Wednesday, January 02, 2008

What Sucks...2007

NOTE: Sorry for taking so long in between posts, I made a vow to myself recently that I wasn’t going to blog anymore until someone came out with a special edition DVD of Blade Runner that finally shows the director’s “true vision” and by golly, they did. Jesus, this thing has been released more times than Jeff George. I’m gonna back date post so history will be kind to those who check out archives, nevertheless, enjoy, you crazy 324 page viewers who clearly are bored at work and shit, Happy New Year!

2007. Wow. What a shitfest. As a race we may have outdone ourselves, although I doubt it. Anyway you cut it, the Gods of Suck (read: God) must be exhausted, but man did He deliver this year. Think of the lowlights- Iraq, the continued abuse of our environment sprinkled with public ridicule for anyone who publicly speaks out against it, Spiderman 3, and a media complicit in all the bullshit we find ourselves steeped in. (Only the children’s magazine “Highlights” was able to see things for what they really were.)

Looking back at 2007 you have to ask, why live? First person to put a good reason in the comment section wins a subscription from me, to the insightful Highlights Magazine, or “Over 50”, whichever periodical you like to get your truth from.

So with the past year fading into memory, and 2008 just emerging from the gooey mess that is Father Time’s birth canal, time to take a look at a some of the people behind 2007. Directly behind 2007. Directly behind 2007, giving it to us rough and hard. Now, note- I won’t be able to count everyone who made the past year suck- let’s be honest, it would crash the internet before I got out of the “B’s”, so here are some especially big douchebags who contributed to the past year.

One more note: just so you know, if you DON’T appear on this list it doesn’t mean you weren’t a total dick- I’m talking to you, guy who constantly votes against stem cell research, and you, nurse who’s rude to someone in the emergency room when all you’re trying to do is get some information and you, Jim Davis author and creator of Garfield. And I’m also talking to anyone in 2007 who hung a noose over something, shot a gun on any kind of campus, cried for three days on national TV over a dog getting adopted or who’s a member of the Janjaweed.

By the way, the BEAST does a pretty good end of year a-hole head count too.

10) Michael Vick

For an athlete to make a 2007 Shittiest People in the World List he must be a real a-hole. I mean he’s competing with douchebags the likes of Alberto Gonzales, Dick Cheney and Curt Schilling. But Michael Vick is no ordinary a-hole. Hence his well documented case. Bottom line, here was the deal the universe offered this douchenut…

…we’ll pay for your college education.
…you can make millions of dollars playing pro football.
…you can try and sneak weed through an airport.
…you can flip the bird to an entire stadium of fans.
…you can even give women herpes under the name “Ron Mexico”.

Just don’t have dogs fight each other to the death in the backyard of your mansion. Apparently that last one was a deal breaker.

9) The Britney’s, the Lohan’s, the whoever the hell else you want to throw in there

Just a few years ago, the prospect of feeling this much disappointment after seeing the privates of these women seemed like an impossible, far-off dream. Alas, we are wide awake and it is a reality I for one did not see coming. As a matter of fact, the last time I found someone’s naughty parts so unappealing I have to go all the way back to myself. They’ve made the upskirt and the nip slip boring- soon the net will be filled with pictures of girls with horn rimmed glasses reading books and you’ll all know who to thank.

8) The AMPTP

I know this doesn’t necessarily effect everyone in the same way but…

The media is controlled by about 7 companies. They make outrageous amounts of money and control basically everything you see and experience in the way of entertainment. They distribute their content vertically to ensure maximum profit- i.e. Warner Bros. releases “The Golden Compass”, wait, that blows, they release “The Dark Knight”, a news story on its popularity runs on CNN, it is advertised on the CW, promoted to AOL users, fans of Ellen tune in to watch Heath Ledger talk about it and after it hits theaters- which in some cases are owned by the parent company that owns the film, (in this case not,) it’s put out on DVD. Maybe there’s a spin off animated series that plays on the Cartoon Network, and when the movie is aired on TV, it’s aired on TBS or TNT. Everything there is owned by Time Warner, and every dollar you spend to see it, including when you watch it on the 13 different HBO’s where it makes it’s pay-cable premiere, goes to Time Warner. So they’ve made a lot of money on this particular movie especially when you consider how many times they make you pay to experience some form of entertainment associated with it.

Here’s an example involving Shrek with a cute little joke at the end. You see Shrek. You rent Shrek. You purchase Shrek on DVD. Your kids play the Shrek video game. You go to Universal Studios in Florida and do the whole “Shrek 4D Adventure” thing. You just paid 5 times for Shrek- no wonder that guy is green! (Feel free to use that gem.)

The Writer’s Guild of America, which makes 4 cents on a 20 dollar DVD, is looking to start their negotiations for the future of entertainment (the net) at 2.5 cents on the dollar. The AMPTP won’t even sit at a table with them. After reaping the benefit of their services and paying very little comparatively for it, they cynically follow the corporate, union busting playbook and drag the entire city of Los Angeles down with them. An alternative to this could be coming to the table, and staring negotiating at 2.5 cents on every dollar made in the internet, a medium they are already profiting from.

7) The Republican Candidates For President

I’m totally open to the idea of having an entry on this list entitled “Democratic Presidential Candidates”, it would probably exist too if I did the top 20 or 25 a-holes of 2007, but honestly, they’re not the ones championing a deceitfully sold, horribly planned war, questioning the age of the earth, and pointing to the millions of illegal aliens in our country as the great evil of our time, without saying much about the corporations benefiting from the work those illegals do.

