Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What Sucks…Long Burial Waits: The New Black


Who will win? Which family can keep the corpse of a famous person above ground longest? Right now James Brown’s people are in the lead- but Anna Nicole Smith’s handlers are making a miracle run!

Here are the standings…



Clearly James Brown (hardest working corpse) has what one would think is an insurmountable lead, but with Anna Nicole’s mom and that wacky judge and the fact that the whole court case is taking place in Florida, you never know.

My money is on JB, but if Lohan kicks it “will-less” this Spring, all bets are off!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

What Sucks...Ernie Hudson


How can an actor have appeared in so many movies, and be so inconsequential in all of them? (Don’t give me Ghostbusters! “That’s a big Twinkie.” Was the only thing he contributed!)

133 listings on IMDB as an actor. Name 3 of them.

Are there any films where Ernie Hudson appears on the poster? He was in Cop Rock for Christ sakes. And something called “Shark Attack”. Only a well balanced diet is keeping him from Celebrity Fit Club.

How does he get work? How does it work in Hollywood when you need an African American who can play early to late 50’s?

DIRECTOR: Hey, can we get Denzel?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Morgan Freeman?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Laurence Fishbourne?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Terrence Howard?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Forrest Whitaker?
AGENT: Forget it.
DIRECTOR: Samuel L. Jackson?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Danny Glover?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Dennis Haysbert
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Don Cheadle?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: The Rock?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Andre Braugher?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Yaffet Kotto?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Bill Duke?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Charles S. Dutton?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Danny Glover?
AGENT: You asked for that before.
DIRECTOR: The Guy Who Plays The Chief in Grey’s Anatomy?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Robert Guillaume
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Levar Burton?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Mr. Eko?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Dule Hill?
AGENT: No.

30 MINUTES LATER

DIRECTOR: Keith David?
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Carl Weathers?
AGENT: The guy who played Apollo Creed?
DIRECTOR: Yeah.
AGENT: No.
DIRECTOR: Really?
AGENT: No. (OPTIMISTIC) I have Ernie Hudson.
DIRECTOR: John Amos?
AGENT: I have Ernie Hudson.
DIRECTOR: Sigh.

What Sucks…Nickelback



Americans have purchased over 13.5 million Nickelback albums. They are millionaires many times over. They probably own yachts.

Please click on the link above to enjoy a song they wrote about looking through their “photo albums”. It’s a groundbreaking song I suppose. It’s the first song to talk about men having photo albums or at least the 1st song about men having the courage to talk about their photo albums.

But its cool that these guys and the families they raise will never have to worry about money ever again, in the same way I guess its cool that Charlie Parker died strung out and penniless in some New York City hotel.

Way to go, America.

Monday, February 26, 2007

What Sucks...Crash


The Academy may have gotten it right this year with The Departed, but that doesn't mean all is forgiven for last year’s choice of Crash. Looking back, man, did that movie totally suck. What a piece of crap and, let’s face it, if there’s one thing this blog stands for, it’s the principle that it’s never too late to shit on something, so...

…Crash blew. Not only was it not worthy of being called Best Picture, it’s not worthy of being called best picture called “Crash”. (For that see David Cronenberg's 1996 film about car crashing pervs.)

Capote, Good Night Good Luck, Walk The Line, Brokeback Mountain, Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo- all better than Crash.

Let’s be honest, for a film hailed for how it dealt with race, there are better drawn minority characters on "What About Brian".

Here are some things you’d have to overlook to be “okay” with Crash…

…a cop would be SO racist that he would ever pull over a couple and molest a woman while her husband and his partner stood nearby. This much-heralded scene would have been more believable had it been set on Mars. What cop would do that? I’m not saying there isn’t abuse from police when they pull someone over who is African American in Los Angeles- but a molestation? Don't you think they'd wait till they got back to the station house for that? And as for Thandie Newton’s character…who the hell talks to a cop that way? Hand him your license and registration and begin feigning innocence.

…MULTIPLE scenes of Matt Dillon’s dad sitting down to pee. Hey, I get it the 1st time, the guy has a bladder infection- buy him some cranberry juice and get your camera out of his bathroom. Oh and yeah, I’m sure the dad was real progressive when it came to race to have Matt Dillon as a son- maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree unless the apple has to constantly help the tree to pee sitting down.

…A character of middle eastern descent, who owns a connivance store- (nuanced, Paul Haggis)- who all he owns in his life is his store, LEAVING THE STORE UNLOCKED OVERNIGHT! I don’t care if you can’t understand your locksmith- when you leave, youtry and lock your door, realize you can’t then you sleep in the store that night! Your door is broken- don’t leave- and if you do, don’t be upset the next day when you’re broken into and vandalized.

…Danza. No wait, a RACIST Danza.

