Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What Sucks…American Idol

As plainly as I can put it, last night’s American Idol was an abomination in the eyes of God. It was a like a 3 way bed-shitting contest between contestants, judges and the show’s producers that mercifully ended after two hours in a stalemate.

Where do I start? Can I get MORE banjos in my Beatles songs, please? It really is a shame only one person can be voted off tonight. Idol finally ponies up the coin (or at least negotiates with Yoko and Michael Jackson- does he still own it?) to get the Beatles catalogue and this is how the contestants respond to it? Covers of Eleanor Rigby? Out of all the Beatles tunes you could cover- Eleanor Rigby? You have chance to do a Beatles song on stage, with a full band and…Eleanor- the sad part is, that was the highlight of the night. Eleanor Rigby apparently can be covered by Maroon 5.

Each singer with the exception of maybe the blonde girl who’s never seen an R-rated movie, approached their song as if they’ve never heard it before and the judges either ate it up or when they didn’t eat it up, they weren’t nearly as apocalyptic as they should have been. Simon has made people cry when they fuck up “Emotional” by Mariah Carey- people destroy the songs of the Beatles and he’s fine with it? Syesha should have been punched. Chikesie put a fiddle into “She’s A Woman” and Mark David Chapman is doing time for what Kristy Lee Cook did to “8 Days A Week”.

The judges were just as bad as the contestants. I would have had David Hernandez drafting an apology letter after what he did “Saw Her Standing There”. Take a look at it on YouTube- I swear to God, if there was NO story out there about him working as a stripper in a gay bar, after this performance, I would have been- “This guy strips at a gay bar.” The only way that could have sucked more was if he put a banjo in it. This guy took a Beatles 101 class? Who taught it, Heather Mills?

By the way, did I leave the room for a second during the clip where all the Idol contestants were talking about the jobs they had before Idol, and miss David Hernandez say “Whenever you hear ‘Pizza Bistro’, substitute ‘Dick’s Cabaret’?” Holy fuckcakes.

Closing the night- even Archueletta got in on the crapfest, forgetting the lyrics twice to “We Could Work It Out”- choosing to try and do the Stevie Wonder version because I guess the Beatles really screwed the pooch when they originally did that song.

Oh, and the new set and opening graphics blew.

American Idol airs Tuesday and Wednesday nights on FOX!

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