Friday, June 29, 2007

What Sucks…Studio 60 RIP


With hardly anyone paying attention, “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip” aired it’s final episode and just like that, television lost one of the most remarkably sucky shows to hit the airwaves in a long time.

Now, it’s impossible to go back and document all the ways this show has blown…at 7PM on a Friday night. If this were a Monday, and I was killing time at work, believe me, I’d gladly throw 1200 words up here so we can all have some fun shitting on this classic turd-burger of a show. But, it’s summer and there are drinks to be drunk.

If I had to narrow it down to a few things that stand out as “really sucking”, I’d have to point to…every single thing.

Obviously, you had the ridiculous heavy-handedness of the writing, you know, I’m not a big fan of the Christian conservative political movement, but Jesus Sorkin- did they key your car?

Also, you had the show’s insistence that people have incredibly important and insightful conversations while walking around the corridors of where they work. I’ve written and worked at few TV shows and the deepest conversations get in the hallways are, “Where’s the shitter?”

And perhaps the most insulting aspect of the show, the fact someone thought America would give a shit about a couple like Matt Albie and the girl who does the Nancy Grace impression. I think people were more emotionally invested in whether Eva Braun and Hitler would make it.

So, yes- Studio 60 sucked- damn near every second of it blew. As a matter of fact, take a look at this MONTAGE I threw together highlighting some of the more breathtakingly horrible moments.

Actually, don't. There is no montage. Who are we kidding, if I could put something together like that, my life would be very different and I wouldn’t be blogging on a Friday night like this waiting to get out of work.

BUT, here’s what it would look like, if I had…

“Simply The Best” by Tina Turner plays as…

…Matt Albie confesses that for the first 2 years he worked on the show, he didn’t get a sketch on the air. Which happens all the time, you always get 2 years to get something on a show without getting fired.

We then cut to…

…a scene from an entire episode that revolves around Matt Albie, the “brilliant” head writer being unable to come up with an edgy opening sketch, to him finally “nailing it” by doing a parody of Gilbert the Pirates of Penzance- WTF?

We then cut to…

…the episode where Darius is hired after doing a horrible set at an open mic at the Improv- on a Friday night. As if the Improv would ever have an open mic on a Friday night! As if The Improv has an open mic, period!

We then cut to…

…the episode where Tom Jeter’s parents come to the show and act like they are mesmerized by the big city, as if they have never seen one before, before revealing they are not from Idaho or the hills of Kentucky, but rather from Columbus, Ohio.

We then cut to…

…that same episode where we see they have found a parking spot just outside the Studio 60 door. This is after they have given Tom shit all night that he’s not in Afghanistan like his brother is, only to further reveal that Tom spearheads a movement that donates equipment to them. THEN have them reveal that they are driving home to Columbus, that night! (Believe me, that episode really, really, blew.)

We then cut to….

…various scenes from the brilliant, edgy “comedy show” that is put on every week including:

- the sketch that has the Asian cast member doing a horrible, racist Asian accent.
- Harriet Hayes playing Nancy Grace repeatedly
- the dude who did Nick Cage (the best guy in the cast, by the way)
- the hoopla over a sketch called “Crazy Christians” which we never see.
- the fight between the Darius guy and DL’s character after DL asked him to write a sketch about a militant Fruit of the Loom character, and then have Darius refuse – as if you’d ever refuse to write a sketch for the guy who hired you and is responsible for your 6 figure salary.

We then cut to…

...Matt Ablie taking drugs, getting addicted to them and then kicking the addiction in about 45 minutes…

We then cut to…

…Matt Albie staring at the giant clock in his office, counting down the amount of time till the next show. A giant clock? Really?

There’s more but I can finally leave.

What Sucks...Why?



Why? Give me one good reason.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

What Sucks…Link Dump: Other Sites In The War On Suckage


There are many people on the net railing against things that suck, they just seem to be a little more specific with their targets. Check ‘em out!

