Monday, April 30, 2007

What Sucks...The Sopranos


SPOILER ALERT*

You may have lost me last night.

Normally I have a pretty good idea of what I’m about to watch when I turn on HBO. You always see that warning screen right before the show starts- you know the one- it says “Mature Content”, “Strong Language”, “Violence”, “Nudity”…well, last night, they kind of left out “Kid Shitting in School Shower”.

I’ve sat through some pretty bad Sopranos in the past couple of years. All of last season, for example. You want to tell the “Gay Vito” story? Do it in one episode. We don’t need the whole “Johnny Cakes” thing. This is the Sopranos, not the Italian L Word.

Also, please, we have precious few episodes left, please, no dream sequences. Whatever you’re trying to tell us through a 52 minute jaunt through Tony’s subconscious, we don’t want to know.
But last night’s show may have turned me off forever. I’m seriously on the fence now. And it’s not just the aforementioned “Kid Shitting in the Shower Scene”, (with us seeing the poop no less). There was something even worse- another mention of Carmella’s Spec House.

I’m begging the creative forces behind the Sopranos now- please, no more Carm’s Spec House, no more shitting, no more dream stuff, no more plot lines revolving around the brewing feud between Artie Bucco and the kid who played Vinny on Doogie Howser. There are 6 episodes left- what happened to the Russian in the woods? Will NY and NJ have a war? These are paths to explore.

If next week is about Ginny, Johnny Sak’s widow getting a job at a Dairy Queen, I quit.

Friday, April 27, 2007

What Sucks...Quick Hits!


The Show “Numb3rs” (sic)

A show about a guy who uses math to solve crimes. How the hell did this thing get on the air? With all the Law and Orders and CSI’s, how exhausted is the idea of a detective show that someone’s “new twist” was “Hey, what if this guy did math?” Also, why randomly spell “Numbers” with a “3”? That makes no sense.


The Term “Salad Days”

I don’t get it. The phrase is supposed to bring to mind the best of times- your absolute prime, days when you sat above it all, high on the mountain top and…ate salad? WTF?


Liverwurst

Translated, it literally means “liver sausage” (thanks Wikipedia!). Nasty. Does anyone really know what this is made of? I mean I suppose a component of it is liver, but after that the phrase “other meat parts” is often invoked.


Corns

Think the above image is disturbing, think how the 13% of my readers who are “into feet” feel. Humans are underratedly gross animals.


John Mark Karr

Equal parts a-hole and perv, well, maybe more of a perv, but still an a-hole, this douchebag confesses to killing JonBenet while in Thailand (a huge hot spot for pervs), trudges the whole thing back up into the spotlight after a decade, then it turns out he was just making it up and was actually at home during the time of the killing. (Mini-quick hit, the Boulder Police for not calling this perv’s ex wife for the alibi!)

Thursday, April 26, 2007

What Sucks…People Magazine


Define “beautiful”.

“Having a great publicist”? Then yeah, I’m all right with this cover.

What is this, 1994?...AFTER a nuclear accident wipes out Winona Ryder, Bridget Fonda, Lauren Holly and Madeline Stowe? (Man, other than Winona in her prime, we were hurting for hot chicks in that era!)

Look, Drew’s cute and everything. I liked her in Wedding Singer and she was in ET and all, and she does a good job when she hosts SNL- but “The Most Beautiful 2007”? How do I put this gingerly? Ah, no fucking way.

In 2007, Jessica’s Beil, Alba and Kelly Brook should be splitting every award for anything involving the word “beautiful” until further notice.

What Sucks....Things That Suck About Lost V. 4: Who Really Wants To Leave The Island?


At this point I don't think any of these people want really want to leave the Island. Seriously, name one-

Locke?



And go back to the wheelchair? No thanks.

Jin?



And go back to a life where he's a rage-aholic hitman who shoots blanks and whose wife cheats on him because he can't deal with his parents being blue collar? No thanks.

