Friday, March 30, 2007

What Sucks…What Mr. Horton Did To Dudley


Look, I know it’s been a long time, and it was, well, fictional, but still, there is no dark abscess of hell hot enough for Mr. Horton the bike shop owner. What that son-of-a-bitch did to Dudley was wrong and completely out of line. Plying Arnold and his best friend with wine, taking pictures of them shirtless and trying to get them to play “Tarzan” on his bed, is deplorable on every level.

Also, as a young person watching Diff’rnt Strokes back in those days, you just really didn’t need to see that shit. I don’t care if it didn’t actually occur- with those 3 actors at the top of their games, it may have just as well been real.

Further traumatizing was when, a couple of years later, Mr. Horton was able to get a job as the Maytag Repairman.


Forget that all his commercials had him talking about how “lonely” he was, what about the horrifying thought of coming home from school and seeing this predator working on your dishwasher? I guess it was just by the grace of God that those Maytag’s were so damn dependable.

So what is the legacy of Dudley and the bike shop owner who tried to touch Arnold? Would there be some sort of “Mystic River” existence? Kind of I suppose, only in reverse, it was Dudley touched on the show, but in real life he went on to be one of the only child actors on Diff’rnt Strokes not to spend time behind bars.

No, perhaps the legacy is the era of the “very special episode”. Mr. Horton and Dudley could be the reason why every once in a while we see Jim Belushi confront someone on his show about their drinking, or why a superfluous character on "Growing Pains" or "Who’s The Boss?" got beaten up by their father or husband.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Horton.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

What Sucks...Pepe Le Pew


Is it me, or is this French bastard lucky cats don’t carry mace? I mean Mike Tyson did time for what this skunk does every day. Hey Pepe, “Meow” means “no”! Why each cartoon doesn’t start off with this skunk “registering” himself in a police station is a mystery.

Of course you couldn’t even have Pepe Le Pew without the poor cat who plays “Ned Beatty” to Pepe’s “hillbilly with a banjo”.

That poor thing, it must be hell knowing that each day you come in contact with white paint, that night you’ll have to take the morning after pill. Nine lives is a curse when you have to spend them living in fear of “skunk rape”.

BLAMING THE VICTIM?

Despite a criminal justice system that has apparently failed this cat, it DOES seem it is impossible for her to avoid white paint. I mean seriously, I have managed to avoid white paint for the better part of my lifetime, and I DON’T get fucked by a skunk when I get hit with it. You’d think if the stakes were higher, she’d make more of an effort. But who am I to judge, she’s probably traumatized.

“Oh, white paint again. Great. Now I look like a skunk. Wonder if Pepe Le Pew is gonna come over here try and fuck me? Last time I saw that a-hole I ended up in a bath tub full of tomato juice with a UTI!”

SKUNK OUT OF CONTROL?

What's clear is that Peppy just doesn’t care. As a skunk- he’s GOTTA know that’s a cat. I mean she’s like “MEOW! I’m a fucking cat! That’s mouse on my breath- I’m sitting here with a ball of string…MEOW!”

He can’t help himself- hormones raging- he’s just seeing black and white at this point. How many mornings does Pepe black out, wake up with claw marks across his face, look over to his left and see a badger?

“I did WHAT last night?”

This whole interspecies- nonconsensual thing is wrong. Come on now- kids are watching.

What Sucks…Paradise By The Dashboard Light


Is there any reason to ever hear this song again?

Played chiefly at bars by giggling women as they begin their 3rd drink, “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” tells the sad story of a man trapped in a relationship at a young age. A cautionary tale of a 17 year-old who is failed by American society’s puritan refusal to address sexuality in an informed way, “Paradise” sees its protagonist forced to mortgage his future in exchange for what can only be called “a little moogombo” from a seemingly hot, yet otherwise nondescript chick he goes to high school with.

Thusly, in the end, he openly wishes for the slow, inevitable arrival of death to escape the consequences of the young hormone driven promise he made to his date. Why this dirge must constantly be played at bars where good people are only trying to get in a decent after-work drink, I don’t know.

