Thursday, January 17, 2008

What Sucks…People Who Refuse to Mock Britney Spears


In a disturbing trend, it seems a growing number of people are now refusing to make fun of Britney Spears. The latest to contribute to this unfortunate fad being noted dick-jacket Mr. Blackwell, who, after mocking numerous Hollywood actresses- including calling anorexia survivor Mary-Kate Olson “a toothpick”- issued the following statement at the end of his 2007 Worst Dressed List.

***Britney NOTE - For those of you who were expecting to see Britney's name adorn the 2007 list, I felt that it was in appropriate at this time to make comment, when her personal life is in such upheaval. I hope 2008 is a better year for her.

WTF? Are you shitting me? I’m supposed to think you have some kind of class or are “above” mocking Britney, in this, the time of her greatest accomplishments…er, in this the time right before she dies? Bullshit. You’re just lazy. Britney is committing public travesties faster than you can keep up with her- don’t hide behind some “her personal life is in such upheaval” bullshit- in the last ten days alone she’s fucked a paparazzi guy, shown up to a custody hearing and after apparently not being able to find a parking spot- took off, possibly wrote a suicide note, began speaking with a British accent, walked around a Betsy Johnson’s in Sherman Oaks, CA naked, got a restraining order filed against her by K-Fed AND may have gotten pregnant again (although at press time, it appears that is a hoax). This of course is well after she shaved her head and beat a car with an umbrella. She is pulling out the big guns, the least you can do is show up for work.

That being said, I now pledge to each one of you 442 readers (up lately- thanks!) who stop by daily for a page view that I will never, ever take time off from mocking this walking result of sex between a train wreck, a shit storm and a pig-fuck. I will mock her today, tomorrow… all the way up to next week when she dies either on the floor of some LA Club bathroom or wrapped around some telephone pole.

As a matter of fact – to make up for the few quitters out there- here are a few Britney jokes.

…Spears missed numerous court dates, but the judge has been sympathetic, offering to move the hearing to a place easier for her to make, like next to the dick of the next dude who buys her a drink.

…Spears angrily yelled at reporters to “get the hell out of my way!” They weren’t offended however, as everyone knew it was just the “Nyquil and Red Bull” talking.

…Spears missed her last two custody hearings, however the judge seemed confident she’d make the next one, because he was going to have “Cheetos”.

...Britney’s sons are Sean Preston, age 3, and Jayden James who is almost two. I say this in case Britney has just stumbled home and is wondering who these kids are.

…Britney Spears entered rehab today, this time under court order after selling her children for a carton of cigarettes and three shots of Windex. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a joke from next week.

And if you feel the need to construct some for yourself, follow this easy exercise.

1. Take the subject of your joke – in this case “Britney”.
2. Report an action- in this case “buying pregnancy tests with her latest boyfriend- that paparazzi dude”.
3. Confront that action with a horrible, but true thing in Britney’s life.

So here you have…

“Britney and her scumbag boyfriend who’s a member of the paparazzi bought pregnancy tests this week in LA. The tests are probably for her because, well, her 16 year-old sister Jamie Lynn is already pregnant.”

See? Easy. Try again?

Subject: Britney
Action: Judge suspending her right to see her kids.
Horrible truth in Britney’s life: she’s a terrible mother.

A judge today issued an order refusing to allow Britney Spears visitation rights for her two kids. A defiant Spears called the decision “disgraceful” and “an abomination” to the person who had just taken the latest picture of her vagina.

See? There should be no reason anyone is ever at a lost for Britney jokes- make 'em now before she dies next week and they're not as funny!

4 comments:

wadey said...

pure gold deluca!

jack bush said...

Leave Britney sSpears alone shes amazing bets singer in wiorld love britney spears you are so great my idol is you

Jack Bush said...

Love britney spears the best singer of all time love ya brintey

Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU SHE'S THE QUEEN OF POP YOU FUCKER