Monday, June 30, 2008

What Sucks…The “Elitist” Charge Against Obama

So is this the argument the right is going to try and make about Obama? That he’s an elitist?

Noted douchebag Karl Rove said the other day that Obama was the guy at the country club who has a Martini and is with a hot date making comments about people as they pass by.

A few weeks ago, extremely underrated douchebag David Brooks made an appearance on MSNBC claiming Barack Obama wouldn’t know his way around an “Applebees salad bar”. As it was later reported, Applebees does not have salad bars.

Hey right wing a-holes, it’s very hard to paint a black guy as an “elitist” in the context of a country club. Change your metaphors! It’s difficult for African Americans to get into many of them much less hang out there and ignore the common man while drinking a Martini.

And do we want a guy in the White House who regularly eats at Applebees? Or places that have salad bars for that matter? We just elected a guy who people would like to have a beer with and people are losing their homes, gas is 5 dollars a gallon and New Orleans was swallowed up by the sea.

What Sucks... Olympic Wrestling

Pro-Wrestling? Awesome. No doubt. But sometimes I think- where’d it come from? How’d it start?

It must have come from “real wrestling” or “Greco-Roman” wrestling, which means somewhere along the line someone must have been watching “Olympic Wrestling” and said “This would be much better if it were fake.”

“THAT guy needs some face paint and that guy needs a mask.”

“Nice take down- now hit him with a chair!”

I feel bad for Olympic wrestlers. These guys are amazing athletes who train very hard but what does it say when your sport is not as cool as a fake version of your sport?

What Sucks…George Carlin Dying (A Note About Last Week)

One more goodbye before we head into the new week, for the great George Carlin. There aren’t many things in this life that don’t suck, George Carlin was one them and he will be missed.

Right now, as a society, we’re kind of down to Mariano Rivera, the convertible, Bruce Springsteen and when done right, the bikini.

Our first full week without ya, George- you’re missed.

Friday, June 27, 2008

What Sucks Salutes…Women With Bad Taste In Men!

…The wife of Josef Friztl! Oof. Who'd she turn down, a jackal?

…Laci Peterson! Yikes.

…Anne Hathaway! Couldn’t find a bigger cheese-dick if she went to the seldom used “Cheese-dick”.

…Silda wall Spitzer AND Ashely Dupre Both came from different sides of the track, both picked a loser, both will be/ got paid.

…Saddam’s Wife! This guy wasn't well hung- BOTH meanings!

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Gas Prices, Russian Dressing, “It’s Complicated”, Imus, Scientists

…Gas Prices

How high are we gonna let these things get? The other day I saw a guy order “ultra” and the gas station attendant had to go into a cellar to get it.

…Russian Dressing

Mayonnaise and ketchup! Hey Russia, I’m not impressed- throw an herb in there! Get a real dressing!

…“It’s Complicated”

I’ll say it- if you watch this show you’re only a slightly better person than Denise Richards.


Imus may not be the most racist guy on the radio, but he’s definitely the most racist skeleton wearing a wig on the radio. Look at this dude, Jeezus. Hey Imus, tanning salons called…seriously, they called – go check them out.


Hey Scientists! Give the chocolate a break for a second- do us a favor- start research on an alternative fuel, huh? After that, hit up maybe curing a disease or something- I’ll let you know when you need to start looking more into “Cocoa”.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

What Sucks…Madonna’s Younger Brother’s Tell-All

So Madonna’s younger brother, Christopher Ciccone is gonna release a tell-all confessional about his sister and his publishing company is going to do a first printing of 350, 000 copies.

Here are a few zingers you can use about this book at your company’s water cooler. And if you work for a water cooler company, you can say these things when you go to your desk to work for 15 minutes. (That one was for you, folks at Spectrum!)

These also work if you should run into Madonna’s brother at a UFC Fight or something.

“Tell-all? Unless you have video of her fucking ET in front of the skeleton of Eleanor Roosevelt while flying on a magic carpet, that book is a ‘Was-Told All’”.

