Friday, August 31, 2007

What Sucks...Quick Hits: Government Douchebags

...Larry Craig

So after this has happened for like the 20th time, you know the ardent “anti-gay” politician turning out to be well, really, really gay, can’t we all just now assume if you’re really into anti-gay legislation that you’re, you know, gay? Kind of like the whole _________ (fill in the blank with a classic gay stereotype) thing? (I’ll chose “show tunes”!) Does this have to happen again? I mean how many dudes dug Joan Crawford before it was code for, you know, being gay.

Also, the whole “Why do these gay guys keep sticking their dicks in my mouth?” defense, as seen above, is just plain sad.

…Alberto Gonzales

Even for a lawyer, Alberto Gonzales makes for a very special douchebag. Everything from his alleged (and by alleged I mean factual) encounter with an equally douchey but half passed out John Ashcroft in the hospital (trying to get him to sign off on illegal wire taps), to his calling of the Geneva Convention “quaint”, to his really, really, really shitty memory blows.

…Karl Rove

A super-hero in douchiness, the scope of his suck offenses will reverberate for decades, I’d crash the internet if I listed them all here but it should be pointed out that this “perj-aholic” is kinda responsible for Alberto Gonzales going away, you know by ordering that he fire US Attorneys for political reasons, so thanks.

...Nouri al-Maliki

Hey asshole, how bout a little less bitching and whining about the US and a little more “not going on vacation for the month of August while we have guys in your country tip toeing around IED’s". By the way, I'm playing a drinking game where I do a shot every time your government falls short of a benchmark, and I'm fucking shit-faced right now. (and yes, being in a dysfunctional government, qualifies you for this list)

…George W. Bush

Feel like I’m a little late to the party in addressing this, but I thought I imagined it, turns out it happened…

Did this a-hole use a Vietnam comparison as an argument to STAY in Iraq?

Wow. That is serious balls.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

What Sucks…Axl Rose

F Axl Rose.

Little background here- I was thumbing through a recent Rolling Stone- not last week’s certain Pulitzer Prize winning edition with the kid from High School Musical on it, nor was it this week’s follow up with Maroon 5 on the cover, both of which reminds me…

What Sucks…Rolling Stone Sucks.

Hey Rolling Stone, WTF?!!

…it was the one from 3 weeks ago with the cover story- Appetite For Destruction turns twenty. (TWENTY, Jesus!) On the cover? Guns N’ (Fucking) Roses in all their glory.

Say what you will about G&R now with 20 years gone by since they burst onto the scene- the excess, the hair, Slash’s hat- but let me remind you that today, we have The Shins, so it’s okay to be nostalgic for rock bands that were all about having sex with girls (and mainlining heroin).

That being said, reading this article, G&R is a band who’s Appetite For Destruction came complete with real woman’s orgasm sounds (Sweet Child O’ Mine) that were actually coming from an encounter between the singer and the drummer’s girlfriend. That’s freaking rock and roll.

The point? “F” Axl Rose. This insane a-hole paralyzed and dismantled a kick-ass band capable of Zeppelin- esque overindulgence for no other reason than that he is bat shit crazy. Just look at what’s transpired in the intervening years. Axl went bald and got bad hair plugs, recorded or at least tried to record a note for note remake of Appetite For Destruction, toured with a band called “Guns N Roses” in which he was the only real member and worked on an album called “Chinese Democracy” which is longer in the works than actual Chinese democracy.

So yeah, maybe Guns ‘N Roses sputter out weakly on their own- and sure, it certainly seemed like they were on their way out- but that decision should be made by the Gods of Rock and Roll and their servants named drugs and booze- not some fake tanned wacko with dreadlock plugs.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

What Sucks...Conservative Republican Scorecard

It's getting difficult to keep track so...

These Guys Are Gay:

Former Florida Rep. Mark Foley

Ted Haggard (also into Meth.)

Bob Allen (Rep. Florida, former co-chair McCain Campaign, tried to blow a guy because he was afraid of him because he was black)

Larry Craig (Senator, Idaho)

These Guys Are Into Hookers:

Randall L. Tobias (AIDS czar who denounces the role of condoms in preventing transmission of AIDS)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter (and his pissed-off wife)

Hope that makes things easier to follow for you.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

What Sucks...Our Nation's Supply of Maps (and Miss South Carolina)


For those of you who can't get through this video, here's the transcipt....
...I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and that I believe that our education such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.