It is not a happy song- there is no need spend your hard earned money putting it on, nor is there any need to yell “Whoo” when you hear its dreadful opening notes.

For the 3 of you unfamiliar with it, I’ll break the 8 ½ minute song down here:

- A guy is trying to fuck some girl in his car.

- Together they begin the very natural act of “fooling around”.

- Clearly affected by a patriarchal and vaguely religious belief that a woman is not worthy of exploring her sexuality with anyone other than her husband, the girl solicits the guy for a promise to marry.

- Somehow, former Yankee announcer and Hall of Fame Shortstop, Phil Rizzuto begins to describe, in detail, the action on a radio broadcast, employing a crude, thinly layered, baseball metaphor.

- The guy pleads for the right to thoroughly consider any long-term proposal. He is refused by the woman, who at this point begins to unravel, showing herself as an frantic, emotional, and needy person, who insists the guy make this pivotal decision now.

- Guilted, and driven by the desire not to have blue balls, and possibly by the pressure of an omni-present Rizzuto, the guy relents and promises his life to her.

- They fuck.

- Years later, lamenting his decision the guy and girl pray for the rapture.

Here it is again, simplified even further.

- A guy is trying to fuck a girl.

- She guilts him into proposing.

- Phil Rizzuto gets involved.

- The guy caves and they fuck.

- Guy keeps his promise, they both pray for the sweet release of death.

What life had to offer this couple, we’ll never know. Together they spend a lifetime thinking of what could have been- a sad sentence to face and one I face for 8:29 every time I hear some a-hole play this thing in a bar, or sing it in karaoke.

It’s time to throw this song onto history’s trash heap, so we can all move on with our lives. Celebrate love, freedom and hope- things not celebrated in this song. Please, don’t play it ever again, and if you’re in doubt at a CD jukebox, get the Led out, everyone will appreciate it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What Sucks…The Canadian Flag


Much has been said about Canada and all but, a leaf? Come on!

Jeez, I mean really- this is what you carry into battle? How intimidating...a LEAF! Whoa, I'm so scared! What was going on here- "Hey, our police wear these silly red Mountie uniforms, why not just put a leaf on our flag? Cool? Okay, let's go listen to Rush."

Hard to believe 1/2 the country is dominated by the French.

What was the runner up choice?

What Sucks…I’m worried about Momma


She’s getting old and I think she’s showing signs of Alzheimer’s but her son Francis is so immature and irresponsible, I don’t think he understands what’s happening.

The above is a “Momma” from last summer.

And here’s one from last December…



And here’s one from February- it’s getting worse.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

What Sucks...Fergie, Maxim: Big-Ass Liars


I read. I may be on the toilet and all, but its reading and until I'm rich enough to buy a flatscreen for my bathroom, I'm gonna continue to read. The question is, can I TRUST what I'm reading?

Maxim wants me to believe Fergie looks like this...



Honestly, would you be able to pick the woman above, out of a line up of this? (Click to enlarge if you like).

Monday, March 26, 2007

What Sucks...Picklephobia!


I’m no shrink and I certainly don’t want to be overly vulgar, but someone doesn’t react this way to a pickle without at one time, having been forced to have one in her.

Shame on Maury for exploiting her fear and having her try to confront her behavior on his show. Did he not notice all the clear signs of "pickle abuse"? For instance, look at the way she freaks out when she sees the pickle- and then of course is...the way she freaks out about the pickle.

What Sucks…The What Sucks Mailbag: What You Think Sucks!


For the 1st time ever, I’m opening the What Sucks mailbag- where you tell me what YOU think sucks!

Have a suggestion as to what sucks? Email me at WHATSUCKSBLOG@gmail.com and, unless you really weird me out, YOU will get the chance to tell the world what you think sucks…

Please leave a name or your initials, where you’re from, and, if you want, a link for me to plug. If you fail to leave a link, or do not have one, one will be provided.