Here’s a guy who has narrowed down his suck war to only the city of Orlando. Take a look, at orlandofloridasucks.com, suffice to say, this dude thinks Orlando, birthplace of the boy band, sucks. He may have a point.

Here are some people who are very anti-milk. Check them out at milksucks.com. Warning, if you drink milk, or have a baby that drinks milk, proceed with caution. They talk some serious shit about milk. Lastly, let me say, go up to these people and say “got milk?” and walk away with a boot in your ass.

These guys get very specific. Their message? The sport of fencing sucks. Seriously, there is a lot of material here on how fencing sucks, like more than I thought there would be. Check it out- it’s an interesting read, and if you’re into fencing, I’m sure, hilarious.

Here’s an interesting choice- a group dedicated to pointing out what they think sucks, only to ironically, suck themselves…check out their site, evolutionsucks.org where they make basically no sense. One argument they pose against evolution actually contains an “LOL” in it.

And here's a new site I'm writing for...it's about sports, an has some pretty good writers working on it- check it out. TheNoseBleeds.com .

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

What Sucks Presents...Where Are They Now?



Sitting Bull…

Kicked Custer’s ass at Little Big Horn.

Dead. Buried in a military cemetery in North Dakota.


Woodrow Wilson…

The President during WWI, he was born just before the Civil War, and remembered, as a child, once standing next to General Robert E. Lee!

Dead.



John Matuszak…

Won a Super Bowl ring with the Oakland Raiders in 1981 and co-starred as “Sloth” in the 1985 comedy “”The Goonies”!

Dead.


Speedy Gonzales

An offensive, cartoon mouse based on a collection of distasteful Mexican stereotypes who ran fast.

Never existed!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

What Sucks…Bikram Yoga



I’ll be the first to say there are many benefits to yoga and the yoga lifestyle. It has given countless people across the world the ability to lower their stress levels and lead healthier lives. Plus, in tandem with “Big Granola”, hippy dudes everywhere now have something to talk about other than making their own jewelry and smoking weed. In addition, it has raised the living standard of skinny Indian dudes and with long hair, and given work to people who make yoga mats.

That being said, Bikram Yoga is a hellish torture test, designed by people for whom I can only guess, want to feel as much public pain and discomfort as possible, but can’t get tickets to “Big & Rich”.

For those who don’t know, Bikram Yoga is a 26-pose yoga program, in a room heated to 105 degrees, with 50 percent humidity. It’s twisting your body in hell. Plus, it has a yoga teacher in there with you, which makes it a little worse than hell. I doubt Satan has enough time to give you his unsolicited opinion on why eating meat and driving your car is bad while he’s burning your balls off. He has things to do, you know- making sure Jerry Falwell is adjusting well to his new gig blowing demons, coordinating with Dick Cheney, trading stories with Charles Kuralt, etc.

Perhaps Birkram just isn’t for me. But come on, who’s it for? People who say “Hey, yoga’s cool but I wish we could do it in a sauna, in the earth’s core…at high noon!"?

Monday, June 25, 2007

What Sucks…“The Age Of Love”



Putting a new spin on an old skank-fest, NBC pits a group of 40 year-old women against a group of 20 year-old women to win the heart of a former tennis player who for some reason, needs to go on TV to get a date. (Putting my hand over my mouth, making a coughing sound which sounds remarkably like I’m saying “herpes”.)

My money is on the 20 year-olds. I think they’re gonna pull this one out. Something just tells me. Normally, I’m not good at prognosticating things, you know, but this time, I just have a feeling the 20 year-old women, will be able to beat out the 40 year-old women.

Wait, do the 20 year-old women have incurable, flaming gonorrhea? Late stage syphilis? No? Okay, yeah. Bet the house- 20 year-olds in a landslide.

