Friday, December 21, 2007

What Sucks...Bad Guys In Movies Who Aren't Really Bad: Ebenezer Scrooge

An Open Letter To Bob Cratchet:

Okay, I’m sorry, I just basically was under the impression that I was running a company here and that you worked for me. I was under the impression that I was paying you for a service that Bob Cratchet was rendering. Perhaps I should shut my business down to celebrate the birthday of the son of an invisible man, who was born in a manger- of a woman immaculately concepted. Perhaps I’ve been worry about the wrong things. Maybe our rent will be paid by God after he finds out how “into his son’s birthday” we were. Oh yes, I can see it now, we have no worries at all.

Yours in Christ,

Ebenezer Scrooge

P.S. When your son says “God bless us, everyone.”, he’s also talking about me, cause I gave you the money you used to buy him a crutch.

P.S.S. F the homeless!

NOTE: will be back after Christmas, so have a happy holiday and try not to hit yourself in the privates.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

What Sucks News…Iowa Republicans Weigh Which Religious Lunatic To Vote For

Dateline Iowa. With the Iowa Republican Caucus a just 3 weeks away, GOP voters across the state seem to have narrowed their choices down to 2 religious wackos. Just which psychopath they will ultimately chose however, remains to be seen.

Said one Iowa Republican, “I really dig Mike Huckabee and the fact he thinks the Earth is only 2000 years old, however, you ALSO have Romney and the whole thing where he thinks the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. This one’s going down to the wire.”

Many feel Huckabee has the momentum, what with a recent Christmas themed TV ad in which a bookshelf behind him turns into a flaming cross. For his part, Huckabee claims the floating, flaming cross was not planted in the commercial, and is merely a case of people looking too much into the ad. Will it be enough to overcome Romney’s believing a dude named “Joe Smith” was a prophet? And will it be able to overshadow the fact that Joseph Smith claimed to look into a hat while wearing “magic spectacles” to read the scripts of his faith? Only time will tell.

Huckabee, who is fond of telling people he was once fat, and uses his weight loss as a qualification for President (setting the stage for a Jared From Subway, Star Jones ticket in 2012), has vaulted in the polls lately. Many attribute his climb to him sticking by a statement he made in 1992 that people with AIDS should basically be quarantined, a statement made 8 years after it was determined that AIDS was not transferable through casual contact. He is also in a covenant marriage, whatever the hell that means. Oh, and apparently, his kid tortured and killed a cat once.

Romney for his part, wears special underwear that serves to remind him of God and is in a church that didn’t allow African Americans in it till 1979- a fact you see brought up often by people other than African Americans.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

What Sucks…Lynne Spears As A Mom

Jamie Lynn prego, Britney well, herself- what a red-letter day for white trash in America as Lynne Spears makes a late push for Mom Of The Year.

I think we all owe Dina Lohan an apology. And Kathy Hilton. And maybe Jeffrey Dahmer’s mom too. And whoever raises badgers. Wow. 16 years old, with a live in boyfriend and a bun in the oven. It’s impressive when you can bring shame to your family when your older sister is Britney Spears. Seriously, when someone in this family acts out for attention, they really want some friggin’ attention.

By the way, memo to guys having sex with the Spears girls- USE A CONDOM! This family is fertile, I understand Sean Preston is involved in a paternity suit that starts next week.

In the meantime, please do the right thing and cut and paste the following into an email, and send it off as soon as you can to

Dear Dina Lohan:

I am sorry for thinking you were the worst mother of all time. Yes, you party with your daughter and revel in her spotlight, relentlessly sending her out into the Hollywood night to bring home your coke money, and yes you publicly use her as a pawn in the fight against your ex-husband, and yes you derive your income from the work she does, but at least you didn’t raise someone who would marry K Fed AND someone else who is pregnant at 16.

Please accept this apology and forward this to Paris Hilton’s and Nicole Ritchie’s mom when you’re done with it.

Respectfully Yours,

PS Special thanks to Steve for the cool graphic.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What Sucks...The FCC!

This is long, but interesting and a pretty good example of how the FCC sucks.

(Don't worry, I'll be right back with something stupid and inane....)

Monday, December 17, 2007

What Sucks...Tony Romo

Absolutely, no credit. None. As a matter of fact, you’re a disgrace.