Our first email:
What Sucks…People Who Use The Term “Rockstar”


Ben from NYC says:

...I have a suggestion for what sucks. People who use the term "rockstar," especially in conjunction with a job listing. As in: "We are looking for a rock star to join our account management team." No, you are not looking for a rock star. You don't want a member of your management team to be gooned on heroin and poking underage girls. You want a factory-wrapped douche in a suit who doesn't mind neglecting his family and spending long hours wasting time on the internet while you fart around planning a mandatory after-work drinks session that nobody really wants to attend.

"Rock star" is the new "Too much information" and that sucks, but hard.


ED’s NOTE: True- and let me add this- other uses of the term “You’re a rock star.” usually eminate from doing something for someone, who's usually in a position of power, that is not in your job description. So, no- me going to pick out a gift for your friend who's wedding is coming this weekend, or me going downstairs to get your food does NOT make me “a Rockstar”, a "rockstar" would throw a bottle of Jack Daniels at your head if you asked him to get your laundry. It just makes you an a-hole for asking me, and me an a-hole for not having boundaries!

Email #2:
What Sucks…The George Michael Sports Machine!



Ted in LA says:

...What about a parting shot at George Michael and his totally-sucky "Sports Machine" which goes off the air Sunday.

…It's not a "machine," you douche, it's a "reel-to-reel tape recorder"...if you want to impress me, it has to be at least as futuristic as "Tron" (I'm easily impressed). And why is this machine obsessed with baseball managers getting all up in the ump's grill? (or diving catches by George Brett). {Michael is} just cuing up a tape! The real question: what evil "toupee machine" shat out whatever lies atop George Michael’s head? And what's with the cheesy synth-drum porn music? I'm always afraid the Washington Capitals highlights are going to end with a slo-mo cumshot...forcing me, for once, to actually care about hockey….

And is windsurfing and/or wrestling really a "sport"? Don't they belong in the "Hobby Machine" that resides with the lifestyle reporter down the hallway?

ED’s NOTE: Well said, and yes, while you are a little angry at George Michael, the Sports Machine has long sucked and has long appeared extremely low tech. Michael’s been skating on the bullshit for 27 years! 27 YEARS! And just because you may be above making a joke about the OTHER George Michael, doesn't mean I am- so let me point out that he has a Sports Machine too, but his just sucks your dick in a park.

The OTHER George Michael's Sports Machine.

Friday, March 23, 2007

What Sucks… Grey’s Anatomy, Specifically George


Just a quick disclaimer here- once again, it’s not exactly my call that this show is on in my household but my wife likes it so we watch it- what can I say, I’m not the Taliban. Having said that, ahem, SPOILER ALERT!

Here’s a question, why call this show "Grey’s Anatomy" when it should so clearly be called the “GEORGE MCNALLY PITY-FUCK HOUR"?!

Holy crap, lightening has struck twice. If you watched last night (because your wife loves this show about sex addicts who are posing as doctors) George once again has sex with a girl way out of his league, and of course, falls apart because of it the next day. That guy is the beneficiary of more “drunk friend tail” (a technical term) than any man on earth- he’s a borderline predator.

As mentioned above, the next day George realizes that by again sleeping with a hot chick totally out of his league, he has once again ruined his life. I believe this idea was conveyed in a very stirring monologue by George at the top of act 3.

GEORGE:
(CRYING)
Oh, I can’t believe I had sex with the super-hot Izzy and cheated on my wife, an Amazon I married in a clear grief driven decision 24 hours after my father died, who also does the commercials for the Dove’s Real Women campaign. I can’t believe this happened, I’m so sad. I mean it was bad enough I had sex with the super-distraught, out of my league, Meredith last year, but Izzy? A model? Oh G-d, why have you forsaken me!?!!!!

Who’s left for George to sleep with? The entire cast hates McSteamy (not Irish) because he sleeps around but George has had sex with everyone except Bailey (let's be serious) and Addison (busy banging up a storm herself) and it's okay? Hypocrites! At least McSteamy is honest!

And YES! Yes, I am humiliated by how much I know about this show.


