Friday, November 30, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper


Hey nice job Reaper- this guy has has been making you look bad for 30 years so now you finally get him, for what? Liver failure? F you reaper. This guy has been daring your lazy ass ever since he took his 1st swig of booze and beat his first girlfriend. I hope he runs your reaper-mobile off a ramp, over the Grand Canyon and into a ditch.


F you reaper.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What Sucks...Quick Hits!


…The NFL other than the Patriots

Can someone please at least look like they belong on the same field as the Pats? Belichick is coaching this year like he’s playing Madden. Every play Brady is throwing for the end zone- I don’t think they’ve punted since week three.


…People Magazine

Matt Damon is the Sexiest Man Alive. Really, is that the best we can do? Who came in 2nd? The guy from “Life Goes On”? Rocky Dennis? Who does McDreamy have to blow to get this award, cause seriously, tell him and he’ll do it!


…The Spice Girls

They’re back? Great. I’d rather see SARS reemerge. By the way, can we stop calling them “girls” and start calling them the Spice “Chicks A Rich Eurotrash Guy Coming Off His 1st Divorce Will Probably End Up With”?


…Stores opening at 4AM on the day after Thanksgiving

It just occurred to me- can we do earlier than 4 AM next year? I just had dinner with my family- I’d go to a book burning to get out of house.

Oh, and are we eating too much turkey? Cause my mom is making me a “white meat sweater” with the leftovers we had and TG was a week ago.


…Dog From “Dog The Bounty Hunter”

I am still personally shocked that a man who looks like this, and who’s name is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” is a racist. Does this man look like he’d use the N Word? No, he looks like he invented the “N word”. He looks like every time the N Word is used he gets a residual which he then donates to a foundation to create more racial slurs.

Nice crimped mullet by the way.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What Sucks…Amy Winehouse


Who is this, Ms. Bosnia Herzegovina 1991? Enough already! Amy Winehouse looks like how…Amy Winehouse feels.

Forget about falling apart at the seams, she’s decomposing in front of our eyes. She looks like she’s simultaneously playing an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean and HBO’s The Wire, season one. Seriously, I love this look- 1960’s Beehive, 1840’s no teeth.

Last week she lost her passport and airport security officials had to identify her through dental records.

Tommy Chong in 1978 was more subtle about his drug use.

Knock-down, drag-out brawls with her husband, snorting coke on stage- seriously, Heroin makers are ready to put disclaimers on their product “Heroin is not be for everyone, check with your doctor if its is right for you…”

Monday, November 26, 2007

What Sucks...Live On Fuse, Monday November 26!


Can't get enough What Sucks on the web? Have an ass-load of cable channels? Check out What Sucks live on Fuse! On The Sauce! Tonight!

What Sucks...Me, In Yet Another Episode of the Web Series I Wrote



Episode 4: Porn.

Yes, I'm holding a mirror up to society once again- this time its focused on adult video games. Are we laughing or are we crying because I have gotten to the heart of yet another issue...

Oh what the hell, just click on that fucker, we need some hits on it.

If you get a chance, leave a comment- try and beat "Jean-Claude", who said "I don't know whether to laugh or rip my eyes out."

Seriously, that quote will go on the DVD box.

Or "Steed" who wrote "...doubt any of those people have been with a real woman..."

I think, as an artist, that is exactly what I'm looking for.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

What Sucks...Turkeys Are Dicks Part 2


Feeling a little bit guilty about eating turkey this year again? Is it not resting well with you that 200 million turkeys will be eaten for dinner tomorrow? Well, take a look at some of this stuff from National Geographic that turkeys are responsible for and maybe you won’t feel so bad. Did you know…

…Turkeys fully support deadbeat dads and have lobbied Congress on their behalf.

…Two Turkeys have un-credited “Story By” acknowledgments on Rush Hour 3.

…A Turkey sits on the board of “Southern Company”, one of the world's leading polluters!

…A turkey invented the APR fee on credit cards.

…While in a crowded elevator, which is stopping on every floor, a turkey will often say “Well, looks like we’re on the local!”

So enjoy eating these total a-holes tomorrow and Happy Thanksgiving all!