…a magic bullet/ invisible cloak. Yeah, of course the man of middle eastern descent shows up to the locksmith’s house and shoots his daughter…and of course she lives because of a magic, bulletproof, invisible cloak.

…that Ryan Phillippe a) picks up a hitch hiker, b) shoots the hitch hiker when he reaches into his pocket, c) burns his car and gets off scot-free. This happens late in the film, so you have already seen so much unbelievable shit, you’re like “whatever.” I can’t believe “he kills him for reaching into his pocket” appears in an Oscar winning film’s screenplay.

…IT SNOWS IN LA! I called the American Weather Service and they told me the only time it has ever snowed in Los Angeles was when a hack writer needed to employ a freshman year film school “cleansing” metaphor.

I could go on- I’m leaving out the Chinese slave family in the back of the van with Ludacris, the entire Sandy Bullock character arc and the whole Don Cheadle’s mom blaming Don Cheadle for being a bad son, when she clearly has her head up her ass a mom.

Racism? Better than Crash.

What Sucks...This Dress


Oh my g-d, what was she thinking? No WONDER she didn't win! Good lord, if her parents put her in that someone has to call child services!

I see a whole bunch of fashion "don'ts"- like don't leave the house wearing that piece of garbage.

That dress is so bad John Mark Karr flipped the channel when she came on to do "Best Animated Short".

BOOOOOOOO!!!!


Hey, who Ms. Ugly up there with Will Smith's charming son?

Friday, February 23, 2007

What Sucks...KFC


Colonel’s secret revealed- and its gross.


Of those 11 herbs and spices they keep so secret, could one of them be, perhaps, oh I don’t know…cheese?

Check out the video here and tell me that if this was animated how it wouldn't be the cutest thing you've seen all year. Why are cartoon mice okay but the real thing despised? Love all mice and rats, or hate all mice or rats- we're such hypocrites.

In all fairness, the place in question is a combo KFC AND Taco Bell, which makes it the Mecca for rats. Basically every rat you see in the subway are on their way to a combo KFC and Taco Bell.

What Sucks...The 1/2 Hour News Hour


I take back everything I ever said about this show. It's hilarious. Everything from the fake ACLU commercial that rails against privacy rights to the Ed Begley Jr. runner- daring and ballsack visionary.

(Sorry, I had to put the word "ballsack" in there in case someone tried to pull the terms "daring and visionary" out for some kind of review.)

By the way, the hostess has an amazing pantsuit going on there. (That you can take out.)

Thursday, February 22, 2007

What Sucks…The Urban Myth Surrounding Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”


Let me get this straight…

So Phil Collins is walking around one night and happens to see some guy drowning- and another guy watching him drown, and does nothing. Then, some time later- we don’t know how long- arranges to have the guy who watched the other guy drown, come to one of his concerts and sit in the front row, only to sing this song for him, hit him with a spotlight, and have the police take him away.

No way. I’m having trouble even picturing it. Here’s what it must have looked like.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO HARBOR. NIGHT.

ERIC, A MAN IS STANDING ON THE DOCKS, IS SMOKING A CIGARETTE, LOOKING OUT INTO THE BAY. HE IS WATCHING A MAN IN THE WATER, STRUGGLING TO STAY AFLOAT.

MAN IN WATER:
…Seriously, dude. I’m getting very tired here. The water is cold…

ERIC DOES NOT RESPOND.

MAN IN WATER:
…Dude! You’re looking right at me! Come on now!

FROM THE DISTANCE WE SEE A MAN WALKING UP THE BLOCK. WE CUT TO HIM TO REVEAL IT IS A YOUNG PHIL COLLINS.

PHIL:
(TO HIMSELF)
What’s going on up there? That guy okay?

WE SEE FROM PHIL’S POINT OF VIEW THAT HE IS ABOUT 100 YARDS FROM THE DOCK. HE SEES ERIC AND THE MAN IN THE WATER.

PHIL COLLINS:
What is that man on the dock waiting for?

CUT BACK TO ERIC.

MAN IN WATER:
Okay, in the interest of being very clear here, I need help sir. My arms are getting very tired.

ERIC DOES NOTHING.

MAN IN WATER:
I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation…

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
Damn it, what is happening?

MAN IN WATER:
Are you mistaking me for someone who may have done you wrong in the past? Please, sir, what is it? Why won’t you help me?

CUT BACK TO PHIL

PHIL:
That guy in the water definitely needs help. What is going on?

CUT BACK TO THE DOCK

MAN IN WATER:
Well, I certainly hope you can live with yourself.

THE MAN IN THE WATER BREATHES FOR THE LAST TIME AND GOES UNDER. HIS HAND SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE WATER AS ERIC WATCHES.

CUT BACK TO PHIL COMING UP THE BLOCK

PHIL:
Holy shit! What the fuck?!! (YELLING TO THE GUY) Hey! What the hell man? Why didn’t you do anything?