“A book about Madonna? Is it coming out on hardcover, or its original ‘Bathroom wall’?”

“A Madonna book? I heard the foreword is a shot of Penicillin.”

“I heard it’s that same old story, you know boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl F’s the 1996 Portland Trailblazers…”

“I heard Oprah put it in her book club and her book club came home pregnant, smelling of Latino men.”

What Sucks…The Supreme Court

Nice day at work yesterday, douchenuts. Seriously, take a bow.

Aside from going out of your way to ease the mind of peds, making it clear that they can’t be put to death for fucking kids, you ALSO cut a major break to Exxon-Mobil, slashing what a previous court said they had to pay for ass-ramming the coast of Alaska in the Exxon-Valdez spill of 1989.

Seriously, and I thought I fucked up at work yesterday when I sneezed and absent-mindedly put my hand into this jar we have in the break room filled with M&M’s (I just got over TB).

The Supreme Court yesterday took the original penalty Exxon had to pay for the Exxon-Valdez spill- 2.5 billion (which at one time was 5 billion) and cut it to $500 million, or basically what it costs to fill the tank of a Winnebago.

The same Supreme Court that talks about “respecting precedent", and not legislating from the bench, etc.

Personally, I’d much rather have to money I spend to fill my tank go to buy some oil executive a new watch than to get some poor sonnavabitch oil covered duck (see logo) cleaned up. It’s good to see a company like Exxon-Mobil get a break.

How much worse off would we be if these dickwads were all fired and replaced by the actual Supremes? At least the opinions would be interesting to read.

So stay tuned, today the SC can fuck us even more as it rules on gun control. And when you’re at work today, and you accidentally delete your bosses’ expense account file, or slip up to his wife that he’s boinking his secretary- or if you are the secretary he's boinking and accidently give him the clap, don’t worry so much about it. You didn’t take a dump on the body of a dead, oil soaked duck, and you didn’t, you know, say peds couldn't be given the death penalty for "F-ing" a kid.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What Sucks…Google News Offers Comfort To Peds

(Click to enlarge)
Pedophiles who have “Google News” as the default page for their browser smiled a little today when Google News trumpeted what has to be considered good news to them.

“Yeah, other than a new Game Stop that opened up down the block the other day, this was definitely something that turned my frown upside-down.”, said one perv wearing a Member’s Only jacket.

Said another depraved perv, “I’ll never forget where I was when I got the google alert telling me that the death penalty couldn’t be used to kill me- I was on the net, on Myspace, trying to talk to a kid.”

What Sucks…Anne Hathaway

This dude? WTF?

No credit to Anne Hathaway this morning for dating some dude named “Raffaello Follieri” (sounds like the bad guy in LA Confidential) who was busted yesterday by the feds for fraud, thus entering Hathaway into the pantheon of noted hot chicks who date douchebags.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m all for criminals dating hot chicks. Some guy steals 60 cars in one night he deserves a hot girlfriend- “Angelina Jolie hot” as a matter of fact, but this guy was busted for essentially telling millionaires that he had connections in the Catholic Church and could hook them up with properties the Church was looking to “flip”.

That’s it. Fraud involving the idea of flipping properties. That’s the guy who gets Anne Hathaway? I don’t expect her to be single for long by the way- before you know it she’ll be jumping into the sack with some dude who is known to Jaywalk.

Follieri apparently hired two priests to dress up to make it look like he had connections deep into the Vatican and of course, “collapsed in the custody of US Marshals”, (read: fainted) when the judge announced his bail would be 21 million dollars. Cops pulled him out of his Trump Tower apartment at 6 in the morning yesterday and good thing they did too- I heard the Mystery Machine were about an inch away from blowing the whole thing wide open.

