Wednesday, October 31, 2007

What Sucks Presents…Bad Halloween Costume Ideas


Don’t go as any of these!



JoAnn Worley!



Ving Rhames’ Dog (The one who killed a guy!)



Duk Koo Kim!




That Iraqi Chemical Ali Guy!



'Smuggler’s Blues' Era Glenn Frey!



And a speculum!

What Sucks...The Reaper


And so the reaper has taken the great Goulet, a man of immense class, tremendous presence and great humor. Why reaper, why? Why do you have to be such a huge douchebag?

Bob Goulet, RIP.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

What Sucks...Dancing With The Stars


First off, I still don’t understand why “stars” in the title doesn’t have quotation marks around it. Now, they almost kill Marie Osmond. Will it take a death to finally get this show off the air? It’s not like its really helping anyone. Look at what past winners have done…



As you can see from the above chart, anyone who has won this thing or come close to winning has either faded back into obscurity, or is waiting to get into the NFL Hall of Fame.

Was Marie Osmond chosen by the Mormon god Sundar to die on live TV so that Dancing With The Stars would be finally ended? Was she selected as the sacrificial lamb so that all of our suffering would be ended? I guess we’ll never know as she did not die and Dancing With The Stars lives on.

Monday, October 29, 2007

What Sucks…“A Shot At Love With Tila Tequilla”


Clever use of the shot glass in the above title card MTV, when we all know you mean this…


Okay, so outside of watching “Deadliest Catch” while having unprotected sex with Courtney Love, this is definitely the closest you can get to a STD while watching basic cable.

Who sponsors this thing, your local clinic? If you watched this in 3D, you’d have Chlamydia. MTV aired back to back episodes the other day and my TV developed a rash. I wanted to change the channel but my remote was producing a “milk-like” discharge whenever I tried to.

And it’s not just me- it’s the critics..

“…this is ‘MUST SEE…Your-Doctor-For-Penicillin’ TV!” Tom Shales, Washington Post

“…truly appointment television- with your physician.” Bill Carter, New York Times.

“…Just like ‘The Batchelor, but instead of getting a rose, you get herpes!” Entertainment Weekly

I heard the numbers are good though, last week’s episode got a 13 share- among bacteria 18-34 and not only did a repeat “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila” beat a 1st run Drake & Josh, it took its virginity. To congratulate the cast and crew MTV took out and ad in Variety and Prevention Magazine.


A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila
airs Tuesday at 8 PM on MTV!

What Sucks…The Colorado Rockies


I can’t believe the Boston Red Sox have won TWO World Series in my lifetime. Hey Rockies, thanks for showing up.

Making this better, the Red Sox win their SECOND World Series in four years in the same year that my Yankees passive aggressively get rid of a guy who’s made the playoffs 12 years in a row, and won 4 World Championships through that time.

The Pats are 7-0, the Celtics have Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Even Rudy Giuliani announced he was rooting for the Sox- I mean how much better can life get for Boston fans? What’s next, the legalization of date rape? You guys on are on roll.

Hats off to the Sox, 2007 World Champs.

What Sucks...Live On Fuse, Monday Roctober 29!



(Ahem, this is the big announcement.)

Hey, does your cable plan have 153 channels? Cause if it does and you tune to FUSE, approximately channel 152 (check your local listings), you can catch the world television premiere of the What Sucks. I'll be on a show called "The Sauce" (its Fuse's TRL but much cooler) which airs every day between 6 and 7 PM.

Check it out. It's the best/ worst of October and to the 254 of you who come to this blog everyday, let us all rejoice in this incredible jump from blog, to little watched basic cable. I'll try not to let it go to my head.

Here's the home page of the show I'll be on- The Sauce.

Also, I'm slowly changing the address of this Blog to "WhatSucksBlog.Com" or "What-Sucks.org can't decide which one but when I do, be prepared cause it's gonna rock your world.

What Sucks…Some Recent Victories By Suckage


I fell a little behind last week on some stuff and feel like I have to address a few recent victories taken by suckage.

…Yankee Management: Passive Aggressively Fires Joe Torre: Passive Aggressive Watch V.2

Suits and pencil pushers in the Yankee organization offered 4 time World Champion manager Joe Torre a one-year contract for 5 million bucks, with incentives that bring the deal to 8 million if he wins the World Series.

