Wednesday, January 31, 2007

What Sucks...Joe Biden



Things to do...

9:00 AM- Declare myself a candidate for President of the United States.

9:01 AM- Call Barak Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean and a nice looking guy".

9:02 AM- Begin apologizing for Obama comment.

Worse start to a campaign since William Jennings Bryan started off a speech in South Carolina by saying..."Helloooooooooo Cousin Kissers!"


Never recovered from "Cousin Kisser-Gate".

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

What Sucks…Hollywood’s 1st Major Suck-Off of 2007: “Catch And Release” V. “Music And Lyrics”


As they often do, Hollywood studios strategically time their film releases in an effort to steal each other’s thunder, and whenever possible, box office momentum. It’s a calculated game of cat and mouse, and right now Warner Brothers and Columbia, with their upcoming releases of “Music And Lyrics” (trailer) and “Catch and Release” (trailer), are taking this chess match, normally reserved for decent films, into the late-January “shit film” dumping ground.

Not since 1999’s release of “The Other Sister” and “Bicentennial Man” has Hollywood competed so transparently for your “crap dollar”.

Let’s look at the tale of the tape for these two shit-burgers.



By releasing two horrific looking romantic comedies at this time both studios are gambling.

Columbia gambles that by releasing Catch And Release first, America will not realize it’s crap season, and will go see the film in large numbers. They are giving up the Valentine’s Day opening and thus will not compete directly with Warner Bros. who release “Music And Lyrics” on that day. However, they run the risk of America actually figuring out that Catch and Release is indeed shit, and thus shunning it. It’s a ballsy move by Columbia’s execs, but one that could potentially be seen as brilliant as the film has the “shit romantic comedy” market cornered for as long as 2 weeks.

Warner Bros. on the other hand is gambling that America will want a “shit romantic comedy” that is brand new on Valentine’s Day- however, they also roll the dice by offering it in the form of a Drew Barrymore/ Hugh Grant turd. One thing in its favor however is that American men have all pretty much written off the idea of going to a decent movie on Valentine’s Day. They are just looking to survive the made-up holiday and get through it with minimal discomfort. They expect to go see shit, picked out by their girlfriends, with little or no control over the film. If sitting through a movie, even as bad as either one of these films, kills 90 minutes of Valentine’s Day night, then so be it.

Warner Bros. is gambling on the American male. They are betting that he puts his foot down and tells his girlfriend there’s “No fucking way I’m going to see Catch And Release” 2 weeks before February 14th. Warner Bros. is betting the farm that no American male will see Catch And Release until their film “Music and Lyrics” is out- and then, they are betting that the “new” movie, theirs, will be the one chosen. It’s putting a lot of faith in American males, but they obviously feel, they won’t be let down.

Broken down to simplest forms, the gamble becomes, does America go see “Catch And Release” first, suffer through that mind numbing piece of garbage and then go back AGAIN for more shit in the form of “Music And Lyrics”?

If the answer is yes, Catch wins, if the answer is no, it’s M&L.

Will American men let that happen? Columbia in a way is saying "yes", in a sense, American men are pussies and will see both films. A risk for Warner Bros. because they know, if you see "Catch And Release", there’s no way you’re gonna see “Music And Lyrics”.

Either way, Hollywood has ushered in a new season.

Monday, January 29, 2007

What Sucks...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


Feelings about President Bush aside (and I think he’s a major ass-hat), this guy is weak.

I just can’t believe we’re going to end up going to war with him.

It’s sad that this is what it comes down to. We used to stare down Khrushchev. Now we’re scared of getting nuked by a guy wearing a Members Only Jacket.

We can’t outsmart this clown? Is there no deal that can be brokered? No enticements to stop building a nuclear weapons program? No a gift certificate to Guess to turn him from his evil ways?

I can’t believe our President and his administration having their hand forced by a dude wearing what Damone wore in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.

This guy’s fashion sense is a disgrace to other Holocaust deniers.


Hey buddy, it’s the UN- dress it up a little.

Friday, January 26, 2007

What Sucks...Movies Based On Video Games


Video Games based on movies generally suck with few exceptions (North Country: The Game!) but movies based on video games always suck, every time out.