F'd a hot chick, huh? Tough break, I know. Hang in there.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

What Sucks...American Idol


I used to think this whole Sanjaya thing was about a group of Americans ironically voting for a guy who sucks in order to take the piss out of a TV show. But last night Sanjaya, the douchebag who’s performance of "You Really Got Me” the other night would have gotten him voted off “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Idol”, didn’t even finish in the bottom three.

That means that people out there are actually voting for him. There is no way there’s that many ironic people in the US in on this joke to get this guy the votes he would need to escape the bottom three. People are actually voting for him, non-ironically.

Sad.

So that, combined with live performances from Peter Noone and Lulu- (WTF? Mohegan Sun gets better bookings) made last night’s American Idol the worst episode of this season.

On top of the skeleton’s performing we also lose another good-looking girl, all so you can yuck it up about Sanjaya making it onto the national tour team. Hey America, you suck at voting- when you start playing the ironic voting games, make sure to kick a guy off the show that night, not the last remaining good looking girl!

Yeah, Sayjaya’s still there, hilarious, we’ve lost the internet whore Antonella*, Alaina, Stephanie Edwards (who could actually sing) and Sabrina Sloan (who could also sing).

You people out there wanting so much to not make this a singing competition are leaving us with Melinda, LaKeisha, Jordin and Gina- YOU’RE MAKING IT A SINGING COMPETITION!

Finally, what the hell am I doing? This is not an American Idol blog, I should be ashamed.


The Departed.


* WHAT SUCKS BONUS ENTRY

What Sucks…That Whole Antonella Barba Fake/ Real Photo Thing



I love how some of the raunchier photos were said to be fake- and then everyone is just like “Oh, okay.” and drops it.

Like all of a sudden it’s NOT a story that some OTHER girl would make her self up like Antonella Barba, a reality show contestant, and be photographed taking a dick into her mouth. No one asked any questions- like who is the fake Antonella? And why would anyone dress up as a reality show contestant, put a dick in her mouth and be photographed with the intent to have the picture distributed on the net? All to bring down someone who is a contestant on American Idol?

What was that all about? Worst thought out get-rich quick scheme ever.

That doesn’t seem messed up to anyone? Seymour Hirsch can’t uncover everything people, let’s get on the ball out there!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

What Sucks…The Girl Crying On American Idol Last Night


WTF?

Good Lord, that was creepy. What the hell was going on there? What the hell was wrong with that kid?

I have to admit, I’m a little bit thrown and at a loss. There I was, enjoying Haley’s awkward “My only shot is to give Simon wood” Coming Out party, and all of a sudden we cut to this girl crying hysterically in the audience.

That was troubling. Seriously, I am bothered. What is she crying like that for? The music? Was it like a “I’m so into this music I have to cry” thing? Should anyone be crying over American Idol music like that? Where were her parents? I don’t care if you’re a kid, you should be told not to cry like that over shitty music coming from the guy on Idol everyone votes for ironically. This girl may have ruined this show for me.

Even Ryan was thrown- he stops the show and asks her if she is okay. He was right- I thought by the look on her face she had been stabbed. You’re telling me they were tears of joy? Weird and creepy.

You know, now that I think about it, I have to say, kids have really been dicks lately. They suck. And when a kid sucks, I have to call it out. There is no solace for kids on this blog. As a matter of fact, let’s count them down in the the 1st ever, “What-Sucks Top 3 A-hole Kids in the World” countdown…

#3...

That 12 year-old numb nuts who wandered away from his campsite because he “didn’t want to go camping anymore” and tried to hitch hike home. 3 days and a massive manhunt later, he’s found. Hey kid- you almost died- its not like your 6 or something- you’re 12. Get your shit together. You upset an entire community and embarrassed the shit out of your dad.

#2...


This winner, from Florida (surprise) who broke into someone’s house because she was "bored". The owner of the house catches her and ends up kicking her ass before realizing that under her ski-mask, it was a girl. Hey kid, you’re one of the few 17 year old girls in Florida not on Meth, and you’re breaking into homes because you’re bored? If you’re bored, do Meth!

