Thursday, May 31, 2007

What Sucks…Quick Hits


…Tattoos On Boobs

Scare me! When my aunt was younger she thought it be cute to get a little butterfly on her breast now, it’s a Pterodactyl.



…The Astrodome


Hard to believe this thing was once referred to as “the 8th Wonder of the World”. What was the 9th? A card trick?


…The Part Of The Exam When You Have To Turn Your Head And Cough

Even in the extreme cases, is the information gathered by performing this worth it?



...Fruit Candles


Whoa, hey- your fruit tart is on fire! No wait, it’s a candle! Wow you almost had me there, now, can we talk about this loneliness that consumes you?


…That Whole “Andrew McCarthy Is Cool And Can Get Chicks” Thing In The 80’s.

This guy played a character named “Blaine” in one movie, and the film did not include a scene where “Blaine” got a beat down. What the hell was going on in the 80’s where he was a guy we were supposed to want to be like? Other generations had Brando and James Dean- we get Andrew McCarthy? This guy made 6 movies between 1985 and 1987 for Christsakes! Terrence Malick has made 6 movies over 38 years!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper



Why the Reaper had to take the guy who played Abba-Kahn in Charles in Charge, the uptight guy from The Ghost and Mrs. Muir and everyone's go-to guy in The Match Game is beyond me but I guess the Reaper has always been a dick when it comes to those things.

What is NOT beyond me is that Sid and Marty Kroft have lost one of their more elegant muses and heaven is a little more campy today.

Charles Nelson Reilly, RIP.

Friday, May 25, 2007

What Sucks…John Rambo



So they’re just gonna release the trailer for “John Rambo” (warning its very violent, warning 2- the White Shadow guy is in it) and act all normal, like there’s nothing to explain? Like there’s nothing to talk about regarding, oh I don’t know, Rambo III?

Rambo III never happened? Is that the idea? Cause, I saw it and, you know, it doesn’t age well.

“Birth Of A Nation” ages better. Really.

Maybe “John Rambo” will at least answer some of the questions left over from the last Rambo movie- like “What’s up with joining the Mujahideen and working for the freedom of the guys who would one day plan 9-11”? And, “Seriously, what’s up with what I just asked in that first question?”

Maybe “John Rambo” it will be better than the last Rambo III, and by “better than Rambo III”, let me say, maybe it WON’T include the star of the film joining forces with the same people who planned and perpetrated the single most horrible attack on American soil.

It’s got to be better, right? Cause save me some time right now- he doesn’t join Hezbollah, right?

And by the way, is it time we stop calling on Rambo as an operative? He’s 60 years old and his last time out he enabled the birth of the Taliban. He’s lucky he’s not in GITMO.


Rambo is back, and...feeling a little awkward about the whole helping the 9-11 guys thing.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

What Sucks...Whatever Happened That Would Make Joe Perry Play Guitar For Sanjaya On American Idol


Does Joe Perry owe money all over town? Does someone near and dear to him need a really expensive operation? Are his kids being held hostage by someone who insisted he go on American Idol last night and perform with Sanjaya?

Unfortunately, there is no picture of him being on stage with Sanjaya on the internet yet, so I'm not totally convinced this happened, but still, it may have. I mean there's a strong possibility it did.

It happened, didn't it?

I thought everyone in Aerosmith got out of debt a couple of years ago when they did that horrible thing at the Super Bowl with Britney Spears. How much does Joe Perry like to gamble, and how long has it been since he won?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What Sucks…Sharks Being Able to Reproduce Asexually


Great. More sharks. And with the headline above, apparently one may be Jesus. Great. A Jesus shark.

Scientists are saying that sharks now seem to have the ability to reproduce without sex- a trait heretofore attributed only to flowers, bees and _______ (fill in the blank with name of “religious group” or “square couple that you know” of your choice, for now, I’ll chose “Hassidim” or “my parents”). What does this mean? Well, it could mean two things- both of them bad.