It’s an amazing tradition of dreck that dates back to Super Mario Brothers starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo…



Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme (see above), Mortal Kombat staring the dude from Highlander…


…Mortal Kombat 2 which couldn’t even get the guy from Highlander.



90 percent of these crapfests are brought to you by director Uwe Boll, a huge douchebag who I honestly would have tried to contact for this posting were he not busy in pre-production of “Alone in the Dark II”, the follow-up to his “Alone in the Dark” which starred Tara Reid...as a scientist.


Balls.


The best movie based on a video game, the “Citizen Kane” of movies based on video games, or actually to be more accurate the “7 Days and 7 Nights” of movies based on video games, would be Resident Evil which, by the way, is not that good.

A lot of times a movie is not as good as the book is based on, but when that book is an instruction manual, that ain’t good.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

What Sucks...The L Word


No matter what your religious or political background is, it’s hard to deny that Showtime’s sleek “The L Word”, with its “in your face” attitude and edgy themes sends a dangerous and even irresponsible message to young people: all lesbians are hot.

I mean come on, look at the above photo. They even made a 56 year-old Pam Grier look good, kinda. Do we want our young people going around thinking that all lesbians look like Jennifer Beals, Mia Kirshner or Rachel Shelley (who plays the exotic Henena back for season 4!)? What happens when they go out in the world and bump into Martina Navratilova, Rosie O’Donnell or Condoleezza Rice?

But this year they may have gone too far by adding new cast member Cybil Sheppard. Cybil Sheppard! And no, she’s not playing someone’s grandmother. Or Eleanor Roosevelt in a flashback. Moonlighting was in 1989 and back then they shot her in so much soft focus the final 2 seasons seemed like dream sequences.


Thanks for the "soft-on".

Say what you will about this show but you could do a lot worse than occasionally flipping past Showtime and seeing Jennifer Beals or Rosie Rollins naked making out with some hot chick, that being said don’t make this pastime many men enjoy, into a game of Russian Roulette!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

What Sucks...Grey's Anatomy


First off, it’s not exactly my call that this show is on in my home at 9PM on Thursday nights, I don’t get to make all the decisions in my household, if my wife wants to watch Grey’s Anatomy, she gets to. I’m not the Taliban, okay? None of this is your business anyway, so get out of my bedroom.

That being said, there’s a lot of bullshit floating around the top rated, Golden Globe winning Seattle Grace.

POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERTS (but really I’m doing you a favor)

BULLSHIT ITEM 1: IZZY

Can I please not be subjected to another scene where I get attitude from Izzy? Am I supposed to feel sympathy for her? She’s lucky she’s not behind bars. She killed a guy. Also, she’s a multimillionaire. And her friends are retarded- why are they so understanding? She made everyone at Seattle Grace an accomplice to murder. How long do you think George is gonna last in the big house if it comes to it?

Here’s an interesting question- does Seattle have cops? Because if it does, can maybe one of them get off his/ her fat ass and ask a question or two?

Here’s a quick recap, Columbo- Izzy got a sick man to fall for her, bequeath an $8 million inheritance check oh and “accidentally die” while she was doing a unsanctioned, unethical, experimental procedure to get him a heart transplant. What doesn’t stink like shit about this?

Then she tells everyone they were going to get married (which no one has a problem believing) and goes on to make a big show on how she can’t cash the check because she’s “traumatized”. Traumatized? How bout “doesn’t want to show ‘motive’”?

Am I being too coy here? SHE KILLED DENNY! Jesus, we had less evidence on Saddam.

Look at the profile: poor, unstable girl from a trailer park haunted by a child she had to give up for adoption, “models” (read: hooks) her way through med school, currently has no fixed address- even though she is a doctor and must be able to afford a place. Add this on to the colossal breakdown she had after Denny’s death where she does nothing but cook muffins and what we have is someone who is trying to throw cops off her trail.

And she has the balls to be indignant when they suggest that maybe she shouldn’t practice surgery until she gets proper counseling? I wouldn’t allow her in my hospital as a patient- she’s a fucking killer!


You're rich? Sure I'll be your wife, ooh your vitals aren't looking good.