And the #1 A-hole kid:


I don’t know if I can forgive this girl. I need an explanation- I mean #3 was in the Boy Scouts, so he may have been trying to get away from one of the many pedophiles who work as Scout Masters in that “anti-gay” organization, which only makes the news when they are discriminating against gay kids or one of their scout masters is arrested.

#2 lives in Florida, so you know, enough said.

But Ashley, she just seems like she’s really into American Idol. That may not be good enough for me.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What Sucks: Things That Suck About Lost V. 3: Jack Playing Catch With An 'Other'


Yeah, so I’m now waiting almost a week to watch the most recent episode of Lost on DVR, not a good sign for a show that in the past I couldn’t wait to see. It’s no secret that the show is going downhill in season 3- you might even say it’s the writers who are the “lost”. (Ha! Feel free to use that one, every journalist who writes an article on Lost next year!)

That being said, SPOILER ALERT, the latest example of suckiness creeping into the show is last week’s ending. It ended with a shocking finish, an undeniably horrifying and disturbing image that will forever be etched on my brain: Jack having a catch.

That’s your big mind fuck? For a show that prides itself on crazy, out of nowhere twists and turns (Hurly finds a car, the Other’s have a fully equipped operating room, a polar bear mauls Mr. Eko), I’m supposed to have nightmares because Jack tossing around a football with an ‘Other’?

Who gives a shit? There’s a freaking smoke monster out there.

We just learned Jack and Claire are ½ siblings, Kate, Sayid and Locke killed a guy to get to where the Other’s live, and the island is trying to off Charlie like he’s the President of Pakistan, and whoa, I have to watch next week because Jack “went long”?

Get in there and save him. Don’t give me that close up of Kate’s horrified face as she looks to Sayid and Locke confused and frightened- the guy didn’t give up any information to the enemy- he ran a slant.

Monday, March 19, 2007

What Sucks…Attorney General Alberto Gonzales


Way to go from America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to America’s 1st CORRUPT Latino Attorney General. Now perhaps you’ll be the 1st Latino Attorney General to resign in disgrace, or 1st Latino Attorney General to be shit-canned.

But, there is still so much ground to break. If what you did is in any way illegal, you could be America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to be disbarred, or worse, you could be America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to go to jail, and then, subsequently, America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to be traded to someone for a pack of cigarettes. You could also be America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to get a crudely drawn, homemade tattoo on your ass (like the guy from Oz- not the Boy From Oz, that’s Hugh Jackman).

After you get out, you could be America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to become a greeter at a casino, or if you’re not disbarred, America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to get a job at Jacoby & Myers.

You’ve already been America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to call the Geneva Convention “quaint”, and America’s 1st Latino Attorney General to let Dick Cheney keep his “energy taskforce” a secret.

In the “Guys Who Work For George Bush/ Biggest A-hole in America Poker Game”, we have a new player- Alberto Gonzales just stared across the table from Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and raised the ante big time.

Friday, March 16, 2007

What Sucks...Overheard In Baghdad


Class Clown…
Student at Madrasah: Homework on a Friday? Let me guess- memorize the Qur'an.
Teacher at Madrasah: For everyone else memorize the Qur'an- for YOU, Mr. Wiseguy, memorize and COPY!
Student #1: Aw, man!

overheard by: StraightA's

Squash the Squash…
Secular Man Selling Vegetables: Can I help you?
Religious Extremist; These vegetables you are selling- they are against our Sharia Law. Remove them at once!
Man Selling Vegetables: What are you talking about? This is a squash?
Religious Extremist (TO MEN HE IS WITH): Kill him with a drill.
Man Selling Vegetables: All right, forget the vegetables!

overheard by: BobGanoosh

There IS good news…
Neighbor #1: Hey, did you hear about that school the Americans opened up?
Neighbor #2: No, where is it?
Neighbor #1: Half a mile down the road, make a left at the 5th car on fire and its right there next to the mass grave.

