Monday, March 31, 2008

What Sucks…This Guy, Who “F-ed” A Picnic Table

A few questions come to mind. One is “Why?” Another being “How?”

There are many things that bother me about this story. One being that a tipster gave police 3 (freaking 3!) DVD’s showing this guy having sex with a round, metal table on his deck.

First off- it took 3 DVD’s before the cops moved in? Secondly, what happened to make the guy go to the picnic table? Did the round metal table dump him? This guy couldn’t stay faithful to the table he was “f-ing”? Or are they both the same table, and the police are only using the term “picnic table” to sound more official and to save the table public embarrassment?

Other questions are how strong is this guy’s junk? I have been around picnic tables and well, you know, sorry but the normal guy’s junk would lose in a match up against that. That’s why when you buy a picnic table, they tell you to put it together with screw drivers and screws, and not your dick.

There are so many questions on this that I’m afraid I won’t be able to get to them all. So, sorry I will not be asking…

- What would go down to make a neighbor start taping this dude?
- Is this in fact, illegal?
- Is there a more awkward thing to be busted for?
- Who F’s a picnic table?

There are more questions but one good thing about this is that it will give anyone who is bored at work, and has photoshop, hours of good fun. Simply take this present from me- click on the image above, drag it down to your desktop, open photoshop and where you see the picture of “Arthur Price”, cut and paste your buddy’s headshot into that bad boy. Repeat endlessly and it will make your Monday move a little faster. I’ve shown you an example by inserting Tony Danza’s face in there. Imagine if I worked with Danza- I would have gotten him good today.

Hey look everyone! Tony Danza F’d a picnic table!

What Sucks…What Sucks on The Sauce- Tonight At 6 PM

Come to this blog everyday but don’t like to read? Finally, you too can enjoy being told what sucks by me. That’s right, “What Sucks…” hits basic cable this evening (6-7PM) on “The Sauce”, tonight on Fuse, channel 56 in Hoboken, probably higher on your local cable station. Check it out and see for yourself what the buzz is all about, and by buzz, I mean the startling revelation of how chunky I look on TV.

I’m the guy in the dark shirt, in the fat suit!

The Sauce is on every weeknights between 6 and 7PM on Fuse!

And yeah, by the way, it'll be me hanging backstage with Chikezie

Thursday, March 27, 2008

What Sucks...Extreme

There's not much here to say as far as pointing out suckage. Basically, hit play and go on your suck journey. By the way, this song came out in the early 90's or something, why has it been viewed over 4 million times? Does America suck too? Compelling argument here.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

What Sucks Presents…It Ain’t Happening!

Hey nerdy sci-fi dude dude who is thinking about how nice it would be to be with Kristen Bell!

It ain’t happening!

Hey baby seal in this picture who’s only thought seems to be “Can I get myself some food so I can spend the rest of the day frolicking in the surf?”

It ain’t happening!

Hey Eddie Pepitone, of Los Angeles, CA- who’s thinking about his ship coming in so he doesn’t have to break his back performing in dumps, for miniscule pay…

It ain’t happening!

Hey Ramiele Malubay from American Idol- you’re in big trouble. Last night you were outsmarted by Kristy Lee Cook, who by all accounts was about to be voted out this week until she pulled a Lee Greenwood “God Bless The USA" song out of her ass and turned Idol into a NASCAR event where Dick Cheney was racing George Bush in cars powered by Muslim dudes to a finish line that was marked by Jessica Lynch's body covered in an American Flag. Genius! America is not gonna vote against that! You’re screwed Mulabay, the numbers are just not in your favor- who are they’re more of in this country, USA loving rednecks or dudes with Asian fetishes? Plus, with that outfit you wore last night?

It ain’t happening!

Hey George Bush’s “roadmap to peace” Israel/ Palestine negotiating committee- it ain’t happening for someone who DIDN’T start a war that further destabilized the most volatile region in the world- it certainly ain’t happening for you!

What Sucks…Our New Governor

Two weeks after becoming governor because the dude he replaced was, to use the technical term, “way too into hookers”, and one week after admitting he and his wife have had numerous affairs themselves, New York’s latest governor, David Patterson, announced yesterday he’s smoked a lot of weed and done coke.

