Wednesday, December 31, 2008

What Sucks Hero

The following is from the upcoming What Sucks off-Broadway production of “Righteous DWI: A Legend in Scotsdale”.

The house is dark. A police siren lights up the stage revealing a cop, who approaches Barkley in his SUV.

Officer: You realize you went through a stop sign over there…

Charles Barkley
: Yes. Look, I’ll be honest, I was in a rush to get blown. Come on, you have to admit this girl is hot. Hey, if there’s anyone in this police station who can get me out of this DUI, I will tattoo my name on your ass! Wait, I mean I will tattoo, YOUR name on MY ass…

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls…Rod Blagojevich

Normally when WhatSucksBlog salutes giant balls, it likes to give readers 3 or 4 examples of folks who have giant balls for them to peruse and discuss with their parents over an early morning beer. But this dude- Rod Blagojevich, the corrupt governor of Illinois, gets a special mention all to himself.

I’ll be honest here, I’m not even trying to follow this story. After the election this year I’ve tried to stay away from shitting on people in politics- sure they all suck- without exception- but after a little while they’re a downer to write and read about on a blog. I’d much rather be telling you all about how lice sucks, how PUBIC lice sucks even more and how Glenn Frye’s video for Smuggler’s Blues sucks worse than both of those things (all coming in 2009!). But after only hearing a little about this douche-nugget I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t at least list for you all what a loser he be. By the way before I do that, think for a second about what you have to do these days to stand out as a douchebag among governors- anyway…

1) The Hair.

If the guy wasn’t a corrupt douchnut basically auctioning off a Senate seat- Obama’s Senate seat by the way- you still have to deal with his hair. Jesus dude it’s like Shatner’s toupe fucked Burt Reynolds toupe and then they threw the result of that horrible union in a dumpster where Rod Blagojevich saw it and was bribed to put it on his head- what’s worse- I’m pretty sure that’s not a toupe.

2) The Corruptness.

So he’s reported to the Feds and caught on tape trying to solicit payment for the appointment of a Senator to fill Obama’s vacated seat. Yeah, not exactly what the doctor ordered but politicians are scumbags so not exactly a shocker…

3) The “Giant Balls” Part

After being outed by a special prosecutor as a special variety dick, Blagojevich goes ahead and STILL appoints the guy he wants to take over as Senator setting up what will have to be the most awkward confirmation hearings in quite some time.

Dude, you were arrested by the FBI for trying to sell the Senate seat, then a week after that, you’re gonna appoint the guy you want? Balls. Large ones.

Monday, December 29, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: NFL Edition! The Detroit Lions, The Jets, The Cowboys, The Bucs, The Broncos

…The Detroit Lions

Kid Rock performed this year at the Country Music Awards and did a respectable job with the song “All Summer Long” and...

…therein lies pretty much the only thing somebody from Detroit can be proud of these days.

Holy shit is there anything about Detroit right now that doesn’t suck? The mayor is finishing out his term in the big house, the town’s main industry (cars) may be bankrupt by the time I finish writing this sentence and now the football team has gone 0 and 16- that’s ZERO WINS SIXTEEN LOSSES- that’s the first winless season (in the 16 game era) and only the second winless season ever in the history of the NFL.

I guess the lucky ones are the ones who are killed in the street due to the nation’s highest (or 2nd highest) crime rate.

Well, at 0-16, welcome to the pinnacle of suckage.

…The Jets

What a disgrace. 5 weeks ago you were 8-3 and you just beat the undefeated Titans- a week after beating the Patriots. Yesterday, you were beat by Chad Pennington. CHAD PENNINGTON! Who you let go earlier in the year because you got a quarterback who ended the season looking older than Cameron Diaz when she made that cameo on SNL a few weeks back. (There’s Something About Mary came out in 1998!)

This latest Jet collapse might be the most puzzling one ever. Honestly, if I was a Jet fan, I’d feel better about my team right now if they had the Jets, the early 80’s R&B band going out there every Sunday. Snap the ball, tell the other team they have a “Crush On You” and then get on with your lives.

I’d settle for the Jets from West Side Story- take a look at that video- you’re telling me that dancing crap wouldn’t have worked at least as good as what the Jets have been doing the last 5 weeks? They West Side Story Jets DEFINITELY would have beat Seattle- don’t forget, they stabbed a guy in that movie- at least they have the killer instinct!

…The Cowboys

It’s unbelievable a team could fight all year to get themselves in a position to “win and be in” the playoffs, and then come out, show no emotion, and lose 44-6 to the Eagles. Where do you start? Tony Romo? What, is stupidity an STD now?

You made Eagles fans feel good and they are among the worst people in the world. I swear in another land- these are the people who join things like the Janjuweed.

…The Broncos and Bucs

The Broncos and Bucs between them had about 9 different shots to get in the playoffs and wound up blowing them all. The Broncos had a three game lead on their division and wound up getting crushed by the Chargers last night 52-21! The Bucs were at one time 9-3 only to finish at 9-7. For that they deserve to have their old, gay-ass logos shown.

Look at the gayness!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

What Sucks Presents…Christmas A-holes: The Grinch

Sure Christmas is the time to celebrate good will for all men and to wish for “peace on earth” and all that shit, but you also have to admit, as a time of year it can really bring the dicks out of the woodwork.

The Great A-holes of Christmas: Volume 1: The Grinch!

History has been kind of, well, kind to the Grinch. Ask yourself, what do you remember most about him? That his heart grew 3 times that day? That he carved the “roast beast”? That once upon a time he learned a valuable lesson about Christmas?