BULLSHIT ITEM 2: MCSTEAMY

The 2nd biggest bullshit storyline of the season- McSteamy, who clearly can’t get it up if he’s not fucking someone Patrick Dempsey is fucking. Hey dude, let me connect the dots for you, cut out the middle woman and fuck Patrick Dempsey!

By the way, why are these assholes “MIC-Dreamy” and “MIC-Steamy”? Are either one of them Irish? Their names are Sheppard and Sloan. And while we’re on the subject of McSteamy, he’s the big-time douchebag at Seattle Grace- but why? Because he tries to sleep around? That’s why they hate him? Hypocrites! Is there anyone on that show who hasn’t fucked? The chief is cheating on his wife with a woman with Alzheimer’s for Christ sakes, but McSteamy’s a bad guy cause he’s trying to get laid.


How dare he.

What Sucks...Ticks


Ticks. Huge douchebags of the animal world.

Make no mistake, in the “Life Forms That Suck, Hall of Fame”, the tick is an inaugural inductee- right up there with the Babe Ruth’s (Mosquitoes), the Ty Cobb’s (Tapeworms) and the Cy Young’s (Man O’ War Jellyfish) of forms of life that bring nothing to the table.

So way to go, God. Nice job creating the tick.

No seriously, way to make a nasty looking bug that attaches itself to you by digging its hook legs into your skin. Yeah, pretty cool feature you threw in there where it literally feeds off human blood. Oh, and the whole disease spreading thing- nice touch there too. By the way- love the “only way you can remove it is by HOLDING A LIT CIGARETTE TO YOUR SKIN” thing- very nice.

Awesome, really- some of your finest work. Yeah, was that the week You found out You had to sacrifice Your Son? Was it the 8th day, right after someone keyed your car? How did it work, God? Was it make the sun, stars, flowers, trees, puppies, then ticks, kittens, butterflies and baby ducks? How does the tick get in there? I’m just asking.

Monday, January 22, 2007

What Sucks...New Kleenex Commercials


What is wrong with us?

This is a tissue commercial, right? Or is it a short film about how easy it is to recruit people for cults? Maybe is a documentary about how many lonely people there are out there who’ll talk to anybody who will listen to them. I can’t really tell either way, I only hope everyone in it is getting their SAG card.

Think someone in the Kleenex’s marketing department is feeling a little self-important these days? Are they trying to get me to look at a tissue commercial and say “this film changed my life”? Are tissues this important, cause earlier today about 50 million teenagers across the country spanked into one while looking at Lohan’s latest nip slip. Where’s their couch in the street commercial?

Hey Kleenex, get over yourself- you catch snot!

By the way, where the hell was this filmed? Depression-ville, USA? Somebody send a team of shrinks over there STAT.

What Sucks…The Painstakingly Long To Evolve Curse On The Cast of Barney Miller


Ron Carey is the latest victim of one of the most storied, and slow-ass curses to ever hit Hollywood. It has already lasted more than 3 times longer than the actual run of the show, and is still yet to completely unfold. But as the Reaper slowly works his was through the cast of Barney Miller, we are reminded that there are some curses for which there is no escape.

Who’s next? Wojciehwicz? Dietrich? Ron Glass? Which one is living on borrowed time?

Let's just pray its not Vigoda.

Think I'm lying? Ask Barbara Feldon about the curse on Get Smart. She how comfortable she sleeps. Then ask the cast of Night Court how many bailiffs beside Marsha Warfield show up cast reunions.

Ron Carey- RIP.

Friday, January 19, 2007

What Sucks...Shredded Wheat


Is this anyone’s favorite cereal? Can it be the crappiest cereal of all time?

Putting a frosty side on this thing is like putting perfume on a dookie. It’s like eating a bowl of hay. You need the milk just to get it down.

I’m writing a screenplay right now about the epic battle between the guy who invented Shredded Wheat, and the guy whose idea it was to have the company cover one side of the shredded wheat with frosting. Its still a first draft, the entire thing takes place in one conference room and right now the screenplay is running at about 242 pages which means it runs at just over 4 hours, so I’d probably have to cut it down a little.