Memo to the new Gov- take a week off from making announcements! Jesus, who is this? Rick James? How many more drugs and women would this guy have had if he could see? What has to happen for the Governors of the NY/ NJ area to calm down, a swearing in ceremony where instead of the Bible, they put their right hand on a woman’s ass? Has he killed a dude? I knew Albany was a party school, but is it a party town too?

By the way, I don’t want to generalize here but blind black guys in the public light are pretty much into womanizing and drugs. Oh, I’m being harsh? I guess you don’t know NY’s new governor, and you didn’t see “Ray”.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

What Sucks…Reuters Running A Bullshit Story Today

Hey Reuters, nice try.

Renown news agency Reuters today tried to pass off some serious bullshit on the public by running an story with a headline that read “Ryan Phillipe Sheds Pretty Boy Image”.

Look, I haven't seen "Stop Loss" but going by the trailer, you’re not going to convince me Ryan Phillippe has shed his pretty-boy image by making “Varsity Blues in Iraq”.

In “Breech” Ryan Phillippe played a pretty-boy FBI agent posing as a pretty-boy personal assistant to Chris Cooper. In “Flags of Our Fathers”, Ryan Phillippe played one of the only metro-sexuals to fight in World War 2. And in Crash, which sucked, Ryan Phillippe played a pretty-boy cop who’s partner was a racist.

Don’t believe me, check out his IMDB page. (click image to enlarge)

Monday, March 24, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls

…Hillary Clinton

Following up telling people they should fear Barack Obama answering the White House phone at 3 AM…(How’s Hillary gonna answer it? “Bill, that you? Come home now!” Whoo! Feel free to use that one around the watercooler!) …with making a few speeches in which she suggests she’d consider putting him on her ticket as her VP, all the while trailing him in pledged delegates and number of states won, Hillary says the Florida and Michigan primary results should count even though it was agreed by all camps that they wouldn’t, AND she was the only on the ballot. Balls.


A week after aggressively moving to quiet protests in Tibet which resulted in the death of anywhere between 19 and 100 people, and then today opening fire on 100’s of monks and nuns, the Chinese government comes out yesterday and called the Dalai Lama a terrorist. Big ones.


America marks the 5 year anniversary of the Iraq War and the 4000th soldier killed in the line of duty, Dick Cheney says the above. Big AND Brassy.

…Heather Mills

Originally asked for 250 million of Paul McCartney’s money despite be married to him for less than 4 full years. Then, when awarded 50 million complained loudly saying she will appeal and curses the judge even though there is a gag order on her. Claims to work for various charities but was unable to show any records of any donations/ contributions to the court. Also, threw a glass of water on Paul’s lawyer’s head! Pumpkin Sized.

…Barry Bonds

After being a total a-hole for his entire career and shooting himself with so many roids his nards were recently mistaken for rabbit poo, Barry Bonds, who is under indictment for perjury after allegedly lying under oath a bout talking steroids and who is also very limited in the field and hasn’t been able to run for 5 years said he’s considering suing baseball owners for collusion because he can’t seem to get a job this year at the age of 43. Grapes, literally and figuratively.

...The New York Times

In an article today the New York Times did a story about The Hills in which they refer to Heidi Montag as a feminist hero! She’s a talentless douchebages! Big brassy ones.

What Sucks...The Internet, Raining John McCain

(Stole this from Boing Boing but...)

This makes no sense! Is this pro-McCain or against McCain? It does nothing for me except to make me want to try and never get old, which without stem-cells would be very difficult so I really can't vote republican.

Here are the lyrics… (my comments in parenthesis)

Campaign is rising… (makes no sense grammatically or otherwise)
Obama’s getting low… (not true by the way)
According to our sources, McCain should get the votes… (What sources? What the hell are you talking about?)
Cause in the 2008 election… (no one at this point in the video is singing at the same time)
The forecast calls for rain…for the 1st time in history, it’s gonna start raining McCain! (What does that mean? What is “raining McCain?”)

It’s raining McCain, halleluiah! It’s raining McCain, amen! (Makes no sense, what does that mean, you’re just saying that so it goes with the original song)

I’m gonna go out and let myself get- absolutely John McCain! (What the fuck? TIME OUT!)

