Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What Sucks...Perez Hilton’s Early Work

You say the name Perez Hilton to people today and they immediately recognized it as a “Super-Blogger” whose website gets millions of hits and who even has his own TV show. But Perez Hilton wasn’t always the huge success story he is now- as a matter of fact, some of his early work did not go over too well at all.

This was a time for national pride, and besides, why would anyone draw space antennae on someone in an actual spacesuit?

It just wasn’t one small step for man, one giant step for drawing jizz on people’s faces.

Adding to the confusion, 35 years before it happened, he was somehow able to see named “Katie Holmes”, before she was even born, yelling for help from planet earth.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Gas Prices, American Apparel, The Olympic Torch, FHM, Miley Cyrus

…Gas Prices

Gas prices continue to climb to all time highs. Things are so bad right now, country music stars are writing songs about trucks they’re carpooling in.

…American Apparel

What, am I shopping for clothes, or Eastern European runaways? A friend of mine used the dressing room here once and I didn’t see her again until two years later when she was in the background in the movie Hostel 3!

…The Olympic Torch

This whole “trying to extinguish the torch” stuff is gonna look pretty silly when the thing gets to China and it becomes impossible to light because the country has no Oxygen.

…FHM’s 100 Sexist Women in the World

WTF? Britney Making #100 on FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women? Are there only 100 women in the world? Who's # 101, Della Reese? And how the hell did Maggy Gllyenhaal get on this list- she’s not even the sexiest woman in her family (Jake!) By the way, Jennifer Love Hewit at #57? Maybe in 2002! What is this, a lifetime achievement award? And hey, FHM, unless you have proof, you have a guy at #60.

…Miley Cyrus Topless Photo In Vanity Fair

First Vanessa Hudgens sends nude pictures of herself from her cell phone, now Miley Cyrus is topless in Vanity Fair covered only by a sheet. These are the salad days for horny teenage boys- take a bow- you’ve come a long way from having to spank it to pictures of Daphne from Scooby Doo.

What Sucks…Austria

No one had any idea this guy was a psychotic rapist who trapped his daughter in his basement for 24 years? Look at him- guys who look like this should have their basements searched weekly!

By the way, this wasn’t the first time something like this happened in Austria. Hey Austria, enough with pulling the “We didn’t know…” card already. It’s a little played in that part of Europe. How badly do you value not getting involved in each other’s business? No one’s saying you need to have sleepovers or camping trips, but have a block party once in a while-

Local coverage is dealing with it as best they can:

Monday, April 28, 2008

What Sucks...Being A Baby In Some Parts Of India

Sometimes when I see a baby crying, I'll be like "What the hell are you crying about, baby? Your life getting you down? Tired of having everything done for you? Don't like me in your grill, baby?! You gonna cry? Pay rent, then come talk to me!" And by that time, I'm being asked to leave the Starbucks.

But after seeing the above, I have new respect for babies, at least ones from this part of India. By the way, what the hell gets you a visit from social services out there? I had no idea this went on, but now that I think about it I should have been suspicious when my brother called tech service for his Dell and had to wait on hold for 45 minutes while the guy on the phone, "Andrew", threw a baby off a roof.

Worst of all, what you see in the above is just another example of corporations outsourcing more jobs to India- don't believe me, check out the empty rooftops of once flourishing "tossing babies off roofs into sheets below" towns such as Youngstown, Ohio and Gary, Indiana.*

*or that industry could have been "steel".

What Sucks…A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila: Season 2

Is your TV complaining that it burns when it pees? That must mean A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila is back for season 2- and thank god, because I felt way cheated on season one with it’s focus on Chlamydia and genital irritation. This year, producers have promised we’ll finally get some urinary tract infections and possibly even open herpes sores.