She was a finalist! No one outside of New Jersey, North Carolina, Colorado and West Virgina should be laughing.

By the way, she's right about South Africa.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

What Sucks…Sex Between Dogs

Sex can be a beautiful thing. But not with dogs.

I’ve often wondered why it was I always felt uncomfortable upon seeing dogs “do it”. At first, I looked inward. Was it me? Did I have some sort of deeply buried self-loathing, an insecurity with respect to intimacy I was projecting on nature? After much thought, the answer is “No.” I just get uncomfortable witnessing rape.

If I’m the only one with the courage to say it, so be it- dogs have sex in a jarring, disturbing manner. I will no longer sit back and pretend they don’t.

Now, am I calling all dog sex rape? Pretty much.

I know it may be hard to handle for some of you, that at the end of that leash you’re towing around to various dog runs is a rapist, but let’s face it, if you’re dog is part pit-bull, mastiff or rottweiler it’s the product of rape. And by rape I mean, the female dog mating with the above dogs, or any dog above 65 pounds for that matter, pretty much has no choice in the matter.

For many of you out there with the courage to see the truth, it is not news that dogs “do it” without love. Lady and the Tramp is a cartoon folks, there is no Italian dinner, no rolling of a meatball with a snout. In real life, that scene couldn’t be shown in a kid’s movie.

Male dogs are horny animals who I have personally seen go to town on a blanket, couch or leg- with the same concern they’ve gone to town with on a female dog, or a bitch.

Bob Barker was right. Sure, publicly he said he wanted to control the pet population, but privately, come on, is it really that hard to believe he thought dogs do it “gross”?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What Sucks…The All-Bran 10 Day Challenge Commercial

Hey All-Bran, we get it, your cereal will make us shit!

Stop being so subtle with your visual imagery, okay? Look, I'm all for commercials that are not boring, but do they have to have visual metaphors that evoke shitting?

Where’s the scene where the cement truck grunts and shoots cement out of its ass?


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What Sucks...Weirdo Radio Host John DePetro: Perv Watch V.11

How much of a perv is radio host John DePetro? Can he make more awkward mentions of porn in this MSNBC interview segment?

Take a look at it, (it’s long, so please if you’re driving, pull over- DePetro’s stuff starts at 1:31).

Seriously, who’s the perv here? Go ahead and work “Throbbing Hood” or “City Lickers” into a statement as many times as this guy does without feeling like you need to take a shower. He makes Ron Jeremy, a guy who you could google and find a picture of sucking his own dick, look like a Lincoln-esque debater.

John DePetro is a radio host? What is the show about, porn?

In a related story, there’s a 24 hour news channel called MSNBC?

John DePero, perv.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

What Sucks...Most Things Having To Do With Mines

Mines suck. Hard. And it seems every day a new tragedy surrounding mines hits the news. When I began writing this posting, I had in mind the story of how three RESCUE workers died trying to save 6 trapped miners in Utah. Before I was able to post, news broke of 180 miners in China, feared dead, trapped in a mine due to a flood.

Mine tragedies are literally occurring faster than I can react to them. I apologize in advance to any one I fail to mention who should find themselves trapped in a mine, in the time it takes me to type and my internet browser to refresh itself.

Mines are one of those things that not only suck, but manage to make everything associated with them suck as well. Kind of like that Dolan guy who owns the Knicks or adult contemporary music. .

Mines blow so bad that, in my estimation the last good thing associated with them that wasn’t involved with a rescue of someone trapped in one, was the film “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, which was released in 1978 AND was not exactly good PR for mines. That’s 31 years in between something remotely good for mines, which is a while. As a matter of fact, currently “Coal Miner’s Daughter” # 3 on the list of “good things” having to do with mines- #2 is the mining helmet, (the ones with the lights on them, which come on, are pretty cool) and #1 is a poster of a hot chick in a bikini, wearing a mining helmet.

Here’s a short list of things associated with mines. Tell me they don’t suck.

People who own mines.
Mimes (note: sometimes if you say “mines” you may be mistaken for saying for “mimes”, which also suck.)
Black lung disease.
Those metal cart things that run on tracks.
Coal as a source of energy with regard to its impact on the environment.
The term “Clean Coal”.

* denotes when they collapse
** denotes when they do not collapse

Please stay out of mines. You’ll be glad you did.

Friday, August 17, 2007

What Sucks...Hoboken Comedy Experiment TONIGHT!

