Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What Sucks...The Reaper

The reaper takes a three time Super Bowl winner who gave us Joe Montana and the west coast offense, yet Rich Kotite is allowed to roam the earth and apparently eat whatever he wants?

What an asshole.

Also, with the recent taking of Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni, the reaper is on a serious art film auteur kick. Bertolucci better watch his ass.

RIP, "The Genius".

Thursday, July 26, 2007

What Sucks Drinking Games!

Here’s a couple of fun drinking games guaranteed to get you loopy in no time! Here’s how you play:

Take a drink every time…

…President Bush says the phrase “Al Qaeda in Iraq”.

Ah, the new buzz word- you’ll be hammered by the 3rd question of the press conference! Bush Admin Bullshit fun fact: did you know “Al-Qaeda in Iraq” was shortened from the original “Al Qaeda in Iraq…didn’t exist before we invaded the country”?

Knock back a shot whenever…

…Rudy Guiliani says “9-11”.

Seriously, be careful when you play this. Shane McGowan only lasted a few rounds. This can be played whenever Rudy is speaking, but for some reason it’s not as much fun when he’s in front of the 9-11 commission. (Zing Rudy!)

Take a swig whenever…

…an NFL Player is involved in a serious crime.

Chris Chambers was just arrested for DWI the other day, and the NFL named him as a spokesman. Forget about taking on the guards, the next movie featuring an all-prison inmate football team, they take on the Patriots and are favored by 5 and a half!

Pound a beer every time…

…someone on the net or otherwise talks about David Beckham and Posh Spice!

Why do I care they are here? He plays a sport no one watches, where if the ball hits you on the head it DOESN’T make a blooper reel, and she was in a shitty, shitty band 12 years ago, why does this matter?

Have fun and remember- don't drive if you play these games, but if you get someone drunk playing them DO take advantage of them sexually.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

What Sucks...Promises Rehab Center, Volume 3

Worst Rehab Center ever!

The guys in Trainspotting were more under control. By the way, do you know how drunk you have to be to get pulled over in that section of Santa Monica? (The thought occurs to me check out this great blog.)

Order Lohan’s coffin now (size 2)! I honestly can’t believe she outlived Lady Bird Johnson.

What Sucks...The Supreme Court

These douchebags ended their last session on quite a roll. What was the lowlight? Hard to tell, there were many. You had the…

…“Bong Hits 4 Jesus” thing, where, basically, and I’m no lawyer here, some uptight principal didn’t think a huge banner saying “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” being unveiled at as the Olympic Torch passed by was funny. So she had a student take it down and when he refused to tell her whose idea it was to pull the prank in the 1st place, she suspended him for 10 days. Long story short, it became a free speech thing and went all the way up to the Supreme Court, and guess who those cut-ups sided with? Thusly, schools can now tell you to shut up if they think your message (pot is great, funny, etc.) doesn’t jive with theirs (pot is not great nor is it funny, etc.) Don’t think it’s a big deal? Talk to me when an RA shows up at your door to take your “15 Reasons Why Beers Are Better Than Women” poster away. By the way coming in at number 15: You can enjoy a beer all month long. Which is a polite way of saying, beers don’t have periods.

…you also had the huge dump the Supreme Court took on Brown V. Board of Education, while citing Brown V. Board of Education by the way, saying it was unconstitutional to force students of different races to go to school together in Seattle and Kentucky. Where Brown said by definition, if it’s separate, it can’t be equal, the Roberts Court said, yeah, ah, whatever, there is no racism. The ruling is expected to eventually effect many communities across the country, and immediately effect intramural sports in a number of Seattle high schools.

…Don't forget the ruling on abortion the Supreme Court made, without allowing a provision for the mother’s health, therefore making it more difficult to save a woman’s life in a complicated delivery. Being doctors of course, I guess the Supreme Court made the right decision. Oh wait, they ain't doctors.

…finally, you had much of the flawed McCain/Feingold Act thrown out. Granted, this law did not exactly get the job done, but giving corporations even more freedom, if its possible, to own a candidate is a terrible idea, also by defending corporation’s right to free speech- and shitting on a kid who makes a pot joke, kind of tells you the squares are in charge big time.

All in all, these a-holes are making a serious run for “Douches of the Year”, in the category of group or collaboration. And things do not look like they’ll be getting better. For any Dems or moderates or basically anyone other than a neo-con, whom I'm sure read me religiously, out there reading this blog, this is reason enough to electe a democrat for Pres. Justice John Paul Stevens is 84 and hanging on by a thread. The other day in a ruling he sited “someone better get him a blanket because there is a draft in here” and the day before that “old man stink”. I’m saying he’s old- the Court adjourns 20 times a day just for his pee breaks!