ERIC TURNS AND RECOGNIZES PHIL COLLINS.

ERIC:
Phil Collins? You are the best! I love like everything you do. Genesis is awesome- fuck Peter Gabriel and that weird make-up, you’re the man. I can’t wait to see Buster.

PHIL:
Really? (SCRATCHING CHIN) Hey, how’d you like a front row seat to my next show.

ERIC:
You’re kidding me? No way!

PHIL:
Here you go buddy.

PHIL HANDS ERIC TICKETS.

CUT TO: INT. THE FILMORE. NIGHT.

WE SEE THE SECOND ROW, ERIC IS THERE- HE IS DANCING TO PHIL COLLINS’ VERSION OF “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE”

ERIC:
Whoo! Yeah! Play Easy Lover! Yeah!

PHIL FINISHES “YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE” WITH A FLOURISH. HE THEN ADDRESSES THE CROWD.

PHIL:
Here’s something I’ve been saving for a special occasion…

CUT TO ERIC IN THE 2ND ROW.

ERIC:
Billy Don’t Lose That Number! Yeah!

PHIL:
This one goes out to a very special friend I have out in the audience tonight!

ERIC:
A groovy kind of love! Yes!

THE LIGHTS DIM. PHIL WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE. WE HEAR THE BEGINNING OF “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”.

ERIC:
What the hell is this?

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE.

PHIL:
(SINGING)
I can see it…coming in the air tonight…hold on…

CUT TO ERIC.

MAN ON DOCK:
(TO HIMSELF)
Little bit of a downer. (TO THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM) I hate it when they do new stuff.

ERIC GETS HIT WITH A SPOTLIGHT. HE IS BLINDED.

ERIC (CONT.):
Whoa! (SHIELDING HIS EYES) What the hell is going on?

PHIL:
Well, if you told me you were drowning
…I would not lend a hand. 
I've seen your face before my friend
…But I don't know if you know who I am
…

ERIC:
Oh shit. Phil, no- wait, we’re friends!

PHIL:
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
…I saw it with my own two eyes…
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
…It's all been a pack of lies
!

ERIC:
Phil! No! Wait, the tickets- they were just a…who are these cops?

20 POLICEMEN ENTER. THEY GRAB THE MAN ON DOCK BY THE ARMS. HE STRUGGLES. THE CROWD LOOKS DOWN ON HIM, DISAPPROVINGLY. THE WOMAN NEXT TO HIM, IN FULL 80’S GARB, SHOUTS.

WOMAN:
You should have helped that guy who was drowning.

ERIC:
Phil’s the guy who needs help- this is pretty passive aggressive.

CUT TO PHIL ON STAGE AS THEY TAKE ERIC AWAY.

PHIL:
…
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh Lord! 
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord! 
And I've been waiting for this moment ALL MY LIFE! OH LORD!

ERIC:
All your life? This just happened! What are you talking about! Did I even commit a crime?

THE POLICE PULL THE MAN ON THE DOCK OUT OF THE ARENA. WE CUT TO HIM AT THE CAR.

ERIC:
Play One More Night!

COP:
Like you gave that guy who was drowning “one more night”?

THE COP THEN PUSHES ERIC INTO THE POLICE CAR AND THEY DRIVE AWAY.

SCENE.

I don’t know, maybe it did go down like that. In the movie Jeffery Tambor plays Phil and Tim Robbins is Eric, even though Eric is a much younger man than Tim is now.

What Sucks...Pizza Parties


I’m not missing anything here, am I? You’re just sitting around with a few people and eating pizza, right? No one’s dancing, no one’s getting laid- nobody’s wife is making out with the hot new intern? Yeah, I’m not impressed.

I’ll remain unimpressed until someone can answer this question for me, when I went to a crowded pizzeria this afternoon for lunch, was I at a pizza party? Cause, what’s the difference. A radio? Seriously, a pizza party? Really? Cause I heard at the last one hot Kim from marketing took her top off. Yeah, it was great, Vonnegut was there- and Jack White showed up with Mick Jagger- holy shit I did so much coke.

Seriously were the people who were at the last pizza party you went to even your friends? Did you even like them or were were you just there for the pizza? I’ll let you in on a little secret- pizza is readily available- stop selling your soul for a lousy slice taken out of a crappy, damp cardboard box. I don't go to pizza parties anymore and yes, I hate myself less. I’m not a child anymore. I can afford my own pizza- I have better things to do and you should too.


LAME.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

What Sucks…Dancing With The Stars Except When...


…it comes to booking former professional athletes.

Yes, they are a true cheese-dick TV show with the worst in C-List celebs. The guy who played Elaine’s boss on Seinfeld. Stacy Keibler who just got a gig on "What About Brian", and Joseph Lawrence to name a few. But the guy (or girl) who books the former professional athletes needs to get a promotion. That person delivers nothing but absolute, living legend Hall of Famers.