If you're in Hoboken this Monday, come on down to yet another of the revolutionary, mind blowing, Hoboken changing editions of "The Hoboken Comedy Experiment".

And be our cool friend at

This week we have the hilarious...

Ritch Duncan
Alison Forns
Greg Johnson
Brandy & Sara
Ryan Reiss

And of course Hoboken "Almost Celebrity" Adam Wade

And the great Susie Felber back to Live-Blog the event.

Plus, we're giving away a bike. Yes, a bike!

Check it out- we're at the Goldhawk on 10th and Park.

At 9:00 PM

And the show is free!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper

The reaper took beloved Yankee shortstop and broadcaster Phil Rizzuto today at the age of 89.

What can you say? Having the Scoter do Yankee games was like having an uncle on the air, doing the play by play. Absentmindedly watching Yankee telecasts, calling people “huckleberries”, warning of the dangers of lightening and hurrying out of the booth during the 7th inning, to beat the traffic and get across the GW Bridge, Phil Rizzuto was great.

As a player, he was a Hall of Famer, 8-time World Champion, league MVP in 1950 and 5 time All-Star. He joined the Yanks in 1941, served in the Navy for 3 years during WW2, and left the Yanks as a broadcaster in 1996.

And I’m guessing here, but pretty sure he’s got to be the classiest person ever involved with “The Money Store”.

So, so long Scooter- you’ll be missed, go up to Heaven and get to the bottom of that whole lightening thing.

Monday, August 13, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper

Looks like the reaper was seriously in need of some benign chat this weekend.

Say what you will about Merv and his contributions to our world, no one can deny he made one of the greatest cameo appearances in film history when he revealed himself to be the “elevator killer” in the underrated Steve Martin flick “The Man With Two Brains”.

“I don’t know, I’ve always just loved to kill. I’ve really enjoyed it.” Well Merv, so does the reaper. RIP.

Friday, August 10, 2007

What Sucks...Journey’s “Separate Ways” Video

A few questions, (25) come to mind while watching this thing.

Why the section where the band “air plays” their instruments?
Who in the band knew someone who owned a warehouse down by the wharf?
Why was the only girl they could find in the video a borderline Vicki Lawrence look-a-like?
Why put her in a white pleather jacket?
Why the sleeveless tee-shirt?
Why the extreme Steve Perry close-ups on “I wish you love” at the 2:19 mark?
How long was the dolly track the cameraman used on some of these shots? 30 yards? 40?
Why is there a section in the video where everyone is playing their real instruments, clearly not plugged in, except the drummer who plays a series of metal drums?
Why the keyboard on the wall?
Why do other band members pretend to sing the lead, when it is clearly Steve Perry’s voice?
What is with the “claw-like” hand motion dance the guy in the tweed jacket does right around the 55 second mark?
Why the creative decision to have all 5 band members back to back, standing on a pile of wood? They are all touching. This is around the 1:18 mark.
What’s with the “white guy fro” on the guy in the denim jacket?
Why is this girl just aimlessly walking around a wharf?
Who is the girl at the end of the video, in the bed, clearly it is not the girl in the white jacket, aimlessly walking around the wharf?
Why is this wharf empty except for the rock band Journey, and an early 80’s chick?
Was Steve Perry’s shirt sleeveless to distract from the fact that it has a purple checkerboard pattern on it?
Is it the bassist, or the keyboardist who looks the most like he’s in “Reno 911”?
Doesn’t Randy Jackson always say he was in this band? Where the fuck is he?
What’s up with the van driving by at the 1:37 mark?
Does the drummer have a shirt on that really says “foosball”?
Do you think he was really in the band or just a guy they found on the wharf?
Why is the girl in the white pleather jacket entering a warehouse, anyway (at 1:54)?
Who’s idea was it to chase Steve Perry through the wood platforms?
How is the girl at the end able to sleep if she is listening to the song that we are listening to, and if she’s not listening to that song, why is she wearing head phones to bed?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

What Sucks…Perez Hilton's Early Work

He may be under some scrutiny now for possible copyright violation, but that kind of heat is nothing compared to what Perez Hilton took when he covered Kennedy's assassination.

America had just lost her innocence, Camelot came to a crashing end and I’m not sure it was the right time for this.

Perhaps we weren't ready to laugh yet at pictures of people with spooge drawn on them, or perhaps we were, just as long as it wasn't a young President shot in full view of the world by either the mob, Castro or the CIA.