Is Vegas even taking action on this? The odds have to be one of those “bet 100 dollars, win 10” type things- like before Tyson lost his mind and became a an ear biting, rapist and went up against Michael Spinks.

Anyone see this show yet? NBC has it on Monday nights in the summer because, I guess, it wants 40 year old women to feel bad about themselves. The trailer is linked above, warning- it’s long and dumb.

Hey tennis guy who according to the trailer will soon be making out with someone’s mom, love-40? Not likely! (You people feel free to use that one around your offices!)

The Age of Love is on NBC- Monday Nights at 9!

Friday, June 22, 2007

What Sucks...Elephantiasis


Oh man.

I think when it becomes time to open the Suck Hall of Fame, which by the way would be located in either Detroit, Patterson, NJ or Orlando, Florida (all are making competitive bids), maybe the 1st inductee is “Elephantiasis”.

A lot of people will tell you elephantiasis’ suck story begins in parasitic worms, but that’s not exactly true, where it really starts is in bacteria INSIDE of parasitic worms. Another of the many wonderful diseases transmitted by mosquitoes, the worms are injected into the victim’s bloodstream where they replicate and can live for many years. That’s right a person can have elephantiasis for some time and not know about it, until of course, they wake up one day and their balls are very scaly and weigh 47 pounds. (22 kilograms).

Think it can’t happen to you? So did the 120 million people across the world who it effects, 40 million of whom have serious cases.



Not disgusted enough by the pictures here and want to see it’s ravaging effect on nuts? Click here, perv.

By the way, great disease for which there is no vaccine. Way to go, God.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

What Sucks…Hillary Clinton


I don’t have a lot of time today, chiefly because I’m behind at work as I decided yesterday to write 750 words on “We Built This City” by Starship. But I would be remiss in writing a blog about what sucks, and not mention this whole Hillary Clinton/ Sopranos parody thing.

Suffice to say, she sucks, it sucks and the fact that it all leads up to the reveal that her campaign has chosen a Celine Dion tune as its theme, just ups the level of suckdom to “11”. Seriously, Celine Dion? Come on. You’re shitting me. It reminds me of the time my intramural basketball team would blast “You’re Still The One” before we came out to play ‘cept we were being ironic. Kinda. Most of us were. Anyway, Celine Dion does nothing for me. Unless she’s trying to get the vote of women with giant heads who marry dudes who are 200 years old- who also are pervs because they knew Celine when she was like 11, I don’t get it.

And I’m not even mentioning she parodying a scene that could contain (SPOILER WARNING) the violent murder of a criminal. Well, I guess I am mentioning that.

Any way, to recap- Hillary Clinton sucks, her Sopranos thing sucks and Celine Dion sucks.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What Sucks…“We Built This City On Rock and Roll”



In 1985, remnants of the San Francisco based rock giant, once known as Jefferson Airplane, then Jefferson Starship, then subsequently “Starship”- a group that played Woodstock and is known for their ground braking hits “Somebody To Love”, “White Rabbit” and, if you like to listen to music with your lover like I do, “Miracles”, came out with what could arguably be called the worst song of all time, “We Built This City”.

And yes, some may remember a few years ago this song was recognized for its crappiness by VH1, garnering the # 1 ranking in their “Most Awesomely Bad” countdown*. But you know what? That’s not enough.

We don’t call Stalin “Kookily Insane”. Spinal Meningitis isn’t a “crazy crappy” disease to get. Rape isn’t “Wickedly Traumatizing”.

I don’t want to live in a world where someone googles “We Built This City” and the only condemnation they can find is “Most Awesomely Bad”. “Awesomely Bad”? What the fuck is that? These guys release an all-time turd like this- put out a video that inexplicably has Abraham Lincoln getting out of his chair at the Lincoln Memorial and dancing, a song that contains the lyric “knee deep in the hoopla” and all they get for it is a title of “Awesomely Bad”? Fuck that. VH1 is a bunch of pussies- call it what it is. “Awesomely Bad” does not equal “Sucks”. This song sucks.