Now, let’s put the money aside for a second, because what the Yankee suits want you to do is say “Wow, turning down 5 million dollars to be the manager of the Yankees? What an ass!”

What this really signifies is some suit who works for the Yankees saying that, “We don’t want Joe Torre around, but we don’t have the grapes, the stones, the chestnuts as it were, to come out and fire him, like men. We’re gonna put together this passive aggressive, weak-ass contract, with insulting ‘incentives’ that only ½ a man would sign. We don’t want to look like we’re firing him, because we’re huge pussies and lack anything resembling the brass ones it would take to fire a guy who has won the World Series 4 times and made the post season each year he’s been manager.”

And whoever the Yankee manager is next year, if they don’t win the World Series, will they be fired? Will Randy Levine, and Steinbrenner’s Fredo-like sons Hank and Hal offer up an excuse?

Today or tomorrow Joe Girardi or Don Mattingly will be named manager of the Yankees- I hope he doesn’t do anything to screw himself up, like win a lot.



…This Whole Ellen Thing

I have a few questions….

Did people really call a dog adoption place with death threats? Did that happen? For Ellen? Who is taking the time to make death threats to a dog rescue? How could you possibly make a death threat on behalf of Ellen and sound remotely menacing?

“Hey, you better give that dog back to happy, dancing talk-show host Ellen, Moms and Mutts Lady, or you better grow eyes in the back of your head.”

“Ellen was crying on TV today- you’ll give her back that puppy, or you’ll be crying too!”

“If I were you I’d be extra careful crossing the street today- I live for the 4 PM showing of Ellen and today, she was so upset I had to watch Dr. Phil.”

I’d be like- oh, you watch Ellen- really. Oh wait- oh, I get it, you’re threatening me.

Who is making these calls- who are the physically imposing, potentially violent elements of our society who also watch Ellen?

And are they just waiting for someone to give Rachel Ray a bad deal on some of her ingredients?

“I heard you wouldn’t give Rachel Ray a deal on cilantro- how’s she supposed to make ‘Mexican Chili Lasagna’? I’m talking to a dead man.”




…Linda Stasi of The New York Post

Last Monday Linda Stasi wrote this hack/ hatchet job article about the possible upcoming Writer’s Guild Strike.

Showing brazen ignorance, Stasi basically bashes the notion of a writers strike, because, well, if you look at the article, she doesn’t like a number of new shows for the fall season- specifically, Carpoolers, Gossip Girl and Women’s Murder Club.

Sadly, as stupid as she sounds- and she does sound stupid- the average reader who may not be familiar with the workings of the entertainment business, hears her “spoiled, lazy writers are greedy” subtext and misses out entirely on what this strike is all about.

Her argument is basically, because in her opinion TV sucks, the WGA is way out of line wanting their members to benefit from the work they will do in new media for the next, I don’t know, 25 years.

First of all, obviously, the quality of shows has nothing to do with the collective bargaining agreement. WGA writers don’t get bonus money in their pension for winning an Emmy and they don’t lose any coin for working on “According To Jim”. Secondly, writers don’t select the shows that make the fall schedule, that’s management’s job- so spew your venom on the guy who green-lit Carpoolers, instead of the guy who’s trying to polish the turd, you ass-hat.

This is a woman who is a television critic, knowing nothing about television and using the New York Post as a megaphone to bash the WGA because she’s not into new shows on the CW. And technically, she’s a a writer. Unbelievable.

Look, I don’t like those shows either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think the guys who wrote them should be allowed to have their kids go to the doctor. This strike is about the content people will be watching on phones, iPods, the internet and other places- as well as what you watch on TV, DVD and in the movie theaters- content networks make and will continue to make BILLIONS of dollars on.

There may be a lot wrong about the WGA, but wanting their members to be paid fairly for the work they do, is not one of those things.

Hey Linda Stasi- you suck.

Friday, October 26, 2007

What Sucks...MSNBC, Scientists Into Worms "Doing It": Perv Watch V13


Hey scientists, get your heads out of worm sex- GAY worm sex no less- and go back into science and do something we can all benefit from, okay?

Scientists at the University of Utah have discovered that if you mess with the brain of a worm, you could turn it gay. Great. I don't want to say you wasted a lot of time, but you could have asked Andy Dick, and then went on to study something that might make a difference in our lives. Nice work fellas. Fucking with worm sexuality is exactly what we need now and how bout a big thanks to MSNBC for giving these pervs the attention they were seeking.