What Sucks will return on Monday November 26- live 6-7 PM on "The Sauce"! On Fuse! Which is a cable channel!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

What Sucks...Detroit


Congratulations, criminals of Detroit!

The FBI, (Federal Bureau of Investigations, NOT Female Body Inspectors) named Detroit “America’s Most Dangerous City” today. Incidentally, Female Body Inspectors once again named Anchorage, Alaska in its top slot. (There’s a small amount of women in Alaska, compared to that of men so it’s hard to inspect any bodies without causing trouble.) Detroit finished second- you can get shot for just about anything there.

Rounding out the top 5 are…

St. Louis.

Last year’s champ, St. Louis is here mainly due to “East” St. Louis, which, if you are not familiar with, is depicted beautifully in the film “Vacation”, more specifically, in the “Roll ‘em up!” scene. Chevy Chase asks for directions back to the highway and is then told “Fuck Yo’ Mama!” To which he replies “Thank you very much!”. That's in East St. Louis!

Coming in 3rd? Flint, Michigan.
Apparently, the vacation home for Detroit criminals. Here’s all you need to know about Flint. Ever notice that when Michael Moore makes a film, he is immediately attacked by people who question his facts? Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 9-11, Sicko- his films are constantly under the microscope- EXCEPT when he’s talking about Flint. No one has a problem with Roger and Me. “Pet or Food” is rated in the "Flint Zagots" for Christsakes. Seriously, Flint landing number three here is quite a coup- I mean, what is left to steal? What a shithole.

Number 4: Oakland.
For anyone who has wanted to visit San Francisco, but found it too expensive to fly directly into San Fran, and chose to fly into Oakland instead, well, you really learn the value of the 120 bucks you save, don’t you? I understand the Oakland city council is considering a gang tax.

Number 5: Camden, NJ.
The crime rate in Camden has been so high, for so long that if you’re reading this from Camden, hey, stop stealing this computer!

But today is all about Detroit. Personally, I thought you should have had the title years ago when people were assaulted WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME, BY AN NBA TEAM!

Don't rest on your laurels, Detroit. Plenty of cities will be gunning for you. Good thing, you have so many guns.

Monday, November 19, 2007

What Sucks...Me, In A Web Series I Wrote!



Episode three in which Frank misleads Jeff as to who their next client it. It's intense- let's hope your OS can handle the sexual tension emitting from the screen!

Please watch and pass around, don't worry - the porn will be there when you get back!

Hit refresh- leave a comment about my hairline!

Free video game based on the link here...

MOCAPLLC.com

Friday, November 16, 2007

What Sucks…Things That Suck From The Perspective of Fish


…Fishing

Hey great idea, putting something I like to eat into the water, then when I go to bite it, I am dragged out of the water by my lips. Seriously, this is awesome. It gets even better, when I am pulled into a boat, judged to be too small, and thrown back into the water after a hook as been ripped from my mouth. Now, I’m scarred forever and rejected. Any fish reading this- worms don’t swim! You see a worm bobbing in your lake, stay away!


…Cleaning Fish

Another misleading term- hey, who doesn’t like to be “cleaned” oh wait, why are you cutting my head off? Oh “cleaning” means, cleaning me of my skin. Nice.


…Caviar

Oh, enjoying your expensive appetizer? You know to whom it costs even more? Me. You’re eating my next generation you rich bastard.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What Sucks…Bed And Breakfasts


I know I’m not the first to address this issue but the phenomenon the “Bed & Breakfast” may be the clearest indication yet of the difference between the minds of men and women. What follows is a brief explanation of the subject, using the latest in “what women say/ what men hear” technology patented by Tim Allen in the late 80’s.

To women, the “B&B” represents a romantic getaway to a quaint village seemingly forgotten by time. To men, it means we’re “doing it” on a stranger’s couch. Women say “I think we should go to a B&B this weekend.” Men hear, “Oh, you want to fuck on a stranger’s couch? Something wrong with our couch? Did our couch break?”