Year one- Evander Holyfield. Okay, I’ll give you this one. Yes he was a great boxer, and a world champion, but maybe his booking was a fluke. Sure, okay- still he is a boxing legend for defeating Mike Tyson twice and his battles with Riddick Bowe.

Year two- Jerry Rice. Yes perhaps the best Wide Receiver of all time. Hall of Famer, no doubt.



Year three: Emmit Smith- who won the freaking thing just like he won 3 freaking Super Bowl rings and just like he is the all-time rushing yards leader. (Needed more carries and more years than Walter Payton- just saying.)



Now, as we enter year four- we have Clyde “The Glide” Drexler. A World Champion and certain Hall of Fame guard for the Portland Trailblazers and Houston Rockets. He was on the original Dream Team and is one of the 50 Greatest players in the NBA.

I’m not saying the guy (or girl) who books the athletes on Dancing With the Stars should book the whole show, but if they did, you might see some actual dancing, with some actual stars.

But no, seriously it’s okay. Good luck Joey Fatone and Billy Ray Cyrus.

What Sucks...Britney (again)


Did you see that bald head followed by a cloud of dust running away from your local rehab center? Britney's bailed again, just in time to launch herself into 1st place in the BCI Coaches "Biggest Train Wreck In America" Poll. You think she thinks you can literally check in and out of rehab, like does she know you're supposed to stay there?

By the way here are the standings...

1) BRITNEY SPEARS
2) ANNA NICOLE SMITH*
3) PARIS HILTON
4) ANNA NICOLE SMITH**
5) NICOLE RITCHIE (didn't she almost go to jail this week?)
6) LOHAN
7) PAULA ABDUL
8) TYRA BANKS
9) (tie) COURTNEY LOVE^/ COURTNEY LOVE^^
10) CHARACTER ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR

*denotes in death
**denotes in life
^denotes while on a drug binge
^^denotes while sober

What Sucks...James Buchanan


With President’s day fresh in our memories honoring George Washington and Abe Lincoln, let us remember that the vast majority of our Presidents have been a-holes, and perhaps no one more so than James Buchanan. (Except obviously, George W. Bush)

Reading over Buchanan’s bio it seems the nicest thing any historian can say about him was that he was the only unmarried President to sit in the White House. During his tenure we would see the Dred Scott decision passed, the rights of slave owners strengthened, the union break apart and us almost go to war with Utah.

And yes while he remained un-married, many at the time felt it was because a misunderstanding with his one time fiancée resulted in her suicide, so in retrospect, he could have been a shitty husband too. On top of this, he also lived with the equally unmarried Rufus Devane King, a Senator from Alabama, for 16 years so he may not have been able to get married under existing law.


Hey A-hole, way to do nothing to stop the Civil War.

Monday, February 19, 2007

What Sucks...Britney


Well, the wheels came off this weekend, but I guess its been over for a while.

Dropping babies, showing her privs, shaving her head- wasn't too long ago, Britney Spears was the answer to all our questions...



Now, she looks like a before/ after meth pictures, without all the fun of actually doing the meth. It's sad. At this point Christina Aquilera needs to find her a job at her restaurant like Rocky did for Spider in Rocky Balboa.

Friday, February 16, 2007

What Sucks...The 1/2 Hour News Hour V.2


Came across another clip of the Fox News ½ Hour News Hour thing again. Once again it blows beyond comprehension. Seriously, this makes Mama’s Family, which I hate, seem like high art.

I think this thing is actually debuting this weekend or something. Maybe not, I’m not sure.

After watching this clip, which features Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter as the Pres and VP respectively, I am struck by a few things.

First off, again, let me be clear, this REALLY sucks. It’s just beyond awful. Conservative, liberal or whatever- I’d rather watch a fucking Arli$ marathon while a pre-operation Al Roker jumped up and down on my balls. And in the interest of full disclosure, I have no problem telling you that I personally think Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are two of today’s leading scumbags. That being said, I think it will be interesting to see how this is reviewed and received.

Will reviewers, if it is reviewed, be able to come out and call this show on being poorly produced and written if not ill-conceived? Or will they be afraid of someone accusing them of being biased against the show because it goes against their beliefs? Because clearly the show is poorly produced and written.

For example, here’s a chance for this world of conservative douchebags to really hit a home run- I mean for their 1st show out of the gate and they have two of their biggest figureheads, Rush and Ann Coulter, who sucks by the way, available for a pre-tape and this is what they deliver. Consider what SNL did when they had Al Gore last year. Their writers got it right, they crafted a cohesive, funny, intelligent piece.

Here, Limbaugh is given a few shitty lines where he refers to Howard Dean getting medical attention, gets a seemingly misplaced laugh track laugh on the phrase “commander in chief excellence” before referring to taking a shot at Cindy Sheehan, who lost her kid in Iraq.