What a weak-ass crime. Anne Hathaway let this dude see her naked and the best he can do on a “bad-ass” scale is come up with some hair-brained scheme to steal money from millionaires who thought he had a connection to the Vatican? That shit is weak when you consider what your average guy would be willing to do- I know dudes with families who’d gladly knock over a gas station and kill everyone in there to get with her. I personally will kill the guy who immediately makes my iced tea when he sees me walk into the Dunkin Donuts near my job every morning just for her to say hey to me and smile. (Just kidding dude, in case you’re reading- the place has free wi-fi.)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

What Sucks…Celine Dion

Like fascism, suckage, unchecked, will advance steadily across territory and space, consuming everything in its path. Its unyielding expansion must be met head on and defeated at every turn. If not, you will have what we had in the early part of WW2, or what neo-cons thought we’d have if we didn’t stop Saddam Hussein or what we’re having now as Celine Dion thinks it’s okay to cover AC/DC in her concerts.

Yesterday Total Guitar Magazine named Celine’s take on “You Shook Me All Night Long”, worst cover ever. Sadly however, as the song was first performed by Celine 6 years ago at some VH1 Divas Live show (I’m just finding out about this right now) the damage may have already been done. Alas, just because something took place 6 years ago, and sucked, doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed, therefore…

Why was this allowed to happen? Look at the clip on YouTube- there appears to be a crowd there who are cheering her on. Are these the same people who (Spoiler Alert!) cheered for Nicholas Cage to be burned at the end of Wicker Man? This clip is an abomination in the eyes of God!

Celine Dion is a very skinny woman with a very large, round head. From distance she looks like an alien. Also, she is married to a dude who is really, really old, who knew her when she was 12. And, on top of that, she’s Canadian. Her doing a cover of “Shook Me All Night Long” never should have been allowed. In order to cover that song, someone should have had to in fact shake you all night long, there’s no way the septuagenarian Celine Dion married shakes anything all night long, unless of course you count his privates during the 12 to 14 times per night he gets up to pee.

Canada has a lot to answer for musically- Bryan Adams, Nickelback and the weird looking Rush (relax, I've seen them 3 times myself) and now this.

Monday, June 23, 2008

"Fuck Mickey Mouse, fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick..." George Carlin

Hard to understate the importance of George Carlin. He's a big chunk out of one of his most underrated specials "Back In Town".

George Carlin RIP

"Today, while eating my Rice Crispies, I distinctively heard "Snap, Crackle, Fuck you!"

"And where did he (Dan Quayle) get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles for Christ sake! Let me ask you something, does he actually have to fuck that women! Huh? God help him, I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick! That's my political humor. People like it when you're topical."

"You know what no one ever talks about anymore? Pussy farts."

What Sucks...The Reaper

Sorry, nothing but Carlin today...

What Sucks...The Reaper

The world is much less funny today with the unfortunate passing of the great George Carlin, Sunday, at the age of 71. He was a major voice in the war against bullshit and suckage and he devoted his life to making people laugh. He performed countless times over his 50-year career winning various awards and releasing 14 HBO Stand Up specials. Much more than that however, his voice redefined stand up comedy and his body of work will always be mentioned with that of Richard Pryor as the pinnacle of what stand up can be.

His passing is a huge loss for the world of comedy and society in general. Personally, I saw Carlin perform a couple of times, once Club Bene in New Jersey, which as anyone who’s ever been there can tell you, is a shithole, and once at the Beacon. Carlin brought the same level of professionalism to both gigs even though one was directly in conjunction to a special he was taping and the other was in the back woods of New Jersey.

He will be missed. George Carlin, RIP.

Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.

Friday, June 20, 2008

What Sucks…Time Magazine, Japan, “Elder Porn”

What the fuck is wrong with Japan?

What is it about this mysterious land of the east that is the world’s 3rd or 4th biggest economy, an exotic combination of rich, centuries long tradition, and cutting edge technology, that makes you think 45 percent of the guys over there RIGHT NOW are sticking their dicks in an in-wall vacuum cleaner socket?

It’s like “Perv-a-palooza ‘08™” every day over there.

And hey, Time Magazine, Japan does not need any encouragement from you. It’s not like Elder Porn over there needs you to shed some light on it- its not like it is sagging or anything. Well, it is sagging of course, that’s kind of the point, but I meant sagging in the in the sense of sales. I’m lost in a pun. Sorry.

