Monday, September 10, 2007

What Sucks…Taking The Bus Part 2: The Long Haul


Q: How do you make any bus trip worse?

A: Put a bathroom on it.

If you’ve never taken a long trip on a bus, to get the idea of what it’s all about, all you need do is watch the “bus scenes” in the final episode of MASH. Yes, that particular bus is in Korea, but other than that, it’s pretty dead on. You have people there who don’t speak English, they are confused, injured, often holding chickens, and sometimes, yes, killing babies.

It’s a wonder, coming off a long bus trips, more of us are not institutionalized like Hawkeye was “Goodbye, Farewell, Amen”. By the way, the one impression I do, is Alan Alda, in the final MASH, crying and yelling at Sydney the psychiatrist. It’s uncanny and you must see it live. Anyway…

There is much to hate about the bus. There are the few stops the bus makes to gas up- usually in very, very small towns. I personally rode a bus from Austin to Wichita once and where the bus gassed up was a town so small, that when I went to purchase a soda, and handed the guy behind the counter a “5”, he took it from me and held it up to the light. I guess they were getting a lot of fake ½ sawbucks at the time.

One time I opened my laptop and my Airport system told me none of my trusted networks were available and should it attempt to enter the “2 kids across the street playing telephone with tin cans connected by rope.” It actually said that, I know. Amazing.

I don’t want to say the people who ride the bus are shady, but recent statistics say riding a bus you are 23 percent more likely to sit next to a felon than if you visit someone in jail. Apparently in jail, sometimes the guy didn’t do it.

Bus stations just add to the flavor. Something about a bus station at night- no matter where you are in the country- makes you ask – “is this where Stephen King comes when he has writer’s block?”

The bus- sucks.


Anonymous said...

I wish you and all who commented on this Bus shit be strapped into a Greyhound and run off a cliff(including Mrs Bandit)

They should just deliver anyone who gets on a bus to an extermination depot - and crime would drop fifty percent!

Herman Goering - Pres. -Amtrack USA

Anonymousfornow said...

Anonymous, you don't know what you're talking about--I'd like to strap you to a bus.

Chris, I'd like to hear your Alan Alda.

Anonymous said...

Hey, writing for Ferguson 'Cadey' (as he pronounced 'Carey' on Drew Carey show). Not only did I grow up in D Carey's neighborhood, a great place for comedy and pathos, but I also thought I pioneered talking about bus trips from hell.. (see . I took one to Yellowstone Park from Cleveland. See my radio show: princess (day jobs) AND I SAID THAT ABOUT THE MASH EPISODE WHEN I WAS ON THE BUS IN 2005! why are people so loud on buses?? In-con-siderates, desperate for attention.. hey, we don't care, and the louder you talk, the more we don't care.