Sayid?



And go back to Iraq? Say what you will about an Island with a smog monster, Polar Bears and the Others running around- it’s safer than Baghdad. No thanks.

Charlie?



And go back to being a junkie, one-hit wonder? Off the Island he’s one of the Corey’s. On the Island he’s a bottle of wine away from doing the nasty with Claire.

That's 4 people right off the bat who ain't leaving. Throw in Kate, who doesn't have to run from the law for the 1st time in years, Rose, who is no longer dying of a terminal illness and the rescue plane, when it comes, is gonna have a lot of room in it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

What Sucks...Live Blogging Things That Shouldn't Be Lived Blogged: Christina Aguilera's 'Ain't No Other Man' Video



Christina Aquilera has always seemed to be a little more “about the music” than most of her contemporaries. I mean here’s an artist who’s despite her flash, does have quite a voice and is always seemingly trying to re-invent herself and expand as a vocalist. Her latest album is a a tribute to the great singers of the 30’s and 40’s- the Etta James’ and Billy Holiday’s that paved the way for her. Maybe it would be interesting to take a look at what Christina has to say musically, while her peers seem so content to define their styles in the tabloids.

:01- Okay, here we go.
:08- Okay, a title sequence, nice, there’s a car…
:16- Yeah more shots setting the “1940’s” scene, I get it, it takes place “back in the day”. This is a video, not a movie. Jesus, this thing has better production quality than “Lord of the Rings”.
:43 Okay, Christina makes an appearance… there she is, cool taking off some sort of robe…
1:08 Yeah she’s moving around in some kind of silk thing that is seriously clinging to her body. And there are some pretty back-up dancers.
1:13 Nice we’re backstage now and Christina seems to be wearing very little- I guess that’s what women of the era wore backstage, I suppose she’s trying to be as realistic as possible.
1:20 Wow, she’s doing what I can only believe happens whenever girls were getting dressed together in that time, she’s dancing around with other young women in her underwear.
1:33 Well now she’s taking off that little robe thing and shaking herself. So playful, the other girls are dancing too. I guess there was a lot of camaraderie between singers back in those days. Despite race issues that permeated every other aspect of society. Ha! Oh, now they are dressing her! I guess a lot goes with the job of a back up dancer. Now she’s standing on a little pedestal and they are all touching her! Wow. Heh.....PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER! PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
1:39 PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
1:41 PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
1:43 PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
1:45 PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
1:53 Now the scene has shifted to a slumber party.
1:56 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
1:58 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:00 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:02 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:05 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:08 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:10 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:12 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:14 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:16 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:18 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:20 OH, PLEASE SWEET LORD KISS EACH OTHER!
2:22 Okay, we’re out of the slumber party! No! Now she’s just on stage by herself, singing!
2:25 Heh, go back to the slumber party. Heh. Go back and kiss your friends!
2:27 GO BACK AND KISS YOUR FRIENDS!
2:29 GO BACK AND KISS YOUR FRIENDS!
2:31 GO BACK AND KISS YOUR FRIENDS!
2:32 Okay, now we’re back in some hall way and her super hot fiends are back as they are dancing through some apartment building.
2:34 – 2:41 PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
2:42- 2:53 PLEASE, PLEASE KISS EACH OTHER!
2:55 We’re breaking it down now.
2:56- 3: 55 Come on already! Kiss your back up dancers! What the hell is wrong with you? Did you know Etta James kissed HER backup dancers?
3:58 - to End: What, no girl-girl kiss? This video sucks!

Ahem, so as you can see, Christina is “Back To Basics”, and by “Basics” I mean she’s is exploring her gifted voice and a refining her electric presence as a performer.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

What Sucks…CNN.COM Entertainment: Really Grabbing At Shit Today


What’s Donny Osmond up to now? Are you serious? Who gives a shit? I don’t think Marie Osmond asks that. Here’s a question, CNN.COM Entertainment: why Donny Osmond? Why not “What’s William Katt up to now?" Why not "What's Bai Ling up to now?"

