Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What Sucks…Jobs That Suck: R. Kelly’s Defense Attorney


You think your job is tough? I’m talking specifically to those among my readership who work as Coast Guard Rescue Divers (like Kevin Costner in coast guard training/ homo-erotic classic “The Guardian”), Sandhogs (who’s job it is to dig tunnels for coal miners), and writers for Craig Ferguson.

None of you have a gig tougher than this dude.

I actually got a chance to go to the courtroom the other day and it turns out the stenographer had left some of the transcript in her stenography machine. I managed to read this much…

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

…in a short time you may see what you think is a video tape of my client peeing on a 14 year old girl. You may believe you are clearly seeing his face, as he does #1 on her. I ask you to not make a judgment on that however until all the facts are in.

The facts are, well, ah, did you ever see the movie “Little Man”? You know, the Wayans Brother film in which one of the Wayans Brother’s heads is put on the body of a dwarf and everyone in the film pretends that he can pass as a baby?

…Ah, can you read that back to me?

COURT REPORTER:
Ah…“You know, the Wayans Brother film in which one of the Wayans Brother’s heads is put on the body of a dwarf and everyone in the film pretends that he can pass as a baby?”

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
Ah, yes thank you. Well, ah, something very similar happened here. As a matter of fact, my client- who is responsible for the Trapped in the Closet, all 22 mini-episodes of it- and who was married to Aaliyah when she was 15 and who by many accounts carries with him a giant bag of porn with him everywhere he goes, is simply the victim of some very angry CGI effects artist who just couldn’t leave R. Kelly alone.

I ask you to find for my client and to send a message to angry CGI effects artists everywhere- we will no longer be victim to you putting our heads on the bodies of people peeing on young girls. Thank you. For our first witness, I’d like to call to the stand, one of the Wayans brothers, preferably Shawn…

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