Monday, July 23, 2007

What Sucks…Promises Rebab Center, Again

Apparently, the other day Lohan was bragging to friends about walking around naked and “teasing male staff and patients” during her stay at Promises Rehab Center in Malibu.

Now I have no issue with Lohan marching around naked- if that’s what she wants to do before she dies this fall in some drug induced car accident, more power to her.

But Promises Rehab Center, on the other hand, shit. If I’m in college, at this point I’m seriously considering heading there for spring break. It’s already way cooler than any club or bar I’ve been to. What exactly are they promising, the time of your life? I tried to call the president of the place to get their POV, but I couldn’t get through to the ghost of Keith Moon.

Holy shit does this place NOT rehab. Are they just like, “Let’s cut our losses and just teach people to hold their liquor.” I heard 27 percent of graduates go on to get a job in Pete Doherty’s entourage. You know what I am saying? I heard first step in their 12 step program is to “recognize that one can not control one’s addiction or compulsion” and the remaining 11 steps are to “party like it’s 1999.”

Thursday, July 19, 2007

What Sucks…Michael Vick

Here’s the offer that was made to Michael Vick:

You can…

…play the game of football professionally for tons and tons of money.

…make even more money with lucrative product endorsements

…be a beloved celebrity in a major city, looked up to by adults and kids alike.

…not lose your job even though you tried to smuggle weed through an airport.

…not have people sweat it too much after you flip the crowd the bird at a game.

…not be ostracized by the public even though you’re being sued for giving a woman herpes, under the name "Ron Mexico". (scroll down)

All you have to do is not have dogs fight to the death, in the backyard of your mansion. And, if you DO have them fight to the death, at least don't electrocute them, drown them or hang to death.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

What Sucks…Promises Rehab Center

Six days out of her latest stint in rehab, Lohan is now hitting people up for Ecstasy, Britney is apparently about to erupt in another colossal breakdown and the thought occurs, shouldn't someone have to be rehabilitated before you can call yourself a “rehab center”?

I mean otherwise, aren’t you like, just a place where people can crash in between partying their asses off? What promises are being made here? Not to kill anyone’s buzz? I heard the rooms all have mini-bars. I heard instead of 30 day chips, they give out Mardi Gras beads. I'm saying, no one gets rehabbed here! I mean, I heard that to get admitted to the place, you have to be let in by a bouncer! Am I being clear, it is a shitty rehab center!

What Sucks...Hoboken Comedy Experiment Monday July 30th

The Hoboken Comedy Experiment BE OUR MY SPACE FRIEND! is back this Monday with another show featuring some great comics so if you're in Hoboken, come on down.

We have:
Christian Finnegan (Chappelle Show, Best Week Ever, Comedy Central Presents)
Todd Levin (Comedy Central's Premium Blend, The Onion)
Amanda Melson (Comedy Central's Live At Gotham)
Bob Powers (GirlsArePretty.com, author of Happy Cruelty Day)
Andres du Bouchet (Writer, Talk Show With Spike Ferensten)
Peter Kassnove (Hoboken Comedy Experiment, 7/30/07)

Plus there's Hoboken "Almost Celebrity" Adam Wade and, you know, the show is free, so what do you have to lose?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

What Sucks…A Toni Collette Film Festival

Not sure one of these would ever exist, but if it did, Jesus, she’s like the Michael Caine of chick flicks. Look at these titles…

“In Her Shoes”
“Connie and Carla”
“Japanese Story”
“The Hours”
“About A Boy”
“Dinner With Friends”
“Muriel’s Wedding”

Jesus, what a nightmare for the eyes the films of this women are for males. Put it this way, if they were going to have a “Toni Collette Section” at your local Blockbuster, it would be in the woman’s bathroom.

And sure, I’ll give you “Little Miss Sunshine” it’s a solid flick, even though it’s hard to call that a “Toni Collette Movie”- I’m not giving you “The 6th Sense”- and I’m sorry, “Clockwatchers” is an indie chick flick- it was just recently replaced in the Oxygen movie rotation by “The Banger Sisters”.

Jesus, she’s such a wet towel, she’s not even a gay icon.

Monday, July 16, 2007

What Sucks…Trick Birthday Candles


Oh my god, you’ve really out done yourself this time. I mean “wow”. I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, then these CRAZY candles just “relight” out of nowhere and I have to blow them out again? And then they relight AGAIN? They won’t be blown out? Holy crap. Oh my goodness, my sides hurt. I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe.