NOTE: Whoa, big What-Sucks news coming soon. I don't see how any of you can sleep with this announcement pending.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What Sucks...This Book Title



Pretty sure it's the real deal, check this out. (Saw this on the great Boing-Boing among other places).

NOTE: Sorry I haven't been active in the past couple of days, trying to get out from under a huge pile of work, but I could have a huge, What-Sucks announcement in the works. Ooh the anticipation must be killing you all.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What Sucks…People Who Are Saying Hillary Is the One


Stop saying she’s the one! Nothing has been decided- no one has cast a vote yet.

Jesus, every time I turn the news or radio on, people are basically handing this thing to her. Republicans are already taking shots at her in their debates- Rudy has even gone so far as to drop two 9-11 references so he can make a couple of Hillary zingers. That’s right- he’s down to 798 9-11 references! This is crazy!

We’re over a year away from the election and we’re already settling? Come on- let’s at least put up a fight. Hillary is the one? Really? Look, I’m not saying we don’t have some sucky choices, but let’s make her at least earn it. Her democratic competitors may not be setting the world on fire, but they’re better than the guy we have now who’s ACTUALLY setting the world on fire.

I guess the people who are saying she’s the one are the media, because I can’t find anyone who’s so over the top excited for Hillary they’re ready to commit to her. Me? I’ll commit to her when Bill does! (Thank you. Feel free to use that gem tomorrow at work!).

Seriously, though, the media is fucking us- they’re trying to tell us Hillary is the choice, they tell us that John Edward’s haircut was important and that it’s okay to get excited for Fred Thompson when he’s not even the most qualified guy from Law & Order to run. Ice-T all the way!

What Sucks…Britney, Britney As A Parent


A judge, in an American court today, this is not a joke, this was in an actual court, said, as part of his job as a judge- totally seriously- that K Fed, Britney’s one time husband who was like a backup dancer and came out with a hip hop album a year or so ago, was a better parent- this is a guy who has two kids with the girl from Moesha, who left the girl from Moesha while she was pregnant to go be with Britney- was a BETTER parent than Britney, and took her kids away from her, and gave them to K Fed.

A judge GAVE kids to K-Fed.

This is not one of those King Solomon “cut the baby in half” thing- where the real parent is supposed to jump in there and do the right thing at the last minute- in his better judgment, as part of his job as a judge, the guy said “Holy shit, K-Fed, thank god you’re here. Here, take these kids, perhaps with you, they have a chance. Yes, you K-Fed. Stop looking around. I am talking to you. K-Fed. I can’t legally give the kids to the family dog. I looked into it- it’s a no-go.”

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What Sucks…"Keeping Up With The Kardashians"


Why would I want to keep up with these people? Can't I just assume I know what whores are doing? Wouldn’t this time be better spent doing some charity work? Or reading a book? Or killing an old-timey hobo? That’s what I did when “Gastineau Girls” was on.

The whole “keeping up” thing rubs me the wrong way. Am I going to miss something? What, she’s (SPOILER ALERT) NOT gonna take diet pills? She’s (SPOILER ALERT) NOT gonna starve herself before her big photo shoot? She’s (SPOILER ALERT not going to use her body to gain the approval of some douchebag guy? This is “Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s” not “Keeping Up With The Thatcher’s”.

Here’s all you need to know about this show- “Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest”. He lied to me by the way- I saw him in a fancy LA bar and he said he was going in for the art. His next project was writing a screenplay with Ang Lee based on the Tiananmen Square Massacre. By the way, I don’t get how this show gets made and no one is interested in my crime-solving botanist show. Total bullshit.

By the way, do you know how many companies have to pass on something before it ends up on E? That means MTV said no, VH1 said no, BRAVO said no, BET, USA, STYLE, WE- I mean the only place left to go after “E” is A&E.

And Jesus, did Bruce Jennner get the license plate of that industrial fire that hit him? That guy is clearly more machine than man now. By the way, on the CHiP’s set, he was known as the “shitty” actor.

From the mind of Ryan Seacrest, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” asks “Have you ever seen an 11 year old girl on a pole?”

Oh and, every woman in this show has a fat ass. Kept up enough? I’m out!

What Sucks...The View (again)


WTF is going on here? Why are 4 women allowed to sit at a desk and just curse like crazy mo-fos on TV?

