Tuesday, May 08, 2007

What Sucks…Delta Farce Part 2 of a 5 Part Series: The Plot


Sadly, when you’re talking plausibility, the idea that the US Army could be so stretched that Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy could be mistaken for soldiers and get sent to not just Iraq, but Fallujah, is, unfortunately, not that much of a leap.

So what I’m saying is initially, plot-wise, Delta Farce has potential.

Now, all you have to do is take Engvall and Thecableguy and put them in “the shit”, where they’re going out every night on maneuvers, raiding suspected terrorist safe houses, watching Iraqi armed forces out of the corner of their eyes because they don’t know for sure if they’re loyal to the Iraqi government, or to Muqtada al-Sadr- all the while avoiding every piece of garbage on the street because it may be an IED. Oh yeah, and have them also witness unbelievable acts of sectarian violence, discover about 30 bodies with drill holes in their heads A DAY, all without having the required armor to fend off an attack from any one of the numerous insurgent groups targeting them.

Shit, I’d go see that.

EXT. FALLUJAH. DAY.

PVC LAWRENCE STAGGERS UP THE STREET, US SOLDIERS FLANK HIM LEFT AND RIGHT. A CHILD WANDERS UP TO HIM.

LAWRENCE
Hey there little fella. Git ‘er done!

SOLDIER 1
Don’t go near him- he could be booby-trapped!

LAWRENCE
What? This little guy? Hey buddy, I’m with the coalition of the willing…to have a beer right now. (HE LAUGHS AT HIS JOKE) Hablo Ingles? Hablo…anything?

PVC ENGVALL
Are you one of them Sunni or Shi’a? What’s the difference?

LAWRENCE
In Fallujah? A couple of family members stolen in the night.

THE KID’S MOTHER HURRIEDLY TAKES HIM AWAY.

PVC ENGVALL
That your mom? I guess your Sunni.

A CAR EXPLODES UP THE BLOCK.

LAWRENCE
That’s why you gotta buy American.

SOLDIER 1:
(OFF CAMERA ) This is unit six, five, niner- request immediate rendezvous!

ENGVALL
Rendezvous? What are you, French?

LAWRENCE
Of course not, they’re here.

A CAR PULLS UP AND A GROUP OF MEN JUMP OUT, PUT A HOOD OVER LAWRENCE AND ENGVALL’S HEAD AND PULL THEM INTO A CAR.

LAWRENCE
Git ‘er done!!!!

THE CAR PULLS AWAY AS US SOLDIERS SHOOT AT IT.

SCENE.

But somehow these Delta Farce fuckers end up in Mexico.

By the way, how do you fly over Mexico while heading to Iraq? Where are they leaving from, Mexico?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

The only thing that could save this movie is a cameo from Chuck.

Anonymous said...

Please not a whole week of making fun of this crappy movie... that will suck.

Anonymous said...

you should do a mystery science theater 3000 about this kick in the balls they call a movie.