As was the case in the 80’s, this shitty tune went all the way to the top of the charts, finding itself at #1 for a short time. Just to give you an idea of the climate back in 1985, the song it replaced at #1, was something called “The Miami Vice Theme”, by Jan Hammer- incidentally, Starship’s reign ended when “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin replaced it. By the way, paying attention closely at the time was Glenn Frey, who that weekend dug through his storage room searching for early scratch tracks long ago abandoned, containing “Smuggler’s Blues”, because, yeah, the time was right.

As for “WBTC”, it had all the markings of a hit- and by that I mean, a place in the song for local radio stations to insert their call letters and a traffic report. Actually, I’m being facetious. Up until this time, songs did not contain a place for traffic reports. I know, hard to believe. Of course I’m not counting early Pink Floyd’s “Piper At The Gates Of Dawn”, where in if you play side one backward, you hear a futures report urging you to invest in plastics.

So, could “We Built This City” be the worst song ever? You can make a compelling case. You can also make a case that front runners such as “Rock Me Amadeus” and “The Safety Dance” were ironic, there is no such hope for We Built This City. Oh, they were completely earnest. I’d bet my life on it.

As for Starship, they parlayed their number one tune into a gig writing the theme for “Mannequin”, entitled “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, shortened incidentally from its original title “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now…Obviously”.

*Denotes: “VH1’s “Awesomely Bad Countdown” ranked #2 in E’s “Terrifically Mediocre Countdowns”. Source: me.

What Sucks…”We Built This City On Rock and Roll”: CODA



I have to add a coda to this post. If you watch the video, again, and make it past the Lincoln thing, you'll see the scene switches to Vegas, but not the strip- it switches to Fremont Street, home of the “Fremont Street Experience” which if you've ever been to, is basically like the “Port Authority Bus Terminal of NY” experience, but without the life-affirming uplifting feeling of hope.

I honestly can't wrap my head around why they chose to feature the casinos of Fremont Street like "4 Queens" and the “Golden Nugget”. Are they decrying the old school casinos being pushed out by a “new Vegas”? This took place in 1985, was new, corporate Vegas what it was today?

Plus the line "someone always playing corporation games, who cares they're always changing corporation names” is impossible to take seriously. The follow up line is “we just want to dance here”- if you dance on Fremont Street in Vegas some homeless, down on his luck guy who’s just stumbling out of one of the many pawn shops in the area will fucking stab you.

And I still have no idea why the people gather at Lincoln’s feet. Why is the singer guy all in Lincoln’s face? Abe hasn’t done enough for the country? What the fuck does he have to do with Rock and Roll? And who the fuck did they get to play him, Joe Flaherty?

What Sucks…Continental


For those of you who can’t read the little news story cut out, I’ll sum it up for you. (Here’s the LINK.) A Continental plane left Amsterdam, when its toilets began to overflow, which coming from Amsterdam, is a major buzz kill. The plane makes an emergency stop in Ireland to fix the problem and it turns out that the passengers end up staying overnight. The next morning the same plane takes off again to complete its trip to Newark, only to have the same thing happen.

This time the plane didn’t stop and people on flight #002 (get it, #2!) had to sit next to poop for 7 hours and THEN land in Newark!

How much worse could a crash be?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What Sucks Survey: The Results Are In...The Worst Adjectives Used To Describe Blow Jobs!


The readers have spoken, and apparently, have been blown weirdly. Here are your results plus or minus 2 percentage points, margin of error.

#5) “Haphazard” (4%)


#4) “Lackluster” (11%)


#3) “Capra-esque” (19%)


#2) “Parental” (27%)


#1) “Toothy” (36%)

Receiving less than 2% “slapdash”, “Japanese”, “procedural”.

Capra-esque seemed to score higher than I expected, but other than that, pretty much makes sense.