Look, I don't even watch the View, seriously, I don't- I work for a living and it’s on during the day. Everything I post here is stuff that I come across on the web. Imagine if I DID watch the View- that's all I'd write about. Honestly, it may be the worst man-made thing ever and we made napalm. I'd really rather have gout than watch this. I don't know how else to put it- I’m saying that I’d rather have a horrible disease that effects your toe-joints and involves pee. Honestly, I bet if I ever went on vacation or something, I could just put streaming video of the View up here and be covered.

So much sucks about this show, I know I put the View up here a lot, some may say “enough already!” But it is not me who controls this- it is the evil that is the View. But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe it doesn't suck to be subjected to Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg cursing you out. Maybe this is “good”. Maybe it was good that everyone knows who Lisa Ling is, or Star Jones or Star Jones-Reynolds or Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Perhaps this doesn’t suck.

Wait a minute. It does. It blows.

What Sucks...Live Blogging Things That Should Not Be Live Blogged: The Shakira/ Beyonce “Beautiful Liar” Video



When two major artists collaborate it’s important to examine the work they do together. as a music lover, it’s always interesting to see how each individual artists work will influence the others. Thus, I was very excited to see that Shakira and Beyonce teamed up on a song called “Beautiful Liar”. Let’s together look at this piece of work and observe it’s effect on these successful artists.

:03 here we go

:10 All right! There’s Beyonce…

:15 And there’s Shakira! We’re looking at them through some sort of cloud effect. Cool. Sounds like Shakira is singing Beyonce’s name and Beyonce is answering Shakira by singing her name. How cool.

:20 And Beyonce is singing…very nice there- she has such a pretty voice…

:25 Oh, there’s Shakira…I guess she has the vocal part that kind of echoes Beyonce. So nice to see them compliment each other so well. It’s amazing how these two stars can collaborate with their styles being so different…

:33 These two have such great styles- it’s obvious they take their craft very seriously.

:45 I’m enjoying this chorus- and the way each artist is filmed in this room.

:51 And I have to say, I like how they are trading off verses, giving each other a chance to sing lead- they are showing so much professionalism.

1:12: Oh, I guess it’s Shakira’s turn to sing lead. Very nice- again, Beyonce is backing her up just as solidly as Shakira backed Beyonce up before.

1:47 Nice, now we’re back in the chorus. So catchy this tune.

2:04 Oh, they’re they are in the same shot, laying next to each other on what seems like a strip cub stage. HOLY SHIT, PLEASE KISS!

2:07 KISS EACH OTHER!

2:10 BEYONCE, KISS SHAKIRA- PLEASE!

2:16 SHAKIRA, PLEASE KISS BEYONCE!

2:18 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:22 OH SWEET JESUS, KISS EACH OTHER YOU ARE BOTH SO HOT!!!

2:25 OH JESUS THEY ARE DANCING TOGETHER NOW FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS

2:28 OH GOD, IT LOOKS LIKE, YES THEY ARE DANCING ON SOME STRIP CLUB STAGE! OH COME ON- MAKE OUT! YOU’RE ALREADY HALF WAY THERE!

2:32 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:34 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:38 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:40 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:40.5 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE OUT!

2:42 OH SWEET JESUS THEY ARE DOING A BELLY DANCE!

2:51 NOW ITS RAINING AND THEY ARE BOTH SOAKING WET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!

2:56 OH SWEET JESUS, SHAKIRA, RUB BEYONCE’S SHOULDERS- SHE’S HAD A ROUGH DAY- SHE NEEDS A MASSAGE! PLEEEEEEEAAAAASSE!

3:06 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:10 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:14 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:18 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:21 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:25 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

3:27 PLEASE MAKE OUT!

Well, I guess no risk, no reward. Honestly, I expect more from these two dynamic performers. Overall- thumbs down!

Monday, October 15, 2007

What Sucks…The Arizona Cardinals


An open letter to the Arizona Cardinals:

Dear Arizona Cardinals:

You suck. For years you have sucked. You guys sucking is nothing new. However this week, you may have sunk to a new low- or, for the purposes of this blog, a “Suck Zenith”. You lost to a team quarterbacked by Vinny Testaverde. In 2007. You lost to a 44 year old Vinny Testaverde AND, you didn’t even get an interception. This is Vinny Testaverde who threw his first interceptions while most of the people on your team were in kindergarten. He beat you. And…reading a little further on this subject it seems you tried to sign him this week and he said no.