In the real song they rhyme “I’m gonna go out and let myself get” with “absolutely soaking wet” and it makes sense as the song is about rain, in this song however instead of “absolutely soaking wet” they sing “absolutely John McCain” which doesn’t rhyme or make sense.

God bless John McCain (Okay, fine.)
He’s a Vietnam Veteran too. (Yes he is.)
He took off to Vietnam (He did.)
And he did what he had to do. (He did.)
He taught every angel. (What?)
To rearrange the vote. (He taught angels to rearrange votes?)
So that every American could find John McCain (I have no idea what the fuck your saying.)

It’s raining McCain, halleluiah! It’s raining McCain, amen!
I’m gonna go out and let myself get- absolutely John McCain!

Don’t get old and don’t wear green pants if you’re shooting in front of a green screen.

Friday, March 21, 2008

What Sucks…The View

Think you’re about to have a nice little Easter weekend? See if you can after you look at this little clip where Elizabeth Hasselbeck talks about giving it up, with the added bonus at the end of Babs Walters choosing hookers over mistresses.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

What Sucks…Lost, Sayid From Lost

Note: If you haven’t watched “Lost” this year there may be some spoilers in the following. If you’re on disc 3 of season one, there are a shitload of spoilers in the following.

Good luck tonight getting any info on Michael- because if last week’s promo is any indication, Sayid is going to be asking the questions and that means that 5 minutes after he starts his interrogation, he’ll wind up tied to something on the boat.

For those of you who watched Lost last week you saw that since Michael left the show 2 years ago, he apparently made it as far as 20 miles off the coast of the Island before he was forced into being a janitor on some ship. Basically, that’s all the information we’re gonna get- at least till someone competent is able to grill Michael, or Kevin or whatever the hell his name is.

Sayid sucks! The dude gets captured so much he should carry around his own rope. I heard that later in the season, Claire’s baby Aaron, gets him.

He’s by far the most underrated putz on the Island, the WORST operative ever in the history of anything. Honestly, I have more confidence putting Bernard in a room with a guy. I’ve been watching Lost for it’s entire run and Sayid is a crappy interrogator, a horrible torturer and, in the future, a horrible hit man.

No wonder Iraq lost the first Gulf War (clearly Sayid was out of the country for their subsequent come back in the second.)

In season 2, pressed to get information out of Ben when he was captured and posed as “Henry Gale”, he got nothing- not even his real name. Think about it, it’s not like this guy was in a position to mask his identity with forged documents, etc. HE WAS ON AN ISALND! Still, Sayid gets nothing.

In season 3, the weird Russian dude who ended up being killed by Locke (and then, well, wasn’t killed before dying underwater at that submarined station thing), gave up nada to Sayid as well. Later in the season you could have added Juliet as well as Sawyer and Rousseau to the list to people Sayid was unable to get info from. As a matter of fact, when he first met Rousseau (season 1), she tortured HIM!

Not that that was the first time that happened, of course he managed to turn a gig as a short order cook into getting himself tortured. What I’m saying is, Sayid’s “torture to being tortured ratio” is very high, which is extremely disturbing CONSIDERING HE’S A TORTURER!

Bottom line, this guy has spent more time being chained to things- a tree by Anna Lucia in season 2, a swing set by The Others in season 3, a pantry by some Iraqi woman’s angry husband- before he got to the island, than he has getting information. He even managed a way to shoot himself in the foot while interrogating his own girlfriend.

Add this to the “future Sayid” who falls in love with the woman who he was supposed to kill, winds up getting shot by her and being duped by her into thinking she cared about him, and I think you’ll agree, it’s time to let someone else try and get information and let Sayid fix radios. Before he’s captured and tied up by a radio.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What Sucks…American Idol

Put Paul on suicide watch. Jesus. Is it possible to vote all these a-holes off?

Who saw American Idol two weeks ago and said- yeah, let’s do a second week of Beatles songs? Was it to settle some sick bet whether or not someone named Ramiele Malubay could butcher TWO Beatles tunes? The answer is yes, she can. Big time. George, John and Ringo are spinning in their graves (Ringo sleeps in a grave by the way).

Look-it, I’m not comfortable devoting this blog to American Idol any more than you are reading it, but I’m also here to call out sucking, so, when man’s most evil, highest rated television creation tries to destroy man’s most glorious creation (the music of the Beatles) you can’t sit on the sidelines. Someone took one of those Peter Frampton “voice box” things to “Day Tripper” for Christ sakes!

