Friday, April 18, 2008

What Sucks…When You’re On a Crowded Elevator, and Someone Says “Looks Like We’re On The Local”

Yeah, we’re on the local, cause, like, we’re stopping on every floor, I get it, right, you’re hilarious. Look, I don’t expect the people who ride the elevators with me to be Garrison Keillor (a national treasure) but can we be a little original in our attempts to be folksy, and retire this tired elevator bit? Experiment- say anything- ANYTHING would be better than the whole “LLWOTL” joke.

And just so you know, no, we’re not on the local, at least not in New York, unless you’re wearing bags on your feet and smelling like a combination of Subway Train and piss, and by the way Subway Train smells like piss so I’m saying piss twice.

Here are some suggestions I wouldn’t necessarily mind hearing in a crowded elevator stopping on every floor, if I knew I wouldn’t be hearing how it “looks like we’re on the local”:

- “My balls sweat indiscriminately- it doesn’t matter if its winter, spring summer or fall!”

- “How many people take Viagra because they’re sick of ‘F-ing’ their wives?”

- “Guess how many parts of my body have been inside my cat- hint, it’s more than 3!”

- “Pus! Seriously what word sounds more like the thing that it is…maybe phlegm, right?”

- “Clint Howard’s balls! Seriously, his balls!”


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Chris DeLuca said...

I love how someone robot-commented my blog, I guess doing a search on, what? Pus? Phlyem? Silly Robots.

Anonymous said...

You rock!!! Write on!!!

Anonymous said...

You seem to know a lot about elevators, so let me ask:
What is the optimal time to fart in a crowded elevator so that A) you leave the stink behind and B) you do not get blamed for it?