How about that he concocted and executed with disturbing aplomb a plan- which can only be described as insidious- to rob an entire community of a beloved holiday?

Kind of gets lost in the shuffle, doesn’t it? Why, because he decided in the end to “bring stuff back”? Just for the record, let’s review what this animal did-

- A conservative estimate of about 12-15 instances of “breaking and entering”. Which in Whoville or not, is a felony.
- I’ll low-ball estimate the monetary value of the stuff he took- let’s put it in the range of 50 thousand dollars- grand larceny by any measure, a felony.
- I’ll throw in “endangering the welfare of a child”, a felony.
- Numerous instances of cruelty to animals, a felony.

Right there we are looking at a criminal the likes of which we seldom see. And why? Because his shoes were too tight? Because his heart was too small? Because he couldn’t take noise?

I’m sorry, this guy is a dick. I remind you he stole ice cubes out of someone’s freezer, the pedals off a poinsettia AND a crumb from a mouse. He stole ice cubes from someone’s ice tray! Look at the film!

Not only that, multiple times he endangered his dog by either forcing him to act as an accomplice to precariously parking his sleigh on the peak of a mountain, with Max still tied to it.

The dude should be in the Whoville county jail.

The Grinch- a serious Christmas A-hole.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What Sucks...Santa Baby: A What Sucks Classic!

What the fuck? Are we trying to give Santa wood? Jesus, kids are listening to this thing for Christ Sakes.

Check out some of the lyrics...

“…come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany…I really do believe in you, let’s see if you believe in me too.”

Subtle. Now imagine this clear invitation to fuck as it is sung by the Pussycat Dolls...

I'm sorry, that's basically NSFW! Especially if you're an Elf.

And they're not the only ones to take a shot at this song. You had Madonna...

Kylie Minogue....And just to prove it isn't a new phenomenon, silent film star and former Cat-Woman Eartha Kitt has been doing it since before WW2!

Hey ladies, keep it in your pants- the guy has a busy enough night as it is. Plus, last time I checked, you home-wrecking pervs, he's married. No wonder Mrs. Claus has self-esteem problems, she's like Jackie O when Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday Mr. President. Here's the actual transcript by the way for that, rarely seen in its entirety...

MARILYN: (FINISHING HER SONG) ...Happy birthday Mr. President...happy birthday to you...


JACKIE O: (TO JACK) What the fuck was that? I'm sorry, is there draft in here, oh, did I say draft? I meant whore. Is there a whore in here Jack? Jesus Christ!

Monday, December 22, 2008

What Sucks Salutes Giant Balls

…Burger King

Makers of “Flame” body spray and possessors of huge, coconut sized balls. You guys made a fragrance? A cologne? Something you claim to be the “scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. I don’t follow- people don’t smell enough like shit? Have you not ridden in an elevator recently? A subway car? An airplane? We need MORE bad odors? People reek as it is, I don’t need to be smelling feint hints of your crappy fries. Show me an onion ring you guys have made that doesn’t taste and look like it was made in 1977 and MAYBE I’ll consider you going into the perfume business. Stick to making shitty foods, what’s next – an album?

…Parents Who Are Left Their Kids in Nebraska

Nebraska had a “safe haven” law on its books that allowed for parents to take their kids to a local firehouse or hospital if they are feeling overwhelmed by parenthood. They can leave their child in the care of a nurse (or fireman) without fear of punishment from the authorities. Just about every state has a version of the law which is aimed at preventing dumpster babies, but technically, the version in Nebraska, had no provision to keep parents of ANY child from dropping their kid off in Nebraska. Well, now it does because a bunch of parents started heading to Nebraska to drop off their kids. One dude dropped off 17 kids! One woman came from Florida to dump her 12 year old! Balls!

…Guy Who Named His Kid “Adolf Hitler”, And Then Got Pissed When ShopRite Wouldn’t Write His Kid’s Name On A Cake

Dude, scientists and mathematicians are currently struggling to calculate the shear circumference of your balls. Not only did you give your kid the first and middle names of “Adolf Hitler”(last name ‘Campbell’, so the kid’s name is Adolf Hitler Campbell), you also named your other kid after Himler and another kid “Aryan Nation” (Joyce-Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell) all the while keeping your name of “Heath”. What a douchenut. Your name is relatively normal, yet your little kids are sentenced to a lifetime of awkward explanations of why their names are hate crimes. THEN, you get pissed when some poor slob at a ShopRite refuses to write their names on a cake. Here’s an idea, why don’t you write their names on your huge, basketball sized balls.

Honorable Mention: Walmart

You douchenuts actually wrote the name on the cake
. So if your employees want to organize for health benefits or overtime pay it’s a big fat “no”, but anytime they want to write the Fuhrer’s name on a cake, that’s ok? That’s F-ed up and that’s coming from someone who has written a lot of F’ed up things on cakes!

Friday, December 19, 2008

What Sucks...A Video I Was Involved In: El Vacio

El Vacio: Office Workout

A small side project I did with the very funny Jon Gabrus and Dominic Dierkes called "El Vacio", Spanish for "The Void", was sold to and will be up on their site after the new year- here's a little sneak preview featuring Gabrus in his "Arnie Christian" character- sometimes its hard to see where Gabrus stops and Arnie Christian begins.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What Sucks…

Nice headline, CNN guy.

What do you say to this?

- When you’re right, you’re right?!
- So say it in song!
- …so that’s why the folks at Hallmark have designed THIS special series of cards…
- so consider skywriting!
- so why bother?!