People, young people chose tunes like “Yesterday” and “Michelle”. My grade school band (I was in the woodwinds) turned that shit down for more edgy stuff. Fuck that- can we do Taxman? Dear Prudence? (We toured for a summer with Physical Graffiti, the Zeppelin cover band- awesome summer.)

Last night was a disgrace. I’m pretty sure one contestant mentioned that they were choosing a song based on the title. The title?! Like they never heard it before. I could see that during Peter Noone week, but this is the Beatles, you like music, you should have a decent working knowledge of them, where is Kristy Lee Cook from, that town in Footloose?! The worst part is the crappy job she did doing that tune was an improvement, mainly because she didn’t use any banjos.

Jason Castro didn’t even know part of “Michelle” was in French. Anyone who’s listened to the Beatles knows that. What is he smoking weed to at school? And I sincerely hope Michael Johns doesn’t get voted out after trying to do “A Day In The Life”, because next week I really want to see him do Rush’s 2112. Jesus, pick a longer, more complicated song and try and sandwich it into 90 seconds. And I know it was your deceased friend’s favorite song, but I think he may have been okay with you doing “Help” or something.

I don’t even want to talk about what Chikezie did- or the girl who tried to turn “Back In The USSR” into a southern rock tune. Or that that Brooke girl thought it was cool to dress up like a sun, to sing “Here Comes The Sun”.

Watch one of these a-holes get voted off tonight! American Idol airs at 9 PM Tuesday and Wednesdays on FOX!

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Radiohead, Kristen Davis Sex-Tape, Paul McCartney, Ashley “Kristen” Dupre


First Radiohead wants us to come up with a price we’d pay for their album- now they want us to make a video for them- hey Radiohead- do your own work! What’s next, I get to set up Phil Selway’s drum-kit? You want me to do something for you? Let me suggest you make an album with guitars! I’m sick of convincing my friends you guys are brilliant. Why do you hate album sales so much?!

…Kristen Davis Sex-Tape

I hope this does not exist. Not because I want to spare Kristen Davis any embarrassment, I just don’t want to see the first ever sex-tape/ chick-flick. What happens at the end, the guy finishes on her tits and then goes back to his wife? This has to be awful.

…Kristen Davis Sex-Tape (If It’s Fake)

There are pictures out there of Kristen Davis, or someone who looks like Kristen Davis, ah, hmm, how do I put this, sucking a dick. Here’s the thing- people are speaking up for Kristen Davis and saying the pictures and the tapes are fake. Say they are fake, that would mean someone found a girl who looked like Kristen Davis, convinced her to get naked and perform sexual acts which then may or may not have been recorded. Why? To capitalize on the small niche out there who would be interested in seeing Charlotte from Sex & The City “get it” from someone? How specific do fetishes get?

…Paul McCartney

Well, it’s more like it sucks to BE him, at least this week. First he had to drop major coin on Heather Mills for being his wife for 4 years- 50 million, then he had to watch his songs get absolutely butchered for the second consecutive week on American Idol. What those kids did to those songs are the equivalent of musical snuff.

…Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Says a lot when someone is on record as a teenage runaway from the Jersey Shore who turns out to be a hooker and only begins to skeeve people out when it’s revealed she made a video with Joe Francis. Yuck.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: The Incredible Amount of Governor Sex That’s Apparently Going On, The Press, Newspaper Headline Writers- Perv Watch V.18

…The Press

Stay out of the sex lives of our governors! This guy is African American and blind and your headline is STILL about who he’s boinked in the past? Enough! I think you have enough of a storyline here without having to “go there”, and by “there” I mean a legally blind, African American’s privates, pervs.

…Ex-Gov’s and Their Wives

Dear Dina Matos McGreevey, (wife of Jim “I’m A Gay American” McGreevey, a governor who once used gayness to distract from corruption)

You can’t go around sympathizing with the wife of a Governor who’s husband loves hookers if you, yourself were involved in 3-ways between you, your soon to be Governor husband, and his “boy toy”, can you? What do you possibly say for comfort?