You bring Jessica Simpson to a game where she wears a pink Cowboy jersey with your number on it, then you go 13 for 36 and throw 3 interceptions in a 10-6 loss against the Eagles at home? Do you have any idea how weak that is? Am I supposed to be impressed you’re with Jessica Simpson? You are the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys! You’ve sullied the ring of honor that encircles that stadium. Do you think Roger Staubach would ever, in a million years bring Jessica Simpson to a game? He’s Roger Fucking Staubach, he went to Navy and won Super Bowl 6 and 11 for Christsakes, she fucked Nick Lachey.

That is some seriously sorry shit. Tom Landry once walked that field- Mike Ditka and Randy White wore that jersey, now you have a moron who dated John Mayer wearing it?

Would Troy Aikman ever pull this shit? The guy dated Sandra Bullock and that was back when that shit meant something!

The Cowboys are done. Put a fork in them. Craig Morton wouldn't pull that shit.

Friday, December 14, 2007

What Sucks...Alvin And The Chipmonks, Although I’ll Never See It

NOTE: I have not, nor will I ever see this movie.

There are two things I am sure of right now, one- this movie sucks, and two- I will never see it. Holy Zack Braff what a piece of garbage this thing is.

Why make it? I mean when you see a poster for “Alvin and the Chipmunks”, do you look to your friend, family member or spouse and say “Finally.”? I don’t even think you do if you’re one of the people who holds the copyright to Alvin and the Chipmunks. I don’t even think you do that if you hold the publishing rights to the song “My Friend the Which Doctor”.

Who out there is looking for this film to be made? Why make it?

Have CGI versions of vaguely popular characters from the past, interacting with live action humans been a formula for success in film? What pictures of who naked does the guy from “Garfield: A Tail Of Two Kitties”, who directed this thing, have?

All “The Chipmunks” are, is someone singing on a record, but the record is played at a faster speed. If as a child your parents (wisely) wouldn’t buy you an Alvin and the Chipmunks’ album (why the hell would you want one?) all you had to do was take any existing record you had, and pay it at a faster speed. There, you had Alvin and the Chipmunks. Want to hear them playing “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates? Play “Rich Girl” at a faster speed. Ha, ha. Funny. Now get ready to sit through an entire movie about it.

Does Jason Lee owe money all over town? And apparently David Cross is in it too. Someone pay off these guys gambling debts!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

What Sucks…Baseball!

Sure just about every major league player ended up on the Mitchell list of baseball players who took ‘roids, but the news isn’t all bad.

These guys never touched performance enhancing drugs! Some of our heroes HAVEN’T let us down! Click on the link to see their amazing stats! Baseball is back everybody, and with heroes like this- it’s here to stay!

Way to go Toby Hall!

And you too Adam Everett!

And you, Dioner Navarro!

Nice job John McDonald- kids will totally look up to you and your, great batting average*.

*denotes considering you didn’t take drugs.

And YOU Wes Helms, great job!

And veteran Rich Aurilia- hats off to you!

You too, Jason LaRue, you didn’t hit Delta Burke’s weight, but at least you didn’t take drugs!

Yeah Adam Kennedy!

And some guy named Nelson Cruz!

The only list these guys will end up on, is a list of new heroes, (who all bat around .240).

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

What Sucks…The Miserable Existence Of Ziggy


Get ready for the “Comic Strip Character Found Dead From Self Inflicted Gun Shot Wound, Bottle Of Pills Found Nearby, Too Difficult For Him To Open” headlines that should start to flood our newspapers any day.

Here are the past 5 days of Ziggy. Holy shit does life use that guy as a bedpan.

String these together and look at them very fast and you have the prequel to “Falling Down”.

Just to point out something here, in this one, his reflection literally calls in sick!

What the fuck does this lady care if Ziggy doesn’t have any coupons? If he wants to pay full price, let him! Doesn't it make her job easier?

Clearly Cablevision is not above taunting this guy into depression. Thank G-d these comics are only one frame, reading frame two, where Ziggy calls a suicide prevention hotline, and three, where they try and taunt him into offing himself, would get tiresome after a while.

Can’t wait for tomorrow’s strip where Ziggy mistakes a plugged in iron for a phone and burns his face off.

Monday, December 10, 2007

What Sucks...Jennifer Love Hewitt

All right…

You’re a crappy actress then!