First- it could mean sharks have now found their most effective way of fighting back against their long overdue elimination from the face of the earth, which I call for here www.what-sucks.blogspot/
CHUMSHOULDBEBOMBS/fakelink
and will eventually repopulate our oceans and then kill and eat all of us.

Or secondly, it is an isolated instance of “virgin birth”, and a shark is now Jesus who will subsequently judge everyone, and eat us. Jesus, as a shark. Who could have known? What a kick in the nuts.

Either way, a shark is, just out of no where, giving birth to another shark. Seriously, great.

A What Sucks Investigative Report…What Is The Coolest, Racist Thing? Today’s Feature: The General Lee


Hey, everybody knows racism just isn’t cool. That’s a no brainer, but what’s also a no brainer is that racism exists. So I pose the question- what’s the coolest, racist thing? When you think about it, I think you can make a case for the General Lee.

The General Lee, the car used by the Duke boys on the Dukes of Hazzard, may very well be, the coolest, racist thing. The supped up Dodge Charger that flew through the air at least once or twice an episode- that had it’s doors welded shut so that you had to go in through the window and that was fast enough to outrun any police car in Georgia, was pretty damn sweet. You could slide across its hood or dive across the roof- and it never failed to deliver a little extra pop when Roscoe or Cletus was in pursuit.

So what if the car was a racist and was named after the general for the south in the Civil War? So what if it had a confederate flag painted on its roof and when you hit the horn it played the confederate national anthem, “Dixie”? So what if it extolled many of the rallying cries held by men who fought and died for an America where Freedom was only for a few? It wasn’t like the General Lee ever parked itself outside a voting registration drive revved its engine every time someone new came by. Right?

Yes it had its bad traits, sure- its implicit call for a segregated state, for one- the time it “escorted” an El Dorado that was playing loud music out of Hazzard County (on a 4th season DVD extra) for another- the fact that it had to get pretty lousy gas mileage, for a third- but if you wanted politically correct values, you always had NBC’s answer to the General Lee- KITT, an effete Pontiac Sunbird.

So yeah, the General Lee wasn’t perfect, especially is you consider an element of “perfection” to be "not racist", but among all racist things, it was pretty damn cool.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

What Sucks…Live Blogging Things That Shouldn’t Be Live Blogged: The Hoboken Comedy Experiment


Normally when we're live blogging things that should not be live-blogged, its something like the The News Hour With Jim Lehrer or a Christina Aguilera video.

But this time, I’m letting a total pro handle the duties as the hilarious and venerable Susie Felber live blogged, for the first time in Hoboken history I might add, the Hoboken Comedy Experiment. Check out this historic report here...

Monday, May 21, 2007

What Sucks...Tonight! The Hoboken Comedy Experiment!



If you're in Hoboken, the Prague of New Jersey Monday night- stop by and check out the show I'm hosting.

You'll see...

Adam Wade...

The hilarious Susie Felber...

The great Ritch Duncan...

The very funny and author of the award winning blog Internetdogfist.com Jake Goldman

And the very funny, Adam Cole-Kelly...

It's free and you'll have a couple of laughs so come on down.

Friday, May 18, 2007

What Sucks…Maxim’s Hot 100 List # 95 “Second Life Girl”


No. No. No!

No, you DON’T get to put an avatar on your hot 100 list. Terrible job by Maxim.

First off, you have her beating out 5 HUMAN women, which is just plain rude. It’s kind of like when ESPN counted down the top 100 athletes of the century and ended up putting Secretariat, a horse, in at number 35. That was rude to Jerry West, Chris Evert, Sandy Kofax and Lawrence Taylor, among others. Now Maxim owes someone named Noureen DeWolf, Mia Maestro, Sun from Lost and Shanna Moakler (who kicked Paris Hilton’s ass) apologies.