Monday, June 18, 2007

What Sucks Presents…Conversations Cuba Gooding, Jr. Wished He Had


We take you back to the night of March 24, 1997. Outside the Shrine Auditorium on Oscar night. Cuba is standing on the edge of the red carpet. He is holding an Oscar he just won for Jerry Maguire, and currently is being seen in “As Good As It Gets”.

STRANGER FROM THE FUTURE: Hey, congrats on the Oscar for Jerry Maguire, the good reviews you’ve been getting on “As Good As It Gets” and of course for the classic “Boyz N the Hood”.

CUBA: Thanks man.

SFTF: No problem. Just never make a movie again.

CUBA: What?

SFTF: All the money you just made? Save it. Seriously. Retire. Go into real estate or something.

CUBA: But I have this great script coming- I play a straight guy who’s on a gay cruise so he can meet a woman. It’s with this young kid from SNL- he’s a Belushi/ Farley type, you know likeable, heavy-set…

SFTF:
Boat Trip? It doesn’t work out. Quit the business.

CUBA: Come on man- I have this other movie- with Academy Award winning actor James Colburn about…

SFTF:
Snow Dogs? Worse than Boat Trip. Don’t do it. You had a nice run. It’s over.

CUBA: I’m doing this football movie where I play a mentally challenge young man with Ed Harris…

SFTF: Radio? It’s like Rudy with fetal alcohol syndrome. Go to grad school or something. Don Cheadle is about to kick your ass professionally on everything for the next 12 years.

CUBA: I have this thing coming called “Men Of Honor”.

SFTF: Yeah, about discrimination in the world of deep sea divers? You NEED me to tell you not to do that?

CUBA: But I get to work with DeNiro.

SFTF: Yeah, so did everyone on the set of “The Adventures of Rocky And Bullwinkle”.

CUBA:
Pearl Harbor?

SFTF: You’d think so, but no. It sucks. Look, I’m from the future, I’ve come a long way and from a very horrible place to tell you this…

CUBA: A horrible place in the future?

SFTF: Yeah, a screening of Norbit. Seriously, at this point I wouldn’t even cast you for your own role in this shitty blog posting. Incidentally, I’d go with Mos Def.

NOTE: AFTER YOU READ THAT LAST LINE, PUT YOUR HEADPHONES ON AND CLICK HERE

Friday, June 15, 2007

What Sucks…Being A Fluffer


In part two of our continuing series on jobs that suck, today, we bring you “the fluffer”. Sorry about the image above, but google image search “Fluffer” at work and you get weird looks.

Over the course of my life I have had a number of crappy jobs. I’ve worked as a dishwasher at a Sizzler, and a camp counselor at a rich kids day camp in Scarsdale, NY. I temped for years, was a page, and a receptionist for 18 months at a place where being a receptionist was the worst job you could imagine, and where if I went public with what they paid me, Amnesty International would get involved. I even wrote for Craig Ferguson for a few months, but all those job experiences (except maybe Ferguson) pale in comparison to that of a “fluffer”*.

I’m being delicate here but…

“Preparing”, and by using that word, yes, I’m romanticizing it, dicks for sex scenes in porn, has to be a job one takes when the “Objective” line on their resumes says “to use the skills I have developed in hating myself to start a career.” I think it says something about a job when the only “worst job” you can think of, is a different version of that job. I.E…

…Being a “fluffer’ in animal porn.
…Being a “fluffer” on the set of “Rest Home: Fat & Mature Volume XVI”. (That’s 16!)
…Being a “fluffer” in live sex-show performance, “just outside of Tijuana”.

Some questions come to mind:
How do you reconcile a job like that? And nowadays with Viagra, is it even necessary? Shouldn’t there be a line drawn in the sand where “being old school” is not in the best interest of everyone? Is there a union? Is there a Local 4183 “Fluffers”? Does the AFLCIO recognize it? If there WAS a fluffer’s union, wouldn’t the 1st motion be to try abolish their own jobs?