Quick recap, at the end of last year’s Shot At Love, Tila selected Bobby- but unfortunately, that didn’t work out because Bobby is from a small town, and Tila is a whore. So season two starts off with Tila telling everyone that just because love doesn’t work out the first time, that doesn’t mean you should give up. Inspiring for anyone who’s ever had their heart broken, and an out and out challenge for scientists who one day will battle the Gonorrhea Super-Bug that will be this show’s legacy.

Spoiler alert, Tila kicks out about 15 people, one for doing too much research on her on the internet- sure, the girl in question is kind of a Myspace stalker, but in all fairness, it’s hard not to get Tila’s name in a google search, not only is she the “Queen Of Myspace/ the Net”, but her name also comes up when you search the terms “rashes”, “burning sensation” and “frothy discharge”.

A Shot At Love Season Two is on MTV 10PM Tuesdays!

Friday, April 25, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Star Jones’ Marriage, Dancing With The Stars, Red Vines, Rev. Wright, Amy Winehouse

…Star Jones’ Marriage

If these two lovebirds can’t make it, what does that mean for the rest of the women out there married to gay guys? The lesson to be learned here is clear- when you get gastric bypass surgery you always have to make sure they don’t also take out your “gaydar”. I know, I know- there’s no excuse for Star not knowing- I heard they first met at some other guy’s dick.

…Anyone Eliminated From “Dancing With The Stars” Before This Week

I admittedly don’t watch this show because I don’t like to be lied to by a show’s title (I love Lost by the way), but hey Monica Seles, Steve Guttenberg, Priscilla Presley and anyone else who was eliminated before this week- you suck! You were eliminated before Marlee Matlin was and she’s deaf. Can’t wait till you go on painting for the stars (I’m pitching it) and lose to Andrea Bocelli. (He’s blind.)

…Red Vines and Other Twizzler Knock Offs

Give it up, Redvines, you’ll never be Twizzlers. Lazy Sunday references aside, you suck! The licorice wars are over, Twizzlers win. What the hell is a “Redvine” anyway? Just go right to hell, you whores!

…People Still Pissed About Rev. Wright

Enough already! He said some things- he was/ is pissed. What, we’re NOT a racist country? We didn’t allow an African American to play major league baseball until 1947- and that’s a game!

...Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse was in a fight where she allegedly head-butted someone and was arrested for assault. What’s worse, the image above is the before picture.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

What Sucks Flash Poll: 3 Hours To Go, Clinton and Garner Pull Away From The Pack! UPDATE!

It is quickly becoming clear that readers of, when given the choice of who they would want to eat Body Sushi off of least, regard Hillary Clinton and James Garner with much more disdain than they do Comedian Eddie Griffin or former Olympic Gold Medalist Kerry Strug.

Do they know where Eddie Griffin has been? Look at this guy!


Hillary Clinton "wins"!

What Sucks…Pedophiles Running For Mayor

In a suck-free world, the headline above is never written.

What ever happened to just crooks and liars becoming our elected officials? I heard this guy dropped out because the city wouldn’t let his inauguration take place in playground! Instead of a limo, he was planning on using a white van! He said he figured he’d run for Mayor cause he had to knock on everyone’s door in the neighborhood and introduce himself anyway!

Come on everyone, join in with me-

- Looking back, the guy said it might have been a mistake for him to say his plan for childcare was to “get to second base”!

- The guy thought it was important plan for kids in local schools to “not testify”.

- Half this guy’s attack ads were against Chris Hanson!

- The dude’s poster’s were said “Brian Sliter- For Mayor, or Your Babysitter- Either way, you know, whatever!”

- The dude couldn’t wait to get on the campaign trail where he could “shake hands” and “tongue kiss babies”.

Go ahead- fill the comment section with zingers- it feels great! (Please don’t get as weird as the people who commented on the Polygamist post.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

What Sucks…Jason Castro Loves Weed Update

This week he told a national TV audience that he didn’t know Memories, (actually “Memory”) was sung by a cat. I'm kind of quoting him here, you know not exactly but, close.

