Monday, June 18, 2007

What Sucks Presents…Conversations Cuba Gooding, Jr. Wished He Had


We take you back to the night of March 24, 1997. Outside the Shrine Auditorium on Oscar night. Cuba is standing on the edge of the red carpet. He is holding an Oscar he just won for Jerry Maguire, and currently is being seen in “As Good As It Gets”.

STRANGER FROM THE FUTURE: Hey, congrats on the Oscar for Jerry Maguire, the good reviews you’ve been getting on “As Good As It Gets” and of course for the classic “Boyz N the Hood”.

CUBA: Thanks man.

SFTF: No problem. Just never make a movie again.

CUBA: What?

SFTF: All the money you just made? Save it. Seriously. Retire. Go into real estate or something.

CUBA: But I have this great script coming- I play a straight guy who’s on a gay cruise so he can meet a woman. It’s with this young kid from SNL- he’s a Belushi/ Farley type, you know likeable, heavy-set…

SFTF:
Boat Trip? It doesn’t work out. Quit the business.

CUBA: Come on man- I have this other movie- with Academy Award winning actor James Colburn about…

SFTF:
Snow Dogs? Worse than Boat Trip. Don’t do it. You had a nice run. It’s over.

CUBA: I’m doing this football movie where I play a mentally challenge young man with Ed Harris…

SFTF: Radio? It’s like Rudy with fetal alcohol syndrome. Go to grad school or something. Don Cheadle is about to kick your ass professionally on everything for the next 12 years.

CUBA: I have this thing coming called “Men Of Honor”.

SFTF: Yeah, about discrimination in the world of deep sea divers? You NEED me to tell you not to do that?

CUBA: But I get to work with DeNiro.

SFTF: Yeah, so did everyone on the set of “The Adventures of Rocky And Bullwinkle”.

CUBA:
Pearl Harbor?

SFTF: You’d think so, but no. It sucks. Look, I’m from the future, I’ve come a long way and from a very horrible place to tell you this…

CUBA: A horrible place in the future?

SFTF: Yeah, a screening of Norbit. Seriously, at this point I wouldn’t even cast you for your own role in this shitty blog posting. Incidentally, I’d go with Mos Def.

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1 comment:

Invisible Woman said...

You are REALLY hilarious. You are one of the funniest! Cuba actually had an interesting role last year in "Shadowboxer" with Helen Mirren, even though only 5 people saw it. Keep up the good work