Ever get the feeling that every once in a while the guy in charge of CNN Online takes off and hands the reigns to the guy who’s worked there for a few years and has recently been through a rough spot? Keep refreshing, you don’t want to miss the “your dog’s dead” Or the “hey, doctors have found a Chlamydia super-bug in your wife!” updates.

In other news, WhatSucksBlog is back, baby. Thanks for hanging in there- I had an ass-load of work recently which seems to be subsiding a touch. So if you’re a regular reader, or just someone who googled “Fluffer”(I get a lot of hits on that one), I hope to go back to pretty regular postings.


Kid sob stories rule the day at CNN!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What Sucks...The Video Game Awards

Sorry I haven't been up here much in the last couple of weeks- it ain't because things have stopped sucking.

I've been out in LA head writing the Video Game Awards for Spike- this year hosted by Jack Black. (Hence the promo above). They air live this Sunday night so it's been a real ball-buster to post anything for the blog. I hope you all missed the blog though. I hope your lives have been a little more empty since last Tuesday when I posted something last- no? Just more time for you to search the net for "Foot Porn"? I thought so, pervs.

Will be back soon. With more stuff that sucks. Don't worry, I'll win you all back! (I'll post pictures of my feet!)

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

What Sucks…Plaxico Burress

To stand out as an A-hole in the NFL these days, it takes a lot. You really have to go above and beyond in the field of A-holishness. You’re swimming in a sea of jag-offs the likes of which are rarely seen in American society. Around you are dudes who have been busted using something called “the Whizzinator” to try and pass a drug test- guys who have broken into a woman’s dorm room and pooped in her closet- dudes who run over traffic cops because they don’t want to put their joints out- people who have set up dog fighting rings after aggressively spreading STD’s across the country under an alias of “Ron Mexico”- men who legally changed their name to “Ocho Cinco”, but not in time to benefit from it from a licensing perspective vis-à-vis jersey sales, AND Terrell Owens.

Plus, you have to contend with a guy named Pac-Man Jones, who after being suspended from the NFL for “making it rain”- which lead to a fight in a strip club where a dude got shot and thusly paralyzed, became a pro-wrestler and then after getting back into the NFL got into a fist-fight with the dude who was hired by the Cowboys (his new team) to keep him out of fist-fights. Oh yeah and when he was in the strip club referred to in the beginning of that last sentence, he was temporarily robbed of a garbage bag he had on him that contained 81 grand.

But Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants carved out a special place in the pantheon of NFL A-holes by shooting himself in the leg, in the middle of a NYC club. It wasn’t so much that Burress carried a gun perhaps without a NY or NJ State license- it’s more that he kinda kept it in his sweat pants without the safety on, and when it fell down his pant leg, it went off.

Hey a-hole, you just basically lost 30 million bucks (your current contract), and are now faced with recovering from a gunshot wound INSIDE prison, because you couldn’t put the safety on your gun that you had in the waistband of your sweat pants at some NYC club. A club that ALLOWS sweatpants!

Let me be more clear- if you stayed in over the weekend, you wouldn’t be fired by the Super Bowl Champs and forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail and you wouldn’t be recovering from a gunshot wound! Wait, if you kept your gun at home AND STILL went out to a club you wouldn’t be fired from the Giants and be forced to hire an expensive lawyer to keep you out of jail. Hell, if you kept the safety on your gun, when you went to the club you went to you wouldn’t be fired and, well you get the point.

Welcome to the elite a-holes of the NFL. By the way, here’s the latest list of NFL A-holes.

1. PacMan Jones
3. Michael Vick
4. Travis Henry (didn’t mention him because he’s out of the NFL right now, due to breaking the league’s substance abuse policies, but he’s fathered 9 kids with 9 different women!)
5. Chad Ocho Cinco
6. TO
7. Randy Moss

Monday, December 01, 2008

What Sucks…Dying At Walmart

Still looking for things to be thankful for? How about not being knocked to the ground and trampled over by a mob of people who were so intent on buying Rock Band 2 at Walmart that they couldn’t even be bothered to step over you?

Everyone who was at the Minneola, LI Walmart around 4AM last Friday needs to take a long look in the mirror. What the hell is wrong with you people? I don’t want to even go to a Walmart, much less witness an involuntary manslaughter there, can we get our shit together please? Now I’m hearing the poor guy who was trampled was 6’5 270lbs? How does a guy that sized get trampled at a Walmart? You people are animals. This is like if "Jingle All The Way" was a snuff film.

What the hell are you all doing at Walmart at 4AM on “Black Friday”, anyway? Are your families so annoying you need to get out of the house and away from them before the sun comes up? Deal with your problems!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What Sucks…Turkeys Are Dicks Part 3

It has become somewhat of a tradition at this time of year to have this blog point out for its now 500 daily readers, who, as Thanksgiving nears, may be feeling a little antsy about the vast amount of Turkeys (200 million nationwide) that are about to be eaten, that they shouldn't sweat it too much.

The simple facts are, my friends, that there is no reason to feel bad about this pending turkey massacre when you take into consideration that Turkeys are major dicks. Please consider the following facts from of all places, the Sierra Club, that will hopefully make you feel better.

…A turkey is the one who suggested to Susan Smith, that after she drowned her kids by driving her car into a local lake, that she try to blame a black guy for it.

…A turkey is who first coined the term “TMI” meaning “too much information”.

…Turkeys are responsible for the design and marketing of “Crocs”.

…Turkeys account for 78 percent of the audience of the re-vamped Knight Rider on NBC.

...A turkey was the one who recently convinced Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson Wentz to name their kid “Bronx Mowgli”.