DINA MATOS MCGREEVEY: Silda, this is awful, I totally know what you’re going through. It’s hell, the secrecy, the expensive hotels…

SILDA SPITZER: Thank you Dina, I appreciate it…

DINA: The picking out of the “boy toy”, seriously- asking yourself- do I get it from my gay husband first, or his gay lover first? It’s so taxing.

SILDA SPITZER: Yeah, ah… (LONG AWKWARD MOMENT GOES BY) You know, I think I’d like to go someplace less awkward, like say next to my husband at a podium.

Yes Dina Matos McGreevey, want to know how rough it was for Silda Spitzer? Think of your situation, then take away the dude you had a three-way with, unlike you- she had no one to fall back on for comfort.

By the way, NY Post, the term “boy-toy” should never appear on the front page of a newspaper. Keep it in the back in the classified ads where it belongs.

…New York Newspaper Headline Writers

Let’s face it, we live in the golden age of pervy, governor related, headline puns. Take a look above- (click to enlarge) it’s the salad days for this kind of shit. Even the venerable NY Times had to get into the act.

That being said...

…New York Newspaper Headline Writers Part II

This is today’s output. Come on, this dude is BLIND, he’s had numerous affairs, AND he announces it today, his 2nd day as Governor, and this is the best you can do? I knew you used up everything you had last week- shame on you- it’s gotten so bad, you’ve sunk to a place where your headlines are actually reporting the news!

Where’s “After Short-Sighted Affair, Gov End-visions A Smooth Transition”?

Or “Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight- Gov. Admits Affairs”

I’d even settle for “That’s Not My Wife: Gov Admits Impaired Judgment In Affair”

Monday, March 17, 2008

What Sucks…Heather Mills

50 Million bucks?

How does Heather Mills walk away from her relationship with Paul with more money than Ringo? Jeezus they were only married for 4 years- she couldn’t even take credit for Wings! 50 Million for 4 years- that’s not ex-wife money, that’s Johnny Damon money- she should be forced to play outfield for someone. Money like that, the Knicks might try and trade for her.

Paul the no pre-nup thing hurt you bad. I know you were all like “I’m a Beatle, I’m rich- who wouldn’t be happy?” Well, that kind of thinking has Heather picking out Cartier fake legs right now.

What Sucks Presents…People Who Get Good Weed! Today’s Feature: Shigeru Miyamoto

So Mario now flies around from planet to planet chasing bunnies and hanging with talking mushrooms? Ten years ago this guy was a plumber! Hey Miyamoto- lay off the weed!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

What Sucks…The New Hulk

Why can’t people make a good movie about the Hulk? He’s green, he’s huge, he loves to smash shit- a reporter follows him around all the time (Right? Was that just the TV show?) Lookit, it just seems to me that the trailer above is not a good sign. If I’m making a trailer about a movie called “The Incredible Hulk”, and I’m showcasing the “inner conflict” of Bruce Banner, I’m probably making a big, fat, green turd.

This is not one of those stories that is hard to tell. This is not a “War And Peace” thing where it’s virtually impossible to get the entire thing into a film. Act one- a guy gets zapped by a gamma ray and finds out when someone pisses him off and he turns green and turns into a giant hulking mass who smashes things. Act two- as he is struggling to deal with this, a bad mutant or the government comes after him, messes his shit up or steals his girlfriend. Act three- he reluctantly turns into the Hulk and kicks everyone’s ass. Final scene, we see the next thing he has to battle, born in some cave somewhere and it’s off to another 300 million dollar movie series.

What Sucks…Spitzer Hooker Shocker: She’s Hotter Than His Wife!

A day after Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign due to his involvement with hookers, photos surfaced of “Kristen”, the hooker Spitzer was caught requesting and transporting to Washington in mid-February. Reaction to the photos was immediate with critics and supporters of the former Governor agreeing she was definitely hotter than his wife.

Among the many shocking revelations the photos produced were the fact that “Kristen” wasn’t her real name. It’s Ashley- “Kristen” was just a fake name she conjured up to keep her out of the spotlight for an extra 8 minutes if some shit went down, which obviously didn’t work. “Kristen” or “Ashley” was also found to have a Myspace page, another well-worn indicator of whoredom. In addition, she was from Jersey, specifically, the shore (Belmar)- basically sealing the fact she’d grow up to be a hooker.