So, could that statement have been made by someone who wasn't high? Sure, it's plausible. When Cats was being performed on stage in London or on Broadway, I can image someone leaning over in their seat and saying “Is that a cat singing this song?” and I’m sure it would have been a very legitimate question.

What Sucks Flash Poll: Who Would You NOT Want To Eat "Body Sushi" Off Of?'s latest flash poll engages readers as to whom they would LEAST want to eat body sushi off of- offering them a range of choices that fall between former First Lady and now Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton, octogenarian actor James Garner, comedian and star of “Undercover Brother” Eddie Griffin and dark horse candidate, former Olympic hero, Kerri Strug.

Body Sushi is the practice of eating sushi off someone’s body. Early indications say that Hillary Clinton could be in line for a huge win, however, will readers, faced with eating sushi off of her naked body or that of Eddie Griffin, be able to look themselves in the mirror after publicly proclaiming she would be worse than he? Or even octogenarian actor James Garner (Maverick, My Fellow Americans)? The poll promises to reveal a lot about the readers of this blog, and America in general.

What Sucks…Rockstar Games

All right, maybe they don’t suck, but doesn’t it feel like GTA 4 has been delayed for something like 80 years? Where the hell is April 29th, already? It's not really coming out, is it? Am I panicking or can I believe? Will there be another delay? I want to punch hookers- get me this game already!

Look, we all saw the trailer and it rocked and I’m sure the game will be awesome but it’s friggin’ taking forever! This is an emotional roller-coaster- video game companies like you are not supposed to “create drama”!

What is it, Rockstar? Why the delays? Is it about the PS3? Is it the different consoles you’re working the game for? I heard if you play this game on the Wii, the controller is an actual gun! Or is there something more? Are you gun-shy?

Are you afraid to release it because you’re such amazing artists and this game is so cool, your afraid it won’t be recognized for what it is? I can understand- a couple of years ago you released Vice City, and you were on top of the world.

Then you release “The Warriors”, a video game that was being called for by exactly 5 people worldwide, 4 of whom were involved in the film. But fine, the game turned out awesome. Sure it was based on a 26 year-old movie and sure you guys wrote and designed a shot for shot remake of the opening of the film along with an elaborate back-story about how Cleon (killed in the first 10 minutes of the movie) formed The Warriors but whatever the thing sold like 37 million copies, right? Hey, you believed in the project- I respect that- you have to grow as artists after all, Dylan plugged in, right?

Then you release Ping-Pong, which turned out to be…ping-pong. No violence, no hookers, just ping-pong. I played that game for 15 hours waiting for some hot coffee- but nothing. Would it have been that hard to make it so that you could have played against a hooker? No? Fine, it was a tribute of sorts to early gaming. I get it.

Then comes “Bully” and when the press went bad over the boy-boy kissing scenes, and sales weren’t outrageously successful, something snapped. It’s a confidence thing, isn’t it? You’re afraid.

It’s gonna be fine- release the game already! Do you realize that in the time it’s taken you to come out with this game, Detroit has become a worse city than the place you were designing? You’re getting lapped! Act like a man!

Did you know there was a game that came out this year called “Orange Box”? If the Rockstar I knew and loved released something with that title, it’d be about Lindsay Lohan’s vagina!

You’re becoming like Axl Rose, aren’t you? Tinkering, and tinkering, never satisfied- don’t make GTA 4 the video game Chinese Democracy!

GTA 4 drops April 29th!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Playboy, Heidiwood, Rudy From The Cosby Show

…Hillary Clinton

During this campaign we’ve seen her cry, lie and now, drink. Pennsylvania, let’s settle this soon ‘cause I don’t want to see her fuck. We’re electing a President here, not a “Whitney Houston”!

…John McCain

100 years in Iraq? Really? Look, I know the Democrat’s foreign policy skills don’t exactly set the world on fire, but you have to admit they’re better than McCain’s, who wants to set the world on fire!