INT. FLUFFER’S LOCAL 4183. UNION SHOP REP IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

UNION SHOP REP (his name is, I don’t know, Julius):
Brothers, the news remains grim. The major studios continue to refuse to honor our request to outsource our jobs…

THERE IS A LARGE MURMUR THAT GRUMBLES THROUGH THE ASSEMBLY

UNION SHOP REP (JULIUS):
…sitting across the bargaining table, I have pleaded with them- on how they can get workers in India and Pakistan to “prepare” dicks for a FRACTION of what it costs here!

A MURMUR SWEEPS THROUGH THE HALL AGAIN

JULIUS:
…problem, as we all know, is that it’s difficult to get a client to “maintain” in between takes on a set, so there’s no way its gonna work during a trans-Atlantic flight!

THE CROWD REACTS, AGREES.

JULIUS:
Unlike autoworkers, we are together in our wish for a machine that could replace us. Scientists in Sweden and Japan are working tirelessly on this as we speak- but until they deliver, I pledge that we will not give up this fight to wipe this horrible gig from the face of the earth! I ask again you consider a work stoppage, but I know how much you need the money for your meth, so it’s pointless.

FIN.

How does the fluffer deal? What does he tell him/ herself? “Well, at least this isn’t a “furry’”!

Maybe you have a “glass half-full” type of outlook. “Well, if I work hard and learn my craft, maybe some day I’ll be on CAMERA sucking off some stranger!”

Maybe you’re a fatalist…“Hey, perhaps this film will turn out to be snuff.”

*Disclaimer: “Not that I would know personally. The following is based on what I’ve read. Sartre. The early stuff. I’ll talk about that in another posting. “What-Sucks Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘Fluffer Stage’” look for it.

What Sucks…Seniors Working At Fast Food Joints


Get them outta there!

Look, I’m no snob- I don’t think slinging burgers is a “young man’s game”. And it’s not that when you come upon a senior working at a fast food joint, which is more and more common, they don’t ALWAYS get everything right and treat you like a human being- it’s just that, come on- they’ve paid their dues, do they really have to work there?

You’re looking at someone who says “Welcome to McDonald’s how can I help you?”

And I’m like “You built this country. How can I help YOU?”

“Didn’t you win World War II? Why are you working a soda machine?!”

“Would I like fries with that? You fought for the freedom I use to order fries! If it weren’t for you, I’d be ordering in German!”

What happens when a senior working at McDonald's gets his balls busted by the douchebag manager for not pushing the “Shrek” happy meal enough?

“I think I can handle the “Shrek Happy Meal”, I was on the fucking beach at Normandy.”

“Yeah, let me implement the dollar value menu, just like I implemented the Marshall Plan.”

Did they have to interview for the job? What were the questions? “Can you think of a time when you had to exercise judgment and what were the results?”

“Well, there was time we were coming up a hill in Iwo Jima. The island was only 8 miles long but there were 40 thousand troops on it. Jimmy was a kid from Brooklyn, his pop had just gotten season tickets for the Dodgers back home- he was hit pretty bad with shrapnel and…OH YEAH, THERE WAS THIS SHAKE MACHINE THERE…hey can I take my break now, Springsteen wants to write a song about me.”

Is it about the money? Is this what they’re talking about when they worry about Social Security? If Uncle Sam fails you, do you have to turn to Mayor McCheese?

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What Sucks...Live Blogging Things That Shouldn't Be Live Blogged: The Hoboken Comedy Experiment



Another Hoboken Comedy Experiment in the books (title of the book: How Not To Entertain People From Hoboken! Amazon $14.95, $35.00 Canada). If you missed it, don’t feel bad- the great and hilarious Susie Felber was there to live blog- an unprecedented 2nd time ever that has happened.

