Wednesday, July 04, 2007

What Sucks…Hooks For Hands!


Be careful out there!

There’s plenty to be careful out there about- you want to avoid drunks on the road, you want to not exert yourself too much in that game of softball you may play tomorrow, you want to try to not burn your privates on a hibachi- but most of all you want to be as careful as you can around the fireworks.

Why? Because if you become like those people we’ve all been told about or read about who got too close to an M80 or a Blockbuster and you blow up your hand, the ugly truth is that doctors can’t help you. They can just put hooks on your arms where your hands have been.

“Gee thanks doc for these hooks. This is MUCH better. Now I have no hands and scare the shit out of little children. Thanks a lot. Sure you could somehow manage to put a dead puppy on the end of my arms, cause I want everyone to have nightmares.”

Fireworks suck anyway. Seriously, haven’t you seen everything they have to offer already? What new have they come out with? Keep a safe distance and keep your hands! Ever try and touch yourself with hooks?



Yeah, I’m the bad guy from the Fugitive, but those fireworks were great!


Happy 4th. I’ll be back on Monday.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love how this post follows Grimmace.. didn't he lose a bunch of arms? I remember as a kid he had at least 4 arms, maybe 6 and they held milk shakes.

Anonymous said...

You're thinking of Vishnu.

Anonymous said...

I can not believe that the surgeons have never seen Edward Penishands. I feel that the man would have a better quality of life if more doctors watched classic porn.

Anonymous said...

Chris, do not abandon us for your new blog about the nosebleeds. I am a woman and I hate sports. I would perfer of you stick to pop culture and news . I just found this blog and I already feel like you are neglecting your fans. You know how moody women can get especially if they feel neglected.

j said...

I had a friend in college who'd been born missing a hand--thalidomide baby I guess--and there were a few advantages like when nobody had a can opener and he punctured it with the hook, or how he could grab stuff out of the oven without bothering with silly oven mitts...

Anonymous said...

No ovenmits!? Damn, I wish I only had one hand!

Anonymous said...

Mrs. bandit says she would love you even if you had a hook instead of a pecker.

Personally i hope someone puts a sparkler under your balls for the way you have rejected my wife.

the bandit