He then intros Ann Coulter as his VP. By the way, the conceit of this sketch is that Rush and Ann have won a hotly contested election. Wow, who did Howard Dean have as his VP candidate? John Kerry? (See I can joke too.)

Anyway, I hope this piece of shit gets the discredit it so richly deserves.

What Sucks...Sky Mall


Hey thanks for the free copy of shit I can’t really buy on an airplane. And thanks also for letting me know all about the products you sell. I had no idea I could chose from 200 different alarm clock/ CD players. Wow. I’m so glad this is here because when I was packing reading material, I totally forgot the Sharper Image, Brookstone, Spencer Gifts catalogs I had been planning on bringing with me to read. I can keep this? Really? Awesome, now when I land in Denver, I don’t have to have dinner with that Amway representative. You’ve saved me so much time, how can I ever thank you?

Hey by the way, your “SKY MALL” must have about 75 watch shops in it? Where’s your Cinnabon though? Because the two fatties I’m sitting in between, in your mall, would sure love something.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

What Sucks...Gout



Least sexy disease ever.

A painful disease that is caused by “needle-like” crystals of uric acid falling between the joints of your foot and big toe.

It’s even less sexy than the way I’m describing it. The purity of gout’s suckage is what this blog was made for.

If you’ve ever had it, safe to say, you’re not a hot chick.

To give you an idea of how un-sexy gout is, I wrote a quick email to the Journal of New England Medicine* and asked them if they could provide a list of “hotter”, more “sensual” diseases and, just off the top of the guys head, he came up with these…

1) TB
2) Rheumatoid Arthritis
3) Capgras Syndrome
4) ALS
5) Arachnoiditis


The great Un-Sexy

What Sucks...The 1/2 Hour News Hour


This is one of the worst things I have ever seen and I saw “Stepmom” in the theater.

I know this hit yesterday so forgive me for coming in late but the Fox News Channel is trying to do a version of The Daily Show for conservatives and holy shit does it blow.

As piss-poor as this is, and it is piss-poor, these guys face an uphill battle. This Fox New/ Neo-con conservatism is inherently unfunny. It’s like trying to laugh with your landlord or credit card company.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s easy to laugh at neo-cons, but very hard to laugh with them. I wish it wasn’t. It would help if they were funnier. I wish I could say “After 9-11 you took advantage of America’s fear and fabricated a connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda to justify an invasion into Iraq which lead to the death of over 3000 US troops…quick, tell me a funny joke!”

Plus look at the clip they leaked from the show. 1st off- this is what they’re leaking? Yeesh. Nice Obama joke by the way. The guy sets it up by saying that only 8 percent of Americans are concerned by the fact that Obama’s middle name is “Hussein”. I have to say that number seems a little high. Who gives a shit- why do you keep mentioning it with the “weird name fascination” usually reserved for names such as “Dick Armey”. Now there’s a fucked up name that can be snickered at every time its mentioned. The guy’s name is like an Army of Dicks! Hilarious.

Check out the crowd shots in that video if you get a second. That’s a scene in America? Really? Looks like the Haitian people from 1984 are falling in love Obama too.

The whole thing is a mess – there’s clearly a laugh track which is common enough, but listen to it closely- those are only white laughs, aren’t they?

How’d they do that? Very creepy.

What Sucks...The Milwaukee Bucks


How do you lose to the Celtics? Hang your heads in shame Bucks!

It just goes to show you- in the NBA you never know which team is going to just freaking quit.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What Sucks...Hallmark


Great holiday, seriously, thanks.

St. Valentine, the Catholic saint for which this "holiday" is named, actually refers to one of perhaps four men who were matyred in the 3rd Century...Much like the way the millions of men will feel tonight as they drop serious coin on flowers, dinner and dates (Music and Lyrics opens tonight!).

Really this lame-ass holiday was also designed to replace a pagan fertility holiday called "Lupercalia" in which people went nuts, drank a lot and had sex with anything that moved. So, when you're buying your 70 dollar roses for your wife, or sitting through some bullshit with Hugh Grant, just remember you can be having sex with your girlfriend AND her BFF tonight if it weren't for "St. Valentine's Day".

Enjoy.

What Sucks...You Hit A Fake Link



Hey, you clicked on a fake “What-Sucks” link. Congrats. Which was it for? Doctors Without Borders? Hot Lesbians Going At It? Chum should be made of bombs?

Don’t be silly, those things do not suck, although chum being made of bombs WOULD kill a lot of sharks, but anyway, enjoy the pictures of Jessica Alba frolicking in the surf...



...and next time I say I wrote about a controversial “what sucks”, or I put a link that seems weird to you, I wonder if you’ll click this link again!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

What Sucks...The Boston Celtics


18 L’s in a row.

How do you lose 18 in a row? Don't you eventually have to play the Knicks?