overheard by: Hookaman

How ‘bout a house call?
Man Bleeding On Street: Ahh! I took some serious shrapnel from that car bomb! Get me a doctor!
Bystander: I will try, but hospitals are at their limit and most of our doctors have moved away!

overheard by: Chala-lie

If You Say They’re Mormon, I’m Mormon Too!
Sunni Man (AFTER ANSWERING HIS FRONT DOOR): What do you mean, “Am I Sunni or Shi’a?” Which are you?
Shi’a Man, Leading Pack of Men Going House To House: I am Shi’a. And so are these 10 men behind me.
Sunni Man: (LAUGHS) Oh, ha, ha- yes, I am Shi’a too.

overheard by: Neighborhoodwatched

Overheard in New York

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper


With the lead singer of Boston, comedian Richard Jeni, and now former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn- the reaper is on a serious obscure kick.

Former Reagan Supreme Court Nominee Douglas H. Ginsburg, who withdrew from consideration because it was revealed he smoked weed...


...better watch out. (That goes for you too, bassist from A-ha!)

What Sucks…Shows That Involve Ghosts In Solving Crimes


As we move onto our 4th show now that uses a ghosts and/or the undead to deal with crime (Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Nancy Grace: Closing Arguments) I think its important to say that there is no evidence that ghosts, spirits and/or visions give a shit about who breaks the law on our earthly plane.

As we move onto our 4th show now that uses Ghosts and/ or the undead to deal with crime (Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Nancy Grace: Closing Arguments), I think its important to say that there is no evidence whatsoever that ghosts, spirits and/or visions give a shit about who breaks the law on earth. So why all the shows?

None of them are remotely realistic, except maybe Ghost Whisperer, and that’s only because it’s at least plausible that a ghost might hang around and talk to a girl with huge cans. But other than that, I don’t see the reason.

Hey America- ghosts don’t care about crime and if they did, why would they talk to Jeff Goldblum? Before you start getting better TV shows, you have to start acting like you deserve better TV shows!

Raines, starring Jeff Goldblum, debuts tonight at 10 PM EST, on NBC!


Sees Dead Pervs.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What Sucks…MSNBC & Dog Sperm Banks: Perv Watch V.9


Dog sperm banks? Nice try, pervs. As if dogs need any encouragement to hump something. Sexually speaking, they are disgusting, horny animals, with red "things", and anyone who looking to set up a service in which their sperm is “harvested”, “frozen” and “stored”, spends way too much time thinking about dog spooge.

By the way, if you can’t get your dog to mate during his lifetime, there’s something wrong with your dog and perhaps he shouldn’t procreate. It's a well known fact dogs are so apt to "doing it" that if you DON’T get your dog neutered, you are looked down upon as a bad dog owner. These are animals who after getting their "wee-wees" snipped, will still go to town on a leg for hours if not beaten away.

There is no need for dog sperm banks, much less the cottage industry of pervs depicted in this disturbing article.

If you are unfortunate enough to lose your dog and want to get another, check out any dog shelter that has about 75 extra pooches that were sired by dogs outside of a Petri dish, and stop dealing with, touching and thinking about doggie sperm, you pervs.

What Sucks...Duke


That's right, kicked out of the NCAA Tourney by VCU (Virgina Commonwelth University- alma mater if I am not mistaken of former Knick great Charles Oakley)this year it can be said and meant- Duke sucks!

Also, I suck- I don't know how to fill out these grids. I don't know how this happened but I ended up with UCLA and Maryland in one bracket, and in the other, Texas Vs. character actor James Garner.

Garner loses to Maryland in the finals. I like to pick the dogs.

Seriously:
-Florida
-Kansas
-G-Town
-Ohio St

Florida repeats, beating the Hoyas.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

What Sucks…Bush


I feel a little powerless when it comes to expressing just how I feel about our President. I’m not sure if it’s frustration getting the best of me, or my reaction to just being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of damage done on his watch. The incompetence, the misleading, the lack of accountability- I look for the words to articulate my pain but sadly, cannot find them. Thusly, I am reduced to this…

I wish the movie "Dave" would happen.