Hopefully that will make you feel better.

Have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, and if you’re the a-hole that comes over someone’s house every Thanksgiving and makes people uncomfortable by drinking too much and talking about “the immigrant problem”, try this year to suck less.

WhatSucksBlog will be back on Monday.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What Sucks Presents: Switching "Duty"

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Heidi And Spencer, Pirates, Triple Decker Sandwiches, Stuart Scott

…Heidi And Spencer

Married? Nice. The biggest douche merger since Massengill joined forces with Summer’s Eve. What did the priest say– “…if there’s anyone here who DOESN’T object let them speak now or forever hold their peace…” I wish I was invited just so I could be asked by an usher- “Douche-side or ‘tard-side”?

…Somali Pirates

Reason #3021 that Africa sucks, Pirates (PIRATES!) are still a major factor there. Seriously, the only reason that place isn’t being overrun by Vikings is because the commute from Norway is too long.

…Triple Deck Sandwiches

What’s the appeal of another piece of bread? Am I supposed to be impressed? You’re clearly padding your sandwich! Plus, now when I take a bite, the meat shoots all over the place!

…Stuart Scott

Worst Sportscenter guy ever? What the hell is he talking about? And by that I mean, whenever he talks. Dude, you’re making football highlight shows un-fun and you have worst catch phrases (“Must be jam, cause jelly doesn’t shake like that…”) than AYDS Diet Plan (Lose Weight, With Ayds!)

Monday, November 24, 2008

What Sucks…Grey’s Anatomy

A group of people conduct medical experiments on a living human- while she’s awake, in a cold, dark basement room, located next to a morgue. A woman fucks a ghost.

No, these are not the latest story lines from the next Frank Miller graphic novel, nor are they excerpts from the upcoming “Hostel 18” they are the “A” and “B” story-lines from last week’s Grey’s Anatomy (I don’t DVR it, the most important person in my life does- leave me alone!)

Used to be this show was about doctors having sex- now, it’s about doctors having bad sex that brings about the realization of nightmares- I knew producers wanted to go in a different direction this year, but what they say? “Ahem, yeah- let’s make this show more like ‘Lost’ as directed by an angry Tim Burton!”

In the past 8 months Izzy alone has slept with George (destroying his marriage), Alex (on the rebound from a psycho girlfriend) and a ghost, (her dead, ex-boyfriend, who she killed at the end of season one).

They’ve had the least hot lesbian affair in the history of TV with Callie O’Malley and Dr. Hahn- so un-sexy, by the way that they had to fire Dr. Hahn as an actress. Dr. Sloan (McSteamy) has morphed from a misogynist who F’d his best friend’s wife, to an “all-around” good guy who helps kids cope with their father’s night tremors. By the way, McDreamy has forgiven Sloan for F-ing his wife and ruining his marriage, but can’t seem to get over the fact that Meredith has roommates. Also, we sit upon the precipice of Yang starting a relationship with a guy who has PTSD- just you watch. Ugh! I know too much about this shit!

Black is white, right is wrong and up is down at Seattle Grace. Hey folks- we don't watch Grey's Anatomy because we want bad sex- even if you put it to a “hip”, “indie”, soundtrack. I can have bad sex on my own to the latest “Shins” album, thank you very much. We watch it because we want to see hot, GOOD sex- and because our wives are into the show. (Honestly, if it were up to me- I'd be watching PBS!)

Grey’s Anatomy is on ABC- Thursday’s at 9!

Friday, November 21, 2008

What Sucks…Sarah Palin

Look, I’m the first to admit the closest I come to being an outdoorsman is waiting on bus stops in the morning with the rest of Hoboken, but I don’t get this woman’s comfort with being around animals getting killed.

Seriously, WTF? I can google like 3 or 4 pictures on the net where she is literally either holding the head of dead animal or standing 5 feet away from one. Check out this video (warning: it’s a little gruesome- unless you hate turkeys) she’s talking to a reporter right in front of some dude who’s just going to town killing turkeys. Look at her, she’s not batting an eyelash- this woman does two things- give birth and hang around dead animals.

And nice reporting, whoever’s she’s talking to- doesn’t occur to you to ask additional questions? There she is babbling on and on- how bout, “Oh yeah, and Governor- quick follow up- WHY ARE WE STANDING IN FRONT OF SOME DUDE KILLING TURKEYS?”

Add this to her stance on shooting wolves from airplanes (ahem, for it), and she’s like the “Murder She Wrote” chick for wildlife. She’s the friggin animal reaper for Christ sakes. What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Apparently, hockey moms are much better armed. Oh and, dude killing turkeys in the background, just so you know, you’re burying the needle on the “creepy meter”.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What Sucks…Ayman al-Zawahiri

Really? Gonna go there? A racial epithet? Cause we were all kind of on the fence about you being a dick. It really could have gone either way- so THANK YOU for making it perfectly clear that, you know, you’re an asshole. So, yeah, I guess, you know- we get it, you’re a dick. A huge one.

By the way, can we get this guy now? We can’t just put a team of dudes in a white van outside every Best Buy in the northern part of Pakistan? Funny Or Die doesn’t post as many videos as these guys.

So, you’re a terrorist and a racist. Nicely played. You know those Dave Matthews “Mean People Suck” stickers? Well, take a look in the mirror, pal.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What Sucks...The Big Three

Really, the demand for gas guzzling SUV’s is going down? I had no idea that would happen- so hard to see in the future sometimes- you know, middle eastern country’s basically holding us hostage at the pump- I guess its time for you guys to shift over to your more fuel-efficient models- you know I think I read somewhere that the environment is a concern people have and they might want to buy things like the Toyota Prius. Oh, you don’t HAVE a plan for a roll-out of cool, non-gas guzzler car? No, no problem, I’ll totally pickup the tab so you don’t have to go into bankruptcy.