Here’s another question: why are you working at that job if you obviously give so little of a shit about it? On another glance I see that CNN.com AND Entertainment Weekly are asking “What’s Donny Osmond up to now?”

Are you telling me TWO major media entities came together to ask this? In that case, what IS Donny Osmond up to? Is he fucking alligators and shitting otters*?

*Denotes me trying to start a new expression, in this case to describe something totally newsworthy. We’ll see how it goes.

What Sucks…The Passive Aggressiveness of the Song “Cat’s In the Cradle”


A melancholy folk song about lost time between a father and a son? Or an epic, play by play account of a dad and his kid passive aggressively blowing each other off over the course of a lifetime?

Take a look at the lyrics and make the call.

In the meantime, if your kid wants you to teach him to throw and catch, do yourself a favor and make time. Kids have memories and as you can see in this song, payback is a bitch.

Monday, April 23, 2007

What Sucks...The Sleestaks


Sleestaks suck on two levels. First, they were malevolent to Marshall, Will and Holly, forcing them to constantly live in fear, for basically no reason.

What did Marshall, Will and Holly do to the Sleestaks? Nothing. They just appeared, accidentally, in the Land of the Lost. They didn’t want to be there, clearly they were the victims of an earthquake and, as the name of the new world they had just entered indicates, lost. Yet the Sleestaks decided they were a threat and treated them as such. Why? Because they looked different? I’ll say it- they were fucking racists.

If the Sleestaks they didn’t have their collective heads so far up their asses, they’d help M, W & H get back home. What was the threat they posed? Did the Sleestaks think they were looking to take over their territory? With freaking T Rexes and monkey boys like Cha-ka eying Holly every chance they got? I don’t think so.

Incidentally, after studying the theme songs of the Land of the Lost Will and Holly’s family name seems to be Marshall, which means their dad (who ended up leaving TLoTL without his kids) was named “Marshall Marshall”. Which is unfortunate.

Back to the Staks. The Sleestaks ALSO suck because as beings, evil or otherwise, they were incredibly weak. They couldn’t take light. So in the daytime, you were totally safe from a Sleestak. Also, they were slow as shit. If you were spotted by a Sleestak, you could basically sit back, relax and enjoy the film The Good Sheppard (it was long) before you had to worry about running away. In the rare instance they could get close to you, you could easily escape their clutches by “walking quickly” in the opposite direction.

They moved so slow because clearly they had asthma. How else can you explain the unbelievably loud breathing noise they made as they approached anything. They couldn’t sneak up on you, and most certainly couldn’t catch you in a foot race.

So in their bitterness for not ever being able to be out in the sunshine, and having really bad asthma, the Sleestaks tore a family apart. What a bunch of racist dicks.

What Sucks Presents...Where Are They Now?


Abe Lincoln…

Our 16th President.

Dead!


Thomas Alva Edison...

He invented the lightbulb!

Dead, in a coffin!


Former Soviet Leader Leonid Brezhnev-

He replaced Nikita Khrushchev!

Dead. Buried in the Kremlin wall!


Lebanese-American Comedian Danny Thomas…

He starred in "Father Knows Best"!

Dead! In a mausoleum!

Friday, April 20, 2007

What Sucks…Dove's “Pro-Age” Ads: Perv Watch V.10


I’m not sure I want to buy their soap, but these ads definitely make me want to take a shower. Either way, pervs who want to show old ladies naked have burst into the advertising world and it is a very dangerous time.

Now of course I do realize that there are a lot of na├»ve people out there who feel pervs are not behind this. Ironically, statistics say a large demographic of females, women 35 to 60, are among the ad’s most vocal supporters- actually ranking second, behind of course, “Dudes too embarrassed to buy 'Over 50'". Truth be told, they are tied for second with “Guys Who Read 'Gummers'".