I don’t get the entire B&B experience- we’re staying at the home of a complete stranger, sharing a bathroom with complete strangers all for the pleasure of making awkward conversation with complete strangers who offer me Danishes and make me eggs in a way I don’t like them to be made.

They have sitting rooms where we are supposed to sit and read old magazines, in furniture that if we were to get comfortable in, would break. There are pillow covers, and ornate lamps and very little in the way of cable TV. There’s no way if we knew these people would we stay in their house- yet the fact that we don’t know them allows us to say “Yeah, I’ll sleep here, in the middle of nowhere, where no one can hear me scream.” B&B operators are boring and they clearly value things that I would never - like wind chimes and quilts. Their house is creaky and unsettling and they go to bed at 8 so if you should leave and come back you have to tiptoe to your room and the sun isn’t even down yet.

Oh by the way, I got up in the middle of the night last night to use the bathroom and met a ghost! Did you know you have a ghost living on the premises? Oh, it adds to the charm? Really? Cause in 1963, when a young couple’s car broke down outside and they rang the bell of the house you now own, he answered, invited them in, and then killed them in their sleep. That car buried out in back of the shed- that’s theirs and I think we could still keep the charm of the place if we dusted it for prints.


Something wrong with your couch?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What Sucks…Me, In A Web Series I Wrote: MoCap Men



Hello, two hundred and eighty-four readers who come by here for a page view each day. Please check out this web short I wrote and shot over the summer. It has premiered on Gametrailers.com and will hit YouTube this week as well. Do me a favor, click on it about million times if you can- I’d appreciate it and if you think it’s cool, forward it to someone you like- if you think it sucks, forward it to someone you don’t like.

Mo Cap tells the story of two idiots who work in the in a motion capture studio (motion capture is the digital recording of movement for use in video game design). They get the crappy assignments and think they are very talented while they are not. It’s kind of like “The Office” meets “Tron”.

There are 6 webisodes, each one will appear on Spike’s Gamehead (hosted by the great Geoff Keighley) and then it will go onto the web- so click on each new episode a million times so I can be as rich and famous as that Tay Zonday guy!



Also, there’s a video game I wrote based on the series in which you can attack a guy using a pit-bull. It’s free, so check that out here…

WWW.MOCAPLLC.COM

Just a word of caution there is some adult language, (and a guy shows his ass) so, you know, perhaps keep the volume down if you’re at work and avoid viewing it in front of “uptight folk”.

Thanks in advance for taking 2 minutes away from your normal porn intake to check out my videos!

What Sucks…Stephon Marbury, Isiah Thomas and The Knicks


What a well-oiled machine of suck the Knicks are. To get this kind of pure, unadulterated, shittiness, you really have to go all the way back to something like the Coalition Provisional Authority set up in the early days of the Iraq invasion lead by Paul Bremer. (That’s right folks, there’s a war is still going on and I’m reminding you of it- I am SO in your face!)

Just in the past few months here are a few things that have gone down with the Knicks- keep in mind, this is an NBA Basketball team, not the Woo-Tang Clan in their hey-day.

Coach Isiah Thomas and Point Guard, leading player Stephon Marbury may have gotten into a fistfight on an airplane.

Stephon Marbury just basically leaves the team when they land in Phoenix. This is a guy by the way who basically has caused the trade of about 6 players off the Knicks, 5 of whom wanted to kick his ass- and caused the firing of at least one, maybe two, Hall of Fame coaches.

This interview happens…



This video is made…



The team’s owner- James Dolan, testifies on videotape, wearing a horrible sweater, that he fired Anucha Browne Sanders because she made a big deal about getting sexually harassed. His sweater is so schubby looking no one really pays attention to what he’s actually saying, which is that he fired her for speaking out, effectively admitting to wrongfully terminating her.

Isiah loses a sexual harassment case costing his boss and MSG 11 million bucks in which it is revealed that Starbury has not only called the woman who is suing Isiah Thomas a “bitch”, but has also had sex with a Knick intern in his SUV.

What's next? A gunfight? Someone kills someone else? This team has so many public embarrassments that people in NY actually think Eddy Curry playing center is a good thing.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

What Sucks…Clap-Ridden America! Perv Watch V. 15


Congratulations, pervs!

