Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What Sucks News…Cougars Disavow Cougars

In a stunning announcement that has rocked both the scientific and entertainment communities, actual cougars, the fierce, stealth and powerful biological cousins of the lion and tiger, today, in an unprecedented move for an animal, released a written statement distancing themselves from “cougars”, the name commonly used to describe older women, usually in their 50’s and 60’s who date younger men.

“We have nothing to do with old women wanting to have sex with younger men. We are beautiful, graceful animals- descendants of the Saber-Toothed Tiger and the 4th biggest cat on the face of the earth. The term ‘Boy Toy’ is meaningless to us.”

The statement went on to read “Collectively, we resent the use of our name in this matter and ask that its use in describing women who chase men who are way too young for them, be terminated immediately.”

The release has created quite a buzz in the scientific community. Said one zoologist, “The fact that Cougars can organize themselves and release a statement- apparently read and write- is obviously very exciting to us, and was unknown up until this point.”

Animal experts speculate the cougars’ statement was precipitated by a recent flush of “cougar” related themes in popular culture. The examining of older women who are sexually involved with younger men has been the subject of numerous books, the topic of a few Oprah and Tyra shows and most recently the subject of a “Two And A Half Men” episode.

“Obviously, cougars had the gift of speech and have a previously unknown high level of intelligence. This recent influx of ‘old woman chasing and having sex with men who are young enough to be their sons’ trend clearly pushed them to the brink and they felt, collectively, it had become more important to defend their good name than to protect the secrecy surrounding their ability to write, and speak.”

The statement went on to say “Cougars stalk their prey, yes, but that prey is usually deer, elk and even at times, moose. Never do we engage in “tadpolling” and quite frankly, the thought of what that means, disgusts us. In conclusion, if you prefer ‘boinking’ an older woman who probably not only has kids but step-kids, over a young girl who’s breasts do not rest on her lap when she is sitting, we implore you, leave us out of it.”


Anonymous said...

So let me get this straight, it's okay for much older men to boink younger women but not the other way around????


Anonymous said...

no its perfectly fine. the fact that older women want to bone younger men isnt the problem, its the fact that no self respecting man should want to see boobs that go down to the ankles when there are 20 year old girls to slam.