Additionally, it was also learned that “Kristen” or “Ashley” lived in a New York City apartment with a man, as being a 2000 an hour escort still doesn’t let you make enough money to live in New York City by yourself.

Spitzer for his part could be charged with wanting to have sex with a young, pretty girl, bringing a young, pretty girl to a hotel and paying her for sex. Luckily for him, only one of those things are in violation of law.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What Sucks…American Idol

As plainly as I can put it, last night’s American Idol was an abomination in the eyes of God. It was a like a 3 way bed-shitting contest between contestants, judges and the show’s producers that mercifully ended after two hours in a stalemate.

Where do I start? Can I get MORE banjos in my Beatles songs, please? It really is a shame only one person can be voted off tonight. Idol finally ponies up the coin (or at least negotiates with Yoko and Michael Jackson- does he still own it?) to get the Beatles catalogue and this is how the contestants respond to it? Covers of Eleanor Rigby? Out of all the Beatles tunes you could cover- Eleanor Rigby? You have chance to do a Beatles song on stage, with a full band and…Eleanor- the sad part is, that was the highlight of the night. Eleanor Rigby apparently can be covered by Maroon 5.

Each singer with the exception of maybe the blonde girl who’s never seen an R-rated movie, approached their song as if they’ve never heard it before and the judges either ate it up or when they didn’t eat it up, they weren’t nearly as apocalyptic as they should have been. Simon has made people cry when they fuck up “Emotional” by Mariah Carey- people destroy the songs of the Beatles and he’s fine with it? Syesha should have been punched. Chikesie put a fiddle into “She’s A Woman” and Mark David Chapman is doing time for what Kristy Lee Cook did to “8 Days A Week”.

The judges were just as bad as the contestants. I would have had David Hernandez drafting an apology letter after what he did “Saw Her Standing There”. Take a look at it on YouTube- I swear to God, if there was NO story out there about him working as a stripper in a gay bar, after this performance, I would have been- “This guy strips at a gay bar.” The only way that could have sucked more was if he put a banjo in it. This guy took a Beatles 101 class? Who taught it, Heather Mills?

By the way, did I leave the room for a second during the clip where all the Idol contestants were talking about the jobs they had before Idol, and miss David Hernandez say “Whenever you hear ‘Pizza Bistro’, substitute ‘Dick’s Cabaret’?” Holy fuckcakes.

Closing the night- even Archueletta got in on the crapfest, forgetting the lyrics twice to “We Could Work It Out”- choosing to try and do the Stevie Wonder version because I guess the Beatles really screwed the pooch when they originally did that song.

Oh, and the new set and opening graphics blew.

American Idol airs Tuesday and Wednesday nights on FOX!

What Sucks…1 Out Of Every 4 Girls

Ew. Gross. No wonder you all walk around with bad posture and your arms wrapped around your waist. One out of every four girls has an STD? What the hell is going on- are you all looking to be on Rock of Love? The season taped already! Aren’t there any teases anymore? What constitutes a tease these days? NOT having full on anal in a public restroom after the latest Seth Rogan movie lets out?

You’re all dirty and shameful. The report says 26 percent of girls aged 14 to 19 have had a sexually transmitted disease such as HPV, Chlamydia or genital herpes- stark statistics when you consider Paris Hilton is not even in that age group.

Hey girls, stop F-ing hobos!

What Sucks…Spitzer’s Downfall: Love of Hookers, Price Of Hookers

Eliot Spitzer today officially resigned as Governor of New York to spend more time with well, ah, hookers, I guess. Spitzer’s resignation brings an end to a turbulent week in New York State politics that started with the Governor announcing he was into hookers, escalated to the revelation that he spent 80 grand on them and then ended with a blind, black dude becoming the new Governor.

Spitzer leaves office after less than a full term. Among the accomplishments he will be remembered for are pissing off a lot of people by suggesting illegal immigrants be allowed to get driver’s licenses, setting the bar pretty high for leaving office in disgrace and bringing to the Governor’s Mansion, a blind, black dude.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What Sucks…The Spitzer Scandal: Did His Wife “Understand” Him?

