Monday, February 18, 2008
What Sucks…John Wilkes Booth
Today is President’s day, where we honor our Presidents, but let’s be honest, really the ones we’re honoring are the ones born in February, George Washington and Abe Lincoln- pretty much the only ones worth a damn. We used to have off on both of their birthdays, now they’re combined into one – it’s called “President’s Day” but let’s not shit ourselves, folks- this day is not for William McKinley. No one is toasting Calvin Coolidge and the mattress sale you are attending is not in honor of Franklin Pierce. It’s all Washington and Lincoln.
Now Washington’s accomplishments and legacies have been well documented. He was our first President, he invented the game “Scrabble”, he had wooden teeth and if he never stepped down from his Presidency, we’d have a king these days, and not a democracy, which we kind of don’t have. But, as you know, painfully little is known about Lincoln.
We do know this- he was tall, he had a beard but not a mustache and he was killed during a play, by an actor, the a-hole pictured above, John Wilkes Booth.
Nice job John Wilkes Booth, you dick. Seriously, way to buzz kill our President’s day. If it weren’t for you, we'd be drinking with Abe Lincoln, toasting his on his 199th birthday. (Actually last week.) Making matters worse, recently released photos of Booth, have caused many to believe his violent assassination of Lincoln was a product of his love of video games, further making it harder for people of our time to love and enjoy them.
F you John Wilkes Booth.
(Funny picture by the funny Luke Simmons.)