Tuesday, November 20, 2007

What Sucks...Detroit


Congratulations, criminals of Detroit!

The FBI, (Federal Bureau of Investigations, NOT Female Body Inspectors) named Detroit “America’s Most Dangerous City” today. Incidentally, Female Body Inspectors once again named Anchorage, Alaska in its top slot. (There’s a small amount of women in Alaska, compared to that of men so it’s hard to inspect any bodies without causing trouble.) Detroit finished second- you can get shot for just about anything there.

Rounding out the top 5 are…

St. Louis.

Last year’s champ, St. Louis is here mainly due to “East” St. Louis, which, if you are not familiar with, is depicted beautifully in the film “Vacation”, more specifically, in the “Roll ‘em up!” scene. Chevy Chase asks for directions back to the highway and is then told “Fuck Yo’ Mama!” To which he replies “Thank you very much!”. That's in East St. Louis!

Coming in 3rd? Flint, Michigan.
Apparently, the vacation home for Detroit criminals. Here’s all you need to know about Flint. Ever notice that when Michael Moore makes a film, he is immediately attacked by people who question his facts? Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 9-11, Sicko- his films are constantly under the microscope- EXCEPT when he’s talking about Flint. No one has a problem with Roger and Me. “Pet or Food” is rated in the "Flint Zagots" for Christsakes. Seriously, Flint landing number three here is quite a coup- I mean, what is left to steal? What a shithole.

Number 4: Oakland.
For anyone who has wanted to visit San Francisco, but found it too expensive to fly directly into San Fran, and chose to fly into Oakland instead, well, you really learn the value of the 120 bucks you save, don’t you? I understand the Oakland city council is considering a gang tax.

Number 5: Camden, NJ.
The crime rate in Camden has been so high, for so long that if you’re reading this from Camden, hey, stop stealing this computer!

But today is all about Detroit. Personally, I thought you should have had the title years ago when people were assaulted WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME, BY AN NBA TEAM!

Don't rest on your laurels, Detroit. Plenty of cities will be gunning for you. Good thing, you have so many guns.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

awesome