Friday, June 15, 2007

What Sucks…Being A Fluffer


In part two of our continuing series on jobs that suck, today, we bring you “the fluffer”. Sorry about the image above, but google image search “Fluffer” at work and you get weird looks.

Over the course of my life I have had a number of crappy jobs. I’ve worked as a dishwasher at a Sizzler, and a camp counselor at a rich kids day camp in Scarsdale, NY. I temped for years, was a page, and a receptionist for 18 months at a place where being a receptionist was the worst job you could imagine, and where if I went public with what they paid me, Amnesty International would get involved. I even wrote for Craig Ferguson for a few months, but all those job experiences (except maybe Ferguson) pale in comparison to that of a “fluffer”*.

I’m being delicate here but…

“Preparing”, and by using that word, yes, I’m romanticizing it, dicks for sex scenes in porn, has to be a job one takes when the “Objective” line on their resumes says “to use the skills I have developed in hating myself to start a career.” I think it says something about a job when the only “worst job” you can think of, is a different version of that job. I.E…

…Being a “fluffer’ in animal porn.
…Being a “fluffer” on the set of “Rest Home: Fat & Mature Volume XVI”. (That’s 16!)
…Being a “fluffer” in live sex-show performance, “just outside of Tijuana”.

Some questions come to mind:
How do you reconcile a job like that? And nowadays with Viagra, is it even necessary? Shouldn’t there be a line drawn in the sand where “being old school” is not in the best interest of everyone? Is there a union? Is there a Local 4183 “Fluffers”? Does the AFLCIO recognize it? If there WAS a fluffer’s union, wouldn’t the 1st motion be to try abolish their own jobs?

INT. FLUFFER’S LOCAL 4183. UNION SHOP REP IS ADDRESSING THE CROWD.

UNION SHOP REP (his name is, I don’t know, Julius):
Brothers, the news remains grim. The major studios continue to refuse to honor our request to outsource our jobs…

THERE IS A LARGE MURMUR THAT GRUMBLES THROUGH THE ASSEMBLY

UNION SHOP REP (JULIUS):
…sitting across the bargaining table, I have pleaded with them- on how they can get workers in India and Pakistan to “prepare” dicks for a FRACTION of what it costs here!

A MURMUR SWEEPS THROUGH THE HALL AGAIN

JULIUS:
…problem, as we all know, is that it’s difficult to get a client to “maintain” in between takes on a set, so there’s no way its gonna work during a trans-Atlantic flight!

THE CROWD REACTS, AGREES.

JULIUS:
Unlike autoworkers, we are together in our wish for a machine that could replace us. Scientists in Sweden and Japan are working tirelessly on this as we speak- but until they deliver, I pledge that we will not give up this fight to wipe this horrible gig from the face of the earth! I ask again you consider a work stoppage, but I know how much you need the money for your meth, so it’s pointless.

FIN.

How does the fluffer deal? What does he tell him/ herself? “Well, at least this isn’t a “furry’”!

Maybe you have a “glass half-full” type of outlook. “Well, if I work hard and learn my craft, maybe some day I’ll be on CAMERA sucking off some stranger!”

Maybe you’re a fatalist…“Hey, perhaps this film will turn out to be snuff.”

*Disclaimer: “Not that I would know personally. The following is based on what I’ve read. Sartre. The early stuff. I’ll talk about that in another posting. “What-Sucks Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘Fluffer Stage’” look for it.

56 comments:

Ben said...

This blog is becoming too literal.

What's next: "What sucks...vacuum cleaners?"

Chris DeLuca said...

nice joke. If I were a perv, and wanted to cover it up, I'd make one too in a comment section.

julius said...

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

Jenna said...

Is ferguson really that bad? from what i've seen he seems a little cheesy, but working for him is worse than sucking dick? really?

Ben said...

nice joke. If I were a perv, and wanted to cover it up, I'd make one too in a comment section.