Playboy will be searching for sexy Olive Garden waitresses for an upcoming photo spread. Really? What are you trying to make me read your magazine for the articles? What is this for the August, 200-YOU’LLNEVERFINDONE edition? Wood, RIP.


Add “fashion designer” to the things that Heidi Montag sucks at. By the way, that list includes “actress”, “singer”, “dancer”, “fashion designer” and of course, “person”. You get the feeling people rooted more for Eva and Adolph more than her and Spencer? Cause I do.

…Rudy From The Cosby Show

Stop dressing like that! Your TV father raised you better than that! Tyler Perry cast Keshia Knight Pulliam as a hooker in his next movie- “Madea Does Something Sassy”. Here’s something Madea can do- not ruin, sweet, wholesome Rudy! She is only to be seen like this!

Monday, April 21, 2008

What Sucks...Body Sushi: Perv Watch V.19

In’s continuing series on pervs who have a lot of money, (scroll down for the joke about the guy who paid 1.5 million for the Marilyn Monroe sex tape) today we look at the dude (usually some Wall Street A-hole) who pays $150 bucks (on the low end) to eat sushi off a woman’s naked body in a practice widely known as “Body Sushi”.

Now, not to generalize, but let’s face it, the Japanese are pervs. Don’t believe me, google “Japanese Game Shows” and “Naked Woman In A Pig Pen” and you get, well, more hits than you should. Also, they’re pretty much insane- click here. And here. And, well, just do the search yourself.

The reason I bring them up, Body Sushi came from them. Out there it’s called “Nyotaimori” but no matter what you call it, it begs on a few questions, like…

Question 1: How hard up for a woman’s naked body are you when you can’t wait till AFTER you eat sushi to go to a strip club and see a woman’s naked body? Sushi is expensive as it is, but shelling out a buck-fifty before you even get to order your Dragon Roll is insane. $150 dollar will go a long way in a strip club (ten, maybe fifteen minutes), and you’re just gonna throw it out there on someone you can eat a California roll off of? What a perv! Eroticism should never involve Spicy Tuna!

Question 2, and sorry if this sounds similar to question #1 but, who orders a maki-combo and says to themselves, “this would be better if I had wood.” Who?

Question 3, where do you put the Wasabi? That stuff, placed on the wrong part of the body can be deadly.

Sorry to be so harsh on the Japanese, but you don’t really see other cultures doing this with their food. I’m Italian, but I have never had, nor am I interested in “Body Chicken Parmesan”. I have many Irish friends, but never have any of them expressed any desire for “Body Corned Beef” and this isn’t even an Asian thing, as a google search for “Body Moo Shoo Chicken” reveals zero hits.

Hey pervs, eat Sushi off dishes, not people!

What Sucks...Snakes!

Normally on this blog you hear about snakes as they attack sheep, eat dogs in front of their children owners or explode after trying to eat an alligator. Today, we hear of a snake trying to kill the owner of the store in which it lives.

WTF is this snake thinking? Snake, if you kill the woman who owns the store in which you live, who is going to feed you, after you finish digesting the storeowner? Who’s gonna drop frightened little mice in your cage for you to stalk and then eat? What do you think you’re gonna do, just slither out the door and go out and live a normal life? You’re a 100 pound, 12 foot snake! You think you’re just gonna leave the scene of the crime, shed your skin and that will be it?

You’re lucky you weren’t shot by the policeman who showed up at the scene. Humans are not like the mice you usually eat- if you try and choke them, they can usually make it to their phone and call for help. As a matter of fact, most humans carry phones on them all the time. Also, if you do eat a human, unlike with mice, another human will find you and kill you- you may think- “how? I can take a human any day of the week.” Well snake, humans have guns. They don’t even need to be near you to kill you.