The point is, sheesh, not to generalize but, good lord Japan is full of pervs. Don’t believe me? They recently put the letters “NSFW” on their 10 dollar bill!

What Sucks…The Guy In The Charger Who Throws Garbage At The Indian

Look, I understand this Native American man in this famous public service spot from the 70’s loves the environment.

He’s looking around- not crazy about our power plants and out highways. I see his point but we kinda need that stuff. Not everyone wants to have to take a canoe to get where they need to get.

Let’s face it- what’s is he doing in a canoe anyway? Where is he going by canoe? And yes, he sees some garbage in the stream he’s canoeing in, but you know, it’s nothing SO bad. A couple of newspaper pages and a soda can. I’m not saying I’m happy that stuff is there but it could totally be worse. And yes when he pulls his boat ashore he’s hit with some more trash- boxes, more soda cans- what looks like a plastic tarp. Not cool, but you know- that shit could totally be cleaned up.

I understand he may a “deep, abiding respect for the natural beauty that once was this country”, but giving me those guilt-ridden looks, I feel like, just come out and say what you’re trying to say already- the soda cans and cardboard boxes that ruined your canoe trip don’t belong to me- get out of my grill. You don’t have to walk the streets in your Native American garb, trying to canoe all over the place while the rest of us are driving.

But then the guy in the white Charger, or Malibu or whatever that is...

...COMPLETELY goes over the line and throws garbage.... his feet completely validating everything the Native American guy is thinking and it turns out, he’s right.

NO ONE deserves that – weird Indian dressed guy or not. Someone throws their Chinese food, or Jack-In-The Box crap at my feet, I may shed a tear too.

Hey guy in the Charger- join the human race!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

What Sucks…Bed Bugs

What separates the bed bug from other shitty insects? Well, to the non-scientist, one would have to say the fact that they tend to live in your bed and during the night, they come out to feed on your blood. To the scientist, well, pretty much the same thing.

Bed bugs suck. They really blow. They leave behind a nasty smell when there are a lot of them living together and often even a greasy mark. Like a tick, but without the charming anchors that borrow into your skin, the bed bug will transmit disease, but you don’t have to burn it off with a cigarette.

Nice animal God, what, did you come up with this one the same day you invented the act of keying a car and then had your car keyed?

And by the way, here’s why anyone who believes in a literal interpretation of the Bible is a completely full-of-shit-asshole. When The Lord told Noah to take two of every animal- in pairs because he was planning for a- and I’m quoting the Bible here- a “Big-Ass” flood” there is no “F-ing” way he took Mr. and Mrs. Bed Bug. Just is just no way. Why would he? Unless he was a major douchebag. (Also, why would he take the mosquito, the fly and the tick? ) So clearly, either the flood didn’t happen and the Bible is not meant to be taken literally, or the Bed Bug EVOLVED after the flood.

Oh, you disagree? Then Noah is a douchebag who brought onboard his ark, bed bugs.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What Sucks…These Songs For A Spinning Class Play List!

This is just a TERRIBLE set of songs for a spinning class. Where’s the beat- where are the songs you build momentum to? How do you end on Mean Mr. Mustard- that’s so weird.

The End by The Doors (11:40)
The Streak by Ray Stevens- Live Version (6:16)
Easy by Lionel Ritchie (4:18)
Court And Spark by Joni Mitchell (2:16)
Smile by Lilly Allen (3:17)
Lonesome Loser by Little River Band (3:56)
Monster Mash by Bobby “Boris” Pickett (3:12)
Kokomo by the Beach Boys (3:35)
The End (instrumental version) (8:17)
Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa (4:08)
Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg (4:28)
Yesterday by The Beatles (2:03)
Mean Mr. Mustard by The Beatles (1:06)

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Gas Prices, Amy Winehouse, The Mets, TBS, FX, ABC Family, Continental Airlines

…Gas Prices

We’re at the precipice of the gas wars. Get your shotguns now, in a week, it’ll be “Mad Max” time. I drove by a Hess station yesterday, not only did I see a $4 dollar gallon of gas- but the sign for Premium said “Check Out Our Fixed Rates!”

