Tuesday, May 15, 2007

What Sucks…Writing Jerry Falwell’s Obit: A Starter’s Kit


For the next day or so you'll probably be see this man’s obituary appearing in thousands of newspapers across the country. But for many out there it may be difficult to write. With so many Falwell obits written already, you may be asking, “where do I even start?”

Well, as a public service to anyone out there, here are a few opening lines to help you get going. Feel free to use as you put together your obit for Jerry Falwell.

…Jerry Falwell, an insane televangelist who was known at times to sit directly in front of a picture of himself, (see above) and who thought the Teletubby who was named “Tiny Winky” was gay, and that we deserved 9-11 because of our acceptance of gays and feminists, died today when he was found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, a bullshit school he made up…

…Jerry Falwell, who often referred to himself as “Doctor” even though all 3 “doctorate” degrees he received were honorary, and 2 of them came from unaccredited schools, and who released the straight to video documentary “The Clinton Chronicles” connecting Bill Clinton through a series of conspiracy theories to the death of Vince Foster and to a cocaine-smuggling operation, and who thought a Teletubby named Tiny Winky was gay, passed today after being found unconscious in his office at Liberty University, a 4th tier college he founded…

…Jerry Falwell, the founder of the Moral Majority, who once said the anti-Christ is alive now and a Jewish male, and who was once called an “agent of intolerance” by John McCain, before he decided to kiss the ass of the religious right, and who did not believe the Constitution had in it a place for the separation of Church and State, died today at Liberty University, a school where dinosaur fossils were displayed and dated at 3000 years old in order to correspond with a creationist philosophy…

…Jerry Falwell, a massive douchebag who thought a Teletubby was gay and that Lillith Fair was named after a demon, and who asked American Christians to support Apartheid by buying coins issued by the South African Government and who once said the AIDS was the wrath of a just G-d against homosexuals died today at the ironically named Liberty University, a school that you need an 800 on your SAT’s to get into...

…Jerry Falwell, who was attracted to a Teletubby named Pinky Winky and hated himself for it, and who also funneled cash from his “Old Time Gospel Hour” TV show to a political action committee forcing the IRS to revoke its tax-exempt status for 1986-87, and who accepted 3.5 million dollars from Sun Myung Moon to get his university out of debt despite Moon claiming to be the messiah sent to complete the failed mission of Christ, died yesterday at the college he founded, Liberty University which has an enrollment procedure for people who are home schooled...

What Sucks Bonus…Writing Jerry Falwell’s Obit: How To End It

And of course feel free to end your obit with this line.

…Falwell is survived by his wife and 3 kids, and the government has announced plans to put his Falwell’s face up, along with 3 others not yet named, on the soon to be created “Mount Rushmore For Assholes”...

12 comments:

piglet said...

Thank you.

DouglasG said...

I hope there is some sort of vote for the other three. Falwell is a no brainer, but keeping it to three on the Mount Rushmore for Assholes is going to be tough!!!

Anonymous said...

Why are you bothering with this shit when the major story today is the new AMA classification for athlete's foot??

Anonymous said...

chris- sweet.
Which one do you like?

::do i smell smoke?::

I cant wait for Sharpton' obit.

Anonymous said...

He was wrong. Everyone knows the anti-Christ is among us as Angelina Jolie.

Anonymous said...

I'm shocked. I just found out I want to bang the anti-christ.

Anonymousfornow said...

I did not know too much about him (now I know why).

Mickey said...

Liked what larry flynt(sic) had to say.

Mickey said...

Say what?
What did he say?

He said falloutboy believed in what he was doing. Kinda hard to fault someone like that



Happy?

Chris DeLuca said...

Believed in what he was doing? So did __________ (fill in the blank of any jagofff from history).

I'll chose "the guy who formed the Bay City Rollers".

Doesn't make it right.

Anonymous said...

You all have an agenda to hate falwell. Its easy to hate someone you don't know. Dr. Jerry Falwell will go don't in history as (yes controversial) but a great man of vision. It is proper for you academic giants to understand its proper to use the title Doctor even if it is honoary. He did have two honoarys you say which show great achievement. Oh, yea he did have one earned remember! And if you earn a degree from the school he founded it will be acredited.

Anonymous said...

Fat Jerry destroyed Lynchburg, VA by turning the largest manufacturing facility around into his church. His daddy made his money on moonshine, and Jerry fleeced the public his entire life...like father, like son. He's gonna rot in fat mans hell. Look up gluttony, you piece of crap See ya, fat-ass.