I was thinking of Kevin Spacey for the role of Mr. Devlin and probably go with a younger actor like Ryan Gosling for the role of Lester, but a buddy of mine walks Jeff Goldblum’s dog and mentioned the idea to Goldblum and he said he’d be interested in Lester, needless to say, if he goes for that then all bets are off for the Gosling. It’s based on a true story although not everything in the screenplay is 100 accurate. This is right at the beginning of act 3. Here’s an excerpt. (you can click on it to make it larger)




Thursday, January 18, 2007

What Sucks...Alcoholism, Unchecked


PREDICTION: The “Paula Abdul shitfaced on American Idol” episode is closer than you think.

And this won’t be “fun, endearing ‘Dean Martin’ drunk”, no- this will be, and I believe the clinical term for it is, “mom making your friends uncomfortable” drunk.

THE BET: Paula does not make it back to LA without being visibly hammered on TV.

If I’m lying, I’m buying. I’ll bet each reader of this blog one beer that she’s hammered before the show hits Los Angeles I guess that’s about 2 weeks, probably less. If I’m wrong, just come up to me if you see me in a bar, with this posting printed out, and I will buy you a beer. If I’m right- and I will be right, just, when you see me, buy me a beer.

And I know she looked like she had it together this week but that only makes it harder for her next week.

With apologies to Jeff Forxworthy, if there are multiple clips of you on the internet being hammered on TV…

Paula Drunk.
Paula Drunker.
Paula just, this is disturbing.

…and if you google "your name" and "drunk" and get 772 thousand hits…

…and if headlines read “Paula Abdul Drunk On TV AGAIN”, you my friend may be a boozehound.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

What Sucks...Fergie


I debated this for a while because, let’s face it, there’s a fine line between telling you all what sucks, and hatin’. I’ve tried very hard to not cross that line, so it is, after careful consideration and no small amount of soul searching I feel I can say, with a clear conscience…

…is Fergie retarded?

I’m mainly going off lyrics here and she may not have written everything she says, but there’s enough in her catalogue (“My Humps”, “Hey Mama” and “London Bridge”, whose subtle manipulation of language makes “Fergalicious” look like early Dylan) to suspect that she may be in fact, a moron.

I may be a little late to the party but does anyone know exactly what the “London Bridge” metaphor pertains to? I know what we all assume it means, but does it actually mean anything?

Take a look at some of these lyrics…the song starts off as if it is about Fergie going to a club and dancing and drinking and having a good time…

When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh, shit)
Part the seas, don't be having me in the line (Oh, shit)
V.I.P 'cause you know I gotta shine (Oh, shit)
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time (Oh shit)

All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
'cause you know I don't give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)

…until all of a sudden Fergie evokes the imagery of a bridge.

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like

…What the fuck is she talking about? I mean, I know she’s talking about sex, but I don’t get what the “London Bridge” is. Is it an archway her legs form as if she is in a ballerina’s 1st or 2nd position? Because, the London Bridge does not have an archway.

There’s the underwear theory where, because the video to the song features Fergie wearing underwear that has the British flag on it, that perhaps “London Bridge” means her undies. But who ever equates underwear with bridges?

Does Fergie think the London Bridge is a draw-bridge and therefore “London Bridge want to go down” has to do with her letting someone “across”, and thus symbolically into her life? Because London Bridge is not a drawbridge. As a matter of fact, London Bridge is not really an extraordinary looking bridge at all.


It’s an old, important one, one rebuilt over the years (an original is in Arizona) but all in all it is pretty simple looking which leads to the question…

…is Fergie talking about the TOWER Bridge?


Did she get the name of the bridge wrong? Is she a fucking idiot?

The Tower Bridge is a drawbridge of sorts so the “going down” part could make sense. Also, in the video Fergie mistakenly refers to the Tower Bridge as the London Bridge.

Conclusion: Fergie may be a mental midget. She did spell the word “Duchess” wrong on her album (“Dutchess”), and she is singing about the wrong bridge. Additionally, in the context of the Tower Bridge, the metaphor is still hard to swallow.

What Sucks…Crocodile Dundee II: Sequels That Suck V.2



In 1986 no one expected the Paul Hogan film “Crocodile Dundee” to be the huge hit it was. It was a sleeper and, with its easy going star Paul Hogan from “down under” finding out about how life was in the Big Apple, discerning what a bidet was used for and saying the unforgettable line “That’s Not A Knife…THAT’S A Knife” to a couple of would be muggers, he won America’s heart.

