Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What Sucks...Mr. Blackwell



BLOG NOTE: This post originally appeared on 1/12/07


It’s well chronicled how much of a douchenut this guy is and how in an era of a President taking a country to war under false pretenses, insurance companies denying clients the healthcare they pay for, and executives of major oil companies heading up agencies set up to protect the environment, this dick-jiggle has chosen to make his stand shitting on what hot chicks wear. Yet once again Blackwell has released his in his annual “Worst Dressed List” and once again, he continues to go too far.

Quick side note: making number ten on the list- Alison Arngrim. I’ll save you the google search- she played Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie. I’m glad that out of all the women in the world dressing inappropriately, Blackwell has decided to go after Nellie Oleson. What is this, payback for stealing an apple from Mary Ingels? She hasn’t worked since a 2 hour, made for TV “Little House” back in 1983- I’d like to see Blackwell try and impress on the red carpet when all he can wear is what he finds at the Culver City TJ Maxx. Blackwell = serious dick.

Here’s the list- as you’ll see, everything Blackwell wrote is in bold and is WAY over the line. If any of the women had husbands worth a damn, Mr. Blackwell would have his ass kicked.

10. Alison Arngrim:
Blackwell’s take: "Little Nellie of the prairie, looks like a 1940's fashion editor for the Farmers Almanac.”


- Really, Blackwell? What’s you’re take on the chick who played “Mary Bradford” on Eight is Enough? Oh, I guess I’ll have to wait till next year for that. Nice insult too, you don’t even try to rhyme or explain to anyone under 35 what Little House on the Prairie was. Clearly you asked for permission to borrow one of Nellie’s outfits for a masquerade party and when Ms. Arngrim refused, you put her on the list. Bush league.

9. Lindsay Lohan:
Blackwell’s take: "Lindsay the fashion frenzy strikes again! Lohan takes fashion to a new low. No wonder she drinks like a fish, I would too, if I dressed like this.”


- Lohan has long been a target of Blackwell’s but throwing her recent drinking issues into this is just uncalled for.

8. Jessica Simpson:
Blackwell’s take: "Forget the Cowboys. In prom queen screams, can it get any worse? She's a global fashion curse!...Are pink Cowboy jerseys now the plan? Throw her in a burka and ship her to Afghanistan.”


- Look, I don’t like Jessica Simpson either, but calling for her to be subject to the Taliban’s extreme Sharia law is a little over the line. I guess Blackwell is just jealous that she got Tony Romo before he did.

7. Avril Lavigne:
Blackwell’s take: "Gothic make-up courtesy the mad spatula — Fashions provided by ... The house of Dracula!...That eyeliner is on much too thick, here’s to hoping she kisses Magic Johnson and then gets sick.”

- I’m just stunned by this one. Over the line, insensitive, whatever else you want to throw in there- I mean this is offensive in countless ways.

6. Eva Green:
Blackwell’s take: "Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose! If Connery was still Bond, he’d slap the shit out of her and rightfully so.”


- Obviously Blackwell feels Sean Connery should be celebrated for his 1987 admission to Barbara Walters that a women should be hit to “keep her in line”. How does he get away with this? No woman, especially Eva Green, deserves to be beaten for what they wear.

5. Kelly Clarkson:
Blackwell’s take: "Her heavenly voice soars above the rest ... but those belly-baring bombs are hellish at best! She may be the queen of 'Pro-Active' — but that wardrobe looks downright radioactive! What she wears is so downright rotten, it’s probably a source of comfort for Osama Bin Laden.”


- Why is Blackwell so angry?

4. Fergie:
Blackwell’s take: "Another style-free 'Fergie' in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!..Every outfit she’s in looks like death, it says a lot about someone when they look better addicted to Meth. And Sarah Ferguson is a lonely hag.”


- There’s a lot going on here. Blackwell still obviously hates Sarah Ferguson- almost 2 decades removed from relevance- I guess she got to Prince Andrew before Blackwell could. As for bringing up Fergie’s past experience with Meth, all this woman did was put on a questionable outfit, why does that subject her to such attacks?

3. Mary Kate Olsen:
Blackwell’s take: "YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain ... she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!...I don’t like her in this, I don’t like her in that, and is it just me or is she getting fat?”


- First off, Mary-Kate’s struggle with anorexia is well documented I just hope Mary-Kate doesn’t read this, luckily, I don’t think she can read. I just hope no one reads this to her.

2. Amy Winehouse:
Blackwell’s take: "Exploding beehives above … tacky polka-dots below ... she's part 50's car-hop horror….A make-over is what she needs, dressed like this she couldn’t even get raped by the Janjaweed.”


- I’m completely horrified and speechless. Also, I think Blackwell left out the word “show” after “car-hop horror”. If he said “car-hop horror SHOW” it would have rhymed. But that is neither here nor there, the story on this one is a Janjaweed rape reference.

1. Victoria Beckham:
Blackwell’s take: "Forget the fashion spice — wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em…I hope she gets HPV.”


- Just a terrible thing to say no matter what a person is wearing. Blackwell is just completely out of control.


Not happy until poorly dressed women around the country are crying.

3 comments:

Oscar said...

douchenut?

Boz said...

Douchenut?--Nice.

Al Scofield, District Manager said...

What sucks is dealing with all the crying, little dingleberries that want to work for me.

They couldn't sell water to a thirsty man!