You know what else is funny, the lonely lives of adults who put these candles on the cakes of children. What, there can’t be a SINGLE moment where kids can forget that adults are totally in control of every move they make? Adults have to control birthday candles too? Will you control our wishes also? Cause I just wished everyone at this party will leave so I can cut myself to see if I can still feel.

NOTE: Many thanks to the very brave and courageous 11 year-old Gus Hickey for his submission to What-Sucks, “Trick Birthday Candles”. This essay will also be included in the upcoming essay collection, “Everything You Did Was Wrong, Dad" Penguin Books.

Friday, July 13, 2007

What Sucks…Miss New Jersey’s “Blackmail” Pics


This is what you were worried about? Are you shitting me? Having some dude playfully bite you on your boob, over your shirt? Paris Hilton’s communion pictures are worse (she's blowing a priest). Who’s blackmailing you with this, someone in the Taliban?

Wasn’t Miss USA caught snorting coke off the 9-11 flag while getting anal? Worst blackmail scandal ever!

What Sucks Bonus…Whoever The Guy Who’s Blackmailing Miss New Jersey Is

You are a shitty blackmailer. This is the best you can do? This girl is from JERSEY! There’s got to be some better shots out there. What, are you trying to out her as being boring?

Ooh- how hot, a girl holding pumpkins over her boobs, OVER her sweater. This is supposed to be offensive? Who am I, Linus van Pelt*?

*denotes Linus van Pelt worshiped the Great Pumpkin, and would therefore be offended that someone would put pumpkins over their tits.**

**denotes, yeah I explained that joke.

Coming next week- part 3 of What Sucks...Dwarf Porn- an actual interview with a Dwarf Porn star!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

What Sucks…Bad Guys From Movies Who Aren’t Really Bad: The Rodeo Drive Salespeople From “Pretty Woman”

So, I’m running a very high-end store on Rodeo Drive, in Beverly Hills, and a hooker walks in, wearing cut off jeans and thigh high whore boots, tells me she needs to “browse”, and I’m an asshole for throwing her out.

No, by all means, stay hooker. Stay in my $50 grand a month boutique and by all means, you know, make yourself at home. As a matter of fact, blow someone. Cause I’M a total douchebag for wanting you to leave.

I should absolutely let someone who gets paid to have sex with strangers, with her tits hanging out no less, walk around in my store. There’s no way you have a criminal record. Oh and, absolutely there is no doubt in my mind that my other customers, many of whom are decent, hardworking people, will have any problem shopping with a whore. Yeah, I think I read in Forbes last week that when given a choice of shopping at a place where whores walk freely, and one that keeps whores out, they chose night walkers every time.

Oh and you’re right, the next day, by all means bring your John into the store and have him be indignant when an entirely new group of salespeople aren’t swarming all over him with helpful service. Pardon them if initially they seemed to be shy, it’s just that they didn’t know exactly what you wanted to buy, because, well, we don’t sell syringes.

What’s that you say, sir? There’s not enough “sucking up”? Well, you’re the nicest “trick” we’ve had here all day.

Oh, You’re going to be spending an “obscene amount of money”? Well, sir, you’re with a hooker but not all of us have a price. Please leave before I call the police.

Here's roughly how the scene goes the next day when Vivian goes back to the original store:

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me? You wouldn't wait on me. Do you work on commission?



Big mistake. Huge.

Here's how it should have gone.

WHORE: I was here yesterday, do you remember me?

SALESWOMAN: Oh yeah, the whore? Can you please leave. Are you about to ask me if I work on commission? The answer is yes, but you see if I had you in the store, no matter how much I would have made on your sale, I would have lost regular customers because they probably would have thought we're the type of store that let's people who "cut" other people shop here. You see, I have to clear a certain amount a month to keep this place going, so one relatively big pay day, is not worth sacrificing the reputation of this store. You'll see, Larry Miller's store will lose a little business in the short term, but he's a franchise, so maybe he can afford that. We're a small business. And even on Rodeo Drive, we can't. Here's a number where you can get some counseling. Good luck.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

What Sucks… Dwarf Porn Part Two: A “Gateway” Porn

What is our fascination with being entertained by those proportionately smaller than us? From Munchkins to Ooompa Loompas to Ewoks, man has long been amused by dwarves, but where along that line did he say “Hey, the Lollipop Guild is cool and all, but what if they were fucking?!”

Sounds crazy, but dwarf porn does not exist in a vacuum. Someone is driving the industry. But who? To effectively analyze it, one must ask themselves, who benefits from midgets screwing on film?

At first the answers are obvious; makers of novelty, oversized bonnets and rattles…the lingerie divisions of Muldoon’s Big, Tall, Short & Small Clothing Outlets…the J.R.R. Tolkien estate. But upon closer examination, and after learning that most porn versions of “Lord of the Rings” are protected under parody laws, it’s hard to imagine those forces pulling the strings for an entire industry.

