Thursday, December 20, 2007

What Sucks News…Iowa Republicans Weigh Which Religious Lunatic To Vote For

Dateline Iowa. With the Iowa Republican Caucus a just 3 weeks away, GOP voters across the state seem to have narrowed their choices down to 2 religious wackos. Just which psychopath they will ultimately chose however, remains to be seen.

Said one Iowa Republican, “I really dig Mike Huckabee and the fact he thinks the Earth is only 2000 years old, however, you ALSO have Romney and the whole thing where he thinks the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. This one’s going down to the wire.”

Many feel Huckabee has the momentum, what with a recent Christmas themed TV ad in which a bookshelf behind him turns into a flaming cross. For his part, Huckabee claims the floating, flaming cross was not planted in the commercial, and is merely a case of people looking too much into the ad. Will it be enough to overcome Romney’s believing a dude named “Joe Smith” was a prophet? And will it be able to overshadow the fact that Joseph Smith claimed to look into a hat while wearing “magic spectacles” to read the scripts of his faith? Only time will tell.

Huckabee, who is fond of telling people he was once fat, and uses his weight loss as a qualification for President (setting the stage for a Jared From Subway, Star Jones ticket in 2012), has vaulted in the polls lately. Many attribute his climb to him sticking by a statement he made in 1992 that people with AIDS should basically be quarantined, a statement made 8 years after it was determined that AIDS was not transferable through casual contact. He is also in a covenant marriage, whatever the hell that means. Oh, and apparently, his kid tortured and killed a cat once.

Romney for his part, wears special underwear that serves to remind him of God and is in a church that didn’t allow African Americans in it till 1979- a fact you see brought up often by people other than African Americans.


tex martini said...

I may be drunk, but douche-cision is the funniest line of the week.

frenchtoast said...

What is Mitt Romney's first name anyway, it's driving me nuts! I think it might be Mittens.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Huckleberry can save his criminal - dog abusing - obese psychotic son?

Give us all a sign - save your fucked up kid!

Maybe he can save Mitt - and turn him into a human -instead of a wax museum character.

C'mon Huck -give us a miracle --eat some live snakes or somethin?