For all those who came, thanks.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

What Sucks...Hoboken Comedy Experiment Monday June 18th



Another Hoboken Comedy Experiment this Monday- come on by if you're around. I'm hosting! Nice little interview about the show here- Real Hoboken.com .

This week we have a cool lineup featuring

Adam Cole-Kelly...

Ritch Duncan...
Margot Leitman...
Heather Fink...
Jake Goldman...
Adam Wade...

and a historic 2nd time ever a Hoboken Comedy Show has been live blogged by Susie Felber!

We're at the Goldhawk
10th and Park
8:30
Free!

Monday, June 11, 2007

What Sucks…People Whose Panties Are In A Knot Over The Way The Sopranos Ended


SPOILER ALERT: I TALK ABOUT HOW THE SOPRANOS ENDS

I really put some thought into this today (read: I thought about the Sopranos while eating a burrito for lunch) and I have to say that the negative reaction the Sopranos ultimate episode got in most of NY’s papers as well as across the web today, blows.

I’ve been critical of the show in the past. As much as the next guy I have bemoaned anything involving AJ, Carm’s spec house, Artie Bucco, Artie Bucco’s marriage, Artie Bucco serving rabbit, Artie Bucco beating up the kid who played Vinnie on Doogie Howser.

But the last two episodes of the show prior to the finale were powerhouses, and the final one, I’m gonna say, was a pretty damn good as final episodes go. Sure, it was no final episode of Newhart, but considering what this show is all about, I wouldn’t rush to call it crap.

Traditionally, and when you look at the complaints in the Post and Daily News about the show, it’s always the same thing- not enough action – not enough people getting whacked, etc. Seriously, if the people who constantly make that complaint were directing the Sopranos, we’d never get past season one, because everyone would be dead. There are days in the mafia where no one gets killed. There are days where they just eat pasta. No, no episode in the run of the show would have been better if Carm and Meadow were shot in the head, twice. All right, maybe on of the Johnny Cakes episodes.

The ending sequence on last night’s show, made a serious statement, be it about how Tony can never relax, never knowing where his hit is going to come from- or that women can’t parallel park- both points are equally valid- and should not be dismissed because we didn’t get to see Tony carried out of the restaurant in a stretcher.

In other words, no- your cable didn’t go out- it was the creator of the show, showing you in no uncertain terms, that Tony’s very survival was determined minute by minute and that his life, like the screen could go black at any time.

Why we had to know the FBI guy was fucking another FBI agent WAY, WAY, WAY hotter than him, I don’t know, but that’s David Chase.

What Sucks…The 2012 Olympic Logo



Just a quick note up top for clarity- this post is about how the above symbol sucks as a logo for 2012 Olympics in London, NOT as the symbol for a “Transformers Orgy”.

What are we trying to do here? Give trapezoids wood? Who are we trying to attract to the games, lightening bolts looking for three-ways?

How is this Olympic? How is this London-ish?

The Olympics have a long history of shitty logos, there’s this one from Sydney in 2000-it’s like a squinting chicken, or a man made of boomerangs or something…



…there’s this one from Nagano in 1998 that’s basically a Georgia O’Keefe (underrated perv) rip off...



And of course the logo for 1968 games in Mexico City inexplicably used a shot of Rockford files star James Garner. The choice to use the logo was doubly confusing as The Rockford Files wouldn’t debut for another 7 years. The logo was famously protested by American runners Tommie Smith and John Carlos, in an obscure photo you’ve probably never seen before.

Friday, June 08, 2007

What Sucks…A Great Week For Disease Spreading!


Spreading disease is the new black!

If you can’t infect someone this week, you just can’t infect someone. Seriously, go get some penicillin and hang ‘em up, because you are a loser.

What’s next, Courtney Love and the Ebola monkey go on a “make-out with Haitians” tour?