Secondly making it okay to have a public conversation about having any feelings of attraction or arousal toward a video game character in any way shape or form, is wrong. Those feelings, if they exist in anyone should be pushed to the most far off regions of the mind because they are dirty and shameful. It’s not okay to make them “funny” or “ironic” cool- as it is to be a fan of someone like “David Hasselhoff” or “The Dixie Chicks”. Getting wood over a video game character is just plain pervy. The people who do, are one step away from those guys who play WOW, chose a female (elf) character and then when they communicate with someone else, don't reveal they're guys. Which makes them TWO steps away from one day "meeting" Chris Hanson in some house.

Thirdly, you’re taking a place away from a human. What, because you guys want to put Zelda on your list Alyssa Milano can’t continue her Ripken-esque streak of appearing on the top 100? That’s wrong and it’s bullshit.

You have ONE job Maxim- show us hot chicks who somehow think being in your magazine is different from being in Playboy- don’t mess it up! Who's gonna be # 95 next year? Bugs Bunny in Drag?

What Sucks Bonus…Maxim Ranks Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff and Fergie Over Shakira


Did you guys fall asleep on your dicks? WTF? Ashlee Simpson? Fergie? Are you out of your minds? Is this still a men’s magazine?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A 'What Sucks' Idiot Quiz


Question 1:

Which one of these is Alan Alda?
A) Alan Alda
B) John Tesh

Question 2:

Which one of these is John Tesh?
A) Alan Alda
B) John Tesh

You have 3 weeks to complete the exam. Good luck.

What Sucks…American Idol, America At Voting


I’m sick of writing about this show but each week it finds a new way to suck and I feel duty bound to talk about it.

American Idol voters have spoken and what they have is "we're idiots". Last night, America voted off Melinda, the clearly the best singer on American Idol, choosing instead a 17 year old and a dude who beat boxes constantly and who is in his “comfort zone” when singing the music of Maroon 5.

Today, there will be a backlash against Melinda. People will say she lacked a certain charisma and that must have lead to her downfall. This is not true. Her downfall was cause by American’s inability to vote for good candidates.

Lack of charisma? Why? Because she chose to expertly sing every song she sung and NOT beat box? So charisma = beat boxing and NOT being a polished professional? Bullshit. She lost because America, as it showed when they voted for George W. Bush, Vince Carter for an NBA All-Star game start and Nickelback for a People’s Choice Award winner, screwed the pooch on a vote again.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

What Sucks…Writing Jerry Falwell’s Obit: A Starter’s Kit


For the next day or so you'll probably be see this man’s obituary appearing in thousands of newspapers across the country. But for many out there it may be difficult to write. With so many Falwell obits written already, you may be asking, “where do I even start?”

Well, as a public service to anyone out there, here are a few opening lines to help you get going. Feel free to use as you put together your obit for Jerry Falwell.

…Jerry Falwell, an insane televangelist who was known at times to sit directly in front of a picture of himself, (see above) and who thought the Teletubby who was named “Tiny Winky” was gay, and that we deserved 9-11 because of our acceptance of gays and feminists, died today when he was found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, a bullshit school he made up…

…Jerry Falwell, who often referred to himself as “Doctor” even though all 3 “doctorate” degrees he received were honorary, and 2 of them came from unaccredited schools, and who released the straight to video documentary “The Clinton Chronicles” connecting Bill Clinton through a series of conspiracy theories to the death of Vince Foster and to a cocaine-smuggling operation, and who thought a Teletubby named Tiny Winky was gay, passed today after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, a 4th tier college he founded…

…Jerry Falwell, the founder of the Moral Majority, who once said the anti-Christ is alive now and a Jewish male, and who was once called an “agent of intolerance” by John McCain, before he decided to kiss the ass of the religious right, and who did not believe the Constitution had in it a place for the separation of Church and State, died today at Liberty University, a school where dinosaur fossils were displayed and dated at 3000 years old in order to correspond with a creationist philosophy…

…Jerry Falwell, a massive douchebag who thought a Teletubby was gay and that Lillith Fair was named after a demon, and who asked American Christians to support Apartheid by buying coins issued by the South African Government and who once said the AIDS was the wrath of a just G-d against homosexuals died today at the ironically named Liberty University, a school that you need an 800 on your SAT’s to get into...