The 1988 sequel, “Crocodile Dundee II” however, sucked.

Gone was the simple “fish out of water” playfulness, no grabbing the privates of a trannie-hooker to determine if he/ she was as he or she, no sleeping on the hotel room floor because you’re not used to sleeping in a bed and no putting cocaine into a bowl of hot water to steam a guy’s cold away. All that was replaced with a storyline about a drug cartel kidnapping Mick Dundee’s wife Linda Kozlowski and threatening to kill her. Suddenly we don’t care so much that Dundee doesn’t know how to live in a hotel room, we just hope he knows how to call the police. The police for their part, as is their procedure, allowed Mick take his wife back to the Outback, and lure the drug cartel down there (Dinkens was in office) so he call do a little ass-kicking on his home turf.

Sadly, in researching for this posting, due to its 1988 release, no critic was able to say, “Crocodile Dundee- it’s Australian for crap!” Luckily, the 2001 release of “Crocodile Dundee 3: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles”, afforded them such an opportunity.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

What Sucks...The Doomsday Clock


Worst clock ever!

All right, we get it, nukes are bad- but do we need this disconcerting clock?

Look at it- it’s a shitty clock- first off, it doesn’t have all the numbers, secondly it only has one hand and thirdly, if it hits midnight, we’re all dead in a fiery nuclear holocaust.

Seriously though, this clock sucks. It’s set up just to scare us. Let’s say we do some crazy, dramatic, turnaround and get all the nuclear weapons off the face of the earth and somehow reduce global warming to where it allows the planet to recover. What’s the clock gonna read, 3:15? No, the earliest it looks like it can read is quarter to. Looks like it’s time for some bullshit there, that thing is a downer.

Another thing, if there really IS a nuclear catastrophe, is this thing really going to read midnight? I don’t think so, the guy who’s job it is to set it up is either gonna be goo, or be so far the fuck away from the clock when the big one DOES go off, its still gonna read 6 minutes to midnight.

Friday, January 12, 2007

What Sucks Reminder: Behar And Hasselbeck Suck Too


As a public service, What Sucks would just like to remind everyone that despite all the attention being paid to the ongoing feud between Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell and now Barbara Walters, it should not be forgotten that Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar, also of The View, still suck.

I mean, just because the major headlines are going to Rosie, Barbara and Donald during this very public sparring match, doesn’t mean that Elisabeth with her exceedingly stupid, neo-con/ judgmental view of the world is any less annoying, or Joy Behar, with her overbearing personality is any less grating on your nerves and unattractive.

Perhaps in the next letter he publicly writes to Rosie, Donald could throw a line or two about Elisabeth and Joy. Something simple like “P.S. Hey Elisabeth, there were no dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark, Joy, you know, you were there.”

Until then or until this hoopla is all over, please do not forget that the View, which also has given us Star Jones-Reynolds and the high maintenance Lisa Ling, has 4 a-holes on it, not 2.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

What Sucks…Mama’s Family DVD’s


Come on everyone, we can do better than this.

Trees were cut down for this and the environment- already in trouble- will be further sullied. For what? For someone to have in their personal video collection, Season 1 of Mama’s Family? Shame on you, America.

What sick fuck out there has a bookcase in their home where they are keeping a DVD of Mama’s Family. I wouldn’t even buy that as a gag-gift. I don’t even think Vicki Lawrence would have one of these things. Is Season 1 even the best season? As I remember they completely revamped the cast after that first year.

The bottom line is, the world should not have fucking Mama’s Family available on DVD. It’s just not right.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

What Sucks...Cathy


Is Cathy supposed to be funny? Because reading this is making me very uncomfortable. It’s like a someone I know is clearly struggling with an eating disorder, suffering greatly from insecurity and a poor body image, and on top of all that, does not have a nose.

This series of strips are taken almost entirely consecutively. For almost two weeks Cathy has been obsessing over her dress size and her weight. I can only imagine this story line will end when Irving comes home to tell her he’s fucking his secretary. Nice job Cathy, push another man away all he did was love you.


Yeesh, I feel like calling my R.A.