Did you have nasty, unprotected sex in a subway bathroom on the way to work this morning? Were you involved in a three way with 2 people you met at a bus station? Is your significant other a transient?

If you answered yes to any of those three questions, according to CNN and the CDC, you’re probably not alone- and better still, your diligence and hard, disgusting work has paid off- America has set an all time record in getting and transmitting STD’s. Way to go, everyone!

Seriously, give yourselves a hand- I mean how much F-ing is going on out there? You beat a record previously set in the 70’s for Christ sakes!

More than a million cases reported! And it’s not just Chlamydia! It’s Gonorrhea- which is showing signs of having a superbug- and ongenital syphilis- which babies get from mothers- on the rise for the first time in 15 years! We’re giving STD’s to people who are just born! What a year it has been for whores and shady people! Take a bow!

I know what you’re thinking- do we as a country have what it takes to break the world record? I think we do- but we really have to hunker down- I mean you have some serious heavyweights out there- Haiti- Thailand, Brazil, Canada. But if we put our mind to it, I know we can do it. Get out there and F someone dirty!

You all make me sick!

What Sucks Salutes...Women With Bad Taste In Men V.2



…The wives of any member of the Taliban!


Brooke Simmons- the fiancé of John Mark Karr!



…Kelly Carpenter!



…Rudy Guiliani’s 1st cousin, Donna Hanover and Judith Nathan!




…Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme!




...Khieu Ponnary! She married Pol Pot and THEN(?!) went crazy?!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

What Sucks…I’m At A Loss For Words: Tyra Banks- Perv Watch V.14


There is so much wrong with this I feel like I should apologize for something even though I know in my heart and mind I did nothing wrong. I mean look at this clip- there are puppets, there are supermodels, retards, this is a tidal wave of suck. I don’t know where to start.

Apparently Tyra today talked to a bunch of women who did not know they had vaginas.

At least that’s what I think happened. All I saw was this clip- I didn’t see the rest of the show. I have no idea if Tyra started off the show pulling a gun out and telling the crew to roll tape cause she “had a lot on her fucking mind and needed to fucking think”. I don’t know if she finally cracked and pulled a Howard Beale from Network and just left the fucking reservation- I don’t know what the hell is going on here. I just know there is Tyra, she’s holding an adult, chubby white woman and next to her, on a bar stool, is a woman with a vagina puppet.

First off, are they’re women out there who don’t know about their vaginas? Because I seriously, can’t imagine a guy out there who doesn’t know about his dick. Guy animals know about their dicks. Maybe women are like that, I don’t know. Seriously, if that is the case, if there are women out there who don’t know about their privates…I don’t know how to finish this sentence.

At about the 2:49 mark of the above clip, this woman pulls out a vagina puppet. Now, again, I didn’t know there were vagina puppets, but apparently there are. If you work at a company that makes vagina puppets…if you own that company, and those things are sold for non-porn reasons…I don’t know how to finish this sentence.

Here are some random quotes that take place in here…

2:39 (After she has taken her vagina puppet out) …it’s a little silly because we don’t really have velvet and satin and little flowers down there, so when you do look down there, don’t be surprised if you don’t find this…

1:43 (When the perv with the puppet is describing that women have different labia, Tyra jumps in with) …It’s like faces are different and that can be different for women as well.

1:15 Tyra points out that a lot of women think that you “pee and have a baby from the same hole.”

Do women really think that? Are women secretly retarded?

Finally, who is this white woman Tyra is holding as she goes on this insane tirade? My first guess is she’s a hostage. Is she? Cause my second guess is, she’s a retard. Is she? The audience has that vibe going that says "If we were all in Chechnya the Russian army would be in here in 5 minutes and we’d all be dead.”

How does something like this happen? How does a woman break out a gun and hold an entire TV studio audience hostage as she goes on and on about her vag?

What Sucks…This Woman Who Killed Albino Deer


I don’t know how rare albino deer are, I imagine they are rare, I’ve never seen one, but imagine the over-all shitiness involved with being an albino deer, and having to be taken out by this chick.