If we give you the money, can we then call you the “Big 3 Douche-muffins”?

Monday, November 17, 2008

What Sucks..Axe Body Spray

BLOG NOTE: As a public service, would like to address the young men of America who think that using Axe Body Spray, Deodorant or Shower Gel will aid them in getting laid. It will not.

Dear Young Men Of America:

Sometimes in the haste to make the journey from boy to young man, we succumb to various pressures we find along the way. These “pressures” may lead us to decisions we later regret- mistakes if you will, from which we must form our values, learn our lessons and hopefully develop character.

Some of these mistakes are understandable. A buddy offers you a smoke in the school parking lot- tells you it’s no big deal- everyone’s doing it- it looks cool. He has a point- it does look cool and often it impresses chicks- that kind of peer pressure is difficult to overcome.

Some mistakes are brought on by society. By not erupting violently at the thought of “30 Seconds To Mars”, society passively condones the band and leads you, confused, to download a song of theirs, or let girls you know “get into them”. Next thing you know, you have to navigate your way through emo-music and deal with guys wearing mascara.

With the above instances, often more important than making the mistakes is your reaction to them. If we can learn from our errors- well then, we are on our way to navigating life.

Sadly, however, there is another “mistake” we sometimes face, that all too often is born of fear and ignorance.

It is in these particular instances that we must be vigilant. We must find the strength to conquer these blunders before they take hold. I’m talking of course about the idea that one could possibly think- even for a second- that Axe Body Spray (Shower Gel or Deodorant) could in any way shape or form, help one get laid.

Now I know as young people, you are inundated with mixed messages from the media telling you that what you look like or who you’re getting laid with is the most important thing in the world. Granted, it of course is- but we must remember to use our heads.

Do you really think that running out and buying Axe Body Spray or Shower Gel is going to get you chicks? That stuff smells like shit. As a matter of fact, it smells worse than shit. It smells like someone ate shit, and then shit the shit they ate, out. It smells like digested, double shit. It’s gross and you can all do better if you think that using that crap squared, is gonna help get you some tail.

Further, if I may direct this next sentence to those who have a bottle of Axe Shower Gel in their bathrooms, or a stick of Axe Deodorant in their medicine cabinets. Would you be so quick to run out and get your Axe product if you knew that not only would it not help you in your quest to get laid, but it might in fact NEGATIVELY effect your chances of fucking?

Well, sad to say- it’s true.

In your haste to buy stuff that may get you laid, you’re actually buying something that HURTS your chances of getting over on some girl. A sobering thought, indeed.

I am so convinced that Axe Body Spray, Shower Gel, etc. is a hindrance to getting laid, that if one (1) woman can honestly write in the comment section of this posting- that she’s had sex with a guy wearing some Axe product, and can prove herself to be real- I will buy dinner for her and her Axe wearing, douchebag boyfriend at an Applebees of her choice.

In closing, allow me to restate that despite what you see on commercials and depicted in media, Axe Body Spray smells like poo, and will not help you get any action. For Christ sakes, and women will back me up on this, visible herpes sores act as a better aphrodisiac.

Axe Body Spray will not get you laid*.

*denotes: by a woman.

Would never happen.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What Sucks…Quantum of Solace

Sure I may not be the first to shit on the title of this movie- I may not even be the 100 thousandth, but for the next few hours I can certainly be among the most recent so, having said that…

Damn that title sucks! Quantum of Solace? The title to my car reads better. (Thank you.) As a matter of fact, here’s a good ol’ top-ten list of things that read better…

10) THIS WOMAN’S job title
9) A unabomber letter as read by a sleep deprived Crispin Glover!
8) An ill-prepared Mark Wahlberg reading for the part of the father in “Long Day Journey Into Night” at an audition!

And while we're on the subject- is there any reason a James Bond movie should suck? I know there are many that do – but why? It’s got to be the 2nd easiest movie franchise to run, but their batting average is not as good as it should be. Bad-ass guy hooks up with multiple hot chicks, gets into fights and then drives fast in a cool car 2 or three times. The rest of the time, give him cool gadgets to use to beat up bad guys with- all this- combined with putting him in any imaginable locale in the world (or Space) and him being a wise-ass to his bosses should make for an interesting and fun hour and twenty minutes every time.

We should all be excited when a James Bond movie comes out- we should live for it- we shouldn’t be struggling to pronounce it’s title!

First easiest movie franchise by the way would be The Hulk.

Quantum of Solace hits theaters this weekend!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What Sucks...According To Jim

Sure, when I get behind on my blog (big blog announcement still coming!), I’ve been known to hit YouTube and fish up a clip of “According To Jim” to post in all it’s suck-glory™. And yeah, ATJ has never let’s me down, and yeah- its lazy to do that on my blog- and YEAH, the show’s pretty much not even on TV these days other that repeats in small, southern markets, but that does make it right for a man to teach his daughter math in the way that is depicted above!

Monkeys take more care and are better at expressing themselves than this guy and I know the show is supposed to illustrate the attempts of a “typical” male trying to do right by his family and out-of-his-league wife, but these kids should have been taken by child services a long time ago.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

What Sucks…Shark Virgin Births!

More news from the world of sharks, and as usual, it ain’t good.