…Jerry Falwell, who was attracted to a Teletubby named Pinky Winky and hated himself for it, and who also funneled cash from his “Old Time Gospel Hour” TV show to a political action committee forcing the IRS to revoke its tax-exempt status for 1986-87, and who accepted 3.5 million dollars from Sun Myung Moon to get his university out of debt despite Moon claiming to be the messiah sent to complete the failed mission of Christ, died yesterday at the college he founded, Liberty University which has an enrollment procedure for people who are home schooled...

What Sucks Bonus…Writing Jerry Falwell’s Obit: How To End It

And of course feel free to end your obit with this line.

…Falwell is survived by his wife and 3 kids, and the government has announced plans to put his Falwell’s face up, along with 3 others not yet named, on the soon to be created “Mount Rushmore For Assholes”...

What Sucks...A Tribute To Jerry Falwell


The world of Suckage took a major blow today with the death of Jerry Falwell. Today, we pay tribute to him and list some of the things he would list if he ran “What Sucks”.

What Sucks…Tele-Tubbies, Specifically “Tiny Winky”


Come on, these things are way gay. Look at the purple triangle, what’s in his purse for Christ-sakes, a dick?

What Sucks…Homosexuals, Feminists, The ACLU and Pagans (But Mostly Homosexuals)


Way to go, way to cause 9-11. I hope you’re happy.


What Sucks…Bill Clinton



Hey, nice job killing Vince Foster and smuggling coke into the US!

What Sucks…Dinosaurs


Hey, how’s it feel to be only 3000 years old! Well, at least I believe you existed!


What Sucks…Global Warming



You’re a myth! You know how I know? Because I’ve taken a look at it over the past couple of years, and that’s what I think!

Monday, May 14, 2007

What Sucks…The DMV


Sometimes on this blog I have to take unpopular views (WhatSucks.blogspot.com/HOTLESBIANSMAKINGOUT/fakelink). This however, is not one of those times.

If there was a “Suck Mecca”, it has to be the DMV.

Now, in my lifetime, I’ve owned a car in 4 different states and have received tickets in a few (many) others, and I find it amazing how no matter where I go, each encounter with a DMV never fails to blow.

Unscientific as my research is, I’m willing to bet that the DMV must have the single best “Exist to Suck”, or E:S, ratio in the world. It has to be that nearly 100 % of DMV’s suck. An amazing stat considering the fact that there are a couple of thousand DMV’s across the country.

Not to get side tracked here, but just to give you an idea of what that means, you can say that every Dane Cook movie sucks. Sure, there’s a 100 % conversion rate there, but what are there, 3 or 4 Dane Cook movies? Let’s raise the stakes - let’s say every Celine Dion album sucks. Okay, again we’re at a very high conversion rate, there are approximately 18 Celine Dion albums- all of them blow- impressive yes, but not so much when you think of the fact that there are thousands of DMV’s around the country. Thousands. To come anywhere close to that you have to, I don’t know...look at Mexicans. I’M KIDDING! TOTALLY A JOKE.

Seriously, the DMV is a true legend in suck. It’s an institution built on suckiness. Not only do they suck, but the vast majority of people who work there also suck- and the vast amount of services they offer, suck as well.

It’s like each DMV was built on an Indian burial ground that had buried in it, Indians who sucked. Amazing.

And what does the future have? More suckage? Probably. What’s the greatest innovation at the DMV in the last 40 years? A bench? A “Take a Number” system? Great, the DMV has finally narrowed the gap with my local super market.


Thanks for the bench.

Friday, May 11, 2007

What Sucks…Delta Farce Part 5 of a 5 Part Series: Where Is Foxworthy



The final indictment. No Foxworthy.

