Tuesday, July 10, 2007

What Sucks… Dwarf Porn Part Two: A “Gateway” Porn


What is our fascination with being entertained by those proportionately smaller than us? From Munchkins to Ooompa Loompas to Ewoks, man has long been amused by dwarves, but where along that line did he say “Hey, the Lollipop Guild is cool and all, but what if they were fucking?!”

Sounds crazy, but dwarf porn does not exist in a vacuum. Someone is driving the industry. But who? To effectively analyze it, one must ask themselves, who benefits from midgets screwing on film?

At first the answers are obvious; makers of novelty, oversized bonnets and rattles…the lingerie divisions of Muldoon’s Big, Tall, Short & Small Clothing Outlets…the J.R.R. Tolkien estate. But upon closer examination, and after learning that most porn versions of “Lord of the Rings” are protected under parody laws, it’s hard to imagine those forces pulling the strings for an entire industry.

The answer becomes more elusive when one realizes that there is no reliable research as to who exactly is buying Dwarf Porn? Is it viewed chiefly by little people? Is it reasonable if you are working in an adult video store and see someone vertically challenged enter, to expect them to go to the dwarf section? Is there even a dwarf section and if you were a little person, would you want to rent a film where someone your size “gets it” from someone two to three times your size? With really low production values? I’m 6’1 and the idea of me watching someone my size getting it from someone who is 12 feet tall is frightening.

So veiled in mystery, and with little to understand, is there any positive to dwarf porn? Don’t be too quick to shake your head “no”.

I have never subscribed to marijuana being a “gateway drug”- a gateway to what? Captain Crunch? But perhaps if we position dwarf porn in a similar way, some good can come from it.

Using adult dwarf videos as a “gateway porn”, we can learn about ourselves and our surroundings with surprising clarity.

In the “dwarf porn as a barometer” model, I hypothesize that someone who would watch dwarf porn, would be, well, a helluva lot more likely to rent, say a “furry” than someone who hasn’t. And finally, if you yourself are viewing some weird-ass porn, and are concerned you could be a perv, ask yourself- “is what I’m watching, freakier than Dwarf Porn?”

If the answer is yes, maybe you shouldn’t be watching it. Or at least you shouldn’t be watching it as much.


Author’s note: I have received a few emails over the past days, and have seen a comment or two, lamenting this series on Dwarf Porn. Perhaps there are some readers who would say “please don’t delve into this as a series”, to them I say respectfully, would you have told a young Carl Bernstein or Bob Woodward the same thing? I urge you to read these pieces and examine some of the most important work I’ve done on this blog and with any luck, and a little help from my readers in nominating me, I will see you at the 2008 Webby's.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

If I owed an adult video store with a dwarf section in it I would put all the dwarf videos on the top shelf.

Anonymous said...

you're sick, anon. Sick.

swandad said...

Just spit out my coffee. Priceless....