As the obligatory three-ring media circus descends on Eliot Spitzer, as it is apt to do when someone famous reveals they love hookers, and as we see his now infamous 60-second apology played on a loop, it is important to realize that our rush to judgment of the Governor of New York be tempered with not just the obvious questions of “why would a man with so much to lose put himself in such jeopardy?”, but rather, questions that may be hidden just below the surface. Specifically…

…did Spitzer’s wife understand or “get” him?

It is a legitimate query that echoes through many cases of a married dude shtupting a hooker, and a question that at first glance, considering the coin the Spitzer was dropping on hookers, leads one to think, “no”.

As many of you know, sociologists have argued for years that the greatest cause of prostitution is not poverty, or lack of education, but rather the dearth of “wife-understanding”.

Many are the hookers who will tell you their clients have told them that their wives just don’t “get” or understand them. And while it is not entirely fair to put the blame for this incident at the feet of the wife, if wives in general wanted to eliminate infidelity, well, wouldn’t they try to understand the husbands involved in these cases better? I digress.

Let me stress that this mess does not lie at the feet of Silda Hall Spitzer. After all, the hooker Spitzer went to, “Kristen” as she is referred to, turns out to be one of many he used. That is to say, he may have gone to her and told her that not only does his wife not “get” him, but other hookers he’s been to earlier in the week don’t get him either. Perhaps the man is "un-gettable", an enigma.

Now, obviously, it will be months before we find out if “Kristen”, as she has come to be known, the high priced hooker Client #9 (Spitzer) preferred so much that he chose to transport her across state lines, “understood” Spitzer, but one thing is clear- he didn’t drag her up to the podium yesterday to read off an embarrassing apology. Had he truly been sorry, wouldn’t he have brought her up there with him as well?

Questions to ponder as New York's headline writers prepare for tomorrow's possibility that Spitzer gets indicted and resigns.

Monday, March 10, 2008

What Sucks…Busted Politicians And Their Wives: A What Sucks Photo Essay

Mr. and Mrs. Eliot Spitzer. (Hookers)
Thank you for coming. I'm here today to say I've been with hookers. Okay. Everyone, this is my wife. Sweetie- say hi to...I see, okay ah, what do you say we get a bite to eat?

Mr. and Mrs. David Vitter (Hookers)
Portrait of a guy in a tight spot, and a pissed off wife.

Mr. and Mrs. Larry Craig (Gayness)
Ill at ease, anyone?

Mr. and Mrs. James McGreevey (Gayness)
Yowzers, I’m not comfortable.

What Sucks Breaking News…Guy Who Loved Hookers, Governed Over Hooker Lovers

Dateline New York. Governor Eliot Spitzer today addressed the media and publicly apologized to his family for being involved with hookers.

The apology came as a shock to constituents, a large number of whom have been involved with hookers themselves, with still many more actually being hookers. As of now, what the governor will do next is not entirely known.

“Obviously, there are people in New York who have never been with a hooker. Old ladies, some soccer moms, nuns…” said one prominent New York politician, “…but are there more of them than there are people who have been with hookers, or hookers themselves? In New York? That’s something I guess we’ll find out as this story develops.”

“I wish him luck.” said a prostitute interviewed for this piece. “He was truly the ‘hooker’s governor’”.

Spitzer wouldn’t take any questions at his press briefing, but sources close to NY’s top executive say they wouldn’t be surprised to see the Governor remain at his post. “There are a lot of hookers in New York, and these hookers do not exist in a vacuum. It will be interesting to see what public reaction to this is.”

What Sucks…Caption This Picture Without Being Racist Or Anti-Semitic Contest!

We received 257 responses and the winning entry…(after eliminating the 253 responses that were racist and/ or anti-Semitic) is…

…“Hey, good luck with this whole peace process thing.”

Congrats Frank Proctor of Middlefield, NJ. And to everyone else, shame on you.

Friday, March 07, 2008

What Sucks Presents…Things To Shake Your Head At

...Blake Lewis' New Album! America's fascination with beat boxing continues/ doesn't really exist!

And...Southwest Airlines Fined For Flying Unsafe Planes . You're now free to crash around the country!

Jobs down most in 5 years. Yet Mario Lopez continues to work.

...Mickey Rourke!

The IRS – sending out letters to people to TELL them their check is coming to cost 42 million dollars- ahem, why not save on the stamps and just fork over the extra cash.