And a crappy singer!
You dated Carson Daly- publicly and for a long time!
You made the same movie twice- I Know What You Did Last Summer, and then it’s sequel “I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer”, which should have been called “I Know What You Did 2 Summers Ago”
You were in Garfield AND Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties! Where you did not even do justice to the great character of Liz!
You were in “Tuxedo”!
You flaunted your boobs from the moment “Party of Five” started to the closing credits of the last episode of Ghost Whisperer, a show whose message seems to be, “Ghosts love tits”!

So you won’t shut me up. You have to answer for your sins.

Keep calling her fat! Clearly, we are getting to her.

Now, join me in starting another campaign, calling Brooke Hogan a Hulk Hogan look-alike- oh wait, already started that…

Friday, December 07, 2007

What Sucks...Mo Cap Men- The Final Installment...for now

Posting this on December 7th, this webisode will live in infamy!

Click on this thing often, see what commenters on Gametrailers are calling "LOL".

Thursday, December 06, 2007

What Sucks…I’m not sure you heard me…

Brooke Hogan looks like a man. And…nothing from you people?

No comments on me saying if you find her hot you’d probably want to “do it” with the Hulkster?

No response from me mentioning that if you’re into her, you probably wouldn’t mind being wrapped in “Hulk-A-Mania” rocked to sleep?

No one has anything to say about the fact that I’m saying, if you want to “tap” Brooke Hogan, you probably wouldn’t mind “being tapped” by the star of “No Holds Barred”.

Wake up readers- never before has this blog been so cutting edge, so with its finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist like this! Weigh in! Tell me what you think- fill the comments section up!

Doing it with Brooke Hogan must be like doing it with Hulk Hogan!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

What Sucks...The Bachelor, Brooke Hogan, King Solomon and GTA4: Quick Hits!

…The Bachelor

The Bachelor didn’t pick a winner this time which leads to an interesting question- the Bachelor is still on TV? By the way, this is metaphor meeting reality- there are no winners on the Bachelor-everyone loses, and now, there is LITERALLY no winner- someone check on the Space/Time Continuum.

…Brooke Hogan

Look, I don’t want to be catty or mean but look at this picture. Yuck. I’m gonna make it as clear as I can for you. You show me a guy who finds Brooke Hogan hot and I’ll show you a dude who would fuck the Hulkster.

…King Solomon

People say this guy was wise? He almost cut a baby in half! Wise? How bout homicidal? What, in 2000 years are people going to be talking about the "wisdom of Dahmer"?

…The Delays on Video Game Releases

GTA 4 is now pushed back to Spring of 08’? What the hell is taking so long? Is this thing taking place in Liberty City or on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Hey Rockstar, they’re hookers, not Mona Lisa’s!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What Suck...Aquaman

AUTHOR’S NOTE: In comedy, there are a million stories about Aquaman, this is just one of them.

Aquaman has to have the easiest Super-Hero gig by far. Superman and Batman are out there busting their asses, saving the world, Aquaman is dealing with “sea crime”.

There has to be weeks where he’s doing nothing. Just hours of monitoring Coast Guard scanners, settling disputes between fish- telling hip-hop stars who have parties on yachts to turn down their music. It’s total bullshit.

I can see him too, sitting on the couch at the Hall of Justice, watching TV- catching up on season 4 of “The Wire”- Batman and Robin have only seen a few episodes from season one- and the phone rings… “Hello? Ma’am? Yes…yes…please relax Miss…let me ask you a questions...does this have anything to do with the sea? No? Okay, maam, please, I’m going to put you on hold.”

Every once in a while I’m sure he had to go out and fight land crime. Like some bank was being robbed, some criminal had a gun to the head of a hostage…

"I want a million dollars in unmarked bills and a helicopter to take me to the airport!”

"All right, we’ll get you I'll have your money in a few minutes, but you're gonna have to give me a little time to get those speed boats for you."


“Now listen up, I’m gonna need you to show me an act of good faith before I can get those two giant sea horses here for you.”

"Who the fuck is that? Aquaman? Can I get a REAL Super-hero, please?”

Back at the Hall of Justice, Batman is getting bandaged up, Aquaman is talking about the continued drop in “open ocean piracy”.

The guy carries a trident for Christ-sakes.

Monday, December 03, 2007

What Sucks...Mo Cap Men- Me, In Another Episode of a Web Series I Wrote!

Episode 5- Crescent Blue.

The guys talk about a game THEY'RE developing, in which to play, you must give birth to yourself.

Come see what all the fuss is about, and by "fuss" I mean this blog posting!

Click alot!