As reported here once already, scientists have now confirmed a 2nd instance of sharks giving birth asexually. What does that mean? Sharks can have babies without having sex, you know, like the British. Why would sharks be interested in doing that? Well the only reason I can come up with is I guess it gives them more time to try and kill us.

Officially, scientists have determined that a female blacktip shark, which had recently died, was carrying a pup fetus. They can say for sure this shark was never in contact with a male blacktip shark in the 8 years it was in their tank- nor is it possible that the shark was impregnated before it entered the tank (8 years ago). So, either sharks can spontaneously produce off-spring, or some male blacktip shark has been sneaking into the tank at night, and doing the nasty with the female shark.

Either case shows a strong evolution in sharks that do not bode well for humans.

I guess its only a matter of time before sharks develop wings, learn to fly and become unstoppable forces- get used to stories like this on your local news…

“…A woman who was jogging today was killed when a Great White Shark swooped down from the sky and ate her. Witnesses say the shark was doing a sudoku puzzle at the time of the attack."

Thursday, November 06, 2008

What Sucks…California’s Proposition 8

The next time someone starts telling you how crazy Scientology is and how much they suck, tell them you can’t take seriously anyone who discriminates against a people because of their religious beliefs- without first acknowledging, how F’d up Mormons are. Tell them they are clearly ignorant and let them know you won’t be audience to anyone who discriminates so indiscriminately.

Mormons, who by the way, wear special undies that are supposed to bring them “closer to god”, and who think the Garden of Eden is/ was in Missouri, have been the leading sponsor for Prop 8, the ballot initiative in California that seeks to ban, by constitutional amendment in the State’s constitution, gay marriage.

Mormons. Standing up for what they call “traditional” marriage. So it’s okay for them to have 8-9 wives, but Ellen can’t have any. Well, I guess it’s obvious why they need to marry so many people, clearly it’s to have someone to help carry around their gigantic balls.

Unfortunately, Mormons got this thing on the ballot, but the suckage doesn’t end there- a lot of people in California voted for it, which is also disturbing. Why do people have a problem with two homosexual people getting married? If these people want to be married and want to be just as miserable as everyone else, who are we to stop them?

Seriously, you people are so gung-ho to defend marriage- where were you when Larry King was tying the knot for the 7th time? Why do people have an issue with 2 adult women who want to get married? What, Jesus is the only guy not into Lesbians? Come on- let these people tie the knot- some of them have adopted kids- why must you make their kid think they’re weird because mom and mom (or dad and dad for that matter), can’t be officially recognized as a couple?

When Californian courts allowed gay marriage, the US became one of 6 countries to recognize the unions legally, the other 4 being the Netherlands, Spain, Canada, South Africa and of course, Homoguay. Let’s keep it that way and Mormons, stay out of people’s bedrooms, you wouldn’t want any of us going into your compounds, would you?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Suckage Takes A Major Hit

Nice job America- and I mean America- not just the East and West coasts- your country was circling the crapper and you capped off 18 months of Presidential campaigning to vote, en masse, for a black dude with a Muslim name. What happened, bummed that Mullah Omar wasn’t running so you went with the next best thing?

Joking of course. Tuesday night represented an amazing thing that happens all to rarely in our country- our people voted and…dare I say- got it right? Actually, if you count David Cook’s triumph over David Archuetta, and Vince Cater not getting voted into the NBA All-Star game, it’s kind of happened 3 times in a row now- perhaps it’s the start of a new trend of us, maybe at this year’s “People’s Choice” Nickelback will go home empty-handed. Could it be, as a people we’re “Getting It”? Oh wait, their making a Sex and the City sequel- oh well- it was fun while it lasted.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

What Sucks Election Coverage: Undecideds Struggle With Decision Whether Or Not To Be Racist

With mere hours to go before the most important election of our lifetime, undecided voters across the country continue to struggle with the choice before them- vote for an old dude who’s party has put the country in the place where it is today, and who selected a moron as his running mate, and who has tried to make a hero out of a right-wing, wannabe plumber, or for one day at least, don’t be a racist.

It’s really coming down to the wire for these “undecideds” who, before they go to the polls, have to balance their desire to be racist, with their desire to not lose their home, and to perhaps one day retire- ah to have the wisdom of King Solomon.

Many polls indicate a close race between those who have already decided whether or not they’re going to be racist, with Obama leading racists in some polls by only 2% so either way, it looks like undecided racists could have a big say in this election.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

What Sucks...Madonna

Add “having a marriage contract” to the incredibly large amount of things that Madonna is responsible for that suck. Jesus, it must have sucked to be Guy Ritchie for almost 8 years. Then again, what was he thinking?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce
- it came out that Madonna had a contract hanging from her fridge or something that listed all the things Guy was supposed to do in their marriage- read up on the Kabbalah- schedule times for sex! On second thought, I guess you kinda need to schedule sex with Madonna, cause if you don’t, you’ll wind up bumping into the Detroit Pistons one day while you’re hanging around your bedroom (she’s a whore!).

Seriously, who does Madonna think she’s reinvented herself into this time? And take a look at that picture up there- how much work is she having done- this chick looks like she’s been cut more times than Blade Runner.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What Sucks…Robo Calls

I understand that Robo Calls are despicable vehicles for misinformation and smears, but what I don’t understand is, who the hell is listening to them all the way?

I don’t get the problem- hang up the phone. Yeah, I get it that they’re saying mean and untrue things about your candidate but who is staying on the phone to listen to a mechanic voice spread rumors about someone? When I get a “robo-call” I hang up- I don’t know any robots, why would I talk to any of them?