These pigs are in a constant battle to outdo each other on who’s crazier, they’re like a bunch of jealous high school girls competing for the attention of the big football player, however the “football player” in this scenario is god. F them. Honestly, does anyone doubt the WORST Dem candidate (Biden? Hillary?) wouldn’t make a better Pres than any of these ass-clowns?

Please note, not sure any of the above applies to Duncan Hunter as I have no idea who the fuck he is. Actually, that’s a joke, he’s a douchebag.

6) Bill Kristol

It’s difficult to be wrong about something as many times as Bill Kristol has been about Iraq. It’s like finding a puppy, and then saying “Oh, I know what this is, a sex toy!” and then 45 horrible minutes later saying, “wait a second, this isn’t a sex toy, it’s a artificial heart!” and then, after 14 hours of surgery to install a puppy as someone’s heart, and then corrective surgery to take the puppy out, you say “Duh. That’s not an artificial heart, it’s a very important part of a jet engine, let me put it on this jet that only carries very sick children back and forth from hospitals.” And then, after the fire trucks leave, saying “wait a minute, this thing is a Shrinky Dink, let me put it in the oven…”

He’s the Isiah Thomas of Iraq. At this point he must say something about the war and even Bush is like “Dude, we’re not doing that.”

5) The Media

For all the railing against Fox News people do, it gets lost how shitty the ENTIRE media is. Think about it, we have two 24-hour news networks, three if you count MSNBC, and is watching any of them insightful and informative? Endless stories on John Edwards’ hair cut overshadow all legit reasons to not like him. And the Anna Nicole coverage I would rail about but clearly, she’s a national figure.

Just today the “most popular” story on CNN is Amy Fisher and her hubby promoting their sex tape. Can you imagine if you were from outer space and you first landed on Earth in 1992 when the whole Amy Fisher/ Joe Buttafuoco went down and you witnessed the whole media sensation surrounding it and were like “I’m out of here.” And then, you came back this week to give Earth a second chance and saw that CNN’s number one story was Amy Fisher, Hubby Promote Sex Tape”, I think you’d shoot the Earth with a big, fat “WTF? Ray Gun” ™

4) Karl Rove

Karl Rove did more of his damage in major election years like 2002, 2004, etc. but this is the year he left the White House so I think it’s important to remind people as he heads out into the sunset what a tremendous douchebag he was/ is. So don’t forget, all who read this, he is a tremendous douchebag.

Often referred to as “the architect” or “boy genius”, his legacy of engineering political victory for his party was built on getting religious people all riled up about gay marriage, putting that item on ballots across the country and using it to get people anxious to vote against 2 dudes getting married, to also vote for his candidate.

Inspirational. Seriously, nice job. Aim for the sky why don’t you.

He also presided over the era of the Swift Boat Ad, an political ad so negative in which an opponent is lied about in such an egregious way that the term “Swift Boating” became synonymous with the act of putting out false information about someone and attacking their character. That’s kind of like having a candy bar named after you that kills butterflies.

The final component of his legacy? Luck. He went up against John Kerry.

3) George W. Bush

George W. Bush in 2007 took it to the next level, it’s like he’s daring you not to hate him. Vetoing health care for kids. Being out smarted by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Pardoning Scooter Libby. The whole Walter Reed Hospital thing. It’s to the point where I am convinced that the 29 percent of the people out there who approve of the job he’s doing must think they’re being asked about pussy. Or Busch Beer. Makes sense that 29 percent of Americans like Busch Beer. But 29 percent for George Bush? That’s high.

2) Alberto Gonzales

A truly remarkable douchebag. That's him on the left.

First Latino Attorney General becomes first Latino Attorney General to resign in disgrace. His legacy? Approving torture, domestic spying, limiting Habeas Corpus and politicizing his job as Attorney General by firing US attorneys who didn’t play ball with Republican party honchos. He’s only number two on the list because his visit to a disoriented, post-op John Ashcroft (also a world class douche) to talk him into allowing domestic spying did not take place in 2007. Seriously, this guy makes John Ashcroft NOT the worst AG hired by Bush. Bonus douchebag points for passive aggressively kicking his dad as he resigned in disgrace.

“I have lived the American the American Dream- even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days.”

What does that mean? Who the hell was his father, Augusto Pinochet? Good thing this dude’s memory sucks, he probably can’t recall being such an ass-hat.

Hey Latinos, good luck getting another Attorney General.

1) Dick Cheney

All jokes about this guy shooting a dude in the face and not telling anyone about it for 2 days aside, something I’m sure if you did the police would be fine with, he is a serious, serious douchebag. In everything from forming his own intelligence gathering arm of the government to using Blackwater as a means of outsourcing the war in Iraq to just being in general, a pretty dicky guy, Cheney reigns supreme as a 2007 dickbag. As a matter of fact, he’s a douchebag for the ages. He beats Bush here because, let’s face it, he should know better, you don't blame the dog for shitting on your lawn, you blame the owner.

Well, that’s it for 2007, 2008 you have a lot to live up to, I’m sure you won’t let us down.


Mike Marsh said...

Good reasons to go on living in 2008? New episodes of BSG? Rose returning to Doctor Who? The elections being over by the end of the year? I don't know if hops growers have planted more vines, but we could see the end of the worldwide hops shortage, and that would be good.

screw you said...

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