Also, call it a major disconnect, but this story would be reported so much differently in New York. Anyway you cut it, what a fountain of suck this evening's news was for deer albino or otherwise. Tough break deer, sorry you had to be taken out by this lady, who right now is probably waiting for a “Hot Pocket” to finish cooking in her microwave.

Go ahead and forward this link to any children you know- let them know a lady in Minnesota had to "creep 40 yards" so she could shoot the last unicorn.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

What Sucks...I'll Never Poop On Grey's Anatomy Again



Or at least until the strike is over, I mean come on.



It's called "McSolidarity", folks.

F the AMPTP by the way.

Monday, November 05, 2007

What Sucks...The AMPTP



There’s a writer strike beginning Monday, one of the main issues being compensation for material used in what is called “New Media”. New media is the new and re-purposed content you see or will see on your cell phone, iPods and the web.

Networks and studios sell that content and make large amounts of money on it without compensating those who have created it. As of now these corporations are being asked to pay the creators of that content somewhere along the lines of 2.5 cents of every dollar they make on it. That proposal, starting at 2.5 cents of each dollar they make, has so enraged the studios and networks that they have chosen to leave the negotiating table.

So support the WGA in their efforts to get a fair contract. Thanks and remember, WGA members only write “According To Jim”, they’re not the people who decide to put it on the air.

Friday, November 02, 2007

What Sucks…Quick Hits



…Kid Rock Having The # 1 Album/ Kid Rock Fighting Everyone


Why is Kid Rock getting into fights wherever he goes and how the hell did he have the # 1 album? America is clearly torn. People are either listening to Kid Rock or fighting him. The VMA’s, a Waffle House- there is no reason why Kid Rock should be fighting more than Chuck Liddell.


…The Flu Shot

Look, I’m no doctor but the flu shot is actually the flu they are shooting into you. Great thanks! Can’t wait for the Hepatitus C shot- no wait, let me save you some time, I’ll just sleep with an Eastern European hooker!


…The People Pissed About Dumbledore’s Gayness

Why do religious people sweat fictional character gayness so much? The guy doesn’t exist. You want to worry about actual gay people- try your priests. (Dissed and dismissed, Catholic Church!)


…TI Getting Arrested

Getting arrested trying to buy a gun happens. Getting arrested at the BET Awards while trying to buy 3 machine guns with 2 silencers and having 9 more guns in your home and car happens at the Source Awards. When people get busted like this, they usually say they need the guns for protection- who’s coming after TI, Master Chief?

Even DMX is like “Dude, seriously, chill.”

Thursday, November 01, 2007

What Sucks News Shocker: Dog From “Dog The Bounty Hunter”, A Racist!



As unbelievable as it seems, the man pictured above- known as Dog The Bounty Hunter, was caught on tape repeatedly using the “N” word, and may in fact be a racist.

The stunning discovery was made yesterday when a taped phone conversation in which Dog (pictured above), a guy who did time in prison and who now works as a bounty hunter, used a racial epithet to describe a member of the African American community who was dating his son. On the tape, Dog talks of persuading his son to stop dating the woman so that he might continue to use the “N” word with impunity around his friends and family.

It is unclear right now as to what his son will do in the relationship, but the incident has sent shock waves through Hollywood and bounty hunter communities.

“We are stunned that a man who looks like he does, and works as a bounty hunter- and who is called ‘Dog’, could be capable of using such distasteful language.” Said one Hollywood insider who preferred to stay in anonymity.

“It’s important to remember Dog is only one, ex-con, bail bond business owning bounty hunter. It is not fair to paint the entire bounty hunter industry as people who readily use racial slurs.” added, a bounty hunter who agreed to speak with anonymity, before he sought a “Mexican” at a truck stop in Barstow, California.

A&E, the network which airs Dog the Bounty Hunter, was quick to pull the show from production saying “We are shocked at the recent events surrounding our show about a bounty hunter, who has 12 kids. We condemn what Dog has said and remain steadfast in our objective to provide quality entertainment for the public.”

A&E will fill the slot on their schedule with repeats of “The Best of Dog The Bounty Hunter” until further notice.