Is it like, “Oh, this robot may have something important to say to me”? I don’t think it is, I think we have a lot of lonely people out there, listening to a mechanical voice on the other end of the line say bad things about Barack Obama.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What Sucks…The Reaper

Who would have thought this guy made porn? I mean, look at him- honestly- porn? No way. A baker maybe. EMS worker sure, but the guy who directed “Deep Throat”? I’m sorry, I don’t see it.

Anyway, the Reaper is a perv. Yesterday he took Gerard Damiano, aka Jerry Gerard, the man who made “Deep Throat”. Deep Throat was made reportedly for 25 grand and grossed 600 million or something like that. It was probably one of the most profitable films ever made- and certainly one of the most profitable financed by the mafia ("Rug Rats In Paris" not withstanding.) It also became the code name for Mark Felt, who contributed information to Woodward and Bernstein that you might say played a role in bringing down Richard Nixon.

So, good night, Gerard Damiano and thank you for your film about a woman who has a “clitoris” (still not sure what that is) in the back of her throat. Your contribution to society has done wonders for the movie business, politics and probably tissue sales worldwide (it’s a tear jerker).

Gerard Damiano, RIP.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What Sucks…Eels! (Electric and Otherwise)

Hey look, I’m scuba diving- deep under the water- sure I’m vulnerable to sharks and barracuda attacks, but at least I’m safe from snakes, right? No? There are some that live down here as well? Oh, and they’re vicious? AND THEY CAN GIVE ME AN ELECTRIC SHOCK? You’re shitting me. Hey G-d, you’re fired.

WTF? The sea isn’t dangerous and F’d up enough? We need eels?

The ELECTRIC eel, by the way technically a fish- a KNIFEFISH- can weigh 45 pounds and grow to 8 feet long. They have two bites- one where they shock the shit out of you- (500 volts) and one where they merely shock you so you get away from there permanently traumatized that you were bitten by some psycho underwater snake that has electric current running through it. So basically, like a Star Trek weapon, an eel can set itself on stun or kill.

So, hey God, nice job inventing the eel.

Every moment you spend in the ocean without being attacked is a victory.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Wall Street, Cats, Joe The Plumber, Madonna, Sarah Palin

…Wall Street

Look, I think it says volumes that the only sound investment you can make right now is “Brother Can You Spare a Dime” signs. The Dow Jones has taken more dives than Mike Tyson opponents post release from prison.


I don’t get the ‘tude. If anyone should be moody it should be the human who owns the house you poop in a box in. Also, I don’t care how superior you think you are, one of your main toys is string!

…Joe The Plumber

The guy is a plumber, so first of all- why am I supposed to be worried about his financial situation- you hire a plumber for anything recently? Folks, we’re not living in the time of the Honeymooners, those fuckers are expensive. He’s gonna be okay. You want to worry about someone? Worry about the person who has to pay him 135 dollars an hour while he recites republican talking points with his ass-crack hanging out!


How come she never re-invents herself as someone I can like? Just once I'd like to see her become a cool, brave fireman or something- she can even be a whorish fireman if she wants. There have been about 100 Madonnas over the course of her life, I don’t like any of them- who to hate more- cone bra Madonna, New Age Kabbalah Madonna or skanky old Lady who f’s A-rod Madonna? I guess it's why we all keep tuning in.

…Sarah Palin

Continues to work the “because he said he’d ‘spread the wealth around’/ Obama’s a socialist” angle even though she is the governor of a state in which each resident is given a kickback from the oil companies. And clearly, as shown on various videos on the net, has no clue what a Vice President does. Now she rails against Barack for being an elitist, yet has dropped 150K on clothes since she was chosen two and a half months ago. You heard it here first “Pulling A Palin” is officially a euphemism for “talking out of your ass only to be interrupted and contradicted by your own dick” (or vag where it may apply).

Hey: Cool Blog Announcement Coming Soon! Ooh, I bet you're intrigued!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What Sucks...AppleCare!

My Computer Died (Kinda!) The plug thing won't charge my computer, (not the adapter, the thing you plug your adapter into) and because there is a scratch on my computer the Mac store ironically titled "genius" bar is treating this like its a "pre-existing" condition. Ergo, my battery has about 2.5 hours left on it, and unless I figure something out, that's all the time I have with my precious laptop.

Thusly Applecare= being friggin worthless!

When did the Mac store become like our health care system?!

I am so pissed right now I'm considering voting for McCain, because if he won, I know it would be the only way I can ruin those smug bastards' day.

Those orange shirted dickwands are basically disqualifying me from using Applecare. I either have to buy a new computer (serious cash right now) or pay 1200 bucks to fix my current computer! Or go with a Dell like the great unwashed.

Either way I'm gonna be down until Monday- as I absorbed the bullshit Mac beatdown. Have a good weekend and I hope the Mac store doesn't do to your privates what its doing to mine!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What Sucks...John McCain


Seriously, this thing ends with this guy screaming at Wolf Blitzer in his bathrobe.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What Sucks…Blackwell, Farewell

Well, it finally happened, Blackwell, author of the annual Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List, died yesterday, leaving behind a rich assortment of campy articles and a bunch of traumatized young Hollywood hot chicks, who will now rest easier knowing they will not be the subject of some horribly mean pun directed at them.

As anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows, I have long been an outspoken critic of Blackwell and everything he stood for- dressing well, double entendre, pseudonyms to name a few.

I have long felt he went over the line in pointing out who was poorly dressed and in my opinion, had turned into a more and more bitter man with each successive list. Why did he die now however? Well, I managed to obtain and early draft of his Worst Dressed List for 2009. Take a look at number 4, I think it’s self explanatory.