…Amy Winehouse

I’m reluctant to show pictures of Amy Winehouse on my blog these days because I believe it sends the wrong message…to undertakers. She’s not dead, folks let’s stop teasing the funeral home industry!

…The Mets

Nice job making Willie Randolph travel all the way to the west coast only to get fired at 3:15 AM Eastern Time after a win. Not saying he didn’t deserve to get canned, just saying Saddam’s execution was handled more smoothly.

…Various Cable TV Stations (TNT, ABC FAMILY, TBS, FX)

Can a-holes, can you guys play “Remember The Titans” a few more times, I keep forgetting the Titans. By the way, in the battle of who’s on cable more Remember The Titans is currently beating The Shawshank Redemption 31, 873, 213 to 31, 873, 212.

…Continental Airlines

The article here says they are “studying” charging you for your first bag. “Studying”. I’m “studying” never getting on your plane again- you’re gonna charge me for my bag? Really? You realize to go to your hub I have to go to Newark, right? And you're still gonna charge me for my first bag? How do your planes even take off with the weight of such huge balls?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What Sucks…Reducing Breast Sizes in Video Games!

In what could be a very dangerous precedent, Funcom, which is the publisher of the new MMO “Age of Conan”, has reduced, yes REDUCED- you’re reading that correctly- the size of their female avatar’s breasts within the game.

Admittedly, I do not play the MMO games but I do join the MMO gamer community in asking, seriously, WTF?

If anything I would think an INCREASE of breast size would be appropriate. Have we not steadily made advances in design? A reduction comes as a tremendous surprise and has given rise to a chorus of voices who are speaking out against it.

What, are avatar’s getting sore backs? No. They aren’t, they are imaginary and therefore their backs CAN’T hurt.

Lookit, one of the reasons people play video games is to look at female avatars with giant breasts and their presence has a long, time honored, tradition. DOA Volleyball, Lara Croft for Christsakes- she had boobs so big and round that the actress they got to play her in the movie, Angelina Jolie, had to add padding to her bra- and SHE HAS AMAZING, WONDERFUL BREASTS!

I mean look at those things!

This reduction thing is an outrage. It needs to be gotten to the bottom of! (Already I'm seeing Funcom do more backpeddling than at a Polish bicycle race!) I do however, have faith that the gaming community will hit this head on. Already the venerable Kotaku has hit the story up, among others, and perhaps the great Geoff Keighley, (the Edward R. Murrow of dudes who love video games) will do an expose on this and by the end of the week all of us to march on EA’s headquarters in San Matteo.

No Enormous, Conical Breasts, No Justice, No Peace!

What Sucks News…1st Same Sex Marriage Offers Stark Reminder: Not All Lesbians Hot

Perhaps lost in all the hoopla of the legalization of same sex marriage in California is that not all lesbians are hot. Never was this so true as when longtime lesbian activists Phyllis Lyon, 84 and her partner Del Martin, 87 were the first to be married at San Francisco’s City Hall Monday.

The ceremony, which was a beautiful public acknowledgement of a loving relationship that has spanned 50 years, was noticeably without gentle, stress relieving backrubs and glasses of wine. Neither of the participants whispered “We really shouldn’t be doing this...” and neither came upon a country lake, wanted to swim, realized they had no bathing suit and then playfully skinny-dipped with each other.

Said one male witness looking at his watch, “Yeah, this is no big deal at all…” before realizing he had to “…get back to work.”

The short service left many men wondering- were there really lesbians there as the phrase “Whoo!” was scarcely heard.

As for the couple, each woman pledged to love the other for the rest of their life, or until late next month, whichever came first.

Monday, June 16, 2008

What Sucks...These Dads!

Take a bow these dads, you're really an example of what Father's Day is all about- WHEN IT HAPPENS TO FALL ON OPPOSITE DAY!