By the way, did you like that 1st link, perv? Not what you expected, huh? If you clicked on the second, you should make a donation and then MAYBE G-d will let you into heaven, perv.

So yes, this campaign is the work of pervs and before I start getting a huge backlash here like I did for the Queen’s Greatest Hits post- like I’m sure any of you bastards have “Play The Game” or “Keep Yourself Alive” on your iPod- I’ll tell you why.

You see, these ads here purport to celebrate women aging, but take a closer look, if you can stomach it, and you’ll realize that even the “old”, “non-conventional” women they are celebrating, are models.

I mean how many of us have that aunt whose thighs are so big they touch each other...on both sides? Or a grandmother whose beard would put a fundamentalist Muslim cleric to shame? Where are THEIR commercials?

And before you berate me for shitting on Dove, ask yourself, how bad do these ads make the average, run of the mill, everyday woman feel, when in a campaign designed to celebrate their numerous wrinkles, crows feet, and vagina stomachs, they are left on the outside looking in?

So I’ll say it, Dove’s marketing department- pervs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What Sucks...The Whole “The Day The Music Died” Thing


Something about this has always bothered me.

Yes I know Buddy Holly was killed and while that is tragic, music did not die that day. Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper did. Richie Valens & Big Bopper do not equal music.

Imagine today if a plane carrying Phil Stacey, Fergie, and that Iron & Wine guy crashed in a field in Iowa. Would anyone be saying music died? No.

The other thing is, years later when John Lennon was killed- murdered no less- no one pronounced loudly enough that THAT was the day “music died”. As a result, the day widely associated with “music’s death”- is the day when the dude who sung “Chantilly Lace” crashed in a plane. Just doesn’t seem right.

Granted I wasn’t around back then but if I came into work the next day and someone told me music was dead, I’d be like “Fuck! Elvis died?”

“Ahh, no.”

“Johnny Cash?”

“No.”

“Jerry Lee Lewis?”

“No.”

“Chuck Berry?”

“No.”

“Roy Orbison? Carl Perkins? Little Richard? James Brown?”

“No.”

Cut to hands spinning around a clock showing the passing of time.

“…and it’s not Chuck Berry?”

“No.”

“Fats Domino?”

“No.”

“Sigh. That guy who does ‘Rock Around the Clock’”?

“Bill Haley?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Who then?”

“…The guy who sang “La Bamba”?

“Oh.”

“And the guy who sang ‘Chantilly Lace’.”

“I see. Dude, music is still alive.”

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

What Sucks…Queen’s Greatest Hits


DISCLAIMER: In all fairness, I should point out that I am talking about the Queen’s Greatest Hits Elektra version. Therefore, in the following posting, I will not be shitting on “Radio Ga-Ga” and “Save Me” or “Body Language”. If you’re reading this in hopes of seeing me shit on those songs, I apologize in advance. That being said…

Is it possible an entire album can suck, while still being a “Greatest Hits”?

What exactly was it with Queen? As a 13-year old, this album could do no wrong. Now, I can’t believe anything on this was a hit.

Check out these songs.

Do you have the desire to hear ANY of them un-ironically? I’ve honestly heard Bohemian Rhapsody so many times that I’m sick of listening to the baritone part. Gun to my head, I’ll take “Under Pressure” over anything else on side one even though it was basically killed by Vanilla Ice’s “Ice, Ice Baby”.

But what about “Bicycle Race”? Was that really a hit, ever? Did adults sit around and “rock out” to that? Same for “Fat Bottomed Girls”. What, did Freddie Mercury have a “Ray Stevens” stage?

And the only song to play after a sporting event more emasculating than “We Are the Champions” is Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” and have you ever thought about the idea behind “We Will Rock You”. Try to and not get weirded out a little- other than a guy having mud on his face, I’m not sure what it’s about.

“Another One Bites The Dust” is basically a disco song that tells the story of a mob-type hit. Measure its impact today, and your talking about a song played at a baseball game when someone strikes out.