4. Skull, dark robe and scythe? The Reaper’s outfit is the opposite of life! Always wearing the same thing is certainly dim, no wonder they call him grim! Jeepers creepers, when it comes to fashion you SHOULD fear the reaper!

Farewell, Blackwell good luck telling the Devil he shouldn’t wear those shoes with those pants. Please find below, WhatSucksBlog moving tribute to Blackwell.

What Sucks...Mr. Blackwell

BLOG NOTE: This post originally appeared on 1/12/07

It’s well chronicled how much of a douchenut this guy is and how in an era of a President taking a country to war under false pretenses, insurance companies denying clients the healthcare they pay for, and executives of major oil companies heading up agencies set up to protect the environment, this dick-jiggle has chosen to make his stand shitting on what hot chicks wear. Yet once again Blackwell has released his in his annual “Worst Dressed List” and once again, he continues to go too far.

Quick side note: making number ten on the list- Alison Arngrim. I’ll save you the google search- she played Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie. I’m glad that out of all the women in the world dressing inappropriately, Blackwell has decided to go after Nellie Oleson. What is this, payback for stealing an apple from Mary Ingels? She hasn’t worked since a 2 hour, made for TV “Little House” back in 1983- I’d like to see Blackwell try and impress on the red carpet when all he can wear is what he finds at the Culver City TJ Maxx. Blackwell = serious dick.

Here’s the list- as you’ll see, everything Blackwell wrote is in bold and is WAY over the line. If any of the women had husbands worth a damn, Mr. Blackwell would have his ass kicked.

10. Alison Arngrim:
Blackwell’s take: "Little Nellie of the prairie, looks like a 1940's fashion editor for the Farmers Almanac.”

- Really, Blackwell? What’s you’re take on the chick who played “Mary Bradford” on Eight is Enough? Oh, I guess I’ll have to wait till next year for that. Nice insult too, you don’t even try to rhyme or explain to anyone under 35 what Little House on the Prairie was. Clearly you asked for permission to borrow one of Nellie’s outfits for a masquerade party and when Ms. Arngrim refused, you put her on the list. Bush league.

9. Lindsay Lohan:
Blackwell’s take: "Lindsay the fashion frenzy strikes again! Lohan takes fashion to a new low. No wonder she drinks like a fish, I would too, if I dressed like this.”

- Lohan has long been a target of Blackwell’s but throwing her recent drinking issues into this is just uncalled for.

8. Jessica Simpson:
Blackwell’s take: "Forget the Cowboys. In prom queen screams, can it get any worse? She's a global fashion curse!...Are pink Cowboy jerseys now the plan? Throw her in a burka and ship her to Afghanistan.”

- Look, I don’t like Jessica Simpson either, but calling for her to be subject to the Taliban’s extreme Sharia law is a little over the line. I guess Blackwell is just jealous that she got Tony Romo before he did.

7. Avril Lavigne:
Blackwell’s take: "Gothic make-up courtesy the mad spatula — Fashions provided by ... The house of Dracula!...That eyeliner is on much too thick, here’s to hoping she kisses Magic Johnson and then gets sick.”

- I’m just stunned by this one. Over the line, insensitive, whatever else you want to throw in there- I mean this is offensive in countless ways.

6. Eva Green:
Blackwell’s take: "Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose! If Connery was still Bond, he’d slap the shit out of her and rightfully so.”

- Obviously Blackwell feels Sean Connery should be celebrated for his 1987 admission to Barbara Walters that a women should be hit to “keep her in line”. How does he get away with this? No woman, especially Eva Green, deserves to be beaten for what they wear.

5. Kelly Clarkson:
Blackwell’s take: "Her heavenly voice soars above the rest ... but those belly-baring bombs are hellish at best! She may be the queen of 'Pro-Active' — but that wardrobe looks downright radioactive! What she wears is so downright rotten, it’s probably a source of comfort for Osama Bin Laden.”

- Why is Blackwell so angry?

4. Fergie:
Blackwell’s take: "Another style-free 'Fergie' in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!..Every outfit she’s in looks like death, it says a lot about someone when they look better addicted to Meth. And Sarah Ferguson is a lonely hag.”

- There’s a lot going on here. Blackwell still obviously hates Sarah Ferguson- almost 2 decades removed from relevance- I guess she got to Prince Andrew before Blackwell could. As for bringing up Fergie’s past experience with Meth, all this woman did was put on a questionable outfit, why does that subject her to such attacks?

3. Mary Kate Olsen:
Blackwell’s take: "YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain ... she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!...I don’t like her in this, I don’t like her in that, and is it just me or is she getting fat?”

- First off, Mary-Kate’s struggle with anorexia is well documented I just hope Mary-Kate doesn’t read this, luckily, I don’t think she can read. I just hope no one reads this to her.

2. Amy Winehouse:
Blackwell’s take: "Exploding beehives above … tacky polka-dots below ... she's part 50's car-hop horror….A make-over is what she needs, dressed like this she couldn’t even get raped by the Janjaweed.”

- I’m completely horrified and speechless. Also, I think Blackwell left out the word “show” after “car-hop horror”. If he said “car-hop horror SHOW” it would have rhymed. But that is neither here nor there, the story on this one is a Janjaweed rape reference.

1. Victoria Beckham:
Blackwell’s take: "Forget the fashion spice — wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em…I hope she gets HPV.”

- Just a terrible thing to say no matter what a person is wearing. Blackwell is just completely out of control.

Not happy until poorly dressed women around the country are crying.