Let me recap.

44 year old interception machine Vinny Testaverde not only threw a touchdown pass and was not picked off in a game in which he beat you 25-10, he also said “no thanks, I can do better than the Cardinals” when you tried to sign his old ass.

Additionally, you also suck because the most famous player ever on your team is Rod Tidwell, who is fictional, you made the playoffs twice in 25 years AND in Jerry Maguire, your GM was played by Glenn Frey.

To sum up, you guys have blown for years, but seriously- Vinny?



Come on.

Yours,

What-Sucks.blogspot.com
(go Big Blue)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

What Sucks…HBO's Tell Me You Love Me


Okay, I was doing a little cleaning out of the DVR when I came across the first couple of episodes of this hour-long commercial for single life. This has to be the worst show no one is watching.

For those not familiar, which is probably all of you as I must be the only blogging about this (Oh The Places You’ll Go, When Things Suck) “Tell Me You Love Me” is a new show on HBO- under what I can only assume is their new motto- “It’s not TV, it’s…(get ready for something clever)…depressing as hell!” Feel free to use that gem at your office water cooler!

Anyway, it’s taken up the time slot on Sunday night- former home of The Sopranos, Entourage and until recently John From Cincinnati. Simply put- this show is just what the doctor ordered. If you have the type of doctor who wants you to watch a depressing show that graphically features old people having sex and guys getting hand jobs- from their wives, no less.



Couple #1, married with kids, haven’t had sex in a year.


The guy masturbates every morning when his wife gets up to take a shower. How do we know this? Cause it’s featured every week on the show starting with the 1st episode! Hey HBO- when people want sex on TV, they don’t mean 40-year-old guys beating it under their sheets! At least Oz waited till episode 2 to show a guy spanking his monkey. By the way, (SPOILER ALERT) if this guy fucks his wife, this hour long show gets cut in half. Just saying. By the way, this couple pays a lot of money to go to a couple’s therapist, who is depicted as being very well trained although she for some reason refuses to say “Hey Dave, fuck your wife.”

Couple #2, married, trying to have kids.


The wife, played by the hot chick who plays Penny in Lost, is freaking out because she can’t conceive so she and her husband, start having that “functional/ get me pregnant” sex in such a revolting, operational way, as a viewer, you no longer want to see Penny from Lost naked or want to have sex with her. Maybe Desmond from Lost saw an advanced screening of this and that’s why he walked out on her. Also, the show must be sponsored by EPT because Penny takes more pregnancy tests than women who sleep with former NBA star Shawn Kemp.

NOTE: On a positive note, I do have to say kudos to the producers who, after all, were able to actually capture that special quality of marriage that makes what would seem a hot, sexy chick undesirable.


Couple #3, are engaged, now broken up (didn’t make it past episode 3)




She is a hot, sex-loving chef. He is a poor man’s Mark Ruffalo who never seems to shave. By episode 3 they are broken up. The reason for the breakup? Him floating the idea that even after marriage, he won’t stop sleeping around. This was overheard by his finance, so, instead of doing some serious denying, and rephrasing and apologizing to her, he sticks to his guns, which I could actually respect- until he then begins to act indignant about it. Dude, you drop a bomb like that and then expect your finance’ to be cool with it ? You have a point of view that Johnny Cochrane couldn’t sell to an all-black jury, don’t be indignant about it!

All in all “Tell Me You Love Me” is like hanging out with your best married friends, after they just had a big fight or after the guy got drunk and blurted out that he wanted to fuck his wife’s sister.

And finally, who the fuck would wear a t-shirt from this show?



Tell Me You Love Me is on Sunday nights at 9!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What Sucks…An Apology To Gargamel


NOTE: Shortly after I posted my blog entry for today (see here or scroll down) I received this email and suffice to say, I totally feel like crap so I am, with permission, reprinting the entire article. Publicly, I am also going to take this opportunity to apologize to Gargamel.

Gargamel’s response:

An Open Letter to the What-Sucks Community:

To Whom it May Concern At What-Sucks.Blogspot.com:

You’ll be surprised, I suppose, to learn that we do share many of the same views regarding the presence of hate in our society. Further, I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that, in fact I do have a reason for my feelings about Smurfs.