While we were all probably in agreement that Jackie O was "fierce", there very well could have been a better way of putting it.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

What Sucks...The Lohan V. Britney Race To Death

It's on!

Who will die first!?

Lohan had the early lead but Britney's REALLY flexing the mental instability muscles lately. BUT Lohan treats rehab the way Superman treats the Fortress of Solitude- she emerges from that place and she is re-freaking-energized!

It's anyone's call!

Monday, August 06, 2007

What Sucks...Tornados In Brooklyn

WTF, God!?!

Look, Tornados suck. No doubt. They remind us of the awesome killing power of Mother Nature, who is an underrated bi-otch, and who from time to time sends these fuckers out to flatten America’s trailer parks when she feels they’re getting too big for their britches, but come on- in Brooklyn, they suck even more.

These people are not built for no friggin’ twisters. They can barely handle- depending on what section you’re in- an Ikea opening up, a stroller outside their favorite coffee shop or a black person in their neighborhood. Tornados? Ahem, forget about it.

Having a windstorm smash through your trailer and destroy your house is one thing, but picture the horror of one touching down in Park Slope, sending countless stoop sales flying. The streets would be littered with old dot matrix printers and Edie Brickell CD’s. Good lord, the damage could reach into the “tens of ones”.

So keep the Tornados in the Midwest, it’s one thing to have a cyclone toss your car into a tree, it’s another if that car is a 1999 Infinity G20 with a new stereo system and 24 inch rims.

Friday, August 03, 2007

What Sucks...Elmer Fudd

Normally when it comes to Bugs Bunny fucking with someone, however funny it is, you have to admit, most of the time, Bugs is being an a-hole.

For example, I’m not exactly sure why he messes with Yosemite Sam the way he does. It certainly drives him nuts and while we get good entertainment value out of it, there’s little legit reason Bugs has to antagonize the belligerent Sam. Also, there’s a less than subtle rivalry with Daffy Duck that’s happening that Bugs could certainly defuse if he wanted to. Daffy is insecure and if brought into the group, would quickly fall in line.

However, when it comes to Elmer Fudd, Bugs is definitely in the right. Fudd is a motherfucker.

The guy can’t pronounce an “R” and routinely tries to kill Bugs, paying only cursory attention to whether or not rabbits are even in season- rules other hunters must observe, Fudd thumbs his nose at. He is a danger to himself and others, and consistently causes massive collateral damage in his pursuit of killing one, singular rabbit. Furthermore, it’s only by the grace of God, that he’s not dead himself. His gun misfires, or backfires practically all the time- he could very well have been responsible for the deaths of many innocent people.

Also, I know he’s borderline retarded and all, but it’s a little too easy to trick that guy into dressing as a women. He’s a perv.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

What Sucks Survey: Least Popular Dog Names, 2007

The results are in, the readers have spoken, these are the names you WON'T use to name your dogs!

#5) BetteMidler (4%)

#4) Cancery (11%)

#3) Osama “Bone" Laden (19%)

#2) H-P* (27%)

#1) D.I.L.F (36%)

Receiving less than 2% "Mr. Epstein", "Scott Bakula", "3PO"

The fact that D.I.L.F was even considered, much less won this survey is disturbing, but at least you're saying you WON'T name your dog that.

*denotes: short for “HPV”.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

What Sucks…Breaking- The View Adds Whoopi, Still Sucks.

Dateline: Hell.

CNN is reporting, specifically in the middle of a web-post in which Dick Cheney calls the questioning of Alberto Gonzales a “which hunt”, that Whoppi Goldberg is joining the View.

To repeat: the View, which has given us so much shit (Star Jones, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Rosie O’Donnell, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar) that people forget at one time Lisa Ling was on the show, has hired Whoopi Goldberg to join the cast.

Reaction across the country has been varied with many not giving a shit and others caring, if it’s possible, even less.

“The excitement is at a ‘Maurice Taylor joining the Knicks’ level…” said one bystander who refused to give his name. “…seriously, I could give a shit about it, and it’s kind of bad news.”

“It’s like that time they announced they were replacing the lead on the film XXX with Ice Cube, instead of bringing back Vin Deisel. You want to say ‘Hey, let me stop you right there, I don’t give a fuck.’ But then you realize that they’ve already told you, and that time has been wasted and you won’t have it back. It's a bummer."