What’s left? Crazy Little Thing Called Love? Killer Queen? The Flash Gordon song? Are these great, great songs? Or are they act one of this amazing show…

Monday, April 16, 2007

What Sucks…The Cover of Bird Watcher’s Digest Compared To Last Week’s Rolling Stone



Bird Watcher's Digest has got to up the ante a little here. What's their circulation? 3 people? See if you can look at this cover for 5 seconds without being distracted by something and looking away...



Oh wow- field guides go digital?! Really? ZZZZZZZZZ.

I don’t know what the hell is going on here but if the people over at Bird Watcher’s Digest want to sell a few magazines, they could learn a lot from Rolling Stone. Look at this thing…


DAMN! Naked hot chicks with their asses touching covered only with bullets?! You have my attention!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

What Sucks...Anatomy Of A Douchebag: Michael Nifong


5 steps to being a total douchebag…

Step #1:
In an effort to come out on top in your upcoming reelection bid, get on TV as much as you can as you try and capitalize on a sensational story involving elite, rich white kids abusing an African-American girl in your mostly African-American community, go public with some accusations that are known to be untrue.

Step #2:
Refuse to hear exculpatory evidence (evidence that could clear the defense) PRIOR to indictment. Subsequently admit in court that 6 months after the incident neither you nor anyone from your office has even met with the alleged victim. Then add that on the night the alleged victim was shown a line up of suspects, the line up CONSISTED ENTIRELY OF DUKE LACROSSE PLAYERS! Act indignant when she picks out three people who went to Duke. Really? They all went to Duke, huh? Shocker- that’s all she saw!

Step #3:
Withhold (read: hide) DNA evidence that would clear said lacrosse players from the defense! Then, of course after you have been re-elected, get reprimanded for holding back said evidence and be forced to drop the rape aspect of the case due to that evidence and the alleged victim’s constant changing of her story.

Step #4: Despite dropping the rape charge, maintain a “kidnapping and assault charge” even though one of your suspects has a time stamped ATM receipt that would pretty much have him in a different place at the time of the attack.

Step #5:
Write the Attorney General asking him to take over the case after the alleged victim admits one of the defendants did NOT attack her, refuse to drop the charges on the person she cleared and then, one day after the Attorney General takes over the case and drops all charges, get investigated by him, have him call you a “rogue prosecutor” and “apologize” to the kids who’s lives you basically ruined.

Congrats, you are a douchebag.

What Sucks...The Anti-Semitic Plot Line in Porky’s


How did this happen? One second I’m an 11 year old watching the greatest movie ever- boobs, car chases, girls showering, dick jokes, more boobs- and the next minute I’m at an Elie Wiesel lecture on tolerance.

What cross-section of movie-goers was this film aimed at? Horny dudes who worked at the ADL? What was the lesson? Watching high school girls take a shower in their locker room, knows no religious affiliation? It was like Russ Meyer and Simon Wiesenthal sat down and wrote a screenplay. (Wiesenthal was the one who came up with the hilarious Kim Cattrall / Lassie gag and the “I know that penis has a mole” call back at the end of the film).

Still, Porky’s is a must see- I wish I could say the same for “Where The Boys Are: Gaza Strip!”


Tits and a lesson?


(This posting is dedicated to Bob Clark. RIP)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper



Kurt Vonnegut, RIP.

What Sucks...Mosquitoes


A flying bug that sucks your blood, leaves you with a welt that itches and oh yeah, can transmit diseases like Malaria and West Nile.

I think that pretty much says it all. As far as insects go, this little fucker has to be pretty high up there on the suck list. Yeah, a bee will sting you, but they also make flowers grow. These guys? What’s the best thing you can say about them? They’re good food for bats?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

What Sucks...Avril Lavigne


Why is Avril Lavigne always telling me to go fuck myself?


This is her "thing"? To give the finger? Can someone have that as a "thing"? How weak.