Whatever you have to tell yourself. Looks like someone will be using a finger size 2, to reach down a throat size 4.



Would someone please draw a Puerto Rican guy in this strip so she can get some lovin'?

What Sucks...The People


Nickelback?

What else did the people have to chose from? Were ALL the people chosing, collectively being ironic?

By the way in case you missed it, here are the People's Choice Awards that didn't make it into the show, given out earlier in the day. Apparently there are a lot of categories and it takes you a long time to vote when you go to the website.

Least Likely To Get An Asian Chick: Charlie Gibson

Best Pop Up Ad: University of Phoenix

Biggest Perv: John Mark Karr

Coolest Dude (ironic): K-Fed

Best Album (ironic): K-Fed, Playing With Fire

Biggest Douchebag: K-Fed

Biggest Douchebag (ironic): Barack Obama

Best Towel: Annur Towel, 100% Cotton (Bed Bath and Beyond)

Best Towel (beach): Carona Extra Label (oversize)

Best Paparazzi "Female Privates" Shot: Lindsay Lohan

Best Actor In Babel: Mohamed Akhzam (bus driver guy)


Congrats to all the winners.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

What Sucks...Red Lobster


“Let white trash have lobster!” Bill Darden, Red Lobster founder 1968.

…and with those 5 words, in 1968, Bill Darden opened the first of what would become countless slaps in the face to fine cuisine. And yes, while the words “seafood restaurant chain”, like “chained Italian”, are an abomination in the eyes of God- the type of words that if said into a mirror 3 times in a row have enough bad karma to bring a psychotic killer back from the grave- the people of Iowa, New Mexico, South Dakota and Missouri, despite the fact they were a plane ride from the nearest “sea”- would come in droves to eat lobster and other seafood that had been, in the best case scenario, on the road for a week, in a more likely one, caught during the end of the Korean war.

But Darden simply opening his restaurant wasn’t his ticket to fortune. After all the 1st Red Lobster was opened in Florida, a place 3⁄4 of which is surrounded by water. Where Darden’s talent lay was in observation. He saw in Florida, with its many shirtless criminals later to be immortalized on shows such as “COPS” and “COPS: Florida” and “COPS: Dade County” and “COPS: INSERT NAME OF ANY OTHER TOWN/ PROVINCE IN FLORIDA”, the last quarter of what in fact surrounds the state- water on the east, west and south- white trash to the north.

Yes, bring lobster to the prairie- cover it with a shitload of butter if you must, but bring it out there. The people will come- they’ll put on your bib and they will eat it, they won’t know why, or how, but they will come- and they’ll pay- at least once.

Darden then gambled.

Perhaps curiosity will get the best of the rest of the country. What if you lived near the ocean? What if you lived in a city where skilled chefs took a lobster and honored its sacrifice by making it as delicious as it could be? Could you still be afforded the chance to eat shitty lobster? Darden said “yes” and today Red Lobsters, like mediocrity, run rampant in not only the US, but Canada and even Japan too. Japan, a country built off fishing- has Red Lobsters.

So has Darden won? Many say yes. They point to Japan, to the Red Lobster off the Long Island Sound in Bridgeport, Ct. and say yes. But soon, the world will run out of fish and the countless lobsters that were served in Red Lobster, will have the last laugh. After all, you ate them at Red Lobster's.

Monday, January 08, 2007

What Sucks…Ghostbusters 2: A What Sucks In Depth Series: Sequels That Suck V. 1


Ghostbusters was an amazing movie. Funny, smart, well written and directed. It features an outstanding performance by Bill Murray, great showings by Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis and one of the last documented instances of Dan Aykroyd being funny on film (he was blown by a ghost!). In fact, the film gets a great performances from nearly everyone who appears in it- from Annie Potts, to the guy who played Lenny the Mayor, to the handsome cab driver who calls Rick Moranis an asshole. In addition, they had one of the best “a-hole” guys ever to appear on film, as the film’s bad guy- I’m talking of course of the grossly under-rated William Atherton- who played the EPA guy, “Dickless”. Atherton, of course went on to play memorable a-holes in Real Genius and of course he was the dickhead reporter in Die Hard but here in Ghostbusters, you really see a solid performance by maybe the best guy to play an a-hole in films in the 1980’s, all apologies to William Zabka.