What Sucks…Yearning For Zion/ FLDS Polygamist Sect

Admittedly there are a few things I don’t understand about polygamists. For one thing, why would anyone want more than one wife at the same time? The fact that there is a law against this kind of thing proves to me that sometimes, government does in fact work. I mean I can barely understand this type of lifestyle if you’re a sultan, but if you’re gonna have a bunch of wives and you’re not having them feed you grapes and dance for you, you’re wasting your time.

Now granted, I’m only going off the same news footage that everyone has seen as far as what has come out of that compound, but I didn’t see anyone carrying any belly-dancing outfits out of that place, as a matter of fact, all anyone seems to be wearing are those pastel, floor length pilgrim dresses. Hey Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, thanks for the soft-on!

But this story is not just about guys who live in a compound and have multiple wives, these dudes marry underage girls too- what’s their motto- “grass on the field, marry!”? I hope the legal fees these dudes encounter make it impossible for them to buy their wives the sexy bathing suits they’ve been looking forward to getting this summer.

What Sucks…This Past Weekend

Stark anniversaries all around this weekend with April 19th and April 20th marking the Columbine massacre, Waco, the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma and the births of Hitler and Joey Lawrence. Whoa- that’s a lot of crap that went down on these two days. Sorry to ruin your buzz, 4/20 weed enthusiasts.

Friday, April 18, 2008

What Sucks…When You’re On a Crowded Elevator, and Someone Says “Looks Like We’re On The Local”

Yeah, we’re on the local, cause, like, we’re stopping on every floor, I get it, right, you’re hilarious. Look, I don’t expect the people who ride the elevators with me to be Garrison Keillor (a national treasure) but can we be a little original in our attempts to be folksy, and retire this tired elevator bit? Experiment- say anything- ANYTHING would be better than the whole “LLWOTL” joke.

And just so you know, no, we’re not on the local, at least not in New York, unless you’re wearing bags on your feet and smelling like a combination of Subway Train and piss, and by the way Subway Train smells like piss so I’m saying piss twice.

Here are some suggestions I wouldn’t necessarily mind hearing in a crowded elevator stopping on every floor, if I knew I wouldn’t be hearing how it “looks like we’re on the local”:

- “My balls sweat indiscriminately- it doesn’t matter if its winter, spring summer or fall!”

- “How many people take Viagra because they’re sick of ‘F-ing’ their wives?”

- “Guess how many parts of my body have been inside my cat- hint, it’s more than 3!”

- “Pus! Seriously what word sounds more like the thing that it is…maybe phlegm, right?”

- “Clint Howard’s balls! Seriously, his balls!”

What Sucks...The Reaper

The great Danny Federici, Hammond B-3 organ and accordion player for the E-Street Band.

The Phantom. RIP.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Carmelo Anthony, EW’s The Hit List, Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape, MySpace Beat Down Girls, Impatient Democratic Party Members

…Carmelo Anthony

DWI? How dare you?! You’re in the NBA- the charge is “Possession Of Marijuana”! (If “The Hit List” by Scott Brown in Entertainment Weekly steals this gem, I’ll cancel my subscription!)

…Scott Brown’s “The Hit List” From Entertainment Weekly

Come on Hit List, you can do better than this! #10: Madonna talks about saving Britney…and there’s no “adoption against her will” or “Britney/ Madonna kiss” joke? No, “Madonna said ‘I can’t believe I kissed that- and I’m Madonna!’” Just some bullshit Lassie joke? You’re not even trying! (If “The Hit List” by Scott Brown in Entertainment Weekly steals this gem, I’ll subscribe!)

…Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape

1.5 million dollars for this thing? Why are people still obsessing about her? If she were alive today, she’d be 80! Plus, let’s face it, she was chunky! By the way, it’s not a sex tape if you have play it on a projector- Bret Michaels, Pam Anderson- all the greats work on DV, not Super 8!

