhere Nell is signing “Dude, who raised you?”

And nice touch having the mom walk into the scene at the end and grab a bottle of booze. Get used to it whore, alcohol is your only respite- but then again, you married Jim, so its hard to have any sympathy for you.

What a piece of shit this show is- seriously- I tried to TIVO it the other day and my DVR said "you're shitting me, right?"

According to Jim
is on Tuesdays at 8!

Monday, July 07, 2008

What Sucks…A-Rod

The following is a list of words I don’t want associated with my third baseman or the New York Yankees.

- Madonna
- Kabbalah
- Jewish Mysticism
- 3 for 19 against the Indians in the 2007 playoffs.
- 1 for 16 Vs. Angels in 2006 playoffs.

- Huge fan of Morrissey.
- Absentee Dad

Do I really want to wait around until I hear that this guy is a huge fan of Morrissey? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Madonna? You’re about to make your wife the 3rd highest paid player in baseball for a 50-year-old skank who thinks she’s British?

And apparently, you didn’t even have sex with her. What kind of guy can’t close the deal with Madonna? The woman’s bed as a turnstile next to it (© Joan Rivers, 1989). At a recent gynecological exam she was mistaken for the Holland Tunnel (© Joan Rivers, 1889). She’s the only person who looks at the 1989 Detroit Pistons and says “Need him, got him, need him, got him, got him…” (© Joan Rivers 1789)

Since A-Rod has joined the Yankees, the Red Sox have won two, 2!, World Championships. It’s bad enough I have to hear about that from those insufferable a-hole Boston fans (many of them fine, upstanding people, many of them not) but now I have to be taunted because the third baseman on the greatest franchise in the history of sports decided to blow off his wife for a se

This year the Yankees have grown porn star mustaches, worn thongs, but never have they sunk to these depths. Being a Yankee means something. It means a lot of things. It doesn’t mean banging an ol’ hag who once tried to get the world to wear conical bras.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Wii Fit, The Economy, Angelina Jolie, Gas Prices, A-Rod and Madonna

…The Wii Fit

Should a video game console be this widely praised? Promoting exercise, getting families to play together- what’s the next Wii gonna be? A Book? If I wanted to exercise this much I wouldn’t be playing video games!

…The Economy

I don’t want to say the economy sucks but the only growth sector in jobs is guys who change gas price signs!

...The Angelina Jolie Birth Watch

Can we leave this alone please? She’s giving birth, who cares? What is this, “Children of Men”? I’ve said it before, this entire thing is so that you can see her brand new mommy-boobs!

…Gas Prices

How far out of hand are we going to let this get? I saw a guy the other day get turned down for buying some “Super” because he didn’t have a co-signer.

…A-Rod and Madonna

I only found out about this possible couple today because I googled the words “old”, “overrated”, and “doesn’t hit in the playoffs”. By the way, who would you rather have, Lenny Kravitz at 42 or Madonna at 100? A-Rod loses again!

What Sucks Flash Poll Asks What Body Part Americans Will Most Blow Off Themselves This 4th Of July!

In the latest What Sucks Flash Poll (to the right, scroll down a little) asks the 400 or so people who page view this blog everyday (yes, up from 32 only almost 2 years ago!) to predict which body part will be most blown off by people lighting fireworks or otherwise this 4th of July weekend.

Choices include “Fingers”, which has to be the favorite, “Hands” which is expected to be a contender (if a hand is blown off, it will not count for fingers) “Boobs” which is an underdog, but hey, who knows, this year could be a strange one, and “Other Privates” which covers everything except “boobs”, male or female. A rare 5th choice was added as well, do to a great performance last year and popular demand, "Faces".

Afetr the weekend, I’ll do a google-news search with the terms “Fingers” “blown off” “4th of July” and so on for each of the contestants to see who was wrong, and who is typing with a pencil in their mouths.

Vote it up people- and if you have a feeling this year will have a lot of “Firework/ Boob” incidents, don’t be shy!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

What Sucks…A&E

Balls. Huge ones.

For those of you who are not TV big shots, the image above is the “For Your Consideration” box set often sent out by networks to TV big shots around the country (LA and NY) in order to get them to vote for a show for Emmy consideration.

Now take a closer look at the box set A&E sent out this year. You’ll notice they are making a serious run for the Emmy given out for having “Pumpkin Sized Balls”.

You see it, need a closer look?

Really, A&E, you want me to consider “Cris Angel: Mindfreak” for an Emmy? Is there an Emmy for “Best Use of Mascara on a Dude”? And “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels”? A show about Gene Simmons’ family named after his balls? You think that’s Emmy material. Oh wait, of course it is, because you also want to nominate “Dog The Bounty Hunter”? For what award, “Best Racist”? The guy uses the “N” word more than DMX for Christsakes. If as a bounty hunter he was asked to go out and find a gigantic racist, he’d bring himself home.

You have gigantic balls. Bill Kurtis needs to investigate the size of your nards, seriously.