I’ll cut to the chase for you and any readers you may want to share this with so that they will know my feelings for the Smurfs. I trust that you are capable of using your blog as a forum for informing as much as you are for tearing things down. Here’s the long and short of it…

A Smurf fucked my wife. Brainy, Jokey, it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that they destroyed the life I built.

I wonder if you have any idea what that is like. Because if you do, if you DO know what it’s like to have a Smurf fuck your wife, behind your back, without you knowing, 3 Apples High- you’d know what true pain is. You’d know what it’s like to come back from a walk in a forest and find your wife acting strange. You’d know what it’s like to find blue hair in your shower. You’d know what it feels like to have your wife ask you if you knew any spells that would shrink her and turn her blue “just out of curiosity”.

Yeah I made Smurfette. You wouldn’t? I guess you’re a better man than me. Yeah I said Smurf’s would be good in tea. Why not? Yeah, they can be turned into gold- maybe then someone else would try and kill them too. So I hoped you “Smurfed” my story- I hope you can “Smurf” it with someone else. And while you’re at it, go “Smurf” yourself.

And by the way, thanks for using a picture of me that makes me look like a psychopath. You don’t have one where I don’t look like a crazy person? I coached soccer for 9 years- why don’t you google something.

Yours,

GM

What Sucks…Gargamel


What is this asshole’s problem with Smurfs?

Depending on your source, Gargamel hates Smurfs and wants to capture them because he…

a) thinks they can be used to make gold
b) wants to put them in a pot and make tea
c) just wants to eat them
d) all of the above

Which is it? Will they make gold? Will they make tea? Or is it “none of the above” and just a case of one, bitter man so overcome with hate, so cold in his heart, that all he can do is destroy?

What would lead a man to create “Smurfette”, a female Smurf, in an effort to destroy the Smurf community? Clearly, and sadly, it’s unadulterated hate. Gargamel wants Smurfs- little, blue, cheery Smurfs- dead.

Think that kind of hate doesn’t matter? Swap out the word “Smurf” for “Chinese Person”, “Native American”, or “Swede”. Or Mexican. How funny is unchecked, unfounded hatred now? A man thinking Chinese people can be used to make gold? A man wanting to make tea with a Native Americans? A man wanting to eat a Swede? A man inventing a female Mexican to infiltrate Mexico and cause their destruction.

This world has too much hatred without cause. Gargamel is a symbol of that hate and that can’t stand.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

What Sucks…“Aluminum Bottles”



Yeah, these are great, except that, you know, they’re cans. I’ll drink a cold beer before a game any time you like- and when I order it from your bar, and get charged 7 bucks for it, do me a favor- don’t bullshit me- don’t tell me this is a “bottle”. I like a cold bottle of Bud, or Heineken, or whatever- don’t give me a differently shaped can, and act like it’s a bottle. And don’t look at me weird when I say “Oh, okay, all you have are cans today?”

I want a beer, I don’t want to sit there and lie to myself.

I’m still gonna drink the beer and probably buy a few more for me and my friends, but let’s not play this bullshit game.

Bottles are made of glass and when you knock them over, and they land on the floor, they shatter, not dent.

Friday, October 05, 2007

What Sucks…Quick Hits: Grey’s Anatomy, New Season- New Things to Hate!


Disclaimer: As always, I only watch this thing because my wife likes it and we’re in a partnership. That’s what marriage is about people, having to do shit that you don’t want to do. All the time. Until you die. Then, you don’t have to do anything, but, of course, you’re dead so you know, small victory. Anyway, back to shitting on Grey’s Anatomy…



…The New Interns

Clearly the producers of Grey’s Anatomy knew at the end of last season that they had to bring in a batch new characters, as they had recently used up all combinations of current characters having sex with each other. I mean, thank god the season was 22 episodes instead of 23, or someone would have had to fuck Bailey. There’s only a finite amount of times 5 (women characters) can go into 4 (male characters). As it was, George was having sex with 2 women at the same time, both out of his league. Add to this they were losing Burke because in real life he couldn’t take that George was gay, and Addison, because on the show she had had sex with everyone except the Chief and Burke (she was racist) and George, and Seattle Grace needed serious new blood.

So that’s why they had to bring in new interns, but why did they have to make them such dicks? Kudos to the producers who have managed to give us just enough of a glimpse into Seattle Grace’s new interns where we’re not scratching our eyes out, while at the same time giving us enough information to hate each one of them. There isn’t a decent human being in the bunch, including Lexi, who clearly went all the way to medical school to try and get acceptance from a half sister she only recently found out she had. Nice job Grey’s Anatomy for finally showing us something real- doctors who are dicks.