…Those Myspace Girls Who Beat Up That Other Girl
Never has high school girls rolling around and fighting at some slumber party been so un-hot. By the way, memo to tech/ internet savvy kids of today- stop recording yourself doing crimes! There were more shooters at this thing than at the Baghdad Airport! Michael Mann doesn’t get as many angles on a scene as these bi-otches did!

…People Who Are Pushing For The Dems To Settle On A Nominee Now

Look, like Bill Clinton, I’m no big fan of Hillary, but if this thing continues for a little while longer, who cares? I just don’t get the rush to settle- what, do we all work at Jib-Jab and are afraid we won’t have enough time to do a parody song to the tune of some ditty in the public domain so we can avoid paying copyright fees, like the talentless, cheap bastards we are?


See above- you guys suck! Can't wait till you guys do your magic to "Coming 'Round The Mountain"!

What Sucks Breaking News: “Hoboken Now” Calls For DeLuca to Replace Artie Lang!

Courageous Hoboken Based Website, “Hoboken Now” yesterday, in keeping with it’s shoot from the hip, take no prisoner’s, gusty style of reporting called for’s author Chris DeLuca to replace the great Artie Lang, if he is in fact leaving Howard Stern.

It’s finger squarely on the pulse of Hoboken, Hoboken Now has won numerous Webby Awards (and rightfully so) and is the first website to be considered for the Pulitzer. However, many feel that by suggesting Adam Wade as a possible replacement for Lange as well, HN is way, way off base.

Just kidding, Wade. (Seriously, though- I’m not kidding.)

Go to Hoboken Now, to know what’s cool in Hoboken.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What Sucks…Ashley Simpson Pregnant or Not Pregnant, Country Divided Between Those Who Could, And Couldn’t Give A Shit

As the ongoing drama of whether or not Ashley Simpson is pregnant unfolds, Americans find themselves falling into two groups: those who could seriously give a shit, and those who couldn’t.

Simpson, who was recently engaged to Pete Wentz, and was rumored to be pregnant this week, today went on MTV’s TRL to deny the rumors. The denials come a day after her fiancĂ©e, Wentz, the leader singer of Fall Out Boy, referred to the controversy as a "witch hunt". Mind you, none of these events mean shit to anyone.

Simpson, whom America last gave a shit about when she was seen awkwardly doing a jig offstage after a track she was lip-synching to on Saturday Night Live skipped, is also known for having a radical nose job- which actually made her look better- and having a dad who is way, way too into his other daughter, Jessica’s boobs.

Increasingly, Americans seem to be leaning towards not giving a shit about anything Ashlee Simpson does or says. A recent announcement by her of intentions to have a green wedding, was met with an apathy Americans normally reserve for the cover of this week’s Bird Watcher’s Digest and Americans as a whole have long stopped caring about why she spells her name the way she does as opposed to “Ashley”, and that she is even , in fact, someone who puts out albums.

What Sucks Presents…Happy Tax Day From Wesley Snipes

Monday, April 14, 2008

What Sucks…Paradise By The Go Phone Light

What, I don’t hear this song enough when it’s played by lonely women at whatever bar I’m in that happens to have it on the jukebox? I gotta listen to it now in commercials? And a bastardized version of it too?

How much money can Meat Loaf make off of crap? Is he the all-time leader in “Making Money Off Of Crap”, music division? The guy is listed under something on his WIKI page called “Wagnerian Rock” (clearly someone in his family needs to protest edit his page or something) for Christakes! Don’t know much about his career? Here’s a quick little refresher-

- He was in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

- He did Bat Out Of Hell which featured “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”, “You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth” and other assorted turds you are tortured with when they are played at bars.

- He did Bat Out Of Hell 2, which had “I’d Do Anything For You But I Won’t Do That” on it.

- He had tits in “Fight Club”. Huge ones.

