Friday, May 23, 2008

What Sucks…Spiderman 3

Sponsored by Netflix- Netflx I wouldn’t know how bad this thing sucked, if it weren’t for Netflix!

So it's Memorial Day Weekend and Indiana Jones is opening and I'm gonna try and see the summer's big movie but it got me to thinking...

Every once in a while there comes a long a movie that doesn’t get enough shit for sucking. Now, last summer is kind of a blur to me now- I know I wore a lot of pajamas and walked around Hoboken introducing myself as the Mayor of Rhythm and the Secretary of Blues, and I also know that this movie was a disappointment to most who saw it. But until I recently caught up with it on Netflix, I had no idea how much it sucked. It left me almost confused- confused enough to have some questions…like say 25 of them or so about how much of a piece of shit this thing was. Questions like… (COULD BE SPOILERS IN THERE BUT YOU’VE ALSO HAD 12 MONTHS TO SEE IT!)

Was there really a dance number in there?
And did it really take place an hour and forty-five minutes into the movie?
Did the movie really start off with a scene about Kirsten Dunst’s Broadway career?
Did someone say somewhere along in the development of the movie “Hey, we should really start this thing off with Spiderman fighting one of these bad guys. Seriously, we have a guy here who’s made of sand. We really should start this movie off with a Spiderman V. Sandguy fight.” and then someone else in the room say, “No, I think we need to start off with Kirsten Dunst singing. You know, the film should start with some info about her career on Broadway.” Is that how it went down?
How did that 2nd guy win that argument?
Was there really at least 20 to 25 minutes devoted to MJ’s (Kirsten Dunst) singing/ Broadway career?
Did that engagement scene really happen?
Did MJ and Harry make an omelet together and then dance to the Twist?
What radio station plays “The Twist”?
Was Spiderman 3 a romantic comedy?
Did they shoot other stuff about MJ’s career and then leave it on the cutting room floor?
Is there anything, ANYTHING that a fan of Spiderman could POSSIBLY care less than, than MJ’s career as an actress?
Did a black colored Spiderman suit really make Peter Parker change the style of his hair and act gay as he waked down the street?
Did filmmakers think that in a film that spent about a billion or so dollars on special effects, that combing Toby Maguire’s hair down in the front and putting him in a dark suit was going to be enough to show us all that he was now an “anti-Peter Parker”/ bad-ass?
Sorry, if I seem to be harping here but, in a film that centers on a guy who has webs that shoot out of his wrists and can swing around from building to building battling super-villains, was there REALLY a dance scene?
Do you really have a bad guy made out of sand and actually go as long as 40 minutes in the movie between scenes with him?
No one has a problem that Topher Grace calls himself “Topher”, as if that has EVER been an acceptable nickname for Christopher? Call that guy Chris Grace!
In the extended directors cut, does Harry Osborn just finally admit to Peter Parker that he is in love with him?
So there was a surprise regarding Peter’s uncle’s death? Really? We missed that in the first movie? I thought that was covered pretty well, turns out the guy with the bleach blonde hair WASN’T entirely responsible? What happens in Spiderman 4, we learn OJ was at the scene too?
In the city in which Spiderman lives, are crimes ever committed by minorities?
Is Peter Parker really trying to make MJ jealous by dating Bryce Dallas Howard? Hey Spidey- you want to make her jealous, try dating someone other than the only star in Hollywood who less hot than Kirsten Dunst!
Did we miss any storytelling clichés in this film? We had “amnesia”, the whole “I’m only a bad guy because my daughter is sick” thing, the “hero finally realizes he’s a jerk when he physically knocks his girlfriend to the ground” scene, as well as “you don’t know the full story of the death of your uncle” sequence and finally the “bad guy tells girl to break up with her boyfriend” section. The only thing in this movie that we DIDN’T see before “dance scene in super hero film”.
Why are Harry and Peter so into Mary Jane?
How many times are we going to hear the “with great power comes great responsibility”?


Deb said...

How many times are we going to hear the “with great power comes great responsibility”?
I think they stole that from Yoda.

Mike Marsh said...

I actually knew a "Topher" before Mssr. Grace fulminated onto the scene.

But, yeah, the rest was spot-on.

Anonymous said...

Dad poisoned the minds of his children with his irresponsible television viewing choices.
Among other things.
Dad is liked, so expect the intent was not there. However, I suspect the same cannot be said for his wife.
Case in point:::Neighbor's driveway sidewalk chalk art consisted of a girl's name, a smiley face, other innocent, child-like offerings.
In our driveway our kids drew body outlines, like those one would find at a murder scene.
And all his son spoke of was guns, hunting and killing.
The father's irresponsibility was manifested in how the son spoke when he was younger. Just ask his former teachers.