Go ahead everyone, shake your head at these things that suck.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

What Sucks…“What Happens In Vegas”

Why don’t Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher just split the money?

Is this movie about two of the most selfish people to ever walk the face of the earth? How is 1.5 million dollars of found money (3 million split evenly) not enough for these pigs? That’s more money than most people will ever make in their lives- and these assholes made it after a night of drunk sex, by dropping a quarter into a slot machine. No wonder Cameron Diaz was dumped by the "vastly less-good looking than her" Jason Sudeikis at the beginning of the trailer. No wonder Ashton Kutcher is fired from his job by his dad! How do these two people have such attractive/ loveable loser type friends respectively? What happens in the rest of this film? Do they burn down an orphanage?

By the way, nothing depicted in this trailer would ever happen.

Girls who look like Cameron Diaz don’t get dumped by guys who look like Jason Sudeikis.
Guys who’s dads own the company don’t get fired by their dads. And their dads don’t say things to them like “Jack, you’re like a son to me.”
No one gets an idea to in a bar, while someone else is simultaneously getting the same idea, in this case, to go to Vegas, alone.
No one slides down a bar like that, takes that nasty a spill, and then gets right up.
No way this couple would ever just not split the money.
No judge sentences people to stay married.
No one would pee in a sink like that.
No one falls in love with their wife AFTER they get married.
No one would sleep with a toilet seat like that and if a woman used a toilet, without checking to see if the seat was down, it wouldn’t cause a splash that loud unless their toilet was a pool.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

What Sucks…Gayest Kid On Idol, Not Gayest Kid

In what is turning into a good old fashion American gay-off, David Hernandez with recent revelations that he tended bar shirtless and danced for men in a strip club, came out, so to speak, blazing last night singing “It’s All Coming Back To Me” by Celine Dion. This easily trumped Danny Noriega’s “Tainted Love” and vaulted Hernandez into first place in “Gay Idol Contestants” men’s division. By the way, NOT doing well in the gay competition? Chikezie. That guy is definitely not gay, as a matter of fact, he may have been wronged by women his entire life.

Also making waves was Luke Menard who apparently chose to do the Wham song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”, and end his rendition by looking into the camera and singing the word “Jitterbug”. Off key. Something tells me we’re not done hearing gay revelations about Idol contestants. In other news, David Cook sang “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie and proved that you can do a gay song from the 80’s and not come off as gay. Nice work Dave Cook.

Here are the latest rankings. You’ll notice I’ve left off Archuleta as he is androgynous.

1) David Hernandez
2) Danny Noriega
3) Luke Menard
4) Michael Johns (dark horse gay guy)
5) Dave Cook
6) Jason Castro
7) Chikezie

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

What Sucks Election Special…Huckabee’s Insistence On Not Getting Out Of Race, Ranks Only 8th In Huckabee Crazy Thoughts

A recent study indicates that former Arkansas Governor and technically, current Presidential Candidate, Mike Huckabee’s refusal to drop out of the Presidential race, even after today’s pivotal Ohio and Texas primaries, ranks a disappointing 8th, among crazy thoughts currently in his mind.

The list, as seen below, may shed some light on why Huckabee hasn’t left the race yet-but it is too early to know for sure.

1) The Earth is about 2000 years old.
2) Dinosaurs didn’t exist.
3) A snake made the first woman ever eat an apple, and because of that we are all sinners.
4) Angels play harps.
5) Getting a “Covenant Marriage”, which in Arkansas legally makes it more difficult to break up with your wife, is a good idea.
6) Once two gay people get married, the next thing you know some dude is going to want to marry his dog, and we’re not gonna be able to stop him.
7) I lost a lot of weight and THEN got into a covenant marriage.
8) I could win this thing.
9) If God could vote, he would totally have voted for me.
10) We should allow God to vote.

Just missing the top ten crazy thoughts in Huckabee’s mind is “Continuing to be in this race shows character because everyone knows I’m not going to win, yet I’m here, even though what it really means is that my ideas and vision for this country wasn’t good enough to convince enough people to vote for me when the race started.”

Huckabee faces off against McCain tonight in Texas, Ohio, Vermont, Rhode Island and in his mind at crazy thought #24, Mars.