By the way, that’s the great Tiffany walking in half way through holding a leg of lamb. She has a bigger part in the extended version. Poor her. Tiffany, if you’re googling yourself one day and come across this, you are a beautiful and sensitive woman, you don’t have to play Meat Loaf’s wife in the extended version of a phone commercial as matter of fact, the way life has treated you, you don’t have to do anything now- just marry some old, rich European dude and live off his money- for anyone interested, here’s Tiffany’s version of this blog- (AS ALWAYS CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE AND ENJOY THE FUNNIES!)

Friday, April 11, 2008

What Sucks…American Idol

WTF? When did this become Jesus Idol? I thought I was watching CBN, but then I realized there were no commercials for an “age defying shake”.

So now American Idol has to be about Jesus? Is that where we’re at now, and more importantly, has anyone talked to Jesus about this? Not so sure he’d be into it, that’s all.

It’s f-ing up Idol. For instance, not only should Kristy Lee Cook be home by now, but she should have already had her “cut to recently cut Idol contestant in the audience” shot like 3 weeks ago. She sucks, so much so I’m not even finding her hot anymore.

Talent-wise, she was well on her way home 5 weeks ago, after she did to “8 Days A Week” what this alligator does to this gazelle- warning, gross.

She escaped however and then apparently, hired Karl Rove as her vocal coach because the next thing you know, she’s singing Lee Greenwood songs and mentioning Jesus at every turn. Say what you will about Sanjaya sucking last year but at least he didn’t hide behind Jesus’ skirt.

Yesterday, Michael Johns goes home- why? Because he sang Aerosmith and they don’t talk about Jesus? Get Jesus out of American Idol!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

What Sucks…What’s Keeping Kaz Matsui On The DL

Most awkward DL report ever? What's worse- San Francisco Second Baseman Ray Durham couldn't make the game because of a pretty bad herpes outbreak. Derrick Lee of the Chicago Cubs won't be in the lineup today because of "inflamed gonorrhea".

Anal Fissures
? Good lord.

Gotta believe somewhere between the trainer’s room and the DL someone may have violated doctor-patient confidentiality. Sheesh. How’d you like to have this guy on your fantasy team, then find out he’s out of action due to Anal Fissures. Awkward. You know what, just tell us he can’t make the next couple of games because “something came up.”

Awkward injury.

What Sucks…Idol Gives Back, Teri Hatcher, Guy From House

I’m sorry, I tuned in a little late- was the whole Teri Hatcher singing/ dude from House playing violin/ other dude from Desperate Housewives playing guitar/ cop from Heroes drumming fiasco some kind of tough love thing?

Was Seacrest all like “I thought I told you people to call! Now we have Carrie Underwood- and until I hear some FUCKING phones ring, you’re gonna have to listen to this!”

I don’t think I could of come up with a shittier band lineup if I had to. I’d be all like- “Okay, Jack Johnson on guitar, John Ashcroft singing, Keith Moon as he is today , on drums…”

And then I’d turn around and see Teri Hatcher and the 4th lead from House playing the fiddle, and be like “Damn. You guys are good.”

By the way, is Teri Hatcher boning some American Idol producer like she boned Howie Long to get those Radio Shack commercials? I don’t understand why that performance couldn’t have taken place in someone’s garage. Why the hell didn’t Carrie Underwood do that song live- she was in the building- she came out after the song was over, were they actually holding her hostage?

I hope the people who are getting this money really appreciate it. Us having to sit through Terri Hatcher and the actor band was almost as bad as Katrina.*

*denotes “What, I said ALMOST!”

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

What Sucks Presents…People Who Get Good Weed! Today’s Feature: Jason Castro

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, with a ukulele? When Idol producers said this year contestants would be able to use instruments, I’m not sure they were talking about weed, you pothead!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

What Sucks Presents: Dick Cheney Is a Dick About Other Things Too!

Dick Cheney is a dick about other things too- look at these pictures I took of him using my magic camera that catches people’s thought bubbles.