Here's hoping that while the rest of us were honoring our dads no one was buying any of these jag-offs ties, tools or anything for their backyard grills. Take a look at the above clip- you’ve probably seen it a bunch of times before, unless you’ve been spending the last year editing packages for the “Dad of the Year” Awards, in which, I’m not so sure it will be shown.

…Hulk Hogan

There was a time when many would have thought it pretty cool if the Hulkster was their dad. Those days are over. I was willing to give the Hulkster a pass for having a daughter who looks so much like him that if anyone thinks she’s hot it probably means they want to have Hulkamania run all over them and not in a good way BUT, now with your whining bitch-ass son putting some dude in a coma and then crying from jail about how unfair he’s being treated and your wife running around getting banged by a 19 year old, I have to say you are not worthy of a Fudgy The Whale Cake (Whale of a Dad!)

Plus, on top of all of that my wife tells me that when you wrestled, all your matches were fixed. Unacceptable.

…Joe Jackson

Nice job. Seriously, way to go, the only kid you have left who’s a viable member of society is Ms. Jackson (I call her that, I’m nasty). Your son Michael is now white. He shows up to court in pajamas, has owned a Llama and a monkey, wears a surgical mask wherever he goes (including MMA fights) and touches little boys. Also, he named one of HIS kids “Blanket”. Still, I’d probably rather hang with him than Latoya.

…Murry Wilson

Brian Wilson’s legendary abusive dad who lost an eye and I think used to show Brian the empty socket when he wanted to punish him (I heard that somewhere) is in not so rare form on this famous link here. Rumored to have hit his son over the head with a 2x4 causing him to lose hearing in one of his ears.

…Michael Lohan

It’s bad when you f-up so bad as a parent that your kids have to turn to Dina Lohan for parental services- doubly bad when you realize she takes a cut. You’re literally a worse parent than her- your kids could wander into that town in “The Hills Have Eyes” and be better off!

…Josef Fritzl

Yeesh. You have to think somewhere along the line this guy, who hid his daughter in a secret compartment of his basement for 24 years and repeatedly raped her, must have gotten a “World’s Greatest Dad” T-shirt once or twice in his 40-something years as a parent . Maybe that fact will finally stop us from giving out that T-shirt with impunity.

...George H. W. Bush

I'm not sure what's on that award you're looking at in this photo, you know the one being given to you by noted scumbag Ken Lay, but I'm pretty sure it's not the award for having at least two, probably 3 sons with their heads up their asses.

What Sucks…R. Kelly Getting Off (Both Meanings)

(By the way, I would gladly pay for this sketch and hang it in my living room. Anyway...)

What the hell is wrong with our justice system? A guy records himself peeing on an underage girl- after marrying a 15-year old, after releasing Trapped in the Closet- all 22 parts of it- then he brings up in his defense the movie “Little Man”, and he gets to walk?

Now I know what you’re saying- hey, the jury couldn’t be sure the guy on the tape was R. Kelly! Does that mean that if they’re right, someone out there is POSING as R. Kelly so he can do #1 on underage girls on videos? Either way, the country loses.

I think we need to re-examine the justice system. I mean if just one of the things in my first paragraph were true, I’d be scratching my head, but ALL of them? It’s time for an overhaul. Seriously, we have people in jail in this country for selling weed, right? But a kid-pee pee-er is allowed to go free and sing “I Believe I Can Fly” at various venues? This wasn’t even in Los Angeles where celebrity crime is legal- this was in Chicago!

To use the parlance of our times, WTF?

By the way, just to cover my bases…

What Sucks Bonus...

What Sucks...The Attack On R. Kelly!

TAKE THAT! You evil R. Kelly impersonators who go to all the trouble to stage a 27 minute sex tape but forget to CGI the mole on R. Kelly’s back! Justice may be blind, but in this case it can clearly see that you guys did not have the mole on R. Kelly’s back! Better luck next time when you try and frame NAS tossing the salad of a Llama!