…The New Interns Part 2

If you want me to believe that interns despite having survived 4 years of Medical school, as well as at least four years of undergrad, will still be a little nervous in a hospital setting, fine, I but could we perhaps cut down on the scenes where they are so nervous they haplessly bump into things and knock them over? Meredith’s sister Lexi, alone knocked over about 15 things so far this year- the Fat Boys in “Dis-orderlies” navigated a hospital with less calamity.



…Bailey Is Sassy, We Get It

If Bailey has to deliver one more line with her eyes wide open, her hand on her hip and her head tilted she’s going to owe Marla Gibbs a royalty. We get it, you’re pissed and you’re sassy. You’re also a surgeon. Please don’t let this year be the year we hear the line “Hand me the scalpel, fool.”





…McSteamy’s Attempt To Repair His Friendship With McDreamy


Hey dude, you fucked his wife (a few times and not that long ago!), not sure he wants to have a drink with you. There are other doctors at the hospital- some of them have wives too- go be friends with them, then fuck their wives!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

What Sucks…Sharper Image: Who Do They Think They’re Kidding? Perv Watch V. 12


Time to call Sharper Image what it is- a great place to buy a coffee maker with a GPS system, and a great place to buy a vibrator. Look at this- (CLICK TO ENLARGE)



One of them is called “The Thumper” for Christ-sakes!

I don’t get it, if someone sells this on 8th Avenue in Manhattan they are a degenerate, but put it in a catalog next to a toothbrush that is also a radio and it’s okay?

Sharper Image can call these things “massagers” all they want, but if you don’t think people are putting these on their privates, you’re na├»ve. What’s next a line of butt plugs called “inner-ass soothers”?

I don’t understand how they sell this stuff without getting re-zoned. Check out this link…NSFW! Yes, keep going in there and you’ll find chair sized vibrators, I guess for pervs who like to lounge around!

For years Sharper Image has been catering to a rich clientele of people who like the latest in gadgets- I never understood who would keep their store in business, now we have our answer- people who want a vibrator with a built in DVD Player, or in other words- millionaire, trust-fund pervs.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What Sucks…Isiah Thomas: “I Will Lose On Any Court!”


Isiah Thomas today showed Knick fans his incredible versatility by losing in ACTUAL court, as opposed to his regular losing on a basketball court.

Speaking outside a New York City courthouse, Thomas told reporters “he wasn’t done yet” before unveiling plans to face US Open Champion Roger Federer “anytime, anywhere.”

“I will go to any court, in any land, and face anybody and lose.” A defiant Thomas said adding, “Can anyone here teach me squash? I understand it’s played on a court. Anyone?”

Thomas was then interrupted by his cell phone where he was overheard attempting to trade Knicks forward David Lee for former Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin, who died earlier this year.

A jury ruled Thomas, James Dolan and Madison Square Garden have to pay Anucha Browne Sanders 11 million dollars. Thomas was unaffected at first, until the judge in the case instructed the jury foreman to put the punishment into terms Thomas could understand- “you know, what someone like you would pay to, I don’t know,
Raef LaFrentz, even now, after repeated surgery.” Hearing that, Thomas broke down.

Click here (you may have to scroll down) to see Stephon Marbury in a pink suit, move his hands to "get closer to god".

Monday, October 01, 2007

What Sucks...Yahoo News and This Headline


Worst Headline Ever?

It's true, there is absolutely no good news coming out of Iraq. Vicious sectarian violence down? Guess who pays the price- undertakers! Oh, a few months ago, when it was Sunni V. Shia like Alien V. Predator? Those were the salad days.

Funeral home directors would pull up to Baghdad’s finest restaurants in their BMW’s and Mercedes- beautiful women in the finest hijabs at their side. The Baghdad Post’s “Page 6” chock full of “Just Asking’s”. Just asking…which millionaire coroner was seen canoodling and then ducking bullets shot by Blackwater contractors…

Well look on the bright side, you know who may benefit from this? Guys who sell socks. Also, people who sell food. Cause when people aren't dying, they need things.
By the way, the headline is not the hardest thing in this story to believe. Violence is going down?

And this is not the 1st time Yahoo blew a story like this with a horrible headline.