Could it happen?

I’m not proud of being unable to explain this in a more inspiring way. I wish I had the eloquence to express my thoughts that would leave my readers stirred- but after some soul searching, I’m not sure I can.

So I wish there was someone who looked exactly like President Bush. I wish this person was called on to pose as Bush one night after Bush made a speech at a hotel. I wish as this person was posing as Bush, leaving the hotel, Bush kind of got tied up in something. In the movie, the guy has a stroke, it doesn’t have to be that, and I don’t want to end up on an FBI list, but this guy posing as Bush HAS to take over. And when he does, and the bad guys, in this case Cheney and Rove, will try to control him, but this new Bush outsmarts them and starts to do the RIGHT thing. He pulls a coin out of some veteran’s ear and FIXES the hospital- hell, he takes care of the hurricane survivors and begins to un-screw us from Iraq.

And sure, there can be a funny part where he wins over the secret service guy assigned to him, and even where he tricks Laura Bush into not noticing that he’s not the real Bush. They can even do that scene where Bush is in the shower, and Laura talks to him and then looks at his thing. If she’s allowed to do that. They can even fall in love! Maybe along the way he explains to her that not exploring stem cell research because it may give “false hope” to those suffering from disease is an ass-backward reason not to explore stem cells.

And yes, he can fire Cheney, just like the way the Dave guy fires the Bob Alexander played by Frank Langella. Then, at the end, he can fake his own death, hands the presidency over to the next in line, I believe it would be Ben Kingsley, and we as a country remember President George Bush the way he wants to be remembered- as a cool president. Before you know it, there’s a new election, we get a new President and everything shifts back towards normal-ville.

Then, Laura Bush, still in love with the Bush look-a-like, makes out with him and no one seems to mind she’s making out with a guy who looks exactly like her old husband.

What Sucks...Van Halen


You’re being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the best you can do is have Sammy Hagar and the guy with the JD Bass show up?

Where’s Eddie? Where’s Diamond Dave? Where’s Alex? It’s easier to get Israel and the PLO in the same room.

I thought after you tried to hire the guy from Extreme as your lead singer you couldn’t be a bigger bunch of dicks. I was wrong.

Last night Van Halen was kind of inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Not that you’d know if you were there. The lineup they were able to produce featured…

- Sammy Hagar (no longer in band)
- Michael Anthony (no longer in band)
- Paul Schaffer (never in band)
- A bunch of dudes from Velvet Revolver. (in Velvet Revolver)

That's it.

Only one person who appeared in the Hot For Teacher video? That’s weak.

And now your reunion tour is cancelled? Guess what? Like ANY of us thought you’d show up in the first place. Axl Rose is looking at you a-holes and shaking his head. Get your shit together.


What did this homeless man do with Eddie Van Halen?

Monday, March 12, 2007

What Sucks…Bathrooms In Airports


Is there a reason why every time I walk into one of these things there’s always some dude at the sink in the middle of a manual bath? Shower at home!

Yeah, I don’t belong to one of those airline clubs where you wait in that special area, away from the masses and use their what I assume are immaculate bathrooms- but then again, is it asking too much to do “wee-wee” without being exposed to e-coli? It’s like a germ Epcot Center in there- I’ve personally seen people flying into Calcutta avoid the restrooms at LaGuardia saying they’ll just hold it in till they get home.

And it’s not just the fault of the people who work at the airport. I think we can all make a better effort to make the place less of a Bacteria Woodstock. Like for example, without getting too graphic, aim AWAY from anything resembling a floor or a seat. Also, let’s remove any nesting materials you may have built after you’ve used the bathroom- the next guy certainly is not going to touch them, and it only becomes a matter of time before every stall has some sort of disgusting paper mache sculpture in there.

And as far as the airport staff goes, yeah- how ‘bout having someone clean the place? It’s an airport- I’m sure there’s a Hazmat suit laying around somewhere.