So I see.

pale male said...

wow, you really hit the nail on the glistening, crimson head

and yes, ben, vacuum cleaners do "suck"...in that they are unable to remove many of the harmful microbes from carpet more than 1" thick

Anonymous said...

being married sucks. why do we all hang on. a fluffer would be a good edition to a marrage.

Anonymous said...

OOPS. I am so angry about marrage I spelled addition wrong.

Chris DeLuca said...

Spelling is just one of the things we give up when we take that long walk down the aisle.

sean said...

Wow- people love fluffers.

glenn said...

How can you write about a profession you've never actually done before?
Seriously. Are you just trying to get a laugh? Can you answer without being sarcastic or "funny"? Just trying to understand your logic here, that's all, not trying to be rude.

mfhy2k said...

Awesome blog.

I think a fluffer is a noble position.....

If no one talked about jobs they never did how come so many people talk about the President and how he's doing?

Anonymous said...

I would be proud to put it on my resume. Just think of the looks you will get when you apply for jobs!

Anonymous said...

I think adding it to the resume will GET you a job in many cases.

Anonymous said...

Fluffers don't exist. Viagra makes them unnecessary. They existed for a very very short period in the seventies, at which point other people in the place would be asked to help out, but hell... since then, we've had VCRs. We've had TVs. We now have laptops, too. And of course, Viagra. Frankly, maintaining erection isn't really an issue.

Fluffers are mostly an urban myth strengthened by that movie.

Anonymous said...

Fluffers do exist! There's a porno call 'Houston 500' where fluffers are used. As you may have guessed Houston is the name of the female star who's mission is to do 500 guys! They had 10 fluffers on set trying to keep all the guys 'up for it' if you know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

well speaking about the presidents job I do belive they have fluffers in the white house (monica lewinski)

KL Fairy said...

I want to be a fluffer too!!

Do I need a degree for this job? or does work experience counts?

Anonymous said...

In reality, vacuum cleaners don't suck. They blow the air inside the vacuum cleaner out thru the vents and the air near the nozzle then rushes in giving the appearance of the vacuum cleaner sucking in air. On the other hand, I do believe that being a fluffer would suck.

Anonymous said...

that is how sucking works. you create a "vacuum" of air which must be filled following the pressure gradient. when a human sucks they are literally making a vacuum in their mouths. therefore, vacuum's are the prototypical suckers

Mark said...

I seriously would love to be a fluffer...If anybody knows how to get into this field,please let me know...Im 100 percent serious...

Anonymous said...

http://www.Marie-gets-Deflowered.com/?id=ae72d2a0

Anonymous said...

However, to answer anonymous above, when a human sucks, they do not necessarily blow at the some time. Although in the context of this article...

Anonymous said...

y is every1 so down on fluffers? its my dream job!!

Dick said...

Some girls just love sucking cock! It comes natural to them!

Anonymous said...

Least fun occupation? How about hazmat diver... more specifically, search for "sewer diver" and "México City".

There are four of these hombres in heavy protective gear who do nothing but attempt to unblock México City's sewer mains all day. Agua negra.

I'd rather be a fluffer any day.

Anonymous said...

and like some of us, fluffers, viagra arent needed, as naturally our erections last too long, in fact after having sex 10 times in a row i still half the time dont get off and i get bored and play my xbox instead.

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Anonymous said...

Fluffers DO exist!! I get notifications of job postings on craigslist in my area and unfortunately the mobile app doesn't allow you to filter the results... So, much to my amusement today there was a posting for jobs as a fluffer:

"Hiring fluffer for adult business

If you are cute fun and like making big $$$
email for info

Make over $1000 in one day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send name age pic"

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Anonymous said...

You also spelled marriage wrong, you idiot

ana bonnett said...

I gotta say that the show is still trendy. Doctors with designer footwear and later subliminal advertising about shoes australia free shipping.

Anonymous said...

Now that is a tasty job!!!Is there a Fluffer School I can go to for training??

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the information!!! do they wear a condom or its bareback? is their cock shaved or bushy? I have hygiene concerns........