What Sucks...Breaking News: Paris Hilton Released From Jail, Public Outrage May Lead To Her Return, Also We Went To War In Iraq Under False Pretenses


Not to echo CNN, Fox and MSNBC, but Paris Hilton was released from jail only 3 days into her 23-day term. Also, 4 years ago, we invaded a country because our President and Vice President said it had weapons of mass destruction AND a link to Al-Qaeda, and it turned out, it had neither.

Technically, Hilton was released for what is being termed “medical reasons”, however her symptoms are most likely less severe than those suffered by soldiers in Iraq, many of whom are injured by IED’s. IED’s are “improvised explosive devices” and are often place alongside roads where they will go off and injure American soldiers. Most likely placing these IED’s are sectarian groups made up of, or using weapons from, the former Iraqi army, which was disbanded by L. Paul Bremer, when he headed the Coalition Provisional Authority in the days after the war. This move effectively put on the street, a bunch of armed men, all of whom were, basically, just fired. A huge number of these IED’s were effective because the Humvees soldiers were provided with, lacked the armor needed to withstand the blast.

Currently, the three major news channels are awash with outrage…over Hilton’s release. Authorities have promised a prompt investigation into it, and in response to public outcry, have already scheduled a hearing on the matter, to which Hilton will have to, whether she likes it or not, phone into.

More on this as it develops.

Monday, June 04, 2007

What Sucks…The Paris Hilton Mugshot


Does this asshole know what a mugshot is? Who is she posing for? I’m sure the people skimming through mugshot books, looking for a person who stole their wallet or their daughter who is on the street due to a meth addiction, will appreciate the way she is making love to the camera.

It makes me mad- I have to yell at the mugshot- bear with me….

Hey a-hole! This is not a photo shoot! By posing in your “Paris Hilton” way, you’re only making it easier for someone to identify you the next time you commit a crime. And yes, smoking crack is a crime! UNDERSTATED is the way you want to go on mugshots, you a-hole.

But who am I kidding, its not like the next time you break the law or something anyone is going to have a hard time identifying you. They’ll say- that insane skank ho just ran my friend over with her car! I think she’s drunk!

Or…

Hey, that girl who set the PAC 10 record for sucking dicks, just did a hit and run on my grandmother. She had coke on her face!

But I'm alone, its cool to have a proud, content smile on your mugshot. Gone are the days of shame. Way to go America!

What Sucks…People Who Bring Their Kids Into R-Rated Movies On Saturday Nights


First thing - this is not about what you let your kid watch. I could care less what you show them content wise. They’re your kids, raise them as you want, just don’t raise them in front of me at the 10:10 Saturday night showing of “Knocked Up”.

What, you can’t find someone to watch your kid, so now we’re ALL gonna watch them? And yeah, a-hole, we’re watching them- they’re running up and down the aisle, bouncing on chairs and getting up four times as they impatiently eat goobers and popcorn.

I don’t get this. Did I get hammered and talk loudly at some 4:45 showing of Madagascar? Okay, don’t answer that- let me rephrase- did I get hammered and try and make-out with someone during some 3PM screening of Happy Feet? Shit, don’t answer that either, but you get the point.

Hey, a-hole parent, do us all a favor, get a sitter- and if you can’t, don’t come to the movies. I came to this movie to have a good time, not to tell your kid what “fuck” means.

Friday, June 01, 2007

What Sucks...Swimming Tigers!


Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water, you could get mauled by a tiger. (Bet you didn’t see that “just when you thought it was safe” thing coming…)

Nice job by the trainer here by the way- way to make tiger more dangerous. Seriously, if you can come up with any way to improve its kill rate, by all means, do so.

At least Tiger Vs. Shark is on step closer to happening. (someone make me an old-timey boxing poster for Tiger V. Shark- I'm at work right now and can't!)

By the way, on land, I think we can all agree, you have to give it to the tiger. But now …it looks like the tiger is doing everything it can to even the odds on the shark’s home turf.

Either way both sharks and tigers will not think twice about killing you, be it land or sea.