Ghostbusters 2 however, sucked.

There are worst sequels I suppose, but have their been any more disappointing? The entire cast was back- as was the original director. It just should have been better.

WHERE DID THEY GO WRONG?

Was it the bad guy? Atherton’s storied performance was handed over to Peter MacNichol, who would later find fame as the guy from Ally McBeal. He’s a fine character actor I suppose, but he just couldn’t deliver what we got from Atherton. I know his role was different, but I think his purpose was the same. His character gets possessed restoring some picture…the ghost in the picture wants to kidnap a baby…its confusing and complex.

Ghostbusters 1- Gozer comes back looking to cause the end of days, the Ghostbusters turn him into the Stay Puff Marshmallow-Man, and then save the world. It has Joe Franklin, Casey Kasem and the late great Roger Grimsby in it as themselves.

Ghostbusters 2- There are rivers of slime running under New York, a picture is being restored, instead of giving Bill Murray all the funny lines like they did in the first film, they try and spread out the smart-ass hero lines to Ramis, Aykroyd and Sigourney Weaver. Finally a baby is kidnapped by a ghost, the GB’s develop “good” slime, use the Statue of Liberty as a weapon and save the world. No Kasem, not even Larry King.

It just doesn’t measure up.

What Sucks...Put Him In The Hole Already!


Ford Funeral Diary: Day 15

Dear Diary,

We’re in Michigan now, this is turning into a Phish tour. I swear to God, Betty Ford was NOT in a wheel chair when this thing started. Look at her, she’s exhausted, Ford’s body just earned 24 thousand frequent flyer miles!



The coverage of this event has been thorough to say the least but I have detected a change as the burial process has lingered. Look at these headlines from across the country.







And I think this one really hammers home the point about just how long it is taking to bury our 38th President.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

What Sucks...Your Wife Physically Kicking Your Ass


It is a secret, shameful club, it’s membership not exactly known by anyone but yesterday, their weekly pick-up basketball games just got one of the best pure point guards ever.

Throw Jason Kidd into the pantheon of men who have come out in public to claim that they’ve been beaten by their wives.

He won't be alone there. He can talk physics with Stephen Hawking, baseball with Chuck Finley and have a beer with Kelly Carpenter (not confirmed!)

And of course, after everyone shares and talks it out, they'll be a sing-a-long with Lionel Richie.

Few options here: Hello...my wife kicked my ass. (OR) Oh What A Feeling...when you’re wife beats the crap out of you. (OR) Say You, Say...my wife is a bad-ass, don’t mess with her. (OR) Easy...easy like getting my ass kicked by my wife.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

What Sucks…Grieving Widows. (She’s Grieving, Right?)



She’s back out on the market fellas.

Did anyone in this house ever say anything coherent? WTF is she talking about other than pizza?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

What Sucks...Non-Story of the Week: Barbara Walters Stands By Rosie O’Donnell


Really? She's sticking with Rosie? Showing support? Yeah? Hey, who gives a shit?

CNN took precious resources from their round the clock coverage of Gerald Ford being dead to report to us all that in the Donald Trump/ Rosie O'Donnell feud, Barbara Walters is gonna back up Rosie. Awesome. Is the war over? Was Osama found? No? Great, call me when one of these a-holes cuts or F's the other.

By the way CNN, thanks for putting that “story highlights” section in, you know so I don't have to read the whole story- I can skim it, you know so my time isn't, you know, wasted.


Osama Bin Laden, (not pictured) still on lose.

What Sucks...The Smiling Mugshot


Hey a-hole, you were just arrested, what are you smiling at?

Of the many items inside the giant bag of poop set on fire and left on our doorsteps by 2006, not the least shitty was the emergence of the smiling, (or in some cases, smirking) mug-shot.

I’m not looking for a throwback to simpler times, but how bout we go back to the era where people we’re ashamed of getting a mug shot? These things are supposed to be unpleasant, your picture is being taken to be put in a book of other a-holes, don’t fix your hair, fix your life.



Is this a fallout from the Nick Nolte thing? People want to look good as they are being brought into jail?



No more smiling or smirking. That’s why my hat’s off to Rip Torn. He looks fucking miserable, and he should.