What Sucks...The Reaper

As you’ve undoubtedly heard, Tim Russert, moderator of Meet The Press and NBC Washington bureau chief died Friday. Watching the coverage of Mr. Russert’s passing, on Father’s Day no less, his loss struck me as especially sad as in so many clips he seemed to be such a devoted dad.

Tim Russert, RIP at a very young age of 58.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

What Sucks...…One in Four New Yorkers Have Herpes! Perv Watch V.20

Take a bow New York, way to go. One in four of you have the "Big H". Nicely done. Look around in a subway, count off 4 people, one of them has herpes. If you're surrounded by 3 nuns, you have something to tell your sig other.

Well I hope you're all happy. Is this what you want? (Click to enlarge.)

What Sucks…Sex & The City

No spoilers here but a lot of people do want to know why this movie is 2 and a ½ hours long. Well, the answer is obvious- it has to be in order to fit the 4 (FOUR!) fashion show/ “change into different outfits” montages!

Four of them!

Okay, SPOILERS- masochists who plan on seeing this thing may want to skip a little here…

Yeah, I got dragged to this thing. And yeah I’m not happy about it, but am I going to get into a fight about it with my wife? Hell no. I’m gonna suck it up like a man and bitch about it on my blog.

Four changing clothes montages! FOUR!

By the way…they should call this thing “Sex, The City AND Low Self Esteem!”

Carrie is okay with being Big’s 4th choice as long as he builds her a big closet where she can keep all her shoes. Miranda, a successful lawyer who is slumming with a bartender dude passive aggressively denies him sex until he goes outside the marriage for it.

Of course both women are okay taking their men back. Of course, dick-addict Samantha, leaves the dude she’s with, who by all accounts seems to be treating her well, and had stuck with her through some tough times, because giving to him has stopped her from loving herself too much.

Look, I’d get into a more in depth review but I was listening to my iPod for most of the movie- until my charge ran out. Don’t tell my wife.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What Sucks…Red Tomatoes

Great. Now I have to worry about dying after eating a tomato? Awesome. Last year it was spinach, now tomatoes- it’s only by the grace of God that these vegetables haven’t realized that by combing forces they can kill us all.

Think about it, they don’t even need all the vegetables to get in line- basically, they’re just two veggies away! If corn and lettuce sign up- that’s it. That’s fucking it- we’re all dead.

What a shitty way to die by the way- croaking after eating a tomato. What do you say at the wake? It’s very awkward- it kind of throws a big damper on the whole, “Well, I guess when your number is up, it’s up…” line of thinking.

Really? It was my time? I thought it was just my time to eat a tomato.

I guess the only thing you can say is “I guess he’s in a better place right now.”

Yeah, a place where a tomato doesn’t kill you.

So often life imitates art.

What Sucks…Dicks On Backs

A freak genetic occurrence or evolution’s unmistakable message to man to start “f-ing” more with his back? Right now, doctors are leaning more toward the former although as far as I’m concerned, the jury is out.

I’ve given some thought to this for a good part of the morning and after a lot of consideration, I can find little advantage to this.

Having a penis on your back complicates a lot. It can’t easily be grabbed, one has to be more careful about lying down, and peeing now not only burns, but it also becomes quite cumbersome.

Nevertheless here are some pros and cons- feel free to add some of your own in the comment section. And of course, as always when I invite you to contribute, let’s see if we can do it without being racist!

Pros: Easier to imitate a shark while swimming.
Cons: If you lift something too heavy you now run the risk of “throwing out your dick”.

Pros: Now after you have sex and she says “what are you thinking about?” You can say, the fact that my junk is on my back.
Cons: A pat on the back at work can lead to sensitivity training and in extreme cases, a ruined shirt.

Pros: Gay sex becomes even more anonymous.
Cons: Being the second person in the “I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine” dynamic.

Pros: The Rub & Tug industry is completely transformed as “Back Rubs and Tugs” compete with plain ol’ rub and tugs.
Cons: If you’re fat, you now have 2 dicks you can’t see without a mirror.