If you are no where to be found in a film in which two guys whose careers you basically built have starring roles….the movie just…might…be…a…

…piece of crap.

Well, today is the day. Delta Farce opens. I’ve done as much as I could. On Monday, if this thing sets a record for money made over a weekend, you can bet that YOU, America, will be called out for your sucking.

Clearly, I’m expecting Spiderman 3 to be on top. I also expect 28 Weeks Later to beat Delta Farce as well. I know that’s a little bit of a gamble. Blades of Glory should outdraw it and maybe even Distubia in its 3rd or 4th week. Finally, I have a hope that “Georgia Rule” edges it out, although that has to be a fantasy on my part. Something called the “Hip Hop Project” could be a wild card but anything over a 5th place finish for Delta Farce will be a disappoint for me.

Obviously, I’m not crazy, Delta Farce will beat “The Ex”, even I’d go see Larry the Cable dude over watching any movie with Zach Braff in it.

Next week, I‘ll be back with all sorts of things that suck. Look for Guinea worms, The Comb-over, Stuart Scott and of course, open sores. Until then, have a good weekend, and for any mothers who are reading this- Happy Mother’s Day.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What Sucks…Delta Farce: Part 4 of a 5 part series: Your Take


The response to Delta Farce week has been whelming. Look at some of this reaction, mostly from the comments section and an email or two I received- oh yeah, and me filling things out so I have enough here to do a blog entry.

Andrew said….

“…There are myriad of reasons that movie is going to suck…If Larry the Cable Guy is prominently featured in any motion picture it is destined for suckiness…There's more than one Blue Collar Comedy Tour member featured and none are Ron White…This is why Americans pretend to be Canadian abroad!”

J said…

“
…Go to the video store and paste "Rent Stripes Instead" on every copy of this. It's the right thing to do…”

Anonymous said…

“…The only thing that could save this movie is a cameo from Chuck*…”

*denotes: I’m not exactly sure what this means.

I said…

“…Oh yeah! Man, this thing looks like it will suck!”

Anonymous 2 said...

“…you should do a mystery science theater 3000 about this kick in the balls they call a movie...”

I said…

“…Damn right! Hey, what’s less likely- Engvall getting more acting work, or this thing getting screened for critics?”

Anonymous 3 said…

“…Please not a whole week of making fun of this crappy movie... that will suck…”

I said…

“…tell me about it- this is really starting to be a struggle here!”

Keith said…

“…We get it, you hate this movie- do me a favor, make this a 3 part series or I’ll check in with you next week!..”

I said…

“…You’re right- why am I even bothering to blog? Do the people who would see this thing even have the internet yet?”

Kim said…

“...All right, this is stupid- you win- I won’t see it…”

I said…

“…Stupid? This script is so stupid the closed captioning for it can be done by can be done by Fantasia Barrio! (She’s functionally illiterate).”

Tad4 said…

“…can it be that much worse than Spiderman 3?..”

I said…

“…before this thing is shown, the theater runs a preview for how you can get your money back from the theater!”

Tomorrow: where was Foxworthy?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What Sucks...Delta Farce: Part 3 of a 5 Part Series: The Marketing



I think the more people see the trailer for this film, the more the studio feels like it needs to try and reassure everyone that the film has some integrity. But, it’s a little late in the game, and the studio is getting a little desperate and I ain’t buying it. Check this out…


Bullshit.

Here’s another attempt to gain some credibility- you have to look closely but this is pathetic.



Here it is blown up…



How sad.

I know they are looking for some respectability here, but in this last one they just flat out lie. Mirren doesn't do bullshit like this...

What Sucks...Quick Hits: American Idol


Barry Gibb

What the hell happened to this guy? Is he aging in dog years? He couldn’t even stand up next to the piano. I looked it up- he’s 61- not 91. Staying Alive? (Come on, say it with me…) Barely.


Blake Lewis Part 1

Nice job picking an obscure tune for your second song. What’s with the “deep cut”? I can barely take the Barry Gibb hits, you’re telling me you’re gonna do “This Is Where I Came In” and ignore Jive Talking?