Is it that she feels she's being pestered by the paparazzi? Why do I get the bird? I didn't write "Complicated".



Look, I do as little “Avril Lavigne picture-looking” as possible, I am not driving the market here- believe me- as a matter of fact, if there was a way I could lower the small amount of Avril pictures I do see, I certainly would. Yet I am constantly told to fuck myself by the girl who sings "Skater Boi".

I don't need it. It sucks.


No Avril, F YOU!

What Sucks...Separated At Birth!


Alaa & Walaa!



Daria & Olga!



Lotice & Christina!



Hassan and Hussein!

Monday, April 09, 2007

What Sucks...Quick Hits!


...Imus: This Guy Looks Like Shit
Say what you will about the sensation surrounding his off-color remarks on the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team- there’s no debate that this guy looks like hell. Seriously, this dude makes Jeff Van Gundy look like a picture of health. Here’s my question- facially, how the hell are we gonna know when he dies?


...Marshmallow Bunny Easter Candy
A quick list of things that are better for you to eat than Marshmallow Bunnies
1) Actual, whole, live bunnies
2) This Pork.
3) Hepatitis C
Why are these things bought? Are they even still made, or are we still using the original batch from 1948?


...Charley Horses
An “out of nowhere”, sharp pain that attacks your legs. I blame God.


...Hairless Cats
Put clothes on these things, they scare the shit out of me. It’s like the result of a three way between a Chihuahua, a bat and Satan.


...Connie Selleca’s Taste in Husbands…
First Gil Gerard, then John Tesh. Apparently Connie Selleca was out there, available, looking for a husband- twice, and all that showed up was Buck Rogers and Tesh. I don’t get it. Then again, perhaps I’m just hating on this one, haunted with the thought that maybe another time, another place, I could have had a shot.

Friday, April 06, 2007

What Sucks...Hoboken Edition


I did a version of What Sucks for the very cool Hoboken Blog Hoboken411. It's run by a dude named Perry and it's really blowing up- even getting banned by the mayor in city hall! (Check out Hoboken411 for the play by play on that one).

Hoboken is a crazy town- and I really dig it. It's one of those places where every other door is either a church or a bar. The thing I wrote about? They’re opening a big-ass CVS in a place where, well, we really don’t need a CVS- we have 5 CVS’ and Rite Aids in one mile radius.

Are you asleep yet?

So anyway, the reaction was enormous, they are rioting in the streets in Hoboken. It's out of control. As of this posting 24 comments were made. One guy called me a tool, asked if I was a comedian and then told me not to quit my day job- hey knuckehead, my day job IS being a comedian.

Another person was offended with the term "Sucks".

Come see what everyone was so under-whelmed with.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

What Sucks...Sand Flies


The beach, like caller ID, the remote control and Netflicks, it is one of G-d’s gifts to mankind. Comfy sand, beautiful water and women wearing very little provides an amazing escape from the everyday shit-fest that is life. Sand flies therefore, occupy a very special place in the pantheon of suck.

First off, they’re flies. Normally, this is enough said. They’re annoying, gross, many times born in poo, and in order to eat, throw up on their food, so that a chemical breaks down what they eat into a syrupy, puke-ish, easy to slurp mess. Sand flies take all these traits, and bring them to the beach. Oh yeah, and they also bite you.

Nice job on this one, God.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

What Sucks...The Hokey Pokey


Sucks.

I WISH putting your left in and taking it out was what it was all about. Turns out everything is about money.

Try buying medicine for your aging parents, or food for your young children or getting an education with a good, energetic shake of your right arm. Ain’t happening.

A more accurate version of this song would be….

PUT YOUR MONEY IN, PUT YOUR MONEY OUT.
PUT YOUR MONEY IN AND SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT.

PROVIDE FOR YOURSELF AND FAMILY, BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WILL AND IF YOU ACHIEVE SOME SORT OF STABILITY, THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!

Yeah, do it, see how far you get.