This is a franchise that has won 16 World Championships. Jerseys of Russell, Havlicek, Cowens, Bird, Parrish, McHale and Dennis Johnson hang from the rafters and now Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers are making Isiah Thomas look good.

Things have not gone well for the Celts in the past- the recent passing of Red Auerbach, the premature deaths of Len Bias and Reggie Lewis, and of course Bob Cousy and Larry Bird being in "Blue Chips". But this is especially hard. Tommy Heinsohn is so upset he's barely able to drink, and he hasn’t made eye contact with anyone since November. Cornbread Maxwell and Bill Walton are even reminiscing about their days with the Clippers.

Look at this roster. Other than Paul Pierce who would even start on the White Shadow's Carver High team?

Would you take current center Al Jefferson over Warren Coolidge? Does Sabastian Telfair start over Morris Thorpe? Even Salami at the small forward is a better option that Wally World at this point in his career. And putting Curtis Jackson on the court over Brian Scalapine is a no brainer, even though Jackson was killed in the White Shadow's final season.

The final 5 go like this...

C: Coolidge
PF: Jackson
SF: Salami
SG: Paul Pierce
PG: Thorpe

First guy off the bench: Hayward or Gerald Green.



And coach Ken Reeves definitely over Doc Rivers.

Friday, February 09, 2007

What Sucks...Rolling Stone


Putting John Mayer on the cover of your "New Guitar Gods" issue?

Is this one of those curveball things magazine throw at you every once in a while, right? It's like when Playboy puts Jessica Alba on the cover, but there's no naked Jessica Alba pictures inside...right?

The guy who wrote "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is a guitar god? Is this the ironic issue?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

What Sucks…Live Blogging Things That Shouldn’t Be Live Blogged: THE NEWS HOUR WITH JIM LEHRER


7:00PM- Here we go...

Hey nice red tie, Jim...sheesh all these topics, is an hour enough time?

7:01PM- Hey aren't there supposed to be no commercials on PBS? Thanks ADM, CIT and Chevon even if you are giant corporations that could crush my hometown. Wonder what Jim is doing now?

7:02PM- We're right into it with some BS story about an arrest. And oh jeez, another car bomb in Iraq.

Jim is Flying by the headlines here- the graphics people doing the best they can to keep up.

7:04PM- Emmanuel talking zzzzzz. Boehner speaking ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Even worse. Hey a-hole if its non-binding, why fear it so much?

7:06PM- The supreme leader of Iran is threatening us if we do anything. Great. Now Gates is talking about the Taliban. Back to Jim, he is FLYING! Its been 7 minutes, and he's covered 12 stories. He must be on coke!

7:07PM Now we're talking about Hamas and the PLO- Jim teases a report for later in the show.

7:08PM- The Scooter Libby case, oh Jim is loving talking shit about Russert. I can see the pleasure he takes when he describes Tim on the stand.

7:09PM- We're into segemnt 2- and Jim throws to Judy Woodruff.



7:10PM- Wooddruff is flirting with some guy who is reporting on a dude arrested in Iraq.

7:12PM: Judy asking questions with her words, giving answers with her eyes...Damien Cave of the NYT doesn't seem to be interested. The people are promising to hide their guns until they see if the government can keep them safe- I have a feeling bullet stores will continue to be a growth industry over there for some time.

7:15PM- Final question...will you marry me, Damien?

7:16PM- Jim is back. He's throwing to someone named "Indigo". He's drunk...Some guy with an eye patch is very poorly dubbed.

7:18PM- Indigo Gilmore. Nice name. I'd wear a bullet proof vest too. (He was wearing a bulletproof vest.)

7:19PM- Arab guys kissing again upon greeting. Yeah, it's their custom, whatever.

7:20PM- More bad dubbing, I guess this is where you see the difference between network $ and PBS money.

Jim's back. And now we're on a website.

7:21PM- A story on healthcare. Evil Wal-Mart logo. Apparently they want health care- and now an old lady is getting a shot.

Ron Pollock is talking...blah, blah, blah ARNOLD is on now! He's talking! I wonder if Jim is going nuts right now as the tape rolls...

7:24PM- Jim is back in the studio talking to a lesbian and some white haired dude who is probably looking to rip us off.

7:25PM- Maybe this white haired guy is not looking to rip us off....now the lesbian is talking again. They are looking to have healthcare in place by 2012. Great, my diabetes will be kicking in by then.

7:29PM- Wow, if we get healthcare, I'm gonna need a doctor to cure me of "TalkingAboutHealthCare-Itus". I have a bad case.

7:34PM- Jim enjoys a light moment with the grey haired guy and sends these two jokers on their way- coming up...blasting bacteria!

7:35PM- This is like Jack-ass, a guy is eating contaminated spinich on purpose. Jim has to be away from the desk now- my guess- he's doing a line of coke, or pissing.