Blake Lewis Part 2

We get TWO tunes where he beat boxes? Are you taunting me? Even Randy couldn’t take it.


Song selection

These a-holes basically ignored the Saturday Night Fever album, other than LaKeisha's "Staying Alive", leaving “Night Fever”, “How Deep Is Your Love?”, “More Than a Woman”, and the Barry Gibb penned “If I Can’t Have You” out in the cold. They also blow off “New York Mining Disaster 1941” and the aforementioned “Jive Talking” as well as “Tragedy” and “Emotion”. Hate to say it, but Sanjaya, that sick fuck, would have picked at least one of those tunes. I guess you don’t know what you have until its gone.


Prediction

Looks like "single moms who pick themselves up by their boot straps" go up tonight against beat boxing. I don’t feel good about single moms coming out on top. Beat boxing has already defeated "guys on active service in the navy with two young kids", and "dudes who do shout outs to people at VA Tech".

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

What Sucks…Delta Farce Part 2 of a 5 Part Series: The Plot


Sadly, when you’re talking plausibility, the idea that the US Army could be so stretched that Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy could be mistaken for soldiers and get sent to not just Iraq, but Fallujah, is, unfortunately, not that much of a leap.

So what I’m saying is initially, plot-wise, Delta Farce has potential.

Now, all you have to do is take Engvall and Thecableguy and put them in “the shit”, where they’re going out every night on maneuvers, raiding suspected terrorist safe houses, watching Iraqi armed forces out of the corner of their eyes because they don’t know for sure if they’re loyal to the Iraqi government, or to Muqtada al-Sadr- all the while avoiding every piece of garbage on the street because it may be an IED. Oh yeah, and have them also witness unbelievable acts of sectarian violence, discover about 30 bodies with drill holes in their heads A DAY, all without having the required armor to fend off an attack from any one of the numerous insurgent groups targeting them.

Shit, I’d go see that.

EXT. FALLUJAH. DAY.

PVC LAWRENCE STAGGERS UP THE STREET, US SOLDIERS FLANK HIM LEFT AND RIGHT. A CHILD WANDERS UP TO HIM.

LAWRENCE
Hey there little fella. Git ‘er done!

SOLDIER 1
Don’t go near him- he could be booby-trapped!

LAWRENCE
What? This little guy? Hey buddy, I’m with the coalition of the willing…to have a beer right now. (HE LAUGHS AT HIS JOKE) Hablo Ingles? Hablo…anything?

PVC ENGVALL
Are you one of them Sunni or Shi’a? What’s the difference?

LAWRENCE
In Fallujah? A couple of family members stolen in the night.

THE KID’S MOTHER HURRIEDLY TAKES HIM AWAY.

PVC ENGVALL
That your mom? I guess your Sunni.

A CAR EXPLODES UP THE BLOCK.

LAWRENCE
That’s why you gotta buy American.

SOLDIER 1:
(OFF CAMERA ) This is unit six, five, niner- request immediate rendezvous!

ENGVALL
Rendezvous? What are you, French?

LAWRENCE
Of course not, they’re here.

A CAR PULLS UP AND A GROUP OF MEN JUMP OUT, PUT A HOOD OVER LAWRENCE AND ENGVALL’S HEAD AND PULL THEM INTO A CAR.

LAWRENCE
Git ‘er done!!!!

THE CAR PULLS AWAY AS US SOLDIERS SHOOT AT IT.

SCENE.

But somehow these Delta Farce fuckers end up in Mexico.

By the way, how do you fly over Mexico while heading to Iraq? Where are they leaving from, Mexico?

Monday, May 07, 2007

What Sucks...Delta Farce: Part 1 of a 5 Part Series



Jesus.

I don’t know where to start.

I’m going to need more time.

I may need help to. Keep looking at the trailer, by the end of this week, I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with a reason this thing sucks. That’s right, this is "What Sucks...Delta Farce" week.