Friday, March 09, 2007

What Sucks...America, At Voting


Hey America, get your head out of your ass! This guy sucks. Have you all gone collectively ironic on me? Well, your funny joke has cost us all Sundance Head. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

And while we're at it, nice job selecting Haley over Sabrina. Sabrina couldn't have been more robbed had she been in Las Vegas for NBA All-Star weekend. Yeah, nice call America, you certainly don't want to reward a girl who looks like this...



For someone who sings weird-ass songs about her heart sprouting wings and flying away, or whatever the hell she was saying. Simon said he didn't even know her name- and he's making millions of dollars expoliting her!

Maybe its time to admit that as a country, we're just not good at voting. Seriously, when was the last time you were happy after a vote?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

What Sucks…Head Cheese



The very definition of nasty, head cheese is…well…it’s…oh, I’ll just let you read for yourself from Foodreference.com



Nasty, nasty, nasty.

Some questions that pop in the mind as you consider head cheese…

In what sunless hellhole is this thing made, prepared and eaten?

Who on earth do you hate enough to serve this to?

If you puked it up, would it look any different?

What does this do to your insides?


Headcheese or plastic novelty puke? For answer scroll down...





Answer- head cheese!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

What Sucks…People Who See The Virgin Mary In Pizza Pans, Danishes, Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, Etc.


Ah, that is not Mary, the Mother of Jesus appearing on your shower curtain. It is some sort of stain caused by water drying in a certain pattern, and you really should be squeegeeing it to prevent mold.

More importantly, why would the Mother of Jesus appear on a shower curtain? Yours, nonetheless?

The only reason I can think of is because She wants you to tell the guy at "Moron Cafe", located on "Too Many People On The Earth Avenue", that She is NOT appearing on his doughnut.

Why do people think that the woman who gave birth to He who defeated sin, can only appear in stains?



Look at these wackos who took off work to set up and go see the "cookie sheet shrine". They should be fired. You cannot bake Mary. Nor, can you find her on the bottom of a turtle...



What are you looking for on the bottom of the turtle in the first place, perv?

The list goes on and on. Mary is a piece of ice in a freezer…



Or in a glass of chocolate milk…



Why would an omniscient, all powerful God, who made the earth- not be able to find a better way for the Mother of his only Son to get some face time with you than to have her appear in a cheese sandwich?

So stop it. I'm sick of seeing these stupid reports at the end of my local newscast or in the "weird news" section of my paper. Give some other psychos a chance! There may be some young kid out there wearing a suit entirely made up of chicken parmesan, and he's not getting on TV, because some nutbag thinks he see Jesus' Mom in a used coffee filter. Mary is not on your Danish! She is however, in this early photograph of Metallica.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

What Sucks…Autoerotic Asphyxiation


Easily the most awkward way to die. I mean what could possibly be worse? Dying with your dick in a cat? Not even close. I'm sorry, dead, with a plastic bag over your head, and your privates in your hand is no way to go out.

And I know that everyone has to go one way or the other- but there is just no way someone is meant to go like this. There are freaky ways to die, sure- eaten by a shark, killed by a man o' war- but the Guy Upstairs can't have this laid out for anyone- I don't care how mysteriously he works.

What a tidal wave of embarrassment, seriously. From your need to do it, to the poor bastard who discovers your body, to the policeman who has to make out the report, to the coroner who has to remove your body from the scene.

Think about your wake and funeral- they'll be more eye contact on the subway than at this thing. And how bout the relatives you have to face in the afterlife. Don't have this conversation after you go into the light!

YOUR GRANDMOTHER:
Frank?

YOU:
Grandma?

YOUR GRANDMOTHER:
So regular cumming's not good enough for you...

Your What-Sucks Autoerotic Asphyxiation Little Known Fact of the Day: It’s only “AUTO” erotic asphyxiation if you’re alone- otherwise it’s just “erotic asphyxiation”, which means, you CAN do this in a safe manner, with a spotter as it were, making all autoerotic asphyxiations deaths a little sadder, as they all could have been avoided.