7:36PM- This is about food getting radiated in order to "clean" it.

7:38PM- They're showing an old movie now.

7:42PM- Funny photos of someone dressed as a sterak getting zapped. So its like this, we can clean our food with radiation, or we can continue to have to "take care of our food properly." Are we lazy?

7:44PM- Finally tonight...as Jim would say, "a story about money, honey". Well he wasn't really saying that. This is a story about buyouts of major companies. Kind of like what Richard Gere did in Pretty Woman- I mean with his company- not with gerbils.

7:45PM- A child they are interviewing (Andrew Ross Sorkin- he looks young) basically explains that people in private equity funds are basically flipping companies. The guy talking now is apparently from the Fuck School of Business at Dartmounth. Oh sorry, the TUCK School. My bad.

7:48PM- Apparently the guys involved in the Blackstone deal, are in love with each other as they send poetry back and forth.

7:52PM- Andrew is somewhere in Times Square if anyone is walking by, please flash! I guess the same can be said for anyone at Dartmounth where this other dude is.

7:54PM- Jeez, if you stayed awake through that bore-fest, you're rewarded with a recap from Jim. The Iraq deputy health inspector was arrested - I just got that after an hour.

7:55PM- Wait a minute!? It's over? The fucking New Hour with Jim Lehrer is only 54 minutes long! This is bullshit!

What Sucks…Things That Suck About Lost: The Others


Sorry, I’m a little hung-over today. I was playing this drinking game last night where you watch Lost and every time someone in the Others does something passive aggressive, you do a shot.

I was hammered by the first commercial break.

Seriously, I’m calling bullshit on the Others. F those guys, I don’t think they know what they’re doing any more than we do watching them. I think they have been full of shit from day one and Walt and Alex called it right in season 2- of course they’re not who they say they are, because they don’t say they’re anyone- that would be “being direct” something these a-holes who are apparently just trying to get their friend a free operation, would never do.

Everything they do is weak- the fake beards, the decoy village with huts, the stealing children from Rousseau and the back of the plane people in the middle of the night, the fucking with Walt, the shooting Sawyer on the raft, the keeping people in cages in zoos, the stealing Desmond’s boat, the killing the survivors they killed- be men, you passive aggressive douche bags!

You’re well-armed, have the latest in walkie-talkies, a top flight fertility doctor and apparently access the NSA files the government keeps on all of us, what are you afraid of?

Now Jack removes a tumor from your leader’s back and still- there you are with all the mystery.

Miss an episode that featured the Others? Here, I re-wrote every single one in three lines…

JACK:
Look, seriously, we can save a lot of time and energy here- maybe you can just tell me what you want me to do?

OTHER:
(PREGNANT PAUSE) Perhaps…or maybe I’ll show you this DVD of the entire season 5 of “Growing Pains” as an opera starring Nicolas Cage and Crystal Bernard!

JACK:
(ROLLING EYES) Just TELL me what you want me to do!

They don’t even know Elizabeth, if that’s her name. By the way, these assholes dragged her to their Island (off the coast of the REAL island by the way- they don’t have the balls to live any place that holds a mirror up to them so closely) to do what? Nothing. She was doing landmark fertility research and now she’s wasting her time in bullshit “Other” book club meetings. Meanwhile, we just found out last time she was in the real world, she was impregnating MALE mice. But no, keep her, I’m sure her research won’t lead to anything.

Why is the island fucking with the survivors and not them? At least when Mr. Ecko decided to move from a drug running warlord to a fake priest it was an active move. Ben can’t even spy on the survivors without pretending to be some dude named Henry Gale.


What’s your deals, a-holes?

What Sucks...Newsweek


This week’s big story? Whores.

First off, where’s Lohan? And any celebration of rich, drunken, “vag-showees” HAS to include Lohan. She was a pioneer practically started the craze.

Secondly, you are Newsweek. WTF? Ahem, I guess the war is over. I hadn’t heard. I love how "Shite Death Cults" is in a banner over Paris and Britney.

Sorry, I feel obliged to do this joke…


Well, at least US Weekly got it right.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

What Sucks...You Can Get Moonlight Mile on iTunes Movies Now


And oh, cool Patriot Games is available now- and the Guardian too which stars Kevin Costner.

But mostly Moonlight Mile. Hey iTunes, I was hoping to download the first Scooby Doo movie, a couple of Mark Ruffalo romantic comedies and the straight to video Barbershop 4- can you hook me up?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

What Sucks...This Astronaut


Love triangles often hurt but when they involve someone wearing adult diapers, they hurt more.

Meet Lisa Nowak, who up until now was known for one extraordinary thing- going to space, she is now known for another.



Wow going to space just seems more like an afterthought, huh?