The answer becomes more elusive when one realizes that there is no reliable research as to who exactly is buying Dwarf Porn? Is it viewed chiefly by little people? Is it reasonable if you are working in an adult video store and see someone vertically challenged enter, to expect them to go to the dwarf section? Is there even a dwarf section and if you were a little person, would you want to rent a film where someone your size “gets it” from someone two to three times your size? With really low production values? I’m 6’1 and the idea of me watching someone my size getting it from someone who is 12 feet tall is frightening.

So veiled in mystery, and with little to understand, is there any positive to dwarf porn? Don’t be too quick to shake your head “no”.

I have never subscribed to marijuana being a “gateway drug”- a gateway to what? Captain Crunch? But perhaps if we position dwarf porn in a similar way, some good can come from it.

Using adult dwarf videos as a “gateway porn”, we can learn about ourselves and our surroundings with surprising clarity.

In the “dwarf porn as a barometer” model, I hypothesize that someone who would watch dwarf porn, would be, well, a helluva lot more likely to rent, say a “furry” than someone who hasn’t. And finally, if you yourself are viewing some weird-ass porn, and are concerned you could be a perv, ask yourself- “is what I’m watching, freakier than Dwarf Porn?”

If the answer is yes, maybe you shouldn’t be watching it. Or at least you shouldn’t be watching it as much.

Author’s note: I have received a few emails over the past days, and have seen a comment or two, lamenting this series on Dwarf Porn. Perhaps there are some readers who would say “please don’t delve into this as a series”, to them I say respectfully, would you have told a young Carl Bernstein or Bob Woodward the same thing? I urge you to read these pieces and examine some of the most important work I’ve done on this blog and with any luck, and a little help from my readers in nominating me, I will see you at the 2008 Webby's.

Monday, July 09, 2007

What Sucks…Dwarf Porn (Part 1 of a 3 Part Series)

I’ve had some time recently to think about this and while I’m all for porn and everything, come on- this is weird.

First off, shouldn’t it be called “Little Person Porn”, or is an offensive name effectively trumped in the pantheon of serious societal issues here, by the fact that A MARKET FOR THIS STUFF EVEN EXISTS! And shouldn’t that fact weigh heavily on the minds of humans of ALL sizes?!

Sorry, for all the yelling (the use of caps), but it’s difficult not to get emotional here, there are clearly a lot of questions with sadly, few answers.

Dwarf Porn can’t be good for anybody. Clearly it’s not good for you, the viewer. It can’t or shouldn’t be good for your significant other. And it certainly is not good for the little person, inevitably dressed in a diaper and/ or bonnet, boning their “babysitter”.

I understand there are a lot of forms of porn out there that are disturbing, and yes, I am well aware, many of them are much worse than Dwarf Porn. But “sexually explicit material featuring the vertically challenged”, holds a special place in the world of weird, freaky shit. Perhaps because it’s one of the more ancient forms of porn. Let’s face it, the ancient Greeks and Romans had to bring a a dwarf in to have sex with a normal sized man or women somewhere along the line- come on, those guys were huge pervs. So that means people have been watching "little people" getting it on for thousands of years. It just doesn't seem right that a role as a munchkin or an ewok, should be a step up for anyone.

And while they say it’s impossible to define pornography, when I’m watching a guy give it to Bridget the Midget, you gotta be pretty sure, you’re seeing it.

Tomorrow- Part Two: Dwarf Porn: “A Gateway Porn”

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

What Sucks…Hooks For Hands!

Be careful out there!

There’s plenty to be careful out there about- you want to avoid drunks on the road, you want to not exert yourself too much in that game of softball you may play tomorrow, you want to try to not burn your privates on a hibachi- but most of all you want to be as careful as you can around the fireworks.

Why? Because if you become like those people we’ve all been told about or read about who got too close to an M80 or a Blockbuster and you blow up your hand, the ugly truth is that doctors can’t help you. They can just put hooks on your arms where your hands have been.

“Gee thanks doc for these hooks. This is MUCH better. Now I have no hands and scare the shit out of little children. Thanks a lot. Sure you could somehow manage to put a dead puppy on the end of my arms, cause I want everyone to have nightmares.”

Fireworks suck anyway. Seriously, haven’t you seen everything they have to offer already? What new have they come out with? Keep a safe distance and keep your hands! Ever try and touch yourself with hooks?

Yeah, I’m the bad guy from the Fugitive, but those fireworks were great!

Happy 4th. I’ll be back on Monday.