Friday, May 04, 2007

What Sucks...Republican Debaters



For the record the 3 who raised their hands were Senator Sam Brownback, Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Rep. Tom Tancredo, so its like they're gonna get anywhere near the Oval Office anyway but still, denying evolution puts you on the slippery slope of denying dinosaurs, and dinosaurs are AWESOME!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

What Sucks...American Idol, White Guys Beat Boxing, Blake Lewis, Robin Thicke



So America had a choice of eliminating a dude who is in the Navy with two kids, or someone who put “beat boxing” into a Bon Jovi song, and they went with throwing out the dude from the Navy.

Now sure, from all accounts it's evident that Phil Stacy’s job in the Navy, is to sing. He’s not exactly securing Baghdad, (although, if he hasn’t been deployed yet, he’s gotta be on his way any minute now.) So it’s not like America is exactly choosing Beat Boxing over freedom (cough into my hand- they are) and it is also true that Phil Stacy looks like a bat which has had to have a role in this, but still, I don’t get this whole beat boxing/ Blake Lewis thing.

Why the fuck is everyone so impressed with him? Why whenever he beat boxes do Paula and Randy practically jizz themselves? Do they think he invented beat boxing? Didn’t beat boxing fall into the category of “annoying” 20 minutes into “The Disorderlies” back in 1987? If I went to a non hip-hop show to see someone sing, and then someone started beat boxing, I’d be like “Stop that right now!”

On top of this, he put it into a Bon Jovi song. Bon Jovi himself called it a “gamble” but read between the lines, he was totally like- “Beat boxing? Are you shitting me? You know how many girls Ritchie fucked because of this song? The guy ended up marrying Heather Locklear and look at him. No, seriously- LOOK at him.”

While we’re on the subject, Bon Jovi came off like a pretty nice guy. Yes, he’s total "hair rock" and responsible in part for one of the worst eras in music history, but I find it hard not to like him. He and Ritchie Sambora are pretty much the embodiment of the American Dream. Two guys from New Jersey grow their hair long, half-way learn to play the guitar, and then become millionaires with one of them ending up married to Heather Locklear, and then fucking Denise Richards. You think kids from outside America can dream like that? The answer is no.

Back to Blake- I don’t blame him. Actually, I think he’s a pumpkin size balled genius. He deserves to be crowned the next “American Idol” (and then subsequently “American Idle” when his album doesn’t sell well) just for having the guts to do what he did. I blame the judges and yes, America. Why are we letting this fly? Am I so out of touch with American culture that I don’t know that there is a thirst out there for white dudes beat boxing? Does this mean a “Disorderlies 2” is on the way? I hope not.

What Sucks Bonus: Robin Thicke



Oh, and Robin Thicke sucks too. The Thicke family contribution to entertainment is Growing Pains and this guy.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

What Sucks…The 1st Ever ‘What Sucks Preemptive”


The Golden State Warriors last night made me look ridiculous, (see below) and a man in my position can not afford to look ridiculous.

I still think they’re gonna win, Game 6 is tomorrow however the 1st Ever “What Sucks Preemptive”, sucked.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

What Sucks…A ‘What Sucks Preemptive’: The Dallas Mavericks


The official East Coast Time right now is 3:25 PM, and I know they don’t play until 11 or so tonight, but I am calling it now…

The Dallas Mavericks suck.

In the first ever “What Sucks” preemptive, “something sucks” entry, I am calling out this huge choke job by the Mavs, before it even happens. I can’t believe the number one ranked team in the playoffs, the team with the best record in the NBA, the team with a player who could very possibly win the MVP, lost to the Golden State Warriors, tonight- a team that hasn’t been in the playoffs for 12 years.

They couldn’t even get to a 6th game! What a disgrace.

And while I’m calling out things that suck, before they in fact actually suck, the film Delta Farce, which puts Larry the Cable guy in Iraq, sucks too.

As does any new album from Maroon 5.