Think of all the streets, plazas and public school gymnasiums in her hometown that used to be named for their pride and joy astronaut and are now currently named for someone who drove 950 miles from Houston to Orlando in an adult diaper.

What were the APB’s like for this one?

“Suspect may have space helmet and is wearing diapers…”

I mean, you’re going to have to stop for gas ANYWAY. What’s 3 more minutes to hit the bathroom?

What the hell happened to NASA by the way? Buzz Aldrin would never pull this shit.

Somewhere a tear rolls down John Glenn's face, as he sits in adult diapers.


At least the Runaway Bride used the facilities.

Monday, February 05, 2007

What Sucks…Kids Watching Porn “Mistakenly”: Perv Watch V.8


A huge report released today on kids and the internet, carried by just about every major US news source (Time, NYT, Forbes, CNN, USA Today, Bloomberg, etc.) says that kids who “surf the web” are reporting that they are subject to seeing porn online from time to time, “unintentionally”.

Yeah, funny how those google searches just seem to fill themselves out they should really fix the thing that makes "Spanish American War" and "Wilson's League of Nations" give you results of "Huge Knockers" and "Hot Chicks Kissing".

Hey kids watching porn, cut the crap. Unintentionally? Really? I’m sure. Just be happy that 95 percent of your parents don’t know how to access your browser’s “history cache”. Don’t you think you’re getting a little cocky with this whole “we’re not watching it intentionally” thing?

I give you pervs credit, you certainly got your message out...









And hey USA Today, ABC News, CNN, and Bloomberg.com, I’m beginning to see why it was so easy for President Cheney to invade Iraq. At least put the “often mistakenly” thing in quotes or italics.


“Often mistakenly”? Yeah, me too. Pervs.

What Sucks…The Cold


Jesus it’s cold in New York today (and Hoboken, the Prague of New Jersey). It’s a special “artic cold” walking outside is like taking an ice shower. It’s way beyond “Balls Cold” and even “Witch’s Tit” cold. We’re in a new realm. I tried to write some jokes about it today but its just so freaking cold I don’t think I’m doing a good job of finding the humor in it-

It’s so cold…

….you should really check up on any elderly relatives or friends you have in the city as the cold weather can be especially hard on them.

It’s so cold…

…today the there will be dead homeless people all over the place unless they get themselves into one of the city’s dangerous, drug infested shelters.

It’s so cold…

…today that people living in homes heated by oil will most certainly face incredibly high bills at the end of the month and that’s not good because many of them are on fixed incomes.

It’s so cold…

…many of the city’s emergency rooms, which are already overcrowded, will face a further influx of patients, taxing their already stretched out staff and adding further cost to already over-burdened tax players.

It’s so cold…

...Paris Hilton was seen rubbing up against someone purely for the body heat.

See that one I went with the joke but it was clearly not funny.

It’s freakin cold out there- wear a hat.

Friday, February 02, 2007

What Sucks...Because I Said So


I don't want to over-state anything but if this thing makes money this weekend we should be attacked again.

Jesus, look at the trailer. I'd rather see a spot on my X-Ray. My eyes are burning. Not only is this a movie about 3 young women trying to get a 60 year old laid, not only does it end with that "Feel The Rain On Your Skin" song, it starts off with Diane Keaton in her "undies". NSFW! NSFL! (Not Safe For Life!) NSIYEWTAEA! (Not Safe If You Ever Want To Acheive Erection Again!)

You know, my mom recently turned 60 and she took it like a man. I don't know why, maybe because she had a life of acomplishment to look back on, maybe because she's not so vein to think that her self-esteem needs to be tied into her age. Just because you're not being aggresively marketed to, doesn't mean your life is over! Make a movie about THAT, Diane Keaton!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

What Sucks...The People Who Got Tyra This Upset!


Tyra is pissed- what the hell is wrong with you people?!

A month ago she was having a panty party, now she's screaming and crying because you called her fat. I hope you're happy.

What Sucks…Kathy and Rick Hilton As Parents


Seriously, nice job.

Ever think some where along the line you maybe should have coached a softball team or something? Perhaps SUPERVISE one of those sleepovers? I don’t know, maybe setting a curfew of “sometime Thursday” wasn’t such a great idea in retrospect. I know hindsight is 20/20 and all but look at these pictures- at this point a mug shot would yield a sigh of relief. What am I saying? At this point a picture with her holding only ONE dick would yield a sigh of relief.


Baby's first sex tape. Nice.




You guys make Dina Lohan look like Claire Huxtable.



The top hat, nice touch.




I don’t know, was Saddam a better parent?



Exposed as what? A whore? You’re a little late.


At this point I’m shocked when I see a picture of her, without a pipe, a guy’s privates in her mouth or as you can see from this new video where she’s added racism to her repertoire, a white hood.

Your daughter's crotch is the place to be- for bacteria.


(link from the very funny What Would Tyler Durden Do?)


Being "supportive".