Friday, September 28, 2007

What Sucks…The Chicken Dance


In the annals of horrible, Caucasian, group dancing you have the Hokey Pokey, the Electric Slide and…

…I Don’t Want To Be A Chicken
…I Don’t Want To Be A Chicken
…I Don’t Want To Be A Duck (Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack)

The Chicken Dance.

Now obviously, no human who wasn’t at gunpoint would ever do the following series of movements while an accordion played…

- open and close your hands a few times
- flap your elbows at your side to simulate chicken wings
- scrunch your down to the floor for 4 beats
- twirling the person standing next to you around in a circle.

Yet the Chicken Dance exists. The question is why?

The answer is, as a race, sadly, we don’t at this time deserve to live in a world where the Chicken Dance doesn’t exist. You have to earn that. We’re lazy and apathetic. We allow the chicken dance just like we allow all the other mediocre and second-rate traits of our society. Racism. Hunger. War.

Where is the outrage? Tigers don’t do the chicken dance- they are perfect, there is no need. They ferociously stalk their lands, ruling over everything they see- and when they can no longer rule, they are pushed off to the side and go and die a death worthy of their life.

Us? We go to weddings and do the chicken dance.

Here’s a child struggling to do the Chicken Dance. Let us stop this now. There is no need for this- we are a country that saved the world in 1945- if we all refused to do the chicken dance the next time it was played we could wipe it out by the end of the decade. Or will this child continue to struggle to learn something that sucks?



Good luck sleeping this weekend.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

What Sucks…Indian Burns


There’s not much to say here, grabbing my forearm with two hands, and twisting in opposite directions so that my arm is left with a burning sensation and two red marks, sucks big time and for doing it, you’re an ass.

Additionally, if you are the type of person who is watching someone getting an Indian burn, and you’re laughing because you think it’s funny, well, the rest of us just don’t get the joke. My arm is red now- and there is a burning sensation- what’s so funny?

I’m not sure about the origin of the Indian Burn or when the first one occurred, and a sincerely hope it was not the first response of the Native Americans to the white man’s encroachment on their land. If they were, it would have been an obvious mistake and would shed new light on the many battles between the two peoples.

INT. TEEPEE POWHATAN INDIAN COMPOUND. NIGHT

TRIBAL LEADERS MEET TO DISCUSS WHAT IS HAPPENING.

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: …with all due respect, the white man poses a serious threat and I think our tribal leader needs to reevaluate our response to them.

TRIBAL LEADER: …I understand your concerns. But I think a program of sneaking into their camp, grabbing their forearms and twisting our hands in opposite directions should serve to show them we mean business.

NATIVE AMERICAN 1: No. I disagree. It’s just going to piss them off! These people are aggressive! This will not send the message we want…

TRIBAL LEADER: …then we will come back the next night, wet our fingers and put them in their ears!

NATIVE AMERICAN: No! We need to use our tomahawks to cut the skin off of their heads!

TRIBAL LEADER: I have spoken on this matter. It is decided.

(sorry about the image, I couldn't find a photo of an Indian Burn and by the time I gave my wife one, I forgot I didn't have a digital camera)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

What Sucks…Avril Lavigne’s "Imagine"




Yeesh. Reason 8 million Mark David Chapman sucks.

Ironic that this song appears Amnesty International's "Instant Karma: Save Darfur" CD, as listening to Avril Lavigne sing is just below "The Way Egypt Treats Political Dissenters" on Amnesty International’s list of human rights abuses.

Some people can pull off an “Imagine” cover. Ray Charles, Joan Baez has one on iTunes, okay, she has credibility, I’d like to see Neil Young do it- Bruce perhaps, but Avril Lavigne? Why not Mark David Chapman?

No Avril I will not Imagine there’s heaven because clearly, you doing this song makes it apparent there is only hell, and we are living it every day.

Buy the Instant Karma Save Darfur album and save someone’s life while John Lennon’s music is disgraced by Avril Lavigne!

What Sucks…Breaking: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- Coming Off Like a Serious Dick


What an asshole.

2 days after repeatedly being made to look like a dick at Columbia University, and one day after standing at the UN and saying America has an “obedience to Satan”, international experts are ready to agree that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is coming off like a “major dick” in his trip to the US.

Added one world affair analyst, "Yeah, if he was coming here to charm us all, and be all 'charismatic' ah, I don't see it."

In addition, officials are also saying they are relatively confident that even at this moment, Ahmadinejad’s foreign trip planner, public relations representative and joke writer are working around the clock to come up with some “serious shit” to tell the President as to how his poor publicity is “the Jews fault”.

Many feel the seeds of Ahmadinejad’s unfortunate visit were sewn last week when the Iranian President, famous for denying the Holocaust while wearing Member’s Only jackets, stated his intention of coming to Ground Zero. The move was widely seen as an attempt to win the award for having “Pumpkin Sized Balls” and it backfired when everyone in New York shat on it.

Said one New Yorker “Fuck that guy.”

The rest of the trip went as follows…

- Saturday, 9/24: Ahmadinejad gets on a plane in Iran headed to the US to chants of “Death To America”.

- Sunday, 9/25: Ahmadinejad lands and travels to his hotel, fucking up everyone’s traffic.

- Monday, 9/26: Ahmadinejad speaks at Columbia, gets pwn3d by the President of the University, a clear nerd, wonders aloud who is responsible for the attacks on 9-11 and then claims there are no gay guys in Iran.

- Tuesday, 9/27: Ahmadinejad speaks at the UN, tells Assembly that even though he lives in Iran he was only interested in nuclear facilities for the energy benefits and acts shocked everyone looks at him like he’s full of shit. He then tells Assembly not to worry about him getting nukes, because as far as he’s concerned, the issue is “now closed”. Finally, he passive aggressively suggests the US, is “obedient” to Satan.

- Wednesday, 9/28: He brazenly talks through the 3:15 showing of “2 Day in Paris” at the Angelika before flying back to Iran.


What Sucks Bonus...The Protester, Played Over And Over Again On The Local News, Who Claimed Ahmadinejad Was Just 'Hitler With A Bad Haircut"

That implies Hitler had a good haircut!

Monday, September 24, 2007

What Sucks Salutes…Women With Bad Taste In Men!



...Christina Prody- the girlfriend of OJ!




...Eva Braun- she loved Hitler!



...Hedda Nussbaum- married Joel Steinberg!




...Tina Turner! Face it, she didn't exactly pick a winner!




...And the women (there were two) who married Gallagher!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

What Sucks...The View


Click the link above to see the new girl on the View make Whoopi Goldberg look like an MIT grad.

Let’s be honest, the list of current and former View co-hosts reads like a defendant list at a modern day Nuremberg where the crime against humanity is bringing to television, the worst thing ever. And yes, I realize that is quite a comparison, but I feel I can make that statement because I really, really hate The View.

Look at these names and cringe-

Ling.
O’Donnell.
Hasselbeck.
Jones.
Jones-Reynolds.
A crazy-ass, 80 year old Babs Walters.
Goldberg.

Behar for Christ-sake is the most normal one. Where is Joy Behar normal? And now Sheri Shepherd won’t admit the earth is round. Where does Jesus say "Go forth and be dumb." Dude, the earth is round! You can say it!

By the way- am I the only one uncomfortable with The View’s opening graphics? The giant “V” in The View is suggestive enough, but do we now need to make it flaming? I get it, you have vaginas!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What Sucks…Bad Guys In Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: American Soldiers In “Letters From Iwo Jima”


Got this the other day from Netflix and yeah, yeah, yeah it’s a great movie, beautifully filmed and Clint Eastwood is a genius and ah, let’s see how do I say this gently, I think they left one letter out.

Here it is, if you like, read it with some soft piano in the background.

"Dear Free People of the World:

We are sorry we tried to take you over and make you subject to our leader, who we thought was a deity. Also, we're sorry we dragged this fight out and didn't surrender, even though we knew we were going to lose therefore costing even more lives than should have been necessary. However, we do appreciate you guys rebuilding our country after all this.

Signed,

Japanese soldiers on Iwo Jima"


And another thing, (SPOILER ALERT) perhaps if Japanese soldiers in the film went a little easier on the suicide, usually depicted in the film as coming directly after the drop of a hat, ("They're having mashed potatoes again in the mess hall? Bonsai!") and a little more on the “let's come up with a plan B besides Hara-Kiri” (great Cub announcer!) they would have had more people to deliver supplies and defend the island.

What's Clint Eastwood's next flick- remaking Star Wars from the Empire's Point of View?

Int. Deathstar. Day.

A Stormtrooper is writing on a pad. We hear his VO.

STORMTROOPER VO: I miss you Marie, I miss you and the children. Grand Moff Tarken says the Rebellion will soon crack though and maybe after that, I’ll be home. I don't see it, but there's a reason he's Grand Moff and I'm now. Right now we’re in the DS- which between you and me- is fully functional- and we’re lining up. I have to go now, the damn trash compactor is acting up again. I think of you always.

Cut to loading bay. There is laser fire. Two Stormtroopers hit the ground. Soft music plays.

EMPIRE COMMANDER: It's a shame. They had families.

What Sucks...The Reaper


With Brett Somers dead yesterday and the great Charles Nelson Reilly taken a few months ago, it is clear that the Reaper is making his way through the Match Game.

Bill Daly (pictured middle) really should watch his back- the Reaper really, really ______ (blanks).

Answer below...


(Sucks).

Friday, September 14, 2007

What Sucks… September 11th, Best Night Ever

Best Night Ever: 9-11-07


"Best Night Ever" people- on September 11th, take the night off! Stop making people say "It's September 11th, and I'm having the best night ever!" No one is having the best night ever. You don't have to do the podcast- run a repeat of something else- this is not one of those things that if we DON'T do it, the terrorists win. What are you telling me? It's been 6 years and I should get over it? No, I don't think so!

Let's live blog!

What Sucks Bonus…Live-blogging Things That Shouldn’t Be Live-Blogged: Best Night Ever, September 11th!

:01 Ugh. Most insulting of all, a commercial in front of an internet clip. iFilm blows.

:15 Okay, opening graphics…

:20 Here’s Kristy Webb and she’s telling me it’s Tuesday, September 11th and “Guess what?” She had the best night ever. Really? You know who else did? Osama Bin Laden.

:33 Worst. Graphic. Ever.



Best Night Ever, at the top. Then “Biggest Loser”- thanks for rubbing it in. Then “Big Brother” nice, add a touch of paranoia. And then a little further down, something called “Surviving Moments of Impact” and then at the bottom the words “Thursday” (even though it’s Tuesday), “September 11”. Great, a a power point presentation on the worst day of our lives, from the people who gave us the “Sizzler”.

:50 Kristy does an amusing bit where she pretends her hand is a puppet, before throwing to the 1st clip. This is now 9-11 for ventriloquists as well.

:54 Biggest Loser clip shows people mulling around, seeing something they don’t recognize and then screaming. Ahem, remind you of anything?

1:22 Kristy is back.

1:38 Big Brother Clip rolls- someone’s dad has visited them on the show, and embarrassed the person a little.

1:50 Kristy’s back saying “if you look back on all those little league games maybe it was a GOOD thing your dad wasn’t around.” Nice touch, you know about the missing dad thing if this was not airing on September 11th! Kristy’s now makes a face as if to say “That’s right, kid of a firefighter, I went there.”

2:05 We’re on the “What Perez Says” clip. He’s out of his element, he shouldn’t be talking to Amy Wino, he should be drawing jizz on her face.

2:31 Wow- we’re on a clip that is showing “trainwrecks” and collisions. Well, this is it. The perfect segue. Wow. There gonna show the planes going into the tower, aren’t they? Forget the clever subtlety of the past- they're gonna show it!

2:55 Wow. Dodged a bullet.

3:02 We’re at the 106 and Park part of the show. Kanye and Fitty are talking about Kenny Chesney and admitting they’re not fans of country music.

3:25 We’re back to Kristy and she does a take on Kanye West and his appearance on the Katrina telethon. “Kanye West doesn't care about country music people.” Wow. Nice way to evoke in the other great American tragedy of our time. I am impressed. Kristy Webb is making children all over America cry.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

What Sucks...Sting


F Sting.

Okay so, I read another old Rolling Stone article- this one from the summer- the issue with the (reunited) Police on the cover. What can I say, I don’t read Rolling Stone when it first comes out. Like a fine wine, I usually wait till it ages a little, then drag it into the bathroom with me. I know what you’re thinking…

…too much information ABOUT SHITTING!

NOTE: I’m starting a movement to make it once again okay to use the phrase “too much information!” as long as you reference exactly what you’re giving too much information for after saying it, preferably by yelling. It makes the “too much information” thing much more interesting. For example…

PERSON SPEAKING LOUDLY ON THE PHONE AT YOUR JOB: So the doctor said ‘I’m concerned with the rash you have on your genitals.’ I know, too much information- ABOUT ME FUCKING HAITIAN PROSTITUTES!

or

WOMAN WHISPERING TO COWORKER AT YOUR OFFICE’S WATER-COOLER: It was huge, I could barely fit it in my mouth. I know, too much information- ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES WITH BLOW JOBS…AND HORSES!

Now instead of cringing and staring a hole into your cubicle, you’re looking up from your desk with peaked interest. Especially after the 2nd one, which was kind of a double whammy. (Not only does she openly talk about her oral sex habits, some of them involve horses?!) I really think this whole thing could resurrect the “too much information” movement but back to Sting sucking…

So anyway, pretend for a second you didn’t have to get your parents to refinance their house so you could afford to buy tickets for the Police reunion tour this summer. Also pretend you didn’t have to drop 100 bucks to join a fan club in order to get on a list to buy Police tickets, and pretend the shows weren’t generally greeted with a universal “eh”. Forget all about that for now.

The article says Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland, the other members of the Police, have been ready to reunite and go on tour for decades now and that Sting has been putting it off. Of course, that makes sense, they’re Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland, I’m sure they were willing to reunite the Monday after they decided to break up, but what pisses me off is the implied notion that Sting finally came around to the idea.

I’m a Police fan and that band was great. They broke up at their height but if that one-named jack-ass is under the impression he’s a multi-millionaire because people want to hear him play the lute- he’s insane. Does he think his concerts at anytime during his solo career, early and otherwise, were not populated by frustrated Police fans longing for him to put down his autoharp, pick up his bass and play “Driven To Tears”?

Basically, we could have had a Police reunion years ago. Andy and Stewart were calling about it, the only person who didn’t want it was Sting. I guess he had better things to do...





I suppose we’re lucky Sting pushed back plans to launch his Barbecue sauce so that they can kick the tour off.

What the hell happened to this guy?

You want to feel irrelevant and old? Go tell a college aged kid that when you were younger you went to see Sting live. And then sit back and realize you just became your father. Sting was recently on the Charles Osgood's Sunday Morning for Christsakes! He had a song on the Kate and Leopold soundtrack!

Adult contemporary already has a guy with one name in it- Yanni. I hope he kicks Sting's ass.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What Sucks… Walking Through A Puddle With Your Shoe Laces Untied


The worst! You don’t know what’s in that puddle! What do you think it is, magic tea? Wake up- this is New York City- you’re standing in the bacterial equivalent of the bar from Star Wars. Throw those shoes out. If the worst thing in there is pee from a syphilitic dog, you’re lucky.

No one should have to tie their shoes while wearing surgical gloves, but with more and more puddles featuring discarded band-aids, you can never be too safe. It rained here yesterday and I tied my shoes tight enough so that by the time I got into work, my feet were bound. I wish I didn’t have to, but I did- 10 minutes of steady rain here and you’re standing “3 days after Katrina, New Orleans” water.

Did my shoelace get untied anyway? Yes it did and you’ll be happy to know after half a block and two puddles I couldn’t avoid, it tested positive for TB.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

What Sucks…That Bin Laden Is Still Out There


I’ve written about this before but it has now been about 2,190 days since the World Trade Center attacks and Osama is still out there, his only challenge- how to get the grey out of his beard so he can look years younger.

That sucks.

So, is this what it’s boiled down to? Him being out there and all of us just collectively sitting around, waiting for a new tape where he breaks out his latest look? What a disgrace. What’s next year’s big revelation- a nose ring? Are we that laissez faire about the person responsible for the worst attack in the history of our country that he can start shopping at Hot Topic and we’re like “whatever”?

I can’t believe no one gives a shit about this. When I saw that he came out with another tape- just the mere reminder that he was alive- I felt embarrassed. I felt embarrassed that I lived in a place where the elected officials could be okay with the idea he’s out there. Not just the President, who I am on record as thinking of as a world champion douchebag, but everyone. It doesn’t bother you that some dude you voted for is not like, everyday reminding someone that Bin Laden is still out there?

And the media. They don’t think it’s worth a question every now and then? When Tony Snow is shoveling out the daily bullshit he feeds them, to say, hey- oh yeah, just checking back in- you guys still for capturing Osama Bin Laden, cause you know, he’s lived to see the iPhone. Just Saying.

The easy, hacky joke here is to say that the media reports more on Paris Hilton or Britney Spears than it does on Osama Bin Laden- but holy shit, they actually report more on Corey Haim and Scott Baio. Britney and Paris are way ahead, forget about it, he’ll have to pull another 9-11 to catch up- but do we really want to live in a society where New York from Flava of Love gets more TV time? Osama probably just colored his beard so he could grab some headlines away from the kid from High School Musical.

Now, everyone I know- my friends, family, acquaintances, etc. give a shit that he’s out there- why isn’t it translating to the government- or the media?

Why is it not asked in all of these millions of Presidential debates that we have 2 YEARS before the election? Why do, and this happens, people in the media when Bin Laden makes a noise consider it something that would play to the Republican’s hands? I’m not crazy, I hear that all the time. How is the fact that he’s putting out tapes and calling for martyrs not embarrass and shame any republican- and how does that not get brought up when some asshat says, "well this plays to the republican's strength"?

The answer is, people we all know do give a shit that he’s out there- but because it’s easy for politicians and the media to dance around the question, or throw blame on someone else- the people who make the decisions, who we pay, can ignore the fact he’s still alive. And I’ll write about this next year.

They suck too- but we're not off the hook either. Shoot an email at someone tomorrow- or tonight- make it a Representative or a Senator- cut and paste this if you want...

Hey Senator/ Representative ________________.

Are you ass-gnomes gonna try and find Bin Laden this year? Cause it’s been 6 years now. Just so you know, he’s lived through all 3 Shreks. Who would have thought. The guy should be dead by now, but thanks to you douchenuts he’s now a fan of Seth Rogan.

Go fuck yourselves.

Yours in Christ,

________ (Your name.)


Sorry for the seriousness- tomorrow: What Sucks…Accidentally Shitting On Your Leg

One more note- today is the blog’s birthday- we’re 1. Thanks to everyone who stops by and reads, and everyone’s who’s linked What-Sucks up on their blog- I appreciate it. It’s a nice little community of readers I hope to build on. If I knew anything about computers, I’d make it nicer to look it- maybe before too long.

Monday, September 10, 2007

What Sucks...Aliens V. Predator: Requiem


Can Aliens and Predators please just work it out?

Where is the Alien Gandhi? And the Predator Nelson Mandela? And what will it take to get them to sit down and settle their differences?

Yes Predators, Aliens can be major dicks. They just look for a host body to use as a vessel to harvest their young in. But Predators, you guys are also major dicks too. We expect more from you- apparently you built the pyramids. And yes, I can see you killing Aliens and all- but you guys take out a lot of humans too- and for basically no reason. And, not to generalize, but you’re all very surly.

And Aliens, no one will ever respect you as a race until you stop the indiscriminate killing of everything you touch. Newsflash- no one wants you on their planet because you kill everyone and ruin everything. And your blood is equally toxic as that of a Predator. You’re a bunch of serious douches.

And yes if you like, for Predators substitute “Jews” and for Aliens, “Palestinians”. Go right ahead, Mr. Smarty pants.*##

*denotes Jews did not build the pyramids.
## denotes Palestinians do not look for a “host-body” in which to harvest their young.

What Sucks…Taking The Bus Part 2: The Long Haul


Part 2: THE GREYHOUND:

Q: How do you make any bus trip worse?

A: Put a bathroom on it.

If you’ve never taken a long trip on a bus, to get the idea of what it’s all about, all you need do is watch the “bus scenes” in the final episode of MASH. Yes, that particular bus is in Korea, but other than that, it’s pretty dead on. You have people there who don’t speak English, they are confused, injured, often holding chickens, and sometimes, yes, killing babies.

It’s a wonder, coming off a long bus trips, more of us are not institutionalized like Hawkeye was “Goodbye, Farewell, Amen”. By the way, the one impression I do, is Alan Alda, in the final MASH, crying and yelling at Sydney the psychiatrist. It’s uncanny and you must see it live. Anyway…

There is much to hate about the bus. There are the few stops the bus makes to gas up- usually in very, very small towns. I personally rode a bus from Austin to Wichita once and where the bus gassed up was a town so small, that when I went to purchase a soda, and handed the guy behind the counter a “5”, he took it from me and held it up to the light. I guess they were getting a lot of fake ½ sawbucks at the time.

One time I opened my laptop and my Airport system told me none of my trusted networks were available and should it attempt to enter the “2 kids across the street playing telephone with tin cans connected by rope.” It actually said that, I know. Amazing.

I don’t want to say the people who ride the bus are shady, but recent statistics say riding a bus you are 23 percent more likely to sit next to a felon than if you visit someone in jail. Apparently in jail, sometimes the guy didn’t do it.

Bus stations just add to the flavor. Something about a bus station at night- no matter where you are in the country- makes you ask – “is this where Stephen King comes when he has writer’s block?”

The bus- sucks.

What Sucks...Live Blogging Things That Should Not Be Live Blogged: The Hoboken Comedy Experiment



Here's the blow by blow- by blogging legend Susie Felber...

Friday, September 07, 2007

What Sucks...Google News: Bin Laden Just Being A Dick Now


(click image to enlarge)
Why am I still watching Bin Laden tapes? It's 6 years after 9-11! The only thing that has changed is that the guy who perpetrated the worst terrorist attack on US soil, has been able to live into the digital generation!

Here's the article. Why can't we get this guy, again? I mean, at this point, can't we just stake out a Best Buy in Pakistan, and when his PA shows up to buy tape stock just follow him back home? Our government is analyzing the tape and is saying Bin Laden doesn’t have the grey streak in his beard now and is no longer wearing his camouflage jacket. Well, guess what- after 6 years you can dye your hair and buy a new coat.

F Bush.

What Sucks...Taking The Bus


Ah, the bus. A definite 1st ballot candidate for the Suck Hall of Fame (to be located in Detroit). Everything involved with taking the bus, blows.

PART 1: THE LOCAL

This Suck Story™ starts at the bus stop. A few Suck Statistics™ regarding the bus stop…

It’s outside.
You’re waiting.
You’re surrounded by other people who have to take the bus.
It’s cold, it’s hot, it’s raining- there’s weather going on. Worst yet, when your wait is over, you’re on a bus- your Suck Journey™ is only starting.

Looking for a seat on the bus is a study in eye contact avoidance. Each passenger does everything they can to give you every indication you don’t exist. Each open seat is taken by their utter contempt for sitting next to someone. This of course can get under your skin until you actually make eye contact with the one freak who wouldn’t mind you sitting next to them- avoid that psycho.

Who loses? The prettiest person on the bus. That’s who you end up next to, and if you’re on the Hoboken 126 and lucky, sometimes it's even a girl.

Wedging yourself into a seat with the person you sense smells nicest of all the people who have done things in their life that have lead to them taking the bus, you can finally exhale. And you do. And yes, it's a bus so it smells like pee.

Who’s peeing on the bus? And why in this day and age are people getting away with it? How does this even go down?

Are people waiting till the bus empties out at the second to last stop or something, and then peeing? Because in that case, why not just get off the bus and go pee? You’re basically at the last stop. Or use the bathroom at the bus station you just pulled into- can it be that much worse than peeing on some dirty bus?

Or are people peeing mid-ride, in front of other people? And if so, why aren’t other people rising up against that? They have cell phones, they can call the cops- the bus driver can pull over, call a cop and keep the bus door locked until a cop gets there.

There’s no reason why we should still be smelling pee on our buses.

COMING NEXT...The Greyhound!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

What Sucks...Doritos Collisions



Let’s get one thing straight, for most of our lives there were a few things we could all count on. Of course, most of those things have either let us down, or gone away but the one thing we could always still believe in was that there would be no way Doritos would ever have the balls to put TWO different flavors in one bag.

It just doesn’t make sense. Plus, they just wouldn’t have the stones. I mean, to take two similar tasting Doritos flavors, and put them in the same bag. No. No way. NO FUCKING WAY. IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! AND THEY JUST DON’T HAVE THE GRAPES!

And if they DID, they’d never be able to come up with a campaign successful enough to name it.

Well, take a look at the image above- click it if you have to see it enlarged- and realize the following…

Up is down…
Wrong is right…
Night is day…
And Doritos now have two flavors in one bag.

Say hello to Doritos “Collisions”. There are fucking Doritos in there, colliding!

ZESTY TACO DORITO: Whoa, hey- look out- get out of the way!

CHIPOTLE RANCH DORITO: YOU get out of the way- there’s too little room in this bag- we’re gonna collide!

I don’t know what to say. I mean it’s fucked up. Is everything okay over at the Doritos corporation? Does anyone know anyone over there? Could someone call?

This seems like a panic move, are they going bankrupt?

Did the regular president of Doritos die and leave the company to a crazy person? Did he lose the company in a poker game to his archenemy who is determined to cause the company to lose everything it’s built?

Could someone call over there or something? They have flavors colliding in their bag!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

What Sucks...Quick Hits: Couple of Things I Missed Over The Weekend That Sucked


...Michigan

What, are we going to start giving them credit for playing a good Division 1-AA school in their home opener? Put a fork in these guys already and eat the thousands of “Grade AA Upset”/ “APP-Elation” headlines that will haunt your dreams!

By the way, the most effective pro you guys have in the NFL not named Tom Brady is Armani Toomer! Suck on that Wolverine fans!



...Sharks Off The Coast Of Queens!

If you need another reason not to go swimming off the coast of Queens, here it is.

This is great, sharks feeling so empowered they show up at Rockaway- I guess I should just resign myself to the fact that I'll soon see one the subway.

What Sucks...CNN.Com Technology


Really?

Guys are into hot chicks? You're shitting me, CNN.Com.

I can't freaking believe it. I'm stunned.

Slow technology news day? How bout maybe covering, I don't know, the war in Iraq?

I know you're the technology guys but come on, it's a war- they use all sorts of gadgets. How bout talking about the technology we're not using to find Osama Bin Laden?

Too serious? Then show me a way to avoid getting a speeding ticket.

You really gonna go with the "Guys Are Into Hot Chicks" story? Okay